I still feel the eagles claws...

[ANewHorizon]

I use the term eagles claws to help myself cope. Part of it with the eagle being the apex predator and secondly how when the tallons latch they don't typically let go.

To me its the cycle of splitting. One minute I gain freedom and run as fast I can from the clutches of death yet stop after 50 yards and about face only to return to the fear that has gained power for so long.

I struggle to comprehend the concept even being able to separate from the FOG long enough but have such emense guilt as a NON with a no conflict/caregiver position for so long. The emotional scale with guilt and hope on one end and strength/resilence on the other constantly swinging from side to side can drive any living being to madness yet this is reality.

Luckily I have a beam of light with D1 to help pull me through the pits of purgatory knowing there is no choice. Ironically she is my guiding light even though I am her guiding light to avoid the turmoil that has turned me into less than a rock of stability to be strong for her.

I know what has to be but needing a soap box to vent some feelings so they don't consume me as they have in the past.  This board has truly being a saving grace to avoid the eagle's clutch deep in my soul with T only being 1x per week. Its amazing how you can go so long feeling all alone only to find your not and a second family to help pull you from certain emotional death.

Sorry for the emotional hiku but just needing to vent in a different way. This place truly has pulled me out of the FOG from uBPDw in the divorce process and helped me realize what I need to do for my guiding light, my everything, D1.