Healing - Shame in Adulthood and How We Move Forward as Children of pwBPD

[GeekyGirl]

As adults who grew up in households with BPD-affected parents, we often carry feelings of shame or unworthiness. This article really spoke to me, and I suspect that some of you can relate to it too:

How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

Do any of the characteristics speak to you? How do you move past them?

Some characteristics of adults shamed in childhood:

• 1. Adults shamed as children are afraid of vulnerability and fear of exposure of the self.



• 2. Adults shamed as children may suffer extreme shyness, embarrassment and feelings of being inferior to others. They don't believe they make mistakes. Instead they believe they are mistakes.



• 3. Adults shamed as children fear intimacy and tend to avoid real commitment in relationships. These adults frequently express the feeling that one foot is out of the door prepared to run.



• 4. Adults shamed as children may appear either grandiose and self-centered or seem selfless.



• 5. Adults shamed as children feel that, "No matter what I do, it won't make a difference; I am and always will be worthless and unlovable."



• 6. Adults shamed as children frequently feel defensive when even a minor negative feedback is given. They suffer feelings of severe humiliation if forced to look at mistakes or imperfections.



• 7. Adults shamed as children frequently blame others before they can be blamed.



• 8. Adults shamed as children may suffer from debilitating guilt These individuals apologize constantly. They assume responsibility for the behavior of those around them.



• 9. Adults shamed as children feel like outsiders. They feel a pervasive sense of loneliness throughout their lives, even when surrounded with those who love and care.



• 10. Adults shamed as children project their beliefs about themselves onto others. They engage in mind-reading that is not in their favor, consistently feeling judged by others.



• 11. Adults shamed as children often feel ugly, flawed and imperfect. These feelings regarding self may lead to focus on clothing and make-up in an attempt to hide flaws in personal appearance and self.



• 12. Adults shamed as children often feel angry and judgmental towards the qualities in others that they feel ashamed of in themselves. This can lead to shaming others.



• 13. Adults shamed as children often feel controlled from the outside as well as from within. Normal spontaneous expression is blocked.



• 14. Adults shamed as children feel they must do things perfectly or not at all. This internalized belief frequently leads to performance anxiety and procrastination.



• 15. Adults shamed as children experience depression.



• 16. Adults shamed as children block their feelings of shame through compulsive behaviors like workaholis, eating disorders, shopping, substance abuse, list-making or gambling.



• 17. Adults shamed as children lie to themselves and others.



• 18. Adults shamed as children often have caseloads rather than friendships.
  
  



• 19. Adults shamed as children often involve themselves in compulsive processing of past interactions and events and intellectualization as a defense against pain.



• 20. Adults shamed as children have little sense of emotional boundaries. They feel constantly violated by others. They frequently build false boundaries through walls, rage, pleasing or isolation.



• 21. Adults shamed as children are stuck in dependency or counter-dependency.
  
  

Here are some other great resources to help those of us struggling with feelings of shame:

Adults Shamed in Childhood

TOOLS: Toxic shame--what is it and what can we do about it?

[GeekyGirl]

From the article, there's one characteristic of adults shamed in childhood that really, really stands out to me:

5. Adults shamed as children feel that, "No matter what I do, it won't make a difference; I am and always will be worthless and unlovable."

This is one that I've felt time and time again. The 'B' that I received instead of the 'A' that I wanted in algebra class, the boss criticizing my work, or the time my boyfriend didn't like the birthday present I gave him... . it all brought up feelings that I was flawed or inadequate, rather than seeing the work, the grade, or the present as not perfect.

One thing that I know that I've struggled with is low self-esteem. It's something that has held me back for a long time, and something that I have to actively work on. Many of you probably have felt the same way, second-guessing yourself, finding yourself in unhealthy relationships, and acting out your aggression and hurt in ways that don't really deal with the pain constructively.

