Downtime struggles of past BPD relationship

[cwell260]

Hi there everyone,

A year ago I had suffered through a fairly abrupt breakup from my exBPD partner, which you can see from my original post here ---> https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=208849.0;topicseen

I suppose where I am now, compared to where I was then is both quite different, yet the same. I spent the past year building myself back up from the ending of that relationship, but, even though I've worked hard to bring myself back up, I do still feel pain from this break up. As the title of this thread suggests, downtime seems to be when past hurt pops up.

Many things have happened since the break up; I finished university, I've began my career, and have gained clarity on how the rest of my life will play out. Essentially, all of the things my ex would tell me I would never accomplish, even if she didn't say these things outright. Since the beginning of this year (2014) I've successfully kept no contact with my ex, albeit, one meeting at the university doctors office (this was a short meeting, I did not initiate, nor kept it going). During the first few months after the break up, she had contacted me on a few occasions, and finally on one texting occasion around christmas time last year, had said some pretty harsh things to me (accusing me of holding things hostage, or using knowledge against me to put me down, just overall painting me in a black light) and I had finally told her to not contact me again.

Things were peaceful for me, mostly due to the fact that I was fairly busy with finishing my degree, and now for the past few months due to work/ looking for a new job. Sometimes though, during downtime (weekends, spending the evenings in sometimes) my mind would move towards thinking about her, both the good and the bad. For the most part, I end up telling myself that its not worth the time and effort to ruminate on the past, and for the most part, I can get through it. But recently she has been popping up in my dreams, and this is where things get difficult in trying to get past my thoughts. Most of these dreams involve us either getting back together, already being back together and being in love, or her somehow stating that she thinks she was wrong and wants back in.

The thing that I can't seem to do is fully get over what happened, even though most of the time, its an event that is pushed deep down in my thoughts. I consciously know what the disorder can and will do to people involved, and have read extensively through both literature and the heartbreaking stories on this very forum. I've been through counselling, and have learned how to push myself forward through the difficult time, but it still just will not go away. I feel, although I've been doing great for myself in terms of gaining new friendships, and gaining other confidence boosters, that I haven't gained actual closure. What do these dreams seem to be telling me? I certainly do not want to get back together with her, nor is there really any chance of that happening due to NC and generally knowing that it would not lead to anything good. But do I deep down still want her in my life?

I'm hoping this post makes some sense. I'm not necessarily down and depressed, but I'm very confused as to why I just can't get past the relationship, even a year after it ended. Is this normal? Have any other members experienced this, this far out from a BPD relationship ending?

[freedom33]

The first time I broke up with my ex, I went no contact for a month. One of the reason that I broke the NC was due to some dreams that I had with her that pointed that she wasn't that bad, that she was a good girl, and that she was trying to help me etc. This created doubt in my mind. And then she texted me at that period and I ended up responding and got back with her for another 3 moths until the next break occured. I am not sure what the purpose or meaning of dreams are but they can be powerful.

[freedom33]

Just noticed that you posted your first post exactly one year ago!

[Waifed]

Hi Cwell

I am a couple of days short of one year myself.  I have become a different person in the past year and mostly for the better.  I am in the best shape of my life, I have worked extensively on my codependency issues that I didn't know I had and I have tried to refocus on life and the meaning it has for me and my children.  I can still remember the hurt and pain of just one year ago.  I have felt sorry for myself, sorry for her and sad for what could have been.  I would give almost anything to experience the highs of the relationship again.  Not one day goes by that I do not think about her.  It is unimaginable the power this has had over me.  I have always been strong and confident.  The problem is that this facade I put up was just my narcissistic self trying to protect my weaknesses.  I tell myself every day that I will get through this and be a happier person but at times I wonder. 

The positive side is that even though I think of her every day, most days are now of indifference towards her.  Most days.  I have had days where I feel I will never get over her but the indifference reinforces the fact that one day I will be free from the bond I have created in my mind.  I absolutely would not have any type of relationship with her, not even friendship.  She is a very toxic person and I will not allow myself to join in on the craziness any longer.  I respect myself much more these days, but I still beat myself up at times for allowing her to run over my boundaries with little or no resistance from me.  I have been dating someone for the past two months who is wonderful, but the "drama" that I have been drawn to in the past isn't there and I struggle with normalcy at times.  I want so badly to feel the way I did before, but I keep telling myself the reason I was so high was because of the abuse from the lows.  It makes me sad that I had to experience a relationship like this, but I have made the most of it.  It is a progression and I am slowly winning the battle one day at a time. 

[freedom33]

I have been dating someone for the past two months who is wonderful, but the "drama" that I have been drawn to in the past isn't there and I struggle with normalcy at times.  I want so badly to feel the way I did before, but I keep telling myself the reason I was so high was because of the abuse from the lows.

Waifed - keep at it. It will only get better. I posted this bit somewhere else... .I am lucky in having had a healthy rs with a woman for a few years in my early 20s. I had to break it off as I had to move overseas (now that I think of it I could have asked her to come with me but I was too young and adventurous for that). At any rate, when we first started dating with my 'healthy' gf it was all sort of normal (which now sounds like a good thing doesnt it?), kind of pleasant but nothing crazy exciting or over the top. I remember that I was thinking of breaking up at the beginning (I guess I have a weak spot for over the top craziness :-). But for some reason I didn't, didn't have anything better to do I suppose and after 6-7 months I started having feelings for her. As the time passed the rs was getting better, the time we were spending together was longer and a lot more fun and also the sex and the intensity was getting better and better. She was getting more comfortable and intimate and so was I. Then after year 1 the rs physical and emotional got to an amazing level based on trust, true connection and intimacy. And it stayed like that for years until we broke it off. I am blessed to have had at least one good rs to be able to compare how that feels like and what one has to go through to build it.

Be patient and progressively might be a great rs. Good things take time, great things take even more time.

[Waifed]

I have been dating someone for the past two months who is wonderful, but the "drama" that I have been drawn to in the past isn't there and I struggle with normalcy at times.  I want so badly to feel the way I did before, but I keep telling myself the reason I was so high was because of the abuse from the lows.

Waifed - keep at it. It will only get better. I posted this bit somewhere else... .I am lucky in having had a healthy rs with a woman for a few years in my early 20s. I had to break it off as I had to move overseas (now that I think of it I could have asked her to come with me but I was too young and adventurous for that). At any rate, when we first started dating with my 'healthy' gf it was all sort of normal (which now sounds like a good thing doesnt it?), kind of pleasant but nothing crazy exciting or over the top. I remember that I was thinking of breaking up at the beginning (I guess I have a weak spot for over the top craziness :-). But for some reason I didn't, didn't have anything better to do I suppose and after 6-7 months I started having feelings for her. As the time passed the rs was getting better, the time we were spending together was longer and a lot more fun and also the sex and the intensity was getting better and better. She was getting more comfortable and intimate and so was I. Then after year 1 the rs physical and emotional got to an amazing level based on trust, true connection and intimacy. And it stayed like that for years until we broke it off. I am blessed to have had at least one good rs to be able to compare how that feels like and what one has to go through to build it.

Be patient and progressively might be a great rs. Good things take time, great things take even more time.

Thanks Freedom

The relationship is evolving, but I still get triggered at times and it causes me to pull back.  She has been patient with me but it is tested at times.  I am getting to the point where I worry about hurting her if I back out of the relationship.  I'm still gun shy about getting too serious with anyone.  It use to be out of a sense of "duty" to the ex, but I am over that now.  Now it is a general lack of trust of others that has caused me to build a wall even with all of my work on codependency.  I've read too much about personality disorders BPD relationships can really do a number on you!

