Guidance needed...

[thereishope]

So... .I feel I am nearing the actual decision to walk away.  I am interested in any experiences/suggestions/insights any of you have to share with how/what to do that will make this as "simple"/"easy" (yeah right) for me as possible... .

Thank you in advance... .

Grace and peace!

[freedom33]

The move has to be as effective, efficient and swift as possible. So you should have a solid plan in place on how to deliver on these points.

I think the whole thing will depend on your particular circumstances.

Do you live together? If yes, this complicates things. You won't be able to move out swiftly. I wasn't living with my xBPDgf. The last time I saw her I decided I had enough and I told her 'don't contact me again, you are finished' and that was it. I left and didn't turn back. So when you decide to break it just tell them what you want/expect from them and leave. Don't negotiate or get into conversations. It is not a dialogue, or an ultimatum but an announcement.

Be prepared for attempts on their side to contact you, pull you in or otherwise play games with you. I have been almost NC 3 weeks now and be mindful that I have been preparing for this in the back of my mind for some time both practically and emotionally. e.g. practically not leaving any stuff at hers. So I have now very few stuff at hers left that I am happy to write off. She still has some of hers at mine. 

So as expected she texted me for picking up SOME of her stuff on a particular day. My response was brief and sticking to the point i.e. getting her stuff back in the most efficient and swift way. Then when she realised that she was going to get ALL of her stuff not just SOME she realised that it would signify the end of the rs and cancelled. I did not respond and she has not been in touch since. She has sent me an outrageous email asking for some money which I didn't even bother to respond. And I am also happy to write off my stuff in the hope that I won't hear back never again from her. So basically keeping the focus on me and focusing on what I can do to maintain my NC not controlling her. That's another important bit that helps and keeps me empowered. I only own one thing, myself.

Finally be prepared for setbacks - This was my 3rd attempt. In the previous two times I did know I shouldn't have given in and regretted it almost immediately afterwards but the upside is that I managed to work on certain aspects in the rs that I recognised as being key in keeping me trapped. For example sex for me was a big pull factor. The 2nd time I got back with her after 1 month NC it was largely due to sex. So I made a conscious effort in the ensuing 3 1/2 months until this last demise of the rs, to objectively see sex with her for what it was, a fake show that lacked any real intimacy and trust with the only aim to control me. I paid attention to what was going on and eventually helped me to demystify all the power that surrounded it. So even while in the rs I was working to dispell the grip that certain aspects of the rs had on me. It was a sustained effort.

Best of luck with it.

[Rifka]

Yes there is hope!

Read everything available here from the leaving L3 material offered at the top of all of the threads. There is so much available! First thing is that to be ready it means that you promise to yourself that you are done trying to figure out what you did wrong and all of the other doubts and questions that you have been driving yourself almost insane with. It doesn't matter! Are you there?

What matters is you and only you right now! It's time to be completely selfish lock up all of your pride, put on the armor and take complete responsibility for what happened to you. It is going to be horrible to self reflect, take the blame for you and only you, to see and hear things that are going to be out and out uncomfortable and definitely not what you want to hear.

Are you still ready and ok with this so far? If not you are possibly not ready.

If you are ready, then it's time to fix you and what you accept for yourself and from others.

Can you say no? Yell it! No,no,no. It does not make you bad to say no. You are saying this is not good for you, listening to your natural instincts that try to protect us.

So what do you think? We have all been at different stages and still are. We are all healing here, or trying to get to that point. It's one step at a time. I will say it a million times so that I hear it loudly in my ears. NO CONTACT IS THE ONLY WAY TO SURVIVE AND GO FORWARD IF THERE ARE NO CHILDREN INVOLVED!

Baby steps!

[thereishope]

Thank you both, for your excellent responses!

I do know that for sanity's sake, when I do make that final move, it needs to be swift and with absolutely no looking back.  I really don't even care about "stuff", so I'm going to include what I absolutely "need" in my pre-planning process... .I know I don't need much, and it is freeing to think about leaving as much "stuff" as possible.  We are married, and live together, so logistics plays a HUGE part... .I need a place to live, a vehicle, and a job... .none of which I currently have.  I do have parents out of state where I could go and technically do my planning from there if I so chose.

Thanks again for taking the time... .and anything else you can think of would be greatly appreciated!

God bless!

[Rifka]

Thank you both, for your excellent responses!

I do know that for sanity's sake, when I do make that final move, it needs to be swift and with absolutely no looking back.  I really don't even care about "stuff", so I'm going to include what I absolutely "need" in my pre-planning process... .I know I don't need much, and it is freeing to think about leaving as much "stuff" as possible.  We are married, and live together, so logistics plays a HUGE part... .I need a place to live, a vehicle, and a job... .none of which I currently have.  I do have parents out of state where I could go and technically do my planning from there if I so chose.

Thanks again for taking the time... .and anything else you can think of would be greatly appreciated!

God bless!

You have a lot on your plate, good planning is essential.

Nobody can tell you what to do and when because it works differently for everybody. Do you have children together? Are you going to try to do all of those things while still living there? There is help available here to help you and the national abuse hotline is another really great resource. Thy are available 24 hours a day. Are you physically safe where you are?

There are so many resources available for free if you truly want to go forward.

I wish you so much luck!