T has brought me a long way, as have all of you.   Now as I deal with this as an aware adult, some of my issues and behavior have really made stop and think. I have to step back when I get feedback and really look at the motivation behind it: is it meant to really help me improve? Does the person mean well? If so, I have to look at it as a gift and a way to improve myself. If the person didn't have good intentions, I stop and realize that it's more about his/her issues than mine. Either way, I try look at feedback as an opportunity instead of criticism by changing my self-talk.

[Tayto]

I was brought up to believe I was useles and a monster. I was told by my father everyday that I would never become anything and my mother liked to tell me I was a monster.

I never touched or played sport's.  Anything I done my parents were quick to run it down resulting in me trying nothing for fear that if I failed they would be right.

At 31 years old I had my own business a new jeep and two homes and was going to be getting married but I felt lost Inside.

I had mastered spray paintingyon cars so much that I can spray with my eyes closed, not because of anything other than fear, because I was afraid if I had not mastered spray painting this also could be taming away.

only for myself one night to listen to my fathers words again ringing in my ears and I cut my wrist to the bone leaving my now left hand deformed from it.

that was fives years ago next month,

parents have no idea of the effects they have on their kids and the damage they cause.

I still feel inferior to my wife as I feel im not good enough.

[Tayto]

this list is so true for me, its unreal how much it hits home.

after I done my wrist, when I woke in hospital I realised two things, one I was never drinking again and two I had the power in doing something like that to destroy people and that was my trigger as I never wanted to become any of my parents who themselves destroyed us.

the first thing I said to my therapist was.

I need you to teach me how to be drunk without drinking and I need you to teach me how to fail at something and accept it as ok.This was the start of me recovering and becoming the person I am today. I,m not fully better as some scares will never be removed but I,m happy, and that's huge coming from a person whos only wish was for the pain to end and to wish he was dead for 12 years.

[pessim-optimist]

14. Adults shamed as children feel they must do things perfectly or not at all. This internalized belief frequently leads to performance anxiety and procrastination.

6. Adults shamed as children frequently feel defensive when even a minor negative feedback is given. They suffer feelings of severe humiliation if forced to look at mistakes or imperfections.

These two really stand out for me in that order. The shaming in my family centered around performance. Unrealistic perfectionism was the overall atmosphere. (As the younger "all good" child I escaped other forms of shaming).

The goal-post was always beyond my reach. I was NEVER going to measure up.

The result - Extreme fear of failure manifesting itself as #14. And yes #3. That terrible feeling as if you were stabbed in the stomach, like you have done something terrible and unpardonable. The combination of fear and humiliation - it kept me from doing things or doing them full of that fear that would make mistakes more likely... .

What helped:

My identity: BEING versus PERFOFMING. In a healthy home, a baby/child is loved for who they are, not for what they can do. Many of us did not experience it or did not experience it enough... .

My journey of faith is what changed that for me. Being loved, accepted, and forgiven by God himself, based on His sacrifice, not based on anything I have done or could possibly ever do - period.

BUT, that was just the begining of the journey to healing - old habits/mindsets die hard. So, I was still self-sabotaging. And occasionally, I still do.

What is helping me overcome it, is gentle, nurturing and encouraging self-talk. Also, I have FINALLY been able to accept and incorporate into my being that failure and imperfection are necessary steps on the path to improvement and mastery (whatever we are pursuing). That was very liberating... . I don't see mistakes and failures as my enemy any more. I see them as necessary markers along the way.

[GeekyGirl]

You've all made some great points.   

BUT, that was just the begining of the journey to healing - old habits/mindsets die hard. So, I was still self-sabotaging. And occasionally, I still do.

What is helping me overcome it, is gentle, nurturing and encouraging self-talk. Also, I have FINALLY been able to accept and incorporate into my being that failure and imperfection are necessary steps on the path to improvement and mastery (whatever we are pursuing). That was very liberating... . I don't see mistakes and failures as my enemy any more. I see them as necessary markers along the way.

