Moved out

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Tonight is the first night I sleep in my new home. I am all by myself until the kids join me in our agreed schedule in the weekend.

I asked for the separation. Our relationship is dysfunctional. This has been a long standing problem. Our love have long fizzled. We have little real communication. What is left are endless arguments, unhappiness and distrust among us. I know I do not want to be with her anymore for a long time. The only surprise is I have stuck with her for such a long time. I was too good in hiding my dissatisfaction. When I told her I am leaving, it blindsided her. It started our two month effort to "rescue" our marriage, with me mainly stand by to watch and expect no real changes. Every signal tells me it do not work. I wanted to be free. And here I am free at last.

Sadness strike as the moving date approaches. She has changed. In an earnest effort to keep me from leaving, she realized she love me after all. Instead of the usual contempt, she values me now. Instead of blow up over disagreement, she now apply her greatest restraint to accommodates me. How can I not moved by her heroic effort? Yet deep down my rational self stopped me from going back. The unnecessary and hurtful arguments all these years, her negative and distrusting instinct, and that we consistently fail to agree on matters however trivial they are. I just do not believe she can change herself fundamentally overnight. To her great frustration, I said despite all this I believe we will only go back to the old way. I just know it.

She kissed me wholeheartedly. Something she has not initiated for a long time. I told her I appreciate her. But I will not reciprocate right now because it sends a confusing message. I have hold back myself not to kiss her and embrace her. How good that would have felt. I remember that feeling from long time ago.

Packing is hard to do. As I go through the stuff I saw fragments of out life return. There are happy moments. We were so young then. 15 years of our life go in vain. No, we have our two lovely children. And they will be our focus from now on. But it was such a lost. Why couldn't we be a normal couple, who share a simple life and raise a family together? I know such life is impossible with BPD. Separation is a difficult choice. But to stay the same way would have destroy myself and end my future.

As much as I feel sad right now, I know it is ten times harder on her. It pains me knowing I am powerless to do anything for her. Even this feeling is sad, I want to experience this sadness fully in these days. I know even doing daily chore like busily stocking the new home would take my attention and wash some feeling away. For better or worst, I have made a major decision that changes the direction of my life. And this is the moment I am living right now.

[half-life]

Tonight is the first night I sleep in my new home. I am all by myself until the kids join me in our agreed schedule in the weekend.

I asked for the separation. Our relationship is dysfunctional. This has been a long standing problem. Our love have long fizzled. We have little real communication. What is left are endless arguments, unhappiness and distrust among us. I know I do not want to be with her anymore for a long time. The only surprise is I have stuck with her for such a long time. I was too good in hiding my dissatisfaction. When I told her I am leaving, it blindsided her. It started our two month effort to "rescue" our marriage, with me mainly stand by to watch and expect no real changes. Every signal tells me it do not work. I wanted to be free. And here I am free at last.

Sadness strike as the moving date approaches. She has changed. In an earnest effort to keep me from leaving, she realized she love me after all. Instead of the usual contempt, she values me now. Instead of blow up over disagreement, she now apply her greatest restraint to accommodates me. How can I not moved by her heroic effort? Yet deep down my rational self stopped me from going back. The unnecessary and hurtful arguments all these years, her negative and distrusting instinct, and that we consistently fail to agree on matters however trivial they are. I just do not believe she can change herself fundamentally overnight. To her great frustration, I said despite all this I believe we will only go back to the old way. I just know it.

She kissed me wholeheartedly. Something she has not initiated for a long time. I told her I appreciate her. But I will not reciprocate right now because it sends a confusing message. I have hold back myself not to kiss her and embrace her. How good that would have felt. I remember that feeling from long time ago.

Packing is hard to do. As I go through the stuff I saw fragments of out life return. There are happy moments. We were so young then. 15 years of our life go in vain. No, we have our two lovely children. And they will be our focus from now on. But it was such a lost. Why couldn't we be a normal couple, who share a simple life and raise a family together? I know such life is impossible with BPD. Separation is a difficult choice. But to stay the same way would have destroy myself and end my future.

