This Different pain of a relationship ending

[In Pain]

Why does it seem that the pain of a BPD relationship ending is WORSE that a regular relationship ending ?

Am I alone in this thinking ?

They both hurt but I guess one of the confusing aspects of these relationships ending is the reasons for its ending.

Normal: you can't commit, you don't want children, we just don't get along any more, we've grown apart. I love you, but we're not good anymore. Take care.

These are issues I can wrap my head around and can address personally and logically.

BPD: just gone... .

Why, where, who... .what the f--k happened !

I cannot totally digest these issues. No matter how many times I read and reread the same articles, I fully understand the concepts, but it makes NO sense.

I want her... .But I KNOW it is wrong and will NEVER be better.

But I still want her.

Just frustrated.

Normal brain in an abnormal world

[fred6]

Why does it seem that the pain of a BPD relationship ending is WORSE that a regular relationship ending ?

Am I alone in this thinking ?

They both hurt but I guess one of the confusing aspects of these relationships ending is the reasons for its ending.

Normal: you can't commit, you don't want children, we just don't get along any more, we've grown apart. I love you, but we're not good anymore. Take care.

These are issues I can wrap my head around and can address personally and logically.

BPD: just gone... .

Why, where, who... .what the f--k happened !

I cannot totally digest these issues. No matter how many times I read and reread the same articles, I fully understand the concepts, but it makes NO sense.

I want her... .But I KNOW it is wrong and will NEVER be better.

But I still want her.

Just frustrated.

Normal brain in an abnormal world

I'm sitting right her with you In Pain. Trying to make sense of non sense is absolute misery in these situations.

[drummerboy]

I know exactly what you mean and I think about this a lot too. 6 months now and it is the hardest breakup I've ever had. I think it's because they present themselves as the most perfect partner ever in the idealisation phase. It's only when you start to realise that the person we fell in love with never actually existed that it makes sense. They are like vapourware. Software that promises so much but doesn't exist.

[fred6]

6 months now and it is the hardest breakup I've ever had.

Hardest breakup? Hell, it's the hardest thing I've ever dealt with period. Not relationship wise, ever in life.

[Blimblam]

Yes this kind of pain is enough to drive one mad.  It hurts much much worst than a normal break up.  You are not alone. It is normal to look outside ones self for answers and validation in these times. At the same time only people that have experienced a break up with a borderline trully have a grasp on what you are experiencing. So be wary if the advice and judgments of others. You may have been conditioned to be very self critical which is one of the great obstacles after a relationship like this. Do your best to be gentle with yourself and create the space you need for your self to heal.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

[Blimblam]

6 months now and it is the hardest breakup I've ever had.

Hardest breakup? Hell, it's the hardest thing I've ever dealt with period. Not relationship wise, ever in life.

Agreed

[KeepOnGoing]

I know exactly what you mean and I think about this a lot too. 6 months now and it is the hardest breakup I've ever had. I think it's because they present themselves as the most perfect partner ever in the idealisation phase. It's only when you start to realise that the person we fell in love with never actually existed that it makes sense. They are like vapourware. Software that promises so much but doesn't exist.

Well then who DID I fall in love with? Missing her today. Want to cyber stalk her today to feel like I have a connection. Want to call. Help!

[In Pain]

Between this board, reading on line, self help books, talking to friends and a small amount of stalking ( driving by her place )... .I am still in a relationship with a BPD... .But without the actual body !

Its odd !

[rockinne]

Do you love to be needed or need to be loved?  BPD folks are manipulators and their codependents allow themselves to be manipulated.  Do we miss the person or miss their control over us?  At least somebody was in control before.  Now we are alone and in control of ourselves and perhaps it feels a bit empty.  Miss the excitement of the chaos in the relationship.  The quiet and peacefulness are not as stimulating. It's lonelier now.  That fairy tale relationship that we dreamed would be will never be.  This is true whether we stay in the relationship or not.  Only difference is, escape from that toxic relationship and the manipulation and control are liberation.  Cherish it.  Be happy for the freedom.   That's what I think about when I am tempted consider the relationship. 

[In Pain]

I must admit, I looked forward to the nights that I didn't see my BPD GF.

