Why do they view love as weakness

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Everything ive read is that if you tell them you love them and do what they ask and they hate you for it and consider you like a cuckold, weak and spineless. What is up with that? Do they hate the need for love in themselves so much? I guess because it is a need that because of pbd they cannot fill. What do they really expect someone to mistreat and treat them indifferently. Oh I guess they do. So darned confusing that you literally have to just cease and desist in trying to make sense of the insanity of it all.

[screwedfriend]

Everything ive read is that if you tell them you love them and do what they ask and they hate you for it and consider you like a cuckold, weak and spineless. What is up with that? Do they hate the need for love in themselves so much? I guess because it is a need that because of pbd they cannot fill. What do they really expect someone to mistreat and treat them indifferently. Oh I guess they do. So darned confusing that you literally have to just cease and desist in trying to make sense of the insanity of it all.

[enlighten me]

I think that as they have a different view of what love is then they don't see your statement as particularly good. They see it from their perspective and not how a non see's it.

As for them never being happy with everything you do for them well with both of my uBPDex's I did everything that was asked and they where never happy.

I think this is more to do with thinking something will make them happy but when they get it they find that it hasn't.

[Infern0]

In her moments of clarity mine admitted she had never been happy in her life,  and didn't know how to be happy. She did say she "thought she could be happy with me" but didn't deserve happiness.  And she also admitted she's not happy with the replacement.

They are wired differently,  it's a sad existence.  They just can't process happiness or contentment on any level.  It's a sad existence.  They wear a mask, it's a false persona.  Underneath the mask is an unfathomable person. A living tradegy.  And that's what is ripping you apart.

You need to understand it, once you do you can heal. She probably never will be able to,  she exists in a world of pain.

[Tater tot]

So darned confusing that you literally have to just cease and desist in trying to make sense of the insanity of it all.

Exactly, you just have to stop making sense or trying to understand anything they do or say, because to us, it's neither rational nor logical. When I start rehashing stuff, I just have to stop myself and think, "it is, what it is". I found relief in using that mantra because it stops obsessive thoughts and the what-ifs.

And as others pointed out, they do lead a very sad existence. When I would ask my ex what was good in his day, his response "talking to you". After we broke up and I tried to remain friends and I would ask him what was good in his day, he'd be pissed that I would ask such a stupid question, and then finally say "well I'm alive, my kid is alive, I guess that's good." Everything in life was negative, and instead of trying to do anything to change his circumstances he'd just default to "it is what it us". He acknowledged at the end that he doesn't know that anyone can make him happy, because he doesn't even know how to make himself happy.

Because you are here and posting, you may not be happy now, but you want to be. You are taking care to heal yourself. And that's something that they aren't able to do. You my friend, are winning.

[freedom33]

Everything ive read is that if you tell them you love them and do what they ask and they hate you for it and consider you like a cuckold, weak and spineless. What is up with that?

Because they wouldnt want to join a club that would accept them as a member. When you love something they hate (i.e. themselves) they think that there must be something wrong with you and devalue you.

[Tater tot]

Because they wouldnt want to join a club that would accept them as a member. When you love something they hate (i.e. themselves) they think that there must be something wrong with you and devalue you.

That is good!

[Rise]

I think a lot of it has to do with the their deficient sense of self. It's like they have a giant emotional void inside, that they can't fill themselves. So they turn to others to fix it. They demand we love them, because they think it will make them feel better. But things don't work that way. No matter what we do, no matter how much we love them, it's never going to fill that void, because it's something that has to come internally.

So we do our best to love them and meet their demands, but it never makes them feel better. They can't understand why they still feel empty. We're doing what they "know" should make them happy, but it's not working. That confusion over why they don't feel better leads to anger and resentment. They can't internalize those feelings, so they have to project it onto us. We have to be doing something wrong, because they aren't feeling better. So basically it comes out as, "You're supposed to make me feel better, but you're not. That makes you the one that's hurting me, and I hate you for it."

I don't think it's necessarily that they view our love as a weakness. They view it in terms of failing to fix them. And the problem for us is, we are being given an impossible task. We can never meet their expectations, because what they want is something we can't give them.