She got married last weekend

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I found out last weekend that my ex married the guy that she was cheating on me with for the last year and half of our interaction.

It hurts like hell.   LIKE HELL!  I cried, which was good, but have to restrain myself some trying to sabotage their marriage.  I have to respect boundaries.  I have to remember that if I loved my ex, and I am sincere, that all I can do in my love is to wish her and her cheating replacement husband the best.  

This past two years, I kept saying I could handle anything but not her and cheater replacement.  She lives a hundred miles away, but he lives in town.  Now they live in town and I"m scared and ashamed that I'll run into them.  I intensely miss her beauty and feel that I'll likely never find someone so alluring, which is true.  But that is shallow thinking that will lead me to despair.  

And the most pathetic part is that I still bargain with conversations and rationality between me and my ex, when the truth is that she doesn't really even remember much about me anymore. She has no feeling other than anger.  And she's run as fast and far away to minimize and connection on her part.  I'm not even on her radar and she's still a time-share gold key member in mine  

But, since last week, it's getting better. It will get better for you.

I'm angry at my replacement for disrespecting me and coveting my gf at the time.  But I know that he was easy putty in her hands.   And the fact of the matter, is that my replacement, is my rescuer.  In the Karpman Triangle, he thinks that he rescued  my ex, but really he rescued me.  The only way out of the triangle and the only way to survive being with a pwBPD is as a victim.  

REALLY, I have not doubt that if we had married our exes that it would have come close to killing us, if not actually killed us. We barely survived as it is.  Every day prolonged with our exes would mean that much more regret over not having gotten out sooner.   I have almost no doubt about this fact.

But knowing in my head, does not do much to ease the pain.   It sucks donkey dongs.  So, I have to find closure, and I have to grieve my fantasy.  It was always a fantasy. And I've held on to it for far too long.  

My childhood was not safe.  So to survive, I grew up like Walter Mitty, always fantasizing about being rescued by something better.  And in the meantime, always taking care of other people and issues, and barely surviving through the fear and shame.

My childhood and FOO... . Lots of responsibility, lots of shame, lots of pain, lots of abuse, lots of violence, lots of uncertainty, lots of chaos,  and lots and lots of fantasy that it will get better one day.  Basically, my interaction with my exgfwBPD.  

So I've held the fantasy, even though I know it's a fantasy.  So I have to grieve the fantasy.  But it's better today than it was last week, and it's closer to real closure for me.  

I searched all the posts for the words, "marriage, wedding, married,... . "  and read about whether it got better after people got married to their spouse with BPD.  It's an eye opener.  I've booked marked them and reread them almost every day now.  It helps me to know that getting married wouldn't have helped.  My ex would one day have cheated on me again and left me.   It's her nature with me.  

My replacement is only about 26 months into the r/s, so he doesn't really know what's going to hit. He's actually a very quiet guy, and I always thought that he would be better for my ex than me.  He represses much better.  So his fate is sealed... . eternal unhappiness with a wife who is in denial about her BPD.  

My replacement is my hero.  He's going to bear the sins of the partners of my ex unto his shoulders until he dies.  

I dodged the bullet.  I'm rebuilding a true self.  I'm moving forward.  And because it's my absolute worst nightmare of an outcome, with the greatest level of betrayal and disorder, it means that I have to do the most amount of work to get to the other side.  

We'll get to the other side together.  I've also been reading posts over and over.  Gardening until I can't stand or bend anymore.   Reading about people who married their BPDs.  And grieving the dissolving of my fantasy and the death of my false self.  

Sorry for the long post. I'm grieving and pain over the same issue.  When I let myself out of the denial, the thought of how much pain I have to go through shoots me back into denial, bargaining, and REVENGE.  But I'll work to get through the abandonment depression sooner or later and try and find acceptance.

Well at least that's the plan.  Otherwise, I was thinking that I could plant the seed in my exes head that her new husband will cheat on her, because their marriage is based on cheating (although she denies that that were cheating).  BPD at it's finest.

Thanks again for letting me vent.  

WE WILL get through this.

T

[Tausk]

I found out last weekend that my ex married the guy that she was cheating on me with for the last year and half of our interaction.