Alone, quite, a break from waiting on her hand and foot... .No stress.

I truly enjoyed doing all I did for her, but the break was nice.

I used to say that the thing I didn't like about her was that I had to "babysit" her wherever we went. She was a handful.

Little did I know how insightful a statement that was.

[Ihope2]

With me, the intense, breath-stopping pain was a re-activation of long-dormant childhood wounds.

The pain of all the sh1t that happened in my family when I was a child, but stuff we were never allowed to voice, acknowledge, and work through in a healthy way.

I am addressing my childhood wounds properly now for the first time ever in my 45 years of life.  Have been out of my relationship to exBPDh for almost 6 months now and probably because the relationship was so short-lived (+/- 1 year), I do not grieve losing him as much as I grieve the loss of a healthy and secure childhood and young adulthood.

[kc sunshine]

Yes, I'm with you in this-- this breakup has been so tough and so confusing. There's also this that makes it so rough:

Normal: you can't commit, you don't want children, we just don't get along any more, we've grown apart. I love you, but we're not good anymore. Take care.

BPD: It is all your fault. You don't understand me, you are not listening to me, not validating me. Don't pretend like you are the victim here.

Why does it seem that the pain of a BPD relationship ending is WORSE that a regular relationship ending ?

Am I alone in this thinking ?

They both hurt but I guess one of the confusing aspects of these relationships ending is the reasons for its ending.

Normal: you can't commit, you don't want children, we just don't get along any more, we've grown apart. I love you, but we're not good anymore. Take care.

These are issues I can wrap my head around and can address personally and logically.

BPD: just gone... .


I want her... .But I KNOW it is wrong and will NEVER be better.

But I still want her.

[Popcorn71]

I must admit, I looked forward to the nights that I didn't see my BPD GF.

I used to look forward to nights when my xBPDh went out.  I always felt a bit guilty at wanting to be on my own and not wanting to be with him.  It wasn't a nice feeling to want my husband to go away for a while so I could handle being with him again when he came back.

[Emelie Emelie]

I'm with you Fred.

[Pets]

Why does it seem that the pain of a BPD relationship ending is WORSE that a regular relationship ending ?

Am I alone in this thinking ?

They both hurt but I guess one of the confusing aspects of these relationships ending is the reasons for its ending.

Normal: you can't commit, you don't want children, we just don't get along any more, we've grown apart. I love you, but we're not good anymore. Take care.

These are issues I can wrap my head around and can address personally and logically.

BPD: just gone... .

Why, where, who... .what the f--k happened !

I cannot totally digest these issues. No matter how many times I read and reread the same articles, I fully understand the concepts, but it makes NO sense.

I want her... .But I KNOW it is wrong and will NEVER be better.

But I still want her.

Just frustrated.

Normal brain in an abnormal world

No, you are not alone in your thinking.

I could have written your post myself, almost word for word.

Not being able to resolve the issues with "normal" reasoning or thinking is so confusing, painful, can make you feel very powerless.  And my God did I try to reason, analyze, support to stop the r/s from ending, and to make sense of whatever happened afterwards ... .

I think pwBPD can tend to draw you into their own confusion - my exbf didn't know himself what the problem was, other than his feelings for me were switching.  The bottom line is that it is not rational, and that's what maybe feels so unfair for us who are left behind.  For a long time after, I was stumbling around in the dark, until I found this site and other info on BPD, which helped to make a bit more sense and brought some comfort.

One of the things I found can be v isolating is the fact that the course of these relationships, as you say, doesn't follow any "logical" relationship rules or progression.  Therefore, when you try to explain to friends what happened, you know full well it is so hard for them to understand.  Black and white thinking - "he's a bad person, he treated you badly, move on".  I can see the sense, but I also saw the person behind the disorder, even if just glimpses of him, and I refuse to think that he is bad.

As far as still wanting the person goes, even though you pretty much know it's dysfunctional and it won't work - maybe we need to look at what it was in us and in the dynamics of the relationship that created such strong, powerful bonds?  Trauma?  Our own needs?  I think therapy is probably the best place for that - I see it as my only chance to move on properly without letting this wound become detrimental to my future.  But I guess there are many different ways of dealing with things, whatever feels right for you.

