I was doing so well And I'm back on here?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I posted here in 2013 early explaining my situation, and then November last year I started feeling better... and ex moved across world to be with her new fella. I was doing so well not concerned byut she's recently back and I have also started UNI where I used to go when the last few months of it i had meltdown... I took year out of college last year to focus on myself and go back to domy final year and now the rumination is happening.

I'm paranoid and concerned she will hrut herself cos she took her year out after college when we broke up and I said horrible things back before I knew the illness. she then went on her 1year holiday and now shes home back in college and Im afraid shes gna trigger under styress. Because thats what happened when we broke up cos her UNI.

Also I walked into my own UNI and 1st day i had panic attack cos i had flashbacks of me finishing up and how lost and unconnected I was back then and i had tears in eyes and all emotions came at me at once and i couldnt breath.

It's all consuming my thoughts again.

It's not as bad as I was after break up, that was horrific mental pain, but it feels like I'm focusing on it again and I went back into UNI today and trying get through it but in lectures I daze away thinking of it all.

I posted here many months back saying how great I felt thanking this board and now I'm back?

But I also have anger as she is in clubs in same town now and all her mates believe loads of smear campaign and I just don't want go anymore. i just wana shout the truth, but it's my style of music, she just goes with her new fella cos he likes it too. So i want to go, irnoically enough she at end relationship used say she doesn't like that music. But i just don;t think i can go cos i've kept my mouth closed on truth when people i know asking bout her in bad way when she gone, but when i go to club I know ___ will happen and i'm afriad of just tellign everyone the truth

[Johan]

I posted here in 2013 early explaining my situation, and then November last year I started feeling better... and ex moved across world to be with her new fella. I was doing so well not concerned byut she's recently back and I have also started UNI where I used to go when the last few months of it i had meltdown... I took year out of college last year to focus on myself and go back to domy final year and now the rumination is happening.

I'm paranoid and concerned she will hrut herself cos she took her year out after college when we broke up and I said horrible things back before I knew the illness. she then went on her 1year holiday and now shes home back in college and Im afraid shes gna trigger under styress. Because thats what happened when we broke up cos her UNI.

Also I walked into my own UNI and 1st day i had panic attack cos i had flashbacks of me finishing up and how lost and unconnected I was back then and i had tears in eyes and all emotions came at me at once and i couldnt breath.

It's all consuming my thoughts again.

It's not as bad as I was after break up, that was horrific mental pain, but it feels like I'm focusing on it again and I went back into UNI today and trying get through it but in lectures I daze away thinking of it all.

I posted here many months back saying how great I felt thanking this board and now I'm back?

But I also have anger as she is in clubs in same town now and all her mates believe loads of smear campaign and I just don't want go anymore. i just wana shout the truth, but it's my style of music, she just goes with her new fella cos he likes it too. So i want to go, irnoically enough she at end relationship used say she doesn't like that music. But i just don;t think i can go cos i've kept my mouth closed on truth when people i know asking bout her in bad way when she gone, but when i go to club I know ___ will happen and i'm afriad of just tellign everyone the truth

[LettingGo14]

I posted here many months back saying how great I felt thanking this board and now I'm back?

Well, my friend, we start where we are.  And, we can always begin again.  Each moment is a new opportunity to do so  Even if it takes a billion starts and re-starts.

I am sorry you are suffering again.

The trauma from our relationships may sometimes be likened to post-traumatic stress disorder ("PTSD".  Have you taken advantage of any university-sponsored counseling?   Do you have a therapist?

Triggers are real, but can be addressed.  What are the things you want to address now?  Rumination?  Stress?  Grief?

[Johan]

My temples are just pounding from thoughts in head. I just want it to stop.

I went to University councilor last year and I didn't feel like she was much clued up on what I was on about. Didn't feel like I getting anything from it.

I have such anger to tell people truth, but at same time I trying to depersonalize it cos I knwo she's not well as the last time I seen her alone in club, she looked like frightened rabbit in headlights, and she stared straight and bolted, we were both alone in coridoor. And it scared me to see her like that.

But like I know at same time shes completely smear campaigning me still as there are some mutual friends, and i don;t want to go club, i actually don;t know.

I don't want to her at all, there is no hope. It's just anger and pity for her. Pity probably wrong word.

I'm just angry when I thought I doing fine, and I'm angry at her parents more so. I went out with her and I was told bit but I pleaded on breakup to please let me talk to your father if you can;t my head is not well. And i begged. I was told i was skitzo.

I think it's just anger over being triggered and it effecting my studies as I tried after year out, and also and feeling humiliated and lied about, and can't attend a club where all know both of us too without feeling how unfair it all is. Hard explain.  

Sometimes i just think in my head i want this to stop, i just want this to stop, the thinking and pain. And feel like crying in class cos I can't concentrate.

I told my doctor who was concerned about me last year as relative told them she was anxious abotu me after breakup, they thought i needed be signed in cos how out of touch with reality i was. i told him this week what happened, and he prescribed me xanax. i told him bit what he went through, he knows me since baby, so I told him i cant explain panic set in when went back into uni, i cant explain the feelings, too difficult explain. i tried but it's hard try tell people the pain.

Sorry, that was a rant, just had get it off chest.

[LettingGo14]

For what it's worth, here are some thoughts:

My temples are just pounding from thoughts in head. I just want it to stop.

Ok -- so this is rumination.   Here's a workshop:  TOOLS: Dealing with ruminations

I went to University councilor last year and I didn't feel like she was much clued up on what I was on about. Didn't feel like I getting anything from it.

Would it be worth trying again?  With another counselor?   Perhaps you can focus on PTSD?

I'm just angry when I thought I doing fine, and I'm angry at her parents more so. I went out with her and I was told bit but I pleaded on breakup to please let me talk to your father if you can;t my head is not well. And i begged. I was told i was skitzo.

I think it's just anger over being triggered and it effecting my studies as I tried after year out, and also and feeling humiliated and lied about, and can't attend a club where all know both of us too without feeling how unfair it all is. Hard explain.  

You cite anger.  What is the trigger for anger?  What is it telling you?  For these purposes, focus on your emotion and not where she is.  Here's a workshop:  SELF-AWARE: Has the anger gone too far?

Sometimes i just think in my head i want this to stop, i just want this to stop, the thinking and pain. And feel like crying in class cos I can't concentrate.

I told my doctor who was concerned about me last year as relative told them she was anxious abotu me after breakup, they thought i needed be signed in cos how out of touch with reality i was. i told him this week what happened, and he prescribed me xanax. i told him bit what he went through, he knows me since baby, so I told him i cant explain panic set in when went back into uni, i cant explain the feelings, too difficult explain. i tried but it's hard try tell people the pain.

Sorry, that was a rant, just had get it off chest.

You are telling us about your pain.  It is not impossible, right?  Yes, it's hard.  But, at this time, perhaps you can begin a couple lists.  First, make a list of triggers.  Second, make a list of emotions you feel.   Then, step back and recognize that emotions and thoughts are within us, and we do have some ability -- WITH PRACTICE -- to "hold" and "manage" thoughts and emotions.

Pain is merely a messenger.  We can ask, "What is this telling me?"  We don't have to have immediate answers, but recognition and awareness help us.