It hurts like hell.   LIKE HELL!  I cried, which was good, but have to restrain myself some trying to sabotage their marriage.  I have to respect boundaries.  I have to remember that if I loved my ex, and I am sincere, that all I can do in my love is to wish her and her cheating replacement husband the best.  

This past two years, I kept saying I could handle anything but not her and cheater replacement.  She lives a hundred miles away, but he lives in town.  Now they live in town and I"m scared and ashamed that I'll run into them.  I intensely miss her beauty and feel that I'll likely never find someone so alluring, which is true.  But that is shallow thinking that will lead me to despair.  

And the most pathetic part is that I still bargain with conversations and rationality between me and my ex, when the truth is that she doesn't really even remember much about me anymore. She has no feeling other than anger.  And she's run as fast and far away to minimize and connection on her part.  I'm not even on her radar and she's still a time-share gold key member in mine  

But, since last week, it's getting better. It will get better for you.

I'm angry at my replacement for disrespecting me and coveting my gf at the time.  But I know that he was easy putty in her hands.   And the fact of the matter, is that my replacement, is my rescuer.  In the Karpman Triangle, he thinks that he rescued  my ex, but really he rescued me.  The only way out of the triangle and the only way to survive being with a pwBPD is as a victim.  

REALLY, I have not doubt that if we had married our exes that it would have come close to killing us, if not actually killed us. We barely survived as it is.  Every day prolonged with our exes would mean that much more regret over not having gotten out sooner.   I have almost no doubt about this fact.

But knowing in my head, does not do much to ease the pain.   It sucks donkey dongs.  So, I have to find closure, and I have to grieve my fantasy.  It was always a fantasy. And I've held on to it for far too long.  

My childhood was not safe.  So to survive, I grew up like Walter Mitty, always fantasizing about being rescued by something better.  And in the meantime, always taking care of other people and issues, and barely surviving through the fear and shame.

My childhood and FOO... . Lots of responsibility, lots of shame, lots of pain, lots of abuse, lots of violence, lots of uncertainty, lots of chaos,  and lots and lots of fantasy that it will get better one day.  Basically, my interaction with my exgfwBPD.  

So I've held the fantasy, even though I know it's a fantasy.  So I have to grieve the fantasy.  But it's better today than it was last week, and it's closer to real closure for me.  

I searched all the posts for the words, "marriage, wedding, married,... . "  and read about whether it got better after people got married to their spouse with BPD.  It's an eye opener.  I've booked marked them and reread them almost every day now.  It helps me to know that getting married wouldn't have helped.  My ex would one day have cheated on me again and left me.   It's her nature with me.  

My replacement is only about 26 months into the r/s, so he doesn't really know what's going to hit. He's actually a very quiet guy, and I always thought that he would be better for my ex than me.  He represses much better.  So his fate is sealed... . eternal unhappiness with a wife who is in denial about her BPD.  

My replacement is my hero.  He's going to bear the sins of the partners of my ex unto his shoulders until he dies.  

I dodged the bullet.  I'm rebuilding a true self.  I'm moving forward.  And because it's my absolute worst nightmare of an outcome, with the greatest level of betrayal and disorder, it means that I have to do the most amount of work to get to the other side.  

We'll get to the other side together.  I've also been reading posts over and over.  Gardening until I can't stand or bend anymore.   Reading about people who married their BPDs.  And grieving the dissolving of my fantasy and the death of my false self.  

Sorry for the long post. I'm grieving and pain over the same issue.  When I let myself out of the denial, the thought of how much pain I have to go through shoots me back into denial, bargaining, and REVENGE.  But I'll work to get through the abandonment depression sooner or later and try and find acceptance.

Well at least that's the plan.  Otherwise, I was thinking that I could plant the seed in my exes head that her new husband will cheat on her, because their marriage is based on cheating (although she denies that that were cheating).  BPD at it's finest.

Thanks again for letting me vent.  

WE WILL get through this.

T

[gettingoverit]

I found out last weekend that my ex married the guy that she was cheating on me with for the last year and half of our interaction.

I'm angry at my replacement for disrespecting me and coveting my gf at the time.  But I know that he was easy putty in her hands.   And the fact of the matter, is that my replacement, is my rescuer.  In the Karpman Triangle, he thinks that he rescued  my ex, but really he rescued me.  The only way out of the triangle and the only way to survive being with a pwBPD is as a victim.

