Letting go of the anger

[trees]

So I just finished reading Understanding the Borderline Mother and it triggered a lot of painful childhood memories for me -- the time my mom gave away my beloved childhood dog without telling me (and lied about all day), the constant yelling, the belittling, the threats to dump me at a mental institution or on the side of a road that started when I seven or eight, the reading of my diary and yelling and me for writing a letter to god when I was nine asking for help to make me good so that my parents would love me. The "turn."

And I can feel the anger and resentment and the hurt welling inside me toward my uBPD mom. And at my enmeshed dad who would tell me just to take it and not say anything because that's how "mom is."

So how do I let the anger go?

I've found some tools that are working for me for dealing with warpy thoughts and my self esteem issues but I have no idea how to deal with my anger and hurt for what happened in the past. Talking about it doesn't seem to really help me, neither does writing or thinking about it. I just end up feeling like I'm picking at a scab over and over.

I can't forget about it. I don't know how to forgive them.

What works for you?

[Harri]

Hi trees.  I love your name.  It reminds me of the artist Bob Ross and his painting and talking of "happy little trees"!  He is like the adult version of Mr. Rogers but with art thrown in.   

I am sorry you had to experience such hurtful behaviors and your father failed you as well.  It hurts when it happens and it hurts when we reflect back.  Understanding the borderline Mother is a tough and emotional read.  I have been going through it for a second time now and it is not any easier.  It is good that you can feel the anger though. 

anyway, about dealing with anger.  You can try throwing ice cubes against a wall, or hitting a punching bag if you have one.  My therapist used to tell me to scream into a pillow.  I know a friend who used to try to tear up phone books, though I am not sure people actually have those anymore!  How about drawing?  Lately I have been listening to a lot of heavy metal music while driving... .though I have to be careful of speeding.     Some people do well with meditation.  I need more action when dealing with anger.  See what works for you.

You are right that you can't forget about it.  Well, you can, but it will eat away at you.  All you can do is deal with whatever emotion comes up, identify it, sit with it without judgement and let it go.  Try some of the things I mentioned to help let go of the anger.  Throw ice until you are too exhausted to even lift a dinky little ice cube or draw until your hand cramps or hit a punching bag until you can no longer lift your arms.  It is almost guaranteed you will sleep well that night at least!

I don't think there will ever come a time of "no anger" for me.  So all I can do is notice it, let it rise up within me and then release it. 

[trees]

Thank you Harri! I picked the name because woods/forests have always been my happy place (and almost all the art in my house are pics of trees). Plus I figured it was vague enough that in the off-chance that my mom found her way to this board, she'd never figure out it was me. Yeah, I know, a little paranoid... .

Thank you for your suggestions; def. going to give them a shot-- I even have some old phone books collecting dust.

All you can do is deal with whatever emotion comes up, identify it, sit with it without judgement and let it go.

This is a really good point too. I def. have a hard time with anger b/c my mom was a Witch (and to a lesser extent, a Queen.) So much of her was fueled by rage and so much of me is driven by a need to be the opposite of my mom. Anger just feels so uncomfortable to me; I think part of it is that I'm afraid that I'll turn into my mom, that the rage will just consume me. And a bigger part of me is afraid that I am my mom and I just don't know it. 

[Harri]

Hi trees!  I get the whole feeling paranoid bit.  I wrote a post yesterday that had me looking over my shoulder for my mother... .and she has been dead for almost 8 years!  I get it. 

Anger is scary and uncomfortable.  I understand the want to be the opposite of your mother too.  Here is something to think about though.  A lady I knew once told me that the complete opposite of something bad is just as bad or disordered.  I have yet to find one instance where that is not true when it comes to emotions especially anger.  You are not your mother and you wont turn into your mom if you express anger.  But you will have issues with anger if you keep too tight a lid on it and it will come out eventually. 

Think of feeling and expressing anger as a flea collar of sorts.   

[HappyChappy]

It does sound like things are pretty challenging for you currently. The thinking about it all the time, is called rumination. Mindfulness and other meditation are often recommended for this.

Harri has an impressive array of anger release options which do sound good. But it does sound like you might want to bring in the big guns initially and get a Therapist. They also have various techniques to help. I found teenage angst music helped,  but in the early days many of the techniques just weren't strong enough.  There’s no reason why you won’t recover, but it does take time. A T may well speed that up. 

[Indie]

Hi trees,  my jaw dropped when I read your post.  My uBPDm also gave away my dog when I was in 5th grade.  I came home from school one day and Tippy was gone.  No explanation no nothing.  Crushing.  Many years later, she blamed it on my dead father who of course could not counter the claim.  She is 92.  I have not forgiven that, doubt I will.  I am NC, finally, to save my own health.

They say depression is anger turned inward.  I don't know if it is really.   If it is, then I have been turning mine inward.   If you are not depressed, having focused, outward anger might be something to be grateful for?  I like all the suggestions given here including T and throwing things (just make sure they don't hit anyone or bounce back to you!).  I've only done T and meds along with some alternatives such as energy work, and aerobic exercise seems to help too.

As Harri said, I believe there is truth to polar opposites being much more the same rather than opposites.   Spiritually, that fits with my sense of things on this earth.   Zooming out further, we might also embrace the idea that there is a little BPD in everyone.  The difference is how we come to behave, how we come to accept and acknowledge and overcome.  Things to muse about.

Btw, today, I own a thriving dog business, dedicated to the physical and emotional health of dogs, using only positive reinforcement training and species specific enrichment :-)

[yogibear60]

Hi trees:

LOL, I have a post just above yours with some of the same things you are dealing with but mostly letting go of the anger.  I am thinking that the fact we are both here seeking some rest from "the mad' or even rage that I sometimes feel is a good thing.  I tend to isolate myself when I get this way and clearly that is not a good thing.  My anger comes and goes.  If I can keep myself busy I find my head is not self absorbed.  I worry too about becoming my mother.  I understand Intellectually  the cycle of grief and I have known for years that something was wrong with my relationship but facing the reality has been harder than what I expected.  You are not alone in your travels 

[trees]

Giving away my dog is the only thing my mom has ever truly apologize to me about and one of the only things she has ever admitted (albeit 20+ yrs later) was wrong.

Everything else-- it's deny, deny, deny and telling me that I'm sick/twisted, making it all up and that I was a super difficult child and how hard her life was because of me. She used to tell me that I was the reason she was fat/didn't sleep/wasn't happy. That she wished she never had kids. That she had a miscarriage before me & if she hadn't, I wouldn't be here. That her life would be so much easier without me in it. Pretty much every difficulty/issue/problem she had was somehow my fault.

These aren't things that I think about all the time. They percolate up from time to time & all came rushing back since I read the book, which prob. means I've never dealt with my anger or hurt in a constructive way. And I want to let it out & let it go because I know it's just going to fester under the surface.

As an adult, I know intellectually what she told me is completely ridiculous and untrue. I know I am not to blame for her misery/self-loathing. Anytime she repeats her venom now, it may annoy or frustrate me temporarily, but it doesn't wound me like the stuff from my childhood.

A lady I knew once told me that the complete opposite of something bad is just as bad or disordered.

I believe there is truth to polar opposites being much more the same rather than opposites

Harri & Indie-- I really appreciate your posts on the opposite point-- I never really thought of it that way. I think that may really help me in not judging myself for being angry.

[gentlestguardian]

Trees,

I can sympathize a lot with your anger. I've been asking myself the same questions: how can I move past this? How do I constructively deal with the anger and let it go? The only answer I can give myself is that I'm not ready to be done being angry yet, and I'm not ready to let it go. I've got a lifetime of angry memories and thoughts to process that I never allowed myself to entertain as I grew so it only makes sense that the anger won't go away in a day or two. Memories I've repressed pop up almost daily now and just stoke the embers.