That's a great perspective. Changing the self-talk is really the most important thing. For a long time, I had to actively work on that--when I thought, "I'm not XXX enough," or "If I don't do XXX, I'll be a failure," I really struggled to tell myself, "That's not true. I am XXX enough." It doesn't always come easily, but sometimes if I'm feeling overwhelmed or like I'm struggling, stepping back and reminding myself that I don't have anything to prove or anyone to impress can really help me calm down.

that was fives years ago next month,

parents have no idea of the effects they have on their kids and the damage they cause.

I still feel inferior to my wife as I feel im not good enough.

Tayto, my heart goes out to you.   You're right in that parents just don't understand how influential they can be on their children. How are you working on the scares that still haunt you?

[Clearmind]

• 1. Adults shamed as children are afraid of vulnerability and fear of exposure of the self.



• 3. Adults shamed as children fear intimacy and tend to avoid real commitment in relationships. These adults frequently express the feeling that one foot is out of the door prepared to run.



• 6. Adults shamed as children frequently feel defensive when even a minor negative feedback is given. They suffer feelings of severe humiliation if forced to look at mistakes or imperfections.



• 8. Adults shamed as children may suffer from debilitating guilt These individuals apologize constantly. They assume responsibility for the behavior of those around them.



• 13. Adults shamed as children often feel controlled from the outside as well as from within. Normal spontaneous expression is blocked.



• 14. Adults shamed as children feel they must do things perfectly or not at all. This internalized belief frequently leads to performance anxiety and procrastination.



• 18. Adults shamed as children often have caseloads rather than friendships.
  
  
• 19. Adults shamed as children often involve themselves in compulsive processing of past interactions and events and intellectualization as a defense against pain.



• 20. Adults shamed as children have little sense of emotional boundaries. They feel constantly violated by others. They frequently build false boundaries through walls, rage, pleasing or isolation.



• 21. Adults shamed as children are stuck in dependency or counter-dependency.
  
  

Oh how all these from the list ring true. Or did for the most part.

Shame is so debilitating and I never really understood the concept of shame until recently and I didn’t understand just how it can impact on my adult life. It has taken enormous effort to process my shame from childhood and realize that the shame I did feel was not mine to own.

It took a lot of forgiving – forgive myself, my father and my mother to come through the other side of shame and be OK with vulnerability. I have good boundaries to protect me now - certainly boundaries were not taught to me by my parents - I had to learn them.

I so hated vulnerability, because I could never trust it – avoiding vulnerable feelings and emotions meant I was missing out on really connecting with others which in turn lead to loneliness and depression. I trust myself now and my decisions in life to embrace feeling vulnerable and go after what I want not what my childhood dictated.

I am forever learning those things I pulled out from GG’s post still bite my bum sometimes but I am more aware of why, how to process them and not let them rule my life like they use to.

I actually had a few tears reading that list GG – it was a pleasant reminder of how far we can come with a little work. Thank you!

_____

Self talk is crucial - talk to myself like a would a good friend. We are what we think about all day long and I do work every day on being kind to myself.

[pessim-optimist]

• 1. Adults shamed as children are afraid of vulnerability and fear of exposure of the self.



• 3. Adults shamed as children fear intimacy and tend to avoid real commitment in relationships. These adults frequently express the feeling that one foot is out of the door prepared to run.



• 19. Adults shamed as children often involve themselves in compulsive processing of past interactions and events and intellectualization as a defense against pain.

Actually, upon consideration, these apply as well. Seeing my parents interact, and probably also my brother being hurt, I learned to not share any 'matters of the heart'. Anything deeply personal I would keep to myself.

And also, I concluded that I cannot count on anyone to really be there for me, so I learned to be self-sufficient, not be vulnerable with others, and not form any attachments.

It DOES protect one from hurt, when the environment is not safe. But it also prevents any real closeness - with friends or significant others. Luckily for me, I had a great mother figure in my life (my best friend's mom), so that allowed me to be at least a bit vulnerable.