[Rifka]

Sorry it's the national domestic abuse hotline. Abuse does not have to be physical! Emotional and mentally abuse are technically more damaging.

[Mutt]

There's a good article on the site  how to leave a borderline: Leaving A Partner with Borderline Personality

God bless.

- Mutt

[thereishope]

There's a good article on the site  how to leave a borderline: Leaving A Partner with Borderline Personality

God bless.

- Mutt

Thank u, Mutt... .Going to read that now... .

[thereishope]

Yup... .that article was perfect... .  Thank u!

[freedom33]

Parents out of state doesn't sound like a bad option. Comes with the benefits of being away from triggers and in a safe place with people that can support you (presuming you maintain a good rs with your folks). You will need support and this will be critical to maintain your nc once out. Also keep in mind the longer you stay the tougher it will be to leave.

My jaw 'dropped' when I read the descriptions in there. It was during my first break with her when I took some time off to realise what was going on. I had lost my mind back then. My god has it been a hell of a year for me. There are better sources out there though. Good luck with your  l research.

[thereishope]

Parents out of state doesn't sound like a bad option. Comes with the benefits of being away from triggers and in a safe place with people that can support you (presuming you maintain a good rs with your folks). You will need support and this will be critical to maintain your nc once out. Also keep in mind the longer you stay the tougher it will be to leave.

The gettingbetter site was the first thing I encountered in the topic when I realised that something was not right. My jaw 'dropped' when I read the descriptions in there. It was during my first break with her when I took some time off to realise what was going on. I had lost my mind back then. My god has it been a hell of a year for me. There are better sources out there though. Good luck with your  l research.

I am definitely leaning towards my parents' place... .as a matter of fact, they are INCREDIBLY supportive, neutral, and strong, godly people, thank God!  Actually, I recycled some months ago after uBPDh threw knives across the kitchen at me (duh!) and "ran to my parents'" place for a week with my kids.  They all can tell you it was an incredibly excellent week... .I didn't really even miss uBPDh, and spent tons of time DOING THINGS WITH my kids (instead of catering to his BPD!)... .They all say they really enjoyed that time and miss it... .UNFORTUNATELY, (after being pissed at first because my leaving was UNNECESSARY in his eyes... .of course), he came around to communicating well with me over the phone (didn't go NC... .wasn't aware of BPD at the time  ), we had some excellent conversations where I expressed my feelings about him treating me like S$%&T, he promised to be different... ."just come home!"... .and I caved.  Stupid stupid stupid (as someone else wisely stated in another thread)!  The rest is history... .I KNEW I would be diving back into emotional oblivion, where myself would get swallowed up and indeed it has... .I don't need to even state that the "change" lasted a good week, then same old same old... .(another duh!)... .So now I KNOW things must be absolutely NC the next (and FINAL) time I go.

I'm definitely interested in any "better resources" you feel led to share... .I'm really trying to wrap my head around the BPD bad actually (realistically) being BIGGER than the brief times of splitting white "good" that keeps me held in quicksand... . 

[enlighten me]

Hi thereishope.

One thing that I will say is that no matter how bad you may think your situation will be if you leave it never is as bad as you thought and you do bounce back.

When my uBPDw dumped me I was working abroad. I didn't know what was happening. I returned home and had to move out straight away as she had started claiming benefits and said me living there would invalidate them. I was so shell shocked that I bought it and moved out. Her and my family didn't get on so she asked if I could not move in with them as she didn't want them poisoning me against her while we had so much to sort out. I foolishly agreed and ended up living in my tent at a camping site for a month as I had no money because she had spent it all.

I was broke, homeless and didn't have a clue what had happened. I was going through the heartache that comes when a relationship with a BPD finishes.

I went back to work overseas and was a broken man but slowly I started to heal. I managed to save enough for a deposit on a flat and the first months rent. When I got home I rented a flat and slowly started to rebuild my life. After a year I was back on my feet but still going through the divorce. I was happy again, chilled out and back to my old self.

That was 4 years ago and I hardly think about my ex wife apart from when writing on here.

I know I had a job but what Im trying to say is once your out of the relationship things start to become clear. You set your sites on where you want to be and what you want to do and work towards it. Its very therapeutic starting from scratch. You can look back and say "I did all of this on my own". It just proves how capable you really are.

Good luck

[freedom33]

I couldn't agree more enlightenme. The moment you break free from the toxicity of the relationship with a BPD you are already much better of. Best gift I have given to myself. After a week or two, your mind clears a bit, after 3-4 weeks your muscles start to untense and relax, after a few months your heart starts to heal. It is great! And is it was said - you start from scratch so you can now consciously mold your life anyway you want to.

[thereishope]

Thank you both... .I think I'm already starting to feel a tinge of this as I begin formulating plans in my head... .rent a car, get to my parents', start looking for a vehicle with which to  begin a job I was doing before... .etc... .It feel s good and I have had the same thoughts you both just expressed in the previous two messages... .I do know I am capable of a lot more and I soo want to do much different/better/more significant things with my time and my heartbeats and breaths than pouring everything I am and have into a black hole.

Thank you thank you thank you... .It is very good and therapeutic and encouraging hearing from those of you who can tell me how things are beyond this first step... .I appreciate you all very much.

Blessings!