How did your pwBPD portray herself to other people?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I was intrigued by something written in this thread -

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=232292.0

While you saw a very particular side of your pwBPD, what did others see? How did they present themselves to your friends, family or even strangers? Both in person and via other communications, including online or in their career? Did they show a side to others that made them appear sweet, could do no wrong, and like everything in their life/world was wonderful all the time? Or was it that they were more quiet/reserved? Or did people genuinely get to see little trickles of a more flawed person?

I'm just beginning to realise how good at manipulation they can be, and how they can completely conceal their true ways until you're in too deep; it's really scary but very curious.

My pwBPD definitely displayed a victim peronsa, would speak a lot about their tough past with focus on the 'woe is me' aspects as well as frequently talk about their insecurities and that others did not like them. However, I did see a lot of dysfunction too, a lot of drama and, not necessarily nastiness (at first) but a very quick to judge outlook.

[Springle]

I was intrigued by something written in this thread -

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=232292.0

While you saw a very particular side of your pwBPD, what did others see? How did they present themselves to your friends, family or even strangers? Both in person and via other communications, including online or in their career? Did they show a side to others that made them appear sweet, could do no wrong, and like everything in their life/world was wonderful all the time? Or was it that they were more quiet/reserved? Or did people genuinely get to see little trickles of a more flawed person?

I'm just beginning to realise how good at manipulation they can be, and how they can completely conceal their true ways until you're in too deep; it's really scary but very curious.

My pwBPD definitely displayed a victim peronsa, would speak a lot about their tough past with focus on the 'woe is me' aspects as well as frequently talk about their insecurities and that others did not like them. However, I did see a lot of dysfunction too, a lot of drama and, not necessarily nastiness (at first) but a very quick to judge outlook.

[Pingo]

I never really saw my ex around anyone else for the first several months.  He didn't have any close friends here, didn't meet his family for a long time.  So I was already hooked before I saw what he was like.  Mine was also a huge victim, loved to tell people (even people who were not good friends/family) that he had a brain injury.  He loved the attention and maybe the affirmations?  And no one better dare interrupt a conversation he might be having about his victimhood, they would be painted black!  He wanted to be center of attention but not in an extroverted way, a victim way.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Mine acted like some sort of ultra enthusiastic saint to others. But then of course she was treating me like dirt for years. Such a two face b****

[Popcorn71]

My xBPDh seemed to be two different people depending on who he was interacting with.  People either loved him or hated him.  I found that strange.  

He had a real 'fan club' locally and when we first got together so many people told me what a great guy he was.  But as time went on, I saw that so many of these people didn't really know him at all.  Only a few told me that they didn't like him.  In particular, I was shocked when an old lady told me that a few years before he had 'raged' at her for getting in his way whilst she was walking her dog.  She said that it was as if he was drunk as he was so abusive to her.  I also heard of several other people that had similar stories.

To other people, usually those who would be useful to him in some way, he was 'Mr nice guy' always helping out and doing favours.  But I do know that even with these people he would rip them off and take advantage if he had the chance.

Generally he put on a happy go lucky, everybody's mate, sort of personality.  But I know that was not the real him.

[Infern0]

I didn't really meet her "friends". I had no backstory on her.

I only knew her through work and she seemed quiet and shy.

Two of my female friends took an instant dislike to her but I couldn't tell why, they just told me to be careful but I thought they were being a holes about her.

It's funny because they are both what I'd call alpha females,  they detected her almost instantly as bad news. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Springle, Great topic.  My BPDxW was quite convincing to others in her role as Joan of Arc.  Only those few who were very close to her saw the dark side.  And a few other perceptive people who saw through the mask.  LuckyJim

[Springle]

I didn't really meet her "friends". I had no backstory on her.

I only knew her through work and she seemed quiet and shy.

Two of my female friends took an instant dislike to her but I couldn't tell why, they just told me to be careful but I thought they were being a holes about her.

It's funny because they are both what I'd call alpha females,  they detected her almost instantly as bad news. 

My pwBPD didn't really have many friends either, she latched on a lot to her ex husbands friends. What is strange is that most of the people in the group didn't really like her but never expanded on that (though I never asked) and yet would still invite her to things which really confused me. There were one of two girls in the group who one moment she would call her 'best friends' and next moment they were evil and horrid b*tches for trying to 'move in' on her ex; they would usually just be having a dance together in a club or something... .hardly moving in, besides ex ya know. I think they had tried to muscle her out of the group a few times but she always found a way back in, usually sleeping with her ex or someone else in the group :S.

[Springle]

Mine was also a huge victim, loved to tell people (even people who were not good friends/family) that he had a brain injury.

I find this curious too.

My pwBPD would tell any Tom, Dick and Harry about her problems, her issues, her difficult past; she didn't even seem to have a hard time telling people she was diagnosed with BPD but if you suggested that she go get therapy/counselling to try and help her, well she'd say 'Oh but I don't like talking about my problems, it makes me upset.' :/

Me thinks she just didn't want to get better, she preferred to be enabled and 'allowed' to act like a destructive child.