You know... . that is a very healthy and true way to look at it. Our replacements did rescue us unbeknownst to them. My replacement fell for my ex's con so hard it's truly unbelievable. I know if someone had not come along and taken her off my hands, I would not have had the strength to leave her... . even though I was incredibly unhappy and dying to get out. Although just like you I am angry at my replacement, looking back now I should write a thank you note for saving my psychological and financial future. My ex is somone elses problem now. I am free. It took me a long time to get to this point though. Getting over these relationships just take time and patience with yourself.

[Skip]

This past two years, I kept saying I could handle anything but not her and cheater replacement.  She lives a hundred miles away, but he lives in town.  Now they live in town and I"m scared and ashamed that I'll run into them.  I intensely miss her beauty and feel that I'll likely never find someone so alluring, which is true.  But that is shallow thinking that will lead me to despair.  

Tausk,

"Scared and ashamed" are really powerful emotions two years out.

I've read your posts for 2 years and I don't truly grasp your story - its not laid out it a single place.  I know you have done a lot of really good work in looking at the psychology of personality (yours and hers) - a lot of work - but clearly this is still eating at your gut.

What all happened in this relationship.  What do the scars trace back too?

Skip

[freedom33]

But knowing in my head, does not do much to ease the pain.   It sucks donkey dongs.  So, I have to find closure, and I have to grieve my fantasy.  It was always a fantasy. And I've held on to it for far too long.  

Sometimes when I get such thoughts in my head about my ex, what she might be doing, how her life might be with someone else and how it might have been if were together I pay a visit to the staying part of this forum read a few threads and I ask myself. Would I want to go through this s**t everyday of my life?

Try it! It might work.

[Blimblam]

Tausk,

Man that has got to hurt. I'm sorry. 

[Just_me82]

I am 2 years away from my ex that I walked out on. We dated 7 months and come to find out she was still married. When she started coming around I point blank told her I knew she was married and she told me they were actually signing final paperwork within a week and then I started running around with her. 7 months later I find out that she is still married, he is living there and she had been shuffling us around, lying to everyone, hiding his stuff when I came over and it was absolute heart break. I ended up almost a year later taking her back when I knew for sure she was getting divorced after a mistake on my part of contacting her and her begging for forgiveness. That lasted 4 months and in that time frame she had several splitting sessions where she became someone I did not know and she acted totally like someone I did not know around other people... almost just like a mirror around people and acting the way they did. The end of it was that she faked being pregnant even though I did not know at the time because she produced fake lies to make it real that I was dumb enough to buy into until I woke up and left her. She harassed me for months and finally it stopped which told me that she had found someone new. The baby deal ate me alive inside and still tears at my strings in my heart. I myself too find myself going back and forth replaying the good times in my head and having a hard time remembering the bad. I have conversations with her basically for fear that I will run into her some day and I want to be prepared so I do not end up falling into her trap again. She was a good looking woman, insane sex, all of the above that I have read from others describing their encounters.

I was adopted which left me feeling alone even though I really wasn't and had loving parents that raised me. I had turmoil growing up over this that I fought and I guess I was the type that rescues people which led to my demise. She has since remarried what I guess was her high school sweet heart and I hear that the poor guy has been at the local bars drinking and saying what mistake he made by doing this. You are right, whoever takes you place is actually the one that saves you and in my case, I had enough power still left in me to actually walk away where as most people can not and I totally grasp that because at least in my situation, it was a control thing on her part to keep me around at all costs.

I am now at a point where it really did not phase me when I found out she remarried, but more so, I was surprised at how quickly she moved on like I was nothing at all and all of the things she said to me that obviously were just a lie. I try to talk to people and they are just like ... move on, forget her... but they don't understand how much of a hold someone like this has on you. I am a hundred times better that a few years ago, but I can't lie... I feel lost without her and I do not understand why.

[Reforming]

Hi Tausk,

I'm sorry for your pain. Putting the world of the disordered aside for a moment I think many people experience strong emotions when they hear that a comparatively recent ex has got married.

When it's the product of infidelity and betrayal it hurts a lot more.