[HostNoMore]

I'm right at three years post relationship now and doing so much better.  I've learned so much from the experience that it was ALMOST worth the pain that I had to pay with to gain the knowledge of myself.

In retrospect, I spent nearly three weeks post the abrupt dump knowing there was something way different about this breakup, but I could not understand it.  Normal breakups stink, but breakups from a BPD relationship are off the scale.  I googled one of the sadistic things she did to me and came upon BPD.  After that discovery, I had an intellectual framework to build my recovery.  It's a tough thing to go through as you all know, but each passing day, week, month, and year takes you further and further away from the trauma.

I find it interesting that others in the thread stated that they enjoyed time away from their exBPD.  I did too.  For me it was the constant clinging only on her terms where she consumed all of my time that made me treasure any time away from her that I could find.  Red flag?  I asked her a few weeks before being dumped if she were able to spend time alone.  The answer was an emphatic "No".

Anyway fast forward three years, and my replacement has recently been replaced so who knows he may discover this wonderful internet community.  I hope he does as it would help him.  

[Pets]

I'm right at three years post relationship now and doing so much better.  I've learned so much from the experience that it was ALMOST worth the pain that I had to pay with to gain the knowledge of myself.

In retrospect, I spent nearly three weeks post the abrupt dump knowing there was something way different about this breakup, but I could not understand it.  Normal breakups stink, but breakups from a BPD relationship are off the scale.  I googled one of the sadistic things she did to me and came upon BPD.  After that discovery, I had an intellectual framework to build my recovery.  It's a tough thing to go through as you all know, but each passing day, week, month, and year takes you further and further away from the trauma.

Thanks.  That's encouraging to hear - it's the place I want to get to and it's good to know that that's possible.

Some days, it seems like it will never feel any better, despite all the knowledge that I am beginning to gain through reading about BPD and people's stories here.  It gives an intellectual framework, as you say, that encourages me to try not to personalize what happened as much, but somehow, that's not getting through to my wounded emotions yet.  Any tips?  Anything you found helpful on your journey?

Well done for persevering with it and not letting it beat you.

[drummerboy]

I'm 6 months out and doing ok most days. A book that's really helped me is "A General Theory of Love" it's not a self help book, it's actually quite scholarly. It talks a bit about attachment styles but the best bit is when it talks about how we imbed memories, that section helped me understand why a BPD r/s end is so much harder than a normal one.

My take on it is that whilst we think it's so hard with a BPDex, it's actually so hard because it causes us to ask some deep questions about ourselves. As another poster wrote, we split up from a normal and whilst it might be a bit messy there is usually some sort of understanding about why it can't go on but with a BPDex, who has no sense of self nor can ever actually process an emotion like an adult does, it's all just a roomful of question marks and the ridiculous idealisation stage is a bit like a sugar high. So much nonsense promised in the fog of infatuation. (Mine talked about having kids and changing her surname to mine after 2 weeks)

In the end it is about US. We emerge stronger, more complete but the journey to that point is harrowing. I liken it to being tested in battle and surviving.

Hugs to everyone.

I'm right at three years post relationship now and doing so much better.  I've learned so much from the experience that it was ALMOST worth the pain that I had to pay with to gain the knowledge of myself.

In retrospect, I spent nearly three weeks post the abrupt dump knowing there was something way different about this breakup, but I could not understand it.  Normal breakups stink, but breakups from a BPD relationship are off the scale.  I googled one of the sadistic things she did to me and came upon BPD.  After that discovery, I had an intellectual framework to build my recovery.  It's a tough thing to go through as you all know, but each passing day, week, month, and year takes you further and further away from the trauma.

Thanks.  That's encouraging to hear - it's the place I want to get to and it's good to know that that's possible.

Some days, it seems like it will never feel any better, despite all the knowledge that I am beginning to gain through reading about BPD and people's stories here.  It gives an intellectual framework, as you say, that encourages me to try not to personalize what happened as much, but somehow, that's not getting through to my wounded emotions yet.  Any tips?  Anything you found helpful on your journey?

Well done for persevering with it and not letting it beat you.

