I'm so done being 'tough'

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm so done with being 'strong' and 'tough' and trying to stay LC (only interacting when divorce proceedings require it).

I'm done being 'strong' for my kids, trying to pretend he wasn't yelling at me.

I'm done being tough, even though right now I have an uncertain (financial) future.

People tell me I'm a strong woman, that it is good that I'm doing fun stuff for myself, keeping occupied, going out, still going to school, being able to deal with a quarter of the income I was used to (and still manage).

But I wish I didn't have to be sometimes. I wish I could just curl up and cry (which I sometimes do in my own bedroom), or tell the world I'm NOT strong, I'm in need of help, practical help, emotional help.  I wish I didn't have to be strong for my kids and pretend everything's quite okay so it won't mess up their final school year too much.

I wish someone would take over for a bit. I wish he would just magically change, see the errors of his ways, tell me it was just a nightmare and now we're back where we were a year ago, blissful, paradise, fun, loving.

I don't like acting 'tough' around him, when all I want to do is hide in his embrace and let him take care of me.

I guess life's tough, but I'm probably tougher... .

[Tiepje3]

I'm so done with being 'strong' and 'tough' and trying to stay LC (only interacting when divorce proceedings require it).

I'm done being 'strong' for my kids, trying to pretend he wasn't yelling at me.

I'm done being tough, even though right now I have an uncertain (financial) future.

People tell me I'm a strong woman, that it is good that I'm doing fun stuff for myself, keeping occupied, going out, still going to school, being able to deal with a quarter of the income I was used to (and still manage).

But I wish I didn't have to be sometimes. I wish I could just curl up and cry (which I sometimes do in my own bedroom), or tell the world I'm NOT strong, I'm in need of help, practical help, emotional help.  I wish I didn't have to be strong for my kids and pretend everything's quite okay so it won't mess up their final school year too much.

I wish someone would take over for a bit. I wish he would just magically change, see the errors of his ways, tell me it was just a nightmare and now we're back where we were a year ago, blissful, paradise, fun, loving.

I don't like acting 'tough' around him, when all I want to do is hide in his embrace and let him take care of me.

I guess life's tough, but I'm probably tougher... .

[Infern0]

I know how you feel,  it's horrible.

I've had to defend myself from her at work. It's been dreadful. When I saw her in this mediated settings I can see straight through the mask, I know what's underneath.

She sat there like a stranger and I had to act like that too. Put it all aside while the past is going through my head. Refute her lies.  Expose her games and deception.

I don't want to have to do that,  I'd rather have left my job than fight her.  But I had no choice because I had to stand up for innocents who would be hurt by this.

It's painful,  I'm coping ok I guess,  considering. But when I'm alone a million thoughts and feelings are going through my head.  I suppose it's a small taste of what she's going through every day.

It's horrible and it's hard.

[amigo]

Dear Tiepje3 

I Soo understand you. This could have been my post, except for the children.

I am also outwardly doing ok, moving on, doing "fun" things and functioning at work. But the other day I was trying to fix a very small problem on my motorcycle and failed miserably. I felt the absence of a man in my life with a vengeance. I know I can do almost everything the ex would do for me, but sometimes I just don't want to! I just want to be held and told that it is going to be ok. With all his shortcomings, he held and caressed me like no one else, when he was in his loving phase. It is maddening. A friend's embrace is not the same.

Like you I am so tired of being strong. I often ask myself "why can't I just go crazy and stalk him and cry and just be weak". Of course I know the answer. Of course I have to keep staying the course, keep going, keep being strong. But it really feels good to admit, that sometimes I am so over being strong. I too need the comfort of a loving man, who is there for me and understands and holds me.

Bug until then, friends' hugs will have to do... .


We are here for you.

[thereishope]

... .With all his shortcomings, he held and caressed me like no one else, when he was in his loving phase. It is maddening... .

This one sentence made me cry. ... .I understand completely

[Indyan]

Oh Lord, sound like you wrote MY WORDS!

I know I have to be strong, do all the paper stuff, smile at my lovely, lovely kids, plan for the future, look ahead... .but it's so hard.

Especially that my family lives far and I have hardly anyone to rely upon (apart from a couple of friends).

I can reflect in every sentence you wrote... .and I'd also add... .

I wish I didn't rush my kids to bed sometimes, just to allow myself to cry.

I wish I didn't see HIS eyes in my lovely baby's green eyes and MISS him.

I wish I felt no hope and no envy when reading about "recoveries"

I wish I didn't hate him so much

I wish I didn't feel that sad, that's giving him too much importance.

I've seeked the help you mentionned, at last. I saw a "psy nurse" yesterday and phoned a therapist today. HE asked if it did me good, I didn't answer. Why should he care?

He keeps wishing me "Good Luck", which sounds to me like is reasing me or something.

I'm also so fed up with pretending all this doesn't reach me.

[Indyan]

... .With all his shortcomings, he held and caressed me like no one else, when he was in his loving phase. It is maddening... .

This one sentence made me cry. ... .I understand completely

Oh God yes, and last time was last week-end, and then he left me again... .that's when I started to feel really miserable and decided to STOP physical contact with him. I hope I'll manage to stick to it.

[Recooperating]

Tiepje,

You're post made me cry, infact Ive been crying all day, (finally!) feeling this exact same thing!

Why dont I have a magic want and hocus pocus... .He's cured and we can live happily ever after! Why does this ___ed up BPD exist and why him?

Im so sick of being strong too, sick of NC, but know I cant break it, cause if I do it will even be worse. I cant be with him, he's a gremlin that turns into a monster in a heartbeat! he's so not good for me, but damn... .Those good times.

I wanna disapear, hybernate and wake up when its all over. Sick of fake smiles to get through the day. Sick of not being "present" in the world, but walking around like a zombie, trying really hard to keep up. Tired of making ends meet, filling one whole with the next, not knowing how Ill manage next month.

We are strong women, but inside is also a scared and hurt little girl and she's crying!

[Indyan]

recooperating, you've got kids?

[Recooperating]

No, although I would love to have kids and time is ticking... .Im really happy to say that I didnt go through with the baby-wish and stayed on birth control.

I cant imagine how you power women go through this extremely hard time and still find the strenght to take care of your children. Also to not say something bad about "daddy" when he's clearly an ass! Much much respect... .I wouldnt know how to do it... .

[Indyan]

Not saying anything... .is hard sometimes.

I mentionned "crazy daddy" when talking to my baby (who doesn't understand) and my 10D put me in my place . I've never ever said anything "bad" about HER daddy, whom I respect and care for a great lot.

The hardest for me is not to feel sorry (and responsible) for having such an unstable daddy.