Even when you understand the nature of BPD relationships, an event like this can still be overwhelming. Perhaps because it's hard to completely extinguish a secret fantasy that somehow it'll all be fixed, that she'll see the light, recognise how special you are, come back and get better

My ex was having an affair with a married man. It's almost two years since I've seen her and I've managed to stay no contact for most of that time. I don't know her circumstances and I don't want to, but I do know that given the nature of the disorder it's almost certain that she's with someone else or even married.

If not to my replacement, then his replacement. The cycle will continue and sooner or later my replacement will be experiencing the same feelings as I did. Perhaps worse because he will have destroyed his marriage.

Being on her own terrifies her, but her compulsive need to be with someone will driver her until her need turns to hate. It's a never-ending cycle that will poison any relationship as long as remains unwilling to heal herself and very few do.

Her behaviour was devastating and felt intensely personal to me, but it wasn't.

Really letting go is very hard. It means accepting deep down in our hearts that what we believed was a unique bond, a place where we felt really loved and special in a way that we never had before was never real in the way we wanted it be.

I think that when hold on to our anger, or a desire for revenge we are still holding on to them because at some level accepting this is very painful, but it keeps us stuck and unable to find real happiness.

To quote a post by 2010; I know you've read them all but I thought this one might be helpful

"It is a pattern.   Borderlines fail at living productive lives and instead repeat the same unsatisfying actions over and over again in repetitious compulsion to re-live their childhood thoughts of persecution and slavery.  Borderlines live in a revolving door process.  There is an opening and there is an exit on this spinning chamber- but once they get you inside they hope to stay still- but other people in their head (that you are unaware of) keep pushing them around and they keep distorting who those persecuting people actually are.  Quick guess: it’s now you.

Rather than telling you exactly how they feel-(controlled and persecuted by childhood demons) they are intrapsychically re-working masochism and sadism through their relationship with you.  They are doing to you exactly what they feel was done to them by their childhood caretakers and they are watching you carefully spin around as you die by a thousand sadistic paper-cuts.  You are a stand-in for Mom and Dad.  Meanwhile, they re out the revolving door.

This isn't just mean spirited behavior.  It's compulsive. This behavior was in place long before you came into the picture.   If you take it personally you will not heal.  :)o not seek revenge or worse, try to spend your life arguing with them. You have to learn that a compulsion is behavior that’s done to *everyone*- it is painful and self-serving for them- but pointless and stupid at the same time. It never accomplishes what it sets out to do- to overcome the initial battle with people that exist and persecute and live inside their heads.  That's not your job to get in there and figure it out for them- they'll only see you as their hypercritical parent.  This is all about distortion and it's what got you here.

Either way we must admit to ourselves that it is a pattern, and it is a pattern that repeats itself in inter *actions* with others.  (I think that’s the light bulb that goes off when people first google and come to this site.)  Eureka, I didn’t cause this. It’s not because of me. There is a pattern, it is behavioral, and it is a compulsion.

The fused, idealistic coupling that you shared with this person must go away. You'll begin to mend when you get some distance from the addictive intensity of the I-YOU interlock that suffers from such great distortions and mistrust. You should be angry over the betrayal but just enough to reasonably understand that this isn't a shameful experience that you caused- It was actually a great gift of seeing yourself mirrored and adored- but not realistic. This thought will eventually give way to sadness and that will work it's way out of your heart with pangs of wanting and hopes for a reconciliation to prove to yourself that I'm wrong. These doubts will lessen when you review the behavior. You'll begin to see it for what it was, a scripted, one sided arrangement that facilitated their distortions of you and gave them errors in judgment over who you were.  The only way to prove them wrong is to stop engaging and giving them what they want (a persecutor) and walk away.

it’s* not*your* fault* this happened   "

Reforming

[Take2]

((   ))   I'm so sorry Tausk... .  I imagine the pain must be pretty intense.  I know it would be for me.  It is quite amazing that such pain can last for so long after a relationship is over.  Truly no one else understands it. 

Reforming... .  thank you for posting that from 2010... .  that's a good one to think about as I go thru yet another "withdrawal" phase from someone I'm not even involved with! 

(just as amazing that the pain can last is how the merry go round can last - even when no longer involved with them... .only have contact due to work circumstances... .) 

We're here for you Tausk... .you've been so helpful to me in the past... .  hope the pain eases soon... .