[KeepOnGoing]

I am addressing my childhood wounds properly now for the first time ever in my 45 years of life.

Say more about that. Tell me how, please.

[Indyan]

Miss the excitement of the chaos in the relationship. 

NEVER DID, NEVER WILL.

I don't actually understand the concept of "missing drama or chaos".

[HostNoMore]

Thanks Pets!

The first thing I did when I learned of BPD was accept that I had had a "relationship" with a sociopath and just forgave her.  It was more to help me release myself than for her.  The most important thing is to get NC firmly established, and it's not an easy thing to do as mine freaked out completely when I cut her off even though I was thoroughly replaced. If one has children with an exBPD then LC is the only other choice.  I also think it's very important to talk about it with friends, family, or therapist though spread it around as much as possible.  This board also plays a critical role in being able to express one's self to an enlightened audience and reading the eerily similar stories of others.  I found incredible value in reading what others went through.  Also, you must begin to prepare for re-engagement as there is a high probability of it.  For me, just knowing that she is most probably a BPD makes it easy to resist her re-engagement attempts.  It's been nearly a year since the last one, and she'll do it again.

Once you accept and recognize what you went through, time will begin to put things in perspective for you, and you will naturally shift to focusing more on the role you played.  This is where the learning phase begins and your recovery becomes focused on yourself instead of your exBPD's current shenanigans.  :)on't feel pressured to examine yourself too quickly as your recovery will naturally progress into this critical second phase.

Once we cross the Rubicon with them, it's purely a matter of survival.  :)o we want to continue to allow ourselves to be a toy for a dysfunctional person? Do we want to ever allow ourselves to be drawn into another dysfunctional relationship?  We all had patterns and characteristics in our lives that needed to be broken and replaced with things that are positive for us.  This is what our exBPDs brought front and center for us.  They did us a favor as painful as it is.

Mine once told me "I'm preparing you for your next girlfriend.".  In retrospect, yes, she did prepare me for my next girlfriend.  She prepared me very, very well.

Three years ago I was a total emotional and physical wreck, and I would not have ever conceived of the inner peace and strength that I've been able to acquire in this time.  There is a silver lining to having experienced a BPD relationship in that it forces us to confront deeply rooted things within ourselves that predispose us to negative relationships.

[Blimblam]

Thanks Pets!

The first thing I did when I learned of BPD was accept that I had had a "relationship" with a sociopath and just forgave her.  It was more to help me release myself than for her.  The most important thing is to get NC firmly established, and it's not an easy thing to do as mine freaked out completely when I cut her off even though I was thoroughly replaced. If one has children with an exBPD then LC is the only other choice.  I also think it's very important to talk about it with friends, family, or therapist though spread it around as much as possible.  This board also plays a critical role in being able to express one's self to an enlightened audience and reading the eerily similar stories of others.  I found incredible value in reading what others went through.  Also, you must begin to prepare for re-engagement as there is a high probability of it.  For me, just knowing that she is most probably a BPD makes it easy to resist her re-engagement attempts.  It's been nearly a year since the last one, and she'll do it again.

Once you accept and recognize what you went through, time will begin to put things in perspective for you, and you will naturally shift to focusing more on the role you played.  This is where the learning phase begins and your recovery becomes focused on yourself instead of your exBPD's current shenanigans.  :)on't feel pressured to examine yourself too quickly as your recovery will naturally progress into this critical second phase.

Once we cross the Rubicon with them, it's purely a matter of survival.  :)o we want to continue to allow ourselves to be a toy for a dysfunctional person? Do we want to ever allow ourselves to be drawn into another dysfunctional relationship.  We all had patterns and characteristics in our lives that needed to be broken and replaced with things that are positive for us.  This is what our exBPDs brought front and center for us.  They did us a favor as painful as it is.

Mine once told me "I'm preparing you for your next girlfriend.".  In retrospect, yes, she did prepare me for my next girlfriend.  She prepared me very, very well.

Three years ago I was a total emotional and physical wreck, and I would not have ever conceived of the inner peace and strength that I've been able to acquire in this time.  There is a silver lining to having experienced a BPD relationship in that it forces us to confront deeply rooted things within ourselves that predispose us to negative relationships.

It hurts more than anything I had ever imagined though.

[fred6]

I'm with you Fred.

Thank you. This is not fun. Better than sitting in jail I guess, hahaha

[HostNoMore]

Very true, Blimblam.  It does hurt more than anything though time has a way of making things heal.

It hurts way more than a normal breakup.  It even hurts more than the death of someone who was very close to you.  Even though we will never forget the experience, we can use it as a springboard to a healthier state.

[tim_tom]

I know exactly what you mean and I think about this a lot too. 6 months now and it is the hardest breakup I've ever had. I think it's because they present themselves as the most perfect partner ever in the idealisation phase. It's only when you start to realise that the person we fell in love with never actually existed that it makes sense. They are like vapourware. Software that promises so much but doesn't exist.

yep... .and if you they kick you to the curb before you've really had it, those first few months are all you hold on to...

I was married to what I now suspect is a BPD'er, for 7 years. Although I thought it was bipolar (her sister had it). In any event the BPD description fits her perfectly.

My marriage was 7 years, when we split. I was fine. Just completely done and was already working on myself for months when it ended.

My current ex gf, left after 16 months. And while I was starting to consider leaving her towards the end, I was nowhere near emotionally detached, and always hopeful the girl I fell in love with would return. That has persisted post BU and it's honestly the toughest thing I've ever done. Part of me still imagines her as the girl I thought was my soulmate this time last year.

[tim_tom]

I must admit, I looked forward to the nights that I didn't see my BPD GF.

I used to look forward to nights when my xBPDh went out.  I always felt a bit guilty at wanting to be on my own and not wanting to be with him.  It wasn't a nice feeling to want my husband to go away for a while so I could handle being with him again when he came back.

Ha... same here. I used to love when she went out/left and I could just have some freedom from it all. Me encouraging her to go out only made things worse however, I hated her, hated having her here... yadda yadda

[drummerboy]

That is EXACTLY what happened to me. I was still in the honeymoon/infatuation stage when she pulled the plug. She had displayed some really troubling behaviour but there had been way more good stuff than bad. Almost overnight she ended it and went NC.

I know exactly what you mean and I think about this a lot too. 6 months now and it is the hardest breakup I've ever had. I think it's because they present themselves as the most perfect partner ever in the idealisation phase. It's only when you start to realise that the person we fell in love with never actually existed that it makes sense. They are like vapourware. Software that promises so much but doesn't exist.

yep... .and if you they kick you to the curb before you've really had it, those first few months are all you hold on to...

I was married to what I now suspect is a BPD'er, for 7 years. Although I thought it was bipolar (her sister had it). In any event the BPD description fits her perfectly.

My marriage was 7 years, when we split. I was fine. Just completely done and was already working on myself for months when it ended.

My current ex gf, left after 16 months. And while I was starting to consider leaving her towards the end, I was nowhere near emotionally detached, and always hopeful the girl I fell in love with would return. That has persisted post BU and it's honestly the toughest thing I've ever done. Part of me still imagines her as the girl I thought was my soulmate this time last year.

[Pets]

I'm 6 months out and doing ok most days. A book that's really helped me is "A General Theory of Love" it's not a self help book, it's actually quite scholarly. It talks a bit about attachment styles but the best bit is when it talks about how we imbed memories, that section helped me understand why a BPD r/s end is so much harder than a normal one.

Thanks for the book recommendation.  Have found reading stuff about BPD and related issues helpful - sometimes to the point of not being able to put down a book, because somehow, it makes me feel less alone and less like I am losing my mind with this experience.  So I'll definitely look it up 

[Suspicious1]

I'm the same when it comes to reading, though now I feel I need to detach a bit more from the relationship and start reading about stuff other than BPD. I need to start shifting my mind away from him entirely how, hard though it is.

[Pets]

I'm the same when it comes to reading, though now I feel I need to detach a bit more from the relationship and start reading about stuff other than BPD. I need to start shifting my mind away from him entirely how, hard though it is.

Yeah, I agree, it's hard.  It seems from what others are saying in this thread and elsewhere that it's a process, so I guess that we each just take the next steps when we are ready.