Is it cruel to confront their lies?

[merlin4926]

My expwBPD talks rubbish about certain events. Whether I am seeing clearer because we are not together or he is getting more desperate his lies are no longer convincing me and I'm no longer apologising.

We are nc and I want to stay this way but I was just thinking if he has constructed this fantasy where I am the bad guy because that's his only way to cope is it cruel of me to assert the truth of the situation?

If he needs to tell all his friends what I did (all lies) in order to show his face is it our of Order for me to tell them the truth?

[Infern0]

No its not cruel.

Consider if you actually need to do it though.

Do you associate with these people?  Does it matter what they think of you.

Separate from this illusion that other people's opinions of you actually matter.

You know yourself and your true friends do,  it really doesn't matter if a few people you don't know are believing lies about you. You really don't need to be running around brandishing the truth because for one thing they probably won't believe you anyway and also its only going to make her worse.

Let people judge your actions, carry yourself with dignity and humility and let her do what she wants,  the truth has a way of revealing itself in the end, BPD ALWAYS burn all their bridges in the end. These "friends" will see the real her in time.

[enlighten me]

Ask yourself how the lies are affecting you. Is it causing you trouble? Are the people he tells anything to do with you? If the answer is no then why worry.

By openly confronting the lies or by trying to prove them as wrong you may be seen as covering up and end up making the lies more believable.

By confronting your ex you may drive them to do something else.

The way I see it is the people that know me wont believe them and the people that don't know me don't matter.

[merlin4926]

Most stuff doesn't matter and like you say the people that count know the truth.

But sometimes it's something so ridiculous it makes me so angry and I can't believe he really thinks that and I want it point out the errors and inconsistencies to him. 

Then I think if I cared about him I should just leave him to believe that as it's his way of coping.  I suppose I feel I'm a good person who did loads for him, he dumped me, he owes me loads of money, he took a lot from me and really hurt me. I do take responsibility for the things I did wrong and that's why the lies about me taking advantage of him etc make me mad and I want to confront him.

When we were together I used to go along the lines of "our brains work differently so we don't see things the same way" but the crazy stuff he has said since we split is ridiculous and surely he can't really believe it himself?

[rollercoaster24]

Hi merlin4926

I understand the frustration, and even though I'm not an official board advisor, I can say that BP's construct their false selves, (in order to attract new supply, (whether this merely be friendships, or partners for relationships).

They even start believing their own lies about themselves which is all part of their false selves, and the 'splitting' process.

I will give you as brief an example from my own experience as I can, however am sure you will find many others amongst long term board members here.

For most of the 4 years I was with my exBP partner, (off and on through so many recycles I am deeply ashamed) part of me always wanted to believe he was truly the honest, moral person he said he was, drug free, and not a deviate etc.

As time went on, it became clear to me that there were many different parts to him, there was the outstanding/law abiding citizen he wanted everyone to think he was, (and convincing himself), and then there was the light-fingered, cruel, violent, dangerous man, amongst that mix, there was also the joker, (the hippy beachcomber surfer dude, every things cool man, type attitude).

The part I loved the most, was the romantic, giving, loving affectionate side, (which didn't come out virtually at all towards the end).

I heard how he would never cheat, never lie, and wasn't on drugs, and that he hadn't been doing any of them either.

His family however cannot believe the lies he tells them, or about them. I can, since I heard every minute detail of his family/friends private lives, and even sat in front of his family, (whilst BP entertained them with his usual stories or twisted perceptions of memories) and afterwards when I met up with them in BP's absence, they couldn't believe the utter lies he told that day, or why he told them about people.

I can, and I really should have paid this more attention than I did, instead of always giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Recently, I ran into his Sister in-law, she told me BP is still lying to everyone, and they all are pretty sure he is on some heavy drug, (not just occasional pot).

I always remember his frequent ranting on about everyone he knew that was on 'the ___', (meaning gear, meth, speed whatever you like to call it, which is a huge problem in this country I live in).

And I really should have figured it out a lot sooner, that this was one of the biggest signs that he is likely on it himself. People who go around spreading stories about everyone else that is on drugs, are usually the ones with the biggest problems and largest denial about their own addiction. This too can be the splitting part coming out, their false self they have to construct about who they are, because to face the real truth of themselves would be horrifying for them, so they go around pretending, lying, fabricating a fantasy world.

And usually when strangers, (new supply they have targeted or latched onto somehow) find out who the BP really is, (witness their disorder in full blast) the BP then starts to devalue the new person, more and more, the closer you are to them, the more of a threat you are.

So they move on to new pastures, flitting from flower to flower, (poisoning as they go).

When my ex made contact twice, (last in August), he actually talked on the phone about how he wasn't homeless until after he met me, (blame game).

I almost choked... .but didn't bother confronting him about it, because I know he had likely told anyone that would listen what an absolute cow I am, (mean, selfish, greedy, fat, crazy) you name it.

The real truth, is that he had not truly been 'homeless' at any point in his life, his parents had taken him in for free, (off and on most of his adult life) he is now 47 by the way. They helped him out with money too, just like I did the whole time I was with him, even after the first 2 years were up, and due to his violent ways, I asked that he return to staying at his elderly parents, since he refused to make attempts to adjust his ways, I had no other choice.

It was either that, or risk my job, my life, or that of my family that lived with me, and our property, (that he liked to steal or damage).

If his parents weren't helping him, or me, he would latch onto anyone else he could con, to get temporary accommodation, shower, money or whatever.

Now that I realise what was really going on the whole time, I wish I had gotten out way sooner.

I hope this little extract enlightens in some way, or that you can relate.

Sorry for bleeding on a bit.

Roller

[merlin4926]

Thanks roller, I think drugs makes the lies worse. My expwBