Bpd or am I trying to make myself feel better about a breakup?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm new to this board and have been posting a lot to try and makes sense of it all. Today I'm really struggling with the notion, does my ex have BPD/traits or am I trying to find justification for his behaviors to minimize the reflection on me... .that I wasn't good enough or did something to push him away.

- ex- boyfriend from childhood that reconnected, felt I was the one he wanted a do over with, he was too dumb back then to know what he had

- emphasized the desire that regardless of what happens he wants to always be friends

- felt he was going to marry me within 2 weeks of talking

- confessed personal information with 24 Hours

- had ex wife, ex fiancé, over 60 gfs and that all serious relationships ended up cheating on him. He knew I would never do that.

- talked about his ability to please women sexually and that it's all about them

- talked about lack of emotions, can't feel excitement, joy, etc

- constantly worried about being disrespected and talked about physical threats against anyone who disrespects him

- doesn't feel physical pain

- has a way if questioning when I was upset that made me say things I didn't really mean

- no close friends, says his young child is his best friend

- loves his child and makes time with them a priority

- has maintained the same job for several years

- sweet and caring but after the breakup in the friend phase there was no interest in any dialogue other than "have a good day"

As I type this out it seems pretty clear. However I can't help but feel that if I was more understanding of how he showed love and care and recognized or acknowledged that, he wouldn't have pushed me away. Completely dismissing the fact that he wasn't concerned about what was important to me in terms of being shown love or validated.

With all this I also keep thinking maybe the next person will make him happy and give him what he needs. Again, my words are all about "him". So twisted... . 

[Tater tot]

I'm new to this board and have been posting a lot to try and makes sense of it all. Today I'm really struggling with the notion, does my ex have BPD/traits or am I trying to find justification for his behaviors to minimize the reflection on me... .that I wasn't good enough or did something to push him away.

- ex- boyfriend from childhood that reconnected, felt I was the one he wanted a do over with, he was too dumb back then to know what he had

- emphasized the desire that regardless of what happens he wants to always be friends

- felt he was going to marry me within 2 weeks of talking

- confessed personal information with 24 Hours

- had ex wife, ex fiancé, over 60 gfs and that all serious relationships ended up cheating on him. He knew I would never do that.

- talked about his ability to please women sexually and that it's all about them

- talked about lack of emotions, can't feel excitement, joy, etc

- constantly worried about being disrespected and talked about physical threats against anyone who disrespects him

- doesn't feel physical pain

- has a way if questioning when I was upset that made me say things I didn't really mean

- no close friends, says his young child is his best friend

- loves his child and makes time with them a priority

- has maintained the same job for several years

- sweet and caring but after the breakup in the friend phase there was no interest in any dialogue other than "have a good day"

As I type this out it seems pretty clear. However I can't help but feel that if I was more understanding of how he showed love and care and recognized or acknowledged that, he wouldn't have pushed me away. Completely dismissing the fact that he wasn't concerned about what was important to me in terms of being shown love or validated.

With all this I also keep thinking maybe the next person will make him happy and give him what he needs. Again, my words are all about "him". So twisted... . 

[LettingGo14]

However I can't help but feel that if I was more understanding of how he showed love and care and recognized or acknowledged that, he wouldn't have pushed me away. Completely dismissing the fact that he wasn't concerned about what was important to me in terms of being shown love or validated.

With all this I also keep thinking maybe the next person will make him happy and give him what he needs. Again, my words are all about "him". So twisted... . 

Thank you for posting.  You are in the right place.  Your words are wise, and insightful.

We do start with our exes.   We want to understand.  We want to make rational sense of everything.  And when it ends, whether suddenly or after many cycles and recycles, we feel exhausted and drained and sometimes broken.

We are not broken.

We want to understand.

You are correct in recognizing that your words - at least right now - are about him.  But, that's what we all do.   For me, learning about BPD let me realize that nothing I could have done would have changed her, or us.    It allowed me to release my ex-girlfriend from my own visions of "what if... ."

Give yourself a break, and let yourself feel the loss.  It hurts -- so many members here can echo the hurt.

Much of what we experience is trauma.   The trauma of infidelity, loss, abandonment, hurtful words.   And, trauma takes time to heal.   

Keep posting.  You are in the right place.

[Tater tot]

Thank you LettingGo, it's maddening and frustrating that the rationality is there, I can see it, but am stuck in not accepting the rationality and reality of it and moving past it.

[LettingGo14]

Thank you LettingGo, it's maddening and frustrating that the rationality is there, I can see it, but am stuck in not accepting the rationality and reality of it and moving past it.

"Stuck" is okay right now.   Healing is an iterative, not linear, process.  Unfortunately, there is no "switch" to flick.  We circle our pain.   We ruminate.  We wonder.   

There's a Buddhist story about two arrows.   The first arrow here is the loss of relationship itself.  The second arrow is the one we shoot into ourselves with thoughts and ruminations (trying to "fix" things).   

Here's how Tara Brach, a meditation teacher, describes it:

The Buddha told a parable and the teaching was: 

“If you get struck by an arrow, do you then shoot another arrow into yourself?”

If we look at the way we move through the day, when something happens, when we have pain in our body, when somebody treats us in a way that feels disrespectful, when something goes wrong for someone we love, that’s the first arrow. Our mind and body go into a reactivity that does not help to bring healing. We blame others, we blame ourselves. That’s the second arrow.

Be kind to yourself, tater tot.  You are in the right place.

[maxen]

hi tater tot. that was a brave question to pose. it takes time to come to a real understanding of what happened, and why this affects us nons as horribly as it does. but do hold on to this:

Completely dismissing the fact that he wasn't concerned about what was important to me in terms of being shown love or validated.

you're not just trying to make yourself feel better by pondering his BPD. if he can't give in the same way as he wants, he surely has an emotional deficit. it's maddening, committing to someone like that - i did it. but please don't wonder about the next person. if the pattern is true, he may never get what he needs, because no person can fill that. please stay with us and keep posting!