[Lucky Jim]

Me thinks she just didn't want to get better, she preferred to be enabled and 'allowed' to act like a destructive child.

Sounds quite familiar!  LJ

[PhoenixBlack]

I didn't really meet her "friends". I had no backstory on her.

I only knew her through work and she seemed quiet and shy.

Two of my female friends took an instant dislike to her but I couldn't tell why, they just told me to be careful but I thought they were being a holes about her.

It's funny because they are both what I'd call alpha females,  they detected her almost instantly as bad news. 

This is an interesting question and Inferno0, this was my experience too - I had little to no backstory on her. She was extremely cagey about her past and her friends (which I later found that she had very few). And even the one she called her 'bff', she sometimes seemed to hate and mistrust. Any questions about her ex were met with derision (of him), that he wasn't worth her time and although I knew the guy vaguely she genuinely seemed terrified that he'd say something about her. She was obsessed with what other people thought of her. She all but forbade me from discussing her with my friends - which beyond the casual stuff, I wouldn't do anyway… but it was a major trigger for her. I found that very odd at the time.

She portrayed herself as the life and soul of the party, an organiser and crowd-pleaser, she is high functioning and successful in her career and loved to be thought of as such. Initially, my friends really liked her… she appeared completely together, funny and chatty if a little intense. Pretty soon, they all disliked her and started avoiding her, one even telling me she is bat***t crazy. Their lack of acceptance for her sent my ex into rages and she made me choose between her and them. And like an idiot, I chose her.

[Tiepje3]

My uBPDstbxh (high functioning) could be the life of the party, people flocked around him, although he was the one doing most of the talking. He told funny stories (even though at some point I had heard them all), talked to everyone on trains, planes, busstops. Started all these conversations to a point where I'd notice that people were trying to end the conversation in a polite way (usually I stepped in and distracted him).

He liked to be seen as the mentor, the coach and he would indeed be a good one, because he's very intelligent and very smart and a good strategic thinker. But he had his tricks, especially liking to wear his earphones and tuning out, even on a family get-together. People would accept that, because he moved to my country and did not master the language quite well. I always noticed that at some point, people would think he was very hyper and dominating the conversation, but he could also be quiet and not participate at all.

I think people would see him just as 'strange' and put that down to cultural differences. The thing is though that they would always be able to remove themselves from the situation, leave, have another appointment. I was just stuck with him 24/7. In good times that was all I needed. In bad times he would be nice to others and give me all the crap. That makes it so hard to deal with. I know there's a nice person under the BPD/NPD, but he sometimes only showed that to others. I miss that person so badly. But now I've been replaced, I can't go back, as nice as he can be.

[Ihope2]

It seems that my exBPDh would do anything to stand out from the crowd and get attention and help from others for his "specialness".  I think he had traces of Narcissistic PD, too.  Very self-absorbed and it was all about him feeling entitled to a "lucky break" because he had had such a hard life.

He seems to have been a chameleon, shedding his skin and taking on a new persona each time he found himself in a new place, with a new set of people. I met him as the "charity endurance walker, ex-drug addict made good, turned his life around and is now giving it all up for other people and what he can do for others".  He solicited donations from people, and lived off the goodwill of others.  But in hindsight, he did not have exactly modest expectations!  For example, he would describe his walking as these long endurance walks across the length and breadth of the country, from city to town to where-ever, and he would take a tent and sleeping bag in his backpack, but then strangely enough, with whatever donations he got, he booked himself into high-end guesthouses along the way... .

He spun people a huge tale about his past, and how he had fought his drug addiction and was working on staying clean every day, etc.  People used to be totally captivated, mesmerised and emotionally charged by his sad and poignant story.  He used this as a bargaining chip to get things from others, be it money donations for his "Foundation against drug abuse" (non-existant, but the words sounded good, I guess), or offers of accomodation, free meals, free clothing.  

I think he really believed that he was doing this all for the greater good of educating people about the dangers of drug abuse, but in reality, he was actually a confidence trickster, preying on the sympathy and goodwill of others, and spinning them a yarn.

Then he became my husband, and his endurance walking motivation speaker anti-drug campaigner persona came crashing down around his ears.  He could not keep up the act any more. This is when I started seeing him for the angry, damaged, personality disordered, confused, depressed, suicidal, manipulative, deceitful person that he was so desperately trying to hide away from me and the rest of the world... .

It would be interesting to see what persona he has devised for himself now, wherever he is,  5 months down the line after our parting ways from each other... .No doubt he is captivating and engaging people in his desperate, sad and tragic, emotionally charged stories once again.  Before they see through his facade and his cover is blown, and he has to move on and re-invent himself all over again.

[Popcorn71]

He seems to have been a chameleon, shedding his skin and taking on a new persona each time he found himself in a new place, with a new set of people.

Yes, my exBPDh did this too.  During the 9 years I was with him he had 5 different sets of interests, together with a new group of 'mates', a different way of dressing and changing his lifestyle to fit in.  With the latest crowd, his replacement's family and friends, he has even changed his accent and uses their way of speaking to fit in more.

I wonder how long it will be before he changes again.  It's been a year, I give it another 9 - 12 months.