As much as I feel sad right now, I know it is ten times harder on her. It pains me knowing I am powerless to do anything for her. Even this feeling is sad, I want to experience this sadness fully in these days. I know even doing daily chore like busily stocking the new home would take my attention and wash some feeling away. For better or worst, I have made a major decision that changes the direction of my life. And this is the moment I am living right now.

[outside9x]

Hi Half-Life,

This must be so very very hard.  My heart goes out to you.  Yes, treated you like crap, find fault with everything and make it a big deal, shun you, digusted by you, and then, when you finally can't take the beating , and feeling pain, you decide this is not life, not love, no way to live.  As you march out, they feel that hole, and then realize how empty that is for them, and then want you back so so badly, and will apologize say anything, and do most anything to get you back again, but I am sure, like me, this has happenned too may times.

Once back, at least for me, it's a honey moon for a week or two, and because they are BPD, they just can't help it and slowly it starts again, and in fact they feel worst since they think you left them and in their mind , without good cause because they can not deal with the blame on their side. 

So, not sure what to say, but it seems all so normal the process we go through with them .  It's hard, like you say since you want them but want the person, I am afraid, they can never be.  Sure, normal couples have their fights, arguements etc, but this is different.  The scorn you felt and the treatment had to be bad. 

Good luck with your decsion.  I think what you need to relfect on is you wouldn't be at this point had this not been a continous thing , a repeated act of sabotage by her and we all know in our mind and heart they  do seek love, but their personality cannot withstand the feelings they have of being betrayed, ignore or feelign unloved, even though it's not true.  It is never enough you can do to show them. 

Maybe they'll learn, Maybe!  Again, all my wishes to you and be strong, either way, and you will make the right decision in the end.  PEACE!

[half-life]

It is already been two weeks after I have moved out. This is a check in with myself.

In face of our break up, the situation has turned out to be remarkably calm. She has behaved very co-operatively and controlled. We are both determined to minimize the impact on our young children. She still take the kids to school during weekdays. And they come over to stay with me during the weekend. We were actually spending plenty of "family" time together during Sunday. Perhaps because we are so peaceful with each other, the kids are not behaving in any concerning way.

The one issue is S3 asks to go "home" multiple times while staying me, even though he was having fun most of the time. I suggest he is not yet comfortable with his another home. We are both sensitive to the kid's feeling and want to avoid forcing thing on them. For now I do my best to distract him and get him fun things to do, hoping that he will get used to his new home soon.

She attitude toward me has been the best in a very long time. She is courteous, care a good deal about my preference and feeling and work with me on the care of the children. This really reaffirm my observation of her. She rages and leashes out on her husband and close family members, yet she is extraordinary courteous outsiders and non family member. Now that I have moved from "husband" to the outsiders group, I am finally treated with respect I deserve.

My days are rather lonely. I have no close friends. I can't find anyone knows and care enough about me I am comfortable to confide my situation to. I have never been very social. Right now I interact with people at work but seldom talk about my personal details. I don't know if I will make more friends or become less isolated over time. The truth is I have been with my wife for 15 years and she is the one person who knows me most. As the same time I know we are at a dead end and I must break free from our toxic relationship, even if this leaves me a lonely and isolated.

Prior to our break up, I have received another blow. I was nearly fired from my job due to my poor performance. I blame no one but myself. It is a competitive work place and I have not worked hard enough to keep up. I am spared for now. But there is always this sword hanging over my head. If I am fired, there will not only be great financial lost but also a big blow to my self esteem. I am keeping this to myself, never mentioned to my wife as it will only do more harm than good. All these years I have to hide my difficulty from her because she is just going to freak out and overreact.

I think of myself as an optimistic and resilient person. But this is really a trying time for me.