Stay with the pain

[Blimblam]

I think the most valuable practice I have done besides reaching out on here has been staying with the pain and just feeling the feelings in my chest and gut.  It is often a struggle untill I accept defeat and surrender to the uncomfortable feelings. Any sort of pep talks end up being a sort of coping mechanism and lie I try to convince myself. I have made a practice out of feeling the physical sensations in my gut and chest and I call it meditation. It is nothing fancy and I do not seek anything mystical no being of light or higher power.  Just laying their feeling the uncomfortable feelings.

Here is a scene from fight club addressing this same issue in a very dramatic fashion.

www.youtu.be/TfDVLsBXYcM

[Blimblam]

One very valuable lesson I have taken from these boards and the wonderful support if this comunity is that it was not personal.  Once the behavior and story is de personalized the behavior itself becomes it's own entity so to speak. A pattern a cycle. A pervasive pattern that manifests throughout society. Once internalized in believe it

Must be Delt with or we will project it outward a or inwards neither of which is healthy. It becomes the game of hot potato. The ego does not want to accept this pain so it seeks ways to externalized it and the cycle of abuse continues. Staying with the pain is a gift to ones self and to others. Processing it to end the cycle of abuse.

[Ihope2]

Wise words here. I find that a lot of psychotherapists seem to focus on getting  beyond the pain much too quickly.

Staying with it and riding it out is far more productive in the end.  Just be with it for a while and do not desperately try to outrun it. 

I think psychotherapy is so short-term orientated because of cost factors and the fact that we live in a results driven society, where progress must happen quickly.  A lifetime of maladaptive patterns takes just that to happen - a lifetime.  So the pain that results is not just something that can be dealt with and set aside in a short space of time.

Of course the other side of it is that some people get so stuck in the pain, and become the eternal victim, nursing their pain and getting paralysed by it.

So staying with it, whilst trying to navigate through it and move forward with hope and a positive attitude seem to be what we must try to do.

[drummerboy]

My T didn't. I asked her about getting meds to ease the pain and she said 'No, feel that pain, sit with it, meds are just a band aid. You must feel them and process them"

Wise words here. I find that a lot of psychotherapists seem to focus on getting  beyond the pain much too quickly.

Staying with it and riding it out is far more productive in the end.  Just be with it for a while and do not desperately try to outrun it. 

[Blimblam]

My T didn't. I asked her about getting meds to ease the pain and she said 'No, feel that pain, sit with it, meds are just a band aid. You must feel them and process them"

Wise words here. I find that a lot of psychotherapists seem to focus on getting  beyond the pain much too quickly.

Staying with it and riding it out is far more productive in the end.  Just be with it for a while and do not desperately try to outrun it. 

I like you t's approach. As difficult as it is when I am able to I just let the feelings be.  There always seems to be periods of struggle. I have been struggling lately.  When I surrender to the feeling and just let it be it just is what it is. It is uncomfortable. The putting a positive or negative spin on it is more of a coping mechanism I have found in my case stories I tell myself which are not really true.  They are more of beliefs I convince myself of which is what got me into this mess in the first place.  I find imposing any sort if structure into it seems to be at times counterproductive towards processing it.  I have sort of been running away from dealing with it this past week. 

[drummerboy]

What has really helped me lately is I have started to totally understand that we are all on our own paths and that our ex is on their own path. It is theirs to walk alone. That you can't carry someones baggage for them, they have to decide which baggage to let go of (by getting help) and they can only do that in their own time. That by trying to "help" them we are actually just prolonging it for them. We have to "let them go" for our sake and for their sake. The other thing which helps lately is when I step back from the giddy idealisation phase and take a big picture view of the relationship, in my case, my ex's life was a constant crisis.There was no R&R, always a fire to be extinguished and as soon as one fire was extinguished 3 new ones erupted. I actually feel very sorry for her because to live like that must be so tiring. I have done what my T said, I didn't run away from the pain, and there comes a point when the brain says "enough already" it's a slow process though. My relationship was only 4-5 months and its six months since we separated. I've said elsewhere, its been like a long night, but now the first rays of light are starting to stream in through the window and a new day beckons.

My T didn't. I asked her about getting meds to ease the pain and she said 'No, feel that pain, sit with it, meds are just a band aid. You must feel them and process them"

Wise words here. I find that a lot of psychotherapists seem to focus on getting  beyond the pain much too quickly.

Staying with it and riding it out is far more productive in the end.  Just be with it for a while and do not desperately try to outrun it. 

I like you t's approach. As difficult as it is when I am able to I just let the feelings be.  There always seems to be periods of struggle. I have been struggling lately.  When I surrender to the feeling and just let it be it just is what it is. It is uncomfortable. The putting a positive or negative spin on it is more of a coping mechanism I have found in my case stories I tell myself which are not really true.  They are more of beliefs I convince myself of which is what got me into this mess in the first place.  I find imposing any sort if structure into it seems to be at times counterproductive towards processing it.  I have sort of been running away from dealing with it this past week. 

[Blimblam]

Lately I have been really struggling with my meditation practice.  Processing what is in the gut it just overwhelms me and I have to stop after 15 mins or so. My meditations dropped from about 45 hours a week to maybe 10 and not very good quality. Just now I realized if I send the energy to my heart the heart processes it.  This makes sense because before I had just been focusing on my chest.  This is a new style of meditation but I'm once again making process.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Blimblam, You seem to subscribe to the adage, "Lean into the sharp edges," which is a positive thing, in my view.  If I may make a suggestion, it would be to avoid labeling your meditation practice as recently being of "low quality" as such a judgment strikes me as antithetical to the spirit of Zen.  It's OK to meditate less if that's what is in your heart.  Just my 2 cents!  Hang in there and remember, "Wherever you go there you are"!  LuckyJim

[KHC_33]

This is a really good post. I have been semi dealing with a lot of issues lately esp with health. I started to pick little at www.amazon.co.uk/Mind-Body-Prescription-John-Sarno/dp/0446675156

I have had so many health and pain (I believe it could be triggered thru very traumatic experiences) If anything it can do things to your body ... .can't it do things to your mind as well?

I am not a very angry person. In fact I never get angry. Rarely... .or do I? Now when I started to think about this I realized maybe I do get angry but I shove it in my stomach and just internalize it all. So again I do get angry but I just don't let it surface or react on it but doesn't mean I don't feel it. Because I do.

I wrote everything down that could or would make me angry and I wrote a letter to each one of them. I find writing really helps.

I know it is difficult esp when you are in such an emotional state. Pain is the worse. Whether it is physical or emotional. It is all very real and very powerful. It is how you manage it and bring your body back to balance. My downfall lately has been pain and fear. So much fear that I have dropped from 130 lbs to 112 in a month. I have been to hospital. I am now starting homoeopathic and I have been to a nutritionist. Some of the remedies work to help but if I let fear get in the way of everything it is almost like you are crippled. Same with pain.

I will give you an example of one thing I put down.

Angry - when I have to convince people about my life, choices and my feelings. I have a family who are very strong christians which is wonderful but I am not at the point in my life right now. This person has me questioning everything. My life, my relationship, everything to the last detail making me SO angry and afraid. However this one person is not working, he is depressed and his wife has told me things. He doesn't let on.

I wrote to myself: People try to make others their projects or their little homework or their fix it hobby. People feel good when they have a force, a direct say, power, or control. Cut all ties with emotionally charged people who aren't sensitive to where you are. You do not owe anything to them. You don't have to meet their expectations or what they do or want or think you should do. It's not their call. Its yours. People interject because they feel depressed or their sense of purpose is lost of who they are as a person. you become their sense of direction.

I hope this helps.

[Blimblam]

Hey Blimblam, You seem to subscribe to the adage, "Lean into the sharp edges," which is a positive thing, in my view.  If I may make a suggestion, it would be to avoid labeling your meditation practice as recently being of "low quality" as such a judgment strikes me as antithetical to the spirit of Zen.  It's OK to meditate less if that's what is in your heart.  Just my 2 cents!  Hang in there and remember, "Wherever you go there you are"!  LuckyJim

What happened happened because something needed to change in my approach. It was a new period of struggle and it still is.  It felt like I had hit a plataue or wall in myself. I now incorporate breath focus into the practice. 

I begin by getting emotional and focussing on the discomfort in my gut. I then engage that as I breath in and as a breath out send that energy to my heart. 

In my experience it is best to describe meditation in very plain mundane language.  The vast majority of people I hVe met in my life that discussed meditation with think of it of focusing on bliss and mystical experiences and they are missin the point of just being. 

Actually i like how I first framed it which is feeling my feels.  Last week I was out if touch with my feelings. 

[Blimblam]

This is a really good post. I have been semi dealing with a lot of issues lately esp with health. I started to pick little at www.amazon.co.uk/Mind-Body-Prescription-John-Sarno/dp/0446675156

I have had so many health and pain (I believe it could be triggered thru very traumatic experiences) If anything it can do things to your body ... .can't it do things to your mind as well?

I am not a very angry person. In fact I never get angry. Rarely... .or do I? Now when I started to think about this I realized maybe I do get angry but I shove it in my stomach and just internalize it all. So again I do get angry but I just don't let it surface or react on it but doesn't mean I don't feel it. Because I do.

I wrote everything down that could or would make me angry and I wrote a letter to each one of them. I find writing really helps.

I know it is difficult esp when you are in such an emotional state. Pain is the worse. Whether it is physical or emotional. It is all very real and very powerful. It is how you manage it and bring your body back to balance. My downfall lately has been pain and fear. So much fear that I have dropped from 130 lbs to 112 in a month. I have been to hospital. I am now starting homoeopathic and I have been to a nutritionist. Some of the remedies work to help but if I let fear get in the way of everything it is almost like you are crippled. Same with pain.

I will give you an example of one thing I put down.

Angry - when I have to convince people about my life, choices and my feelings. I have a family who are very strong christians which is wonderful but I am not at the point in my life right now. This person has me questioning everything. My life, my relationship, everything to the last detail making me SO angry and afraid. However this one person is not working, he is depressed and his wife has told me things. He doesn't let on.

I wrote to myself: People try to make others their projects or their little homework or their fix it hobby. People feel good when they have a force, a direct say, power, or control. Cut all ties with emotionally charged people who aren't sensitive to where you are. You do not owe anything to them. You don't have to meet their expectations or what they do or want or think you should do. It's not their call. Its yours. People interject because they feel depressed or their sense of purpose is lost of who they are as a person. you become their sense of direction.

I hope this helps.

Thank you for sharing with me.  And yes it does help. It has been my experience that people project their own punitive parent on me seeing me in despair as if that helps.  That same energy exists within myself to. The guiding light in all this mess is compassion.  I say let go of faith but hold into compassion.  I highly recommend feeling your feelings or meditating what ever you want to call it.  Just feel what's there.

Thanks