I started as very closed off. It is good to be selective and wise in who we allow ourselves to be vulnerable with. In the end it is a balancing act - I am learning that allowing myself to be vulnerable and attached to certain people has great benefits... .

#19: Closing off emotions and processing intellectually instead was less painful. And again - it protected me at the time... . But it also disabled me in a way - emotions are there for a reason. A healthy balanced person needs to know and use both well - the intellect AND emotions. Without giving proper place to emotions (knowing what they inform us of), for me, it was like compensating for lack of hearing with binoculars - yeah, I'd see more, but I'd be missing all the music... . I am slowly learning the notes, and I am liking it.

[Tayto]

Closing off emotions is a great way of protecting yourself.

Does this mean that you are also closed off to feeling loved ?.

[GeekyGirl]

Closing off emotions is a great way of protecting yourself.

Does this mean that you are also closed off to feeling loved ?.

Good question, Tayto. Sometimes even though it's harder to face the emotions than it is to close them off, when you work through them, you come out stronger and better able to handle them when they come up again.

Do you feel like you deserve to be loved?   That shame that we've all felt can sometimes make us feel unworthy.

[Tayto]

It took years for me to feel worthwhile and worthy of being loved.  To be honest its one of the last things that im working on. But yes, I am a person, I deserve to be loved and to grow into the person that is deep inside of me.

[P.F.Change]

Do any of the characteristics speak to you?

At one point or another, I could probably relate to most of the characteristics on that list. This is the one that stood out to me as I read it again today:

• 19. Adults shamed as children often involve themselves in compulsive processing of past interactions and events and intellectualization as a defense against pain.

I definitely tend to intellectualize--to think about things in a detached way rather than allow myself to really feel my emotions. Shoving feelings aside helped me when I was younger and didn't have the tools to cope with them. I was so used to this that when someone would ask what I was feeling, I had absolutely no idea how to respond. I didn't even know how to label my feelings because I had spent so long trying to ignore them. I was aware of general like/dislike, but beyond that pretty emotionally illiterate.

How do you move past them?

Therapy helped in some ways, particularly EMDR. But I may have gotten the most help on this particular issue from reading here about mindfulness, really taking the time to stop and just observe what I am feeling and thinking without judgement. I'm no expert on this, but I know that when I judge my feelings, i.e., "That's too scary," or "It's bad to be angry," I am more likely to pretend I don't feel them. When I am honest about what I feel and allow myself to experience my emotions, I am accepting who I am as a human being. I think for me this is part of positive entitlement (Step 15). I am entitled to feel my feelings. 

Does any of you intellectualize rather than feel? What else has worked for you?

[bookgirl]

Tell me more about #18. I think I get this one, but wanted your interpretation as well.  Does this mean that instead of friends, you have a circle of "needy" people that you care take, rather than focus on your own issues/healthy friendships?

[GeekyGirl]

Tell me more about #18. I think I get this one, but wanted your interpretation as well.  Does this mean that instead of friends, you have a circle of "needy" people that you care take, rather than focus on your own issues/healthy friendships?

Exactly! When you've had healthy relationships (including the ones you had as a child), you're more likely to have healthy friendships and romantic relationships.

[jmanvo2015]

This is very helpful.  I can relate to this entire list, especially the feelings of loneliness.  Those have hit me really hard.  I just turned 45 and I'm realizing how lonely I am.  Yet, the legacy of BPD/NPD parents have left me without the tools I need to have healthy relationships.  So, I flounder around hoping something or someone might just click.  I've just made my first appt. with a therapist whose profile on Psychology Today said she has expertise in BPD.  I hope she can help me.  The thought of living like this for another 40 years is overwhelming.  I'm not suicidal, but I find myself these days calling out to a god I no longer even believe in and asking if he can bring me home.  Sorry, for the debbie-downer post.