I think what's the worst about the anger is that it isn't the kind of anger we can get definite resolution for. It's not like our BPDm is just going to roll over, see the light, and acknowledge the pain she caused us. Often that's what makes anger dissipate, right? The instigator's acknowledgment that they've done something wrong and their yielding to our pain; in other words, justice. And maybe that's at the bottom of what's so infuriating about the memories of our confusing childhoods - that those kids we used to be aren't ever going to see the justice they deserve.

Sorry I can't be more uplifting. Writing about the anger just seems to fuel it even more lately. I do hope you find some outlet for yours.

[trees]

HappyChappy-- Yes, I need therapy. I'm doing on-line CBT, but I agree that a therapist will help me loads too. Thank you for the gentle reminder.   I have looked up therapists & need to pluck up the courage to set up an apt.

Yogibear60-- Thank you for making me feel not so alone and isolated; believe it or not, that really helps in and of itself. But I am sorry that you are dealing with the anger too. The reminder to keep busy is a good one; when I'm not is when I tend to get stuck in my head & the past.

Gentlesguardian-- You are so right-- so much of the anger would just disappear if our moms would acknowledge what they did to us. I think for me, the confusion is also part of why dealing with the past events are so much harder than the present -- because my feelings weren't validated then. A tiny part of me still holds onto the hope that she'll change, that she'll realize all the harm she's caused to me & my sibling. But since hell is going to freeze over first, I want to come to peace with my anger on my own.

[yogibear60]

Been thinking a lot today.  I believe that one of the ways that I can start leaving the anger behind is to break it down into smaller bits.  Tomorrow I begin a letter to my mother.  A journal of sorts.  I plan to give myself permission to rant and rave at her for her behavior.  I can ramble, jump around, from childhood to adulthood and back again if I want.  Write until I am bored or get tired and than stop.  The plan is to see if I allow a "power surge of anger come through without the FOG I can put it away for the day. 

[Ziggiddy]

trees would it be possible to just feel the anger without doing anything? Without trying to deal with it or express it or keep busy to divert from it? Would it be possible to just 'be' with it? Maybe even personalise it?

Maybe like "Hello Anger. I know you're here again. you keep coming round because you have something to sayto me. I  acknowledge you. You kept me safe and whole and I am grateful for your protection - you ensured my survival. i don't know what to do do with you so maybe we can just bide here for a spell. Just sit here together for however long. And you can stay as long as you like and go whenever you're ready"

And maybe by not fearing or being angry at your anger you might learn what it has to say to you?

Just a thought

Zig

[trees]

would it be possible to just feel the anger without doing anything? Without trying to deal with it or express it or keep busy to divert from it? Would it be possible to just 'be' with it? Maybe even personalise it?

That is an excellent suggestion. Indie's & Harri's posts really were eye-opening for me as to how trying to be so opposite of my mom isn't going to make me a healthy person. To pretend that I'm not angry won't make the anger go away. And anger isn't always bad and to feel it doesn't make me a bad person. I need to get that out of my head b/c to me on a subconscious level, anger = rage = bad and that doesn't have to be the case.

As long as I stay afraid of anger, afraid of expressing it, afraid of feeling it, afraid of having it directed at me, it's going to keep eating at me & keep bubbling out from time to time when I experience triggers of childhood stuff. I need to deal with it & let it out and move on from it.

I also had an interesting chat this weekend with my massage therapist who I see 1x a month for my migraines. When I first started seeing him, he taught me how to do abdominal breathing (I'm a chest breather). I started clenching up at one point & he reminded me to breath through my abdomen & instantly, I started to relax. He made a comment how chest breathing is linked to the flight or fight impulse.

Right now, the anger is gone but if I feel myself getting angry again, I'm going to focus on the breathing exercises and nothing else & see what happens.