[freedom33]

I went to a dermatologist and friend of mine earlier in the year as I have developed a dermatological (and stress related) condition from the rs. He asked me if I am stressed and I said yes. In fact knowing him quite a while I told him that I think the stress is related with a relationship I just broke off with someone who had strong BP traits. Oh wow he said! He knew about it... .I asked him how did he knew about it. He said he used to be with a BPD for a year and some time after he broke up he met his wife. I asked him how was that? He said it was difficult for his now wife because she had to be really patient with all his suspicion and closeness and she almost left in the end. But he woke up and slowly learned how to trust and now they have a lovely marriage apparently.

I hope that's the case for you! As for me - I need to stay by myself for at least 6-7 months to recover from this madness.

[Waifed]

I went to a dermatologist and friend of mine earlier in the year as I have developed a dermatological (and stress related) condition from the rs. He asked me if I am stressed and I said yes. In fact knowing him quite a while I told him that I think the stress is related with a relationship I just broke off with someone who had strong BP traits. Oh wow he said! He knew about it... .I asked him how did he knew about it. He said he used to be with a BPD for a year and some time after he broke up he met his wife. I asked him how was that? He said it was difficult for his now wife because she had to be really patient with all his suspicion and closeness and she almost left in the end. But he woke up and slowly learned how to trust and now they have a lovely marriage apparently.

I hope that's the case for you! As for me - I need to stay by myself for at least 6-7 months to recover from this madness.

I waited 8 months before I went on a date.

[freedom33]

I waited 8 months before I went on a date.

That sounds about right. I have said to myself that I wont get involved with anyone this calendar year. It won't be a hard thing to do I think. I don't even want to think about relationships right now.   

[StayOrLeave15]

Waifed - Your story really inspires me.  Rather than letting this woman tear you down you've used your experience as a way to turn your life around for the better.  I'm only 2.5 weeks NC from an intense 7 month relationship.  I've been strong ignoring all her attempts to contact me - which are numerous - but my heart does really ache for her. 

Cwell - I understand what you are saying about your feelings.  I've been through depressive episodes and that is not what I am currently feeling, although there are some similar symptoms.  Granted, my breakup is much more recent, I still think about her all the time and feel like I'm not 100% myself.  I imagine that would be normal 2 or 3 weeks out from any breakup, let alone one with a pwBPD. 

But do I deep down still want her in my life?

My answer to this is that you don't want her but rather you want the *IDEA* of her.  The highs.  The great feelings.  The happiness.  But please remember that with pwBPD the pendulum inevitably swings the other way and the painful lows will be there.  The logical part of our brains can understand this but it is incredibly difficult for the emotional parts.  The emotional part of my brain would love to be laying with her in my arms right now but the logical part says STAY AWAY! 

I hope that you are able to move past her.  The dreams are really hard.  I had one last night.  I wake up confused and sick to my stomach.  But maybe that's just what a relationship with a pwBPD is... .a dream.  They don't experience the same emotions as we do therefore their experience in the relationship is completely different than ours, even though it feels like we are experiencing it together.

I know that you will be able to meet a healthy partner.  Look at Waifed's story and keep up the hard work.   

[topknot]

Cwell, I have so many issues to sort through... you are not alone. Every time I ruminate, I say to myself, Topknot,  concentrate on why you allowed such treatment in the first place. He has stirred the coals at the bottom of the bbq grill, and I don't know when this will be resolved within myself. I fell into not taking care of myself with doctor checkups,  etc. for over two years now, and I have serious health issues, as I started living on a prayer like he does. Since he left, I was finding gobs of hair on my pillow at night. I have long hair, and I was freaking out.  Beautician said don't worry - no, this is stress, never had this before.  When we would argue, I could feel my mouth getting completely dry and tacky and my heart start racing. Never had that with anyone.  My point being, these relationships mess with our bodies in so many ways, it takes a long, long time. Every day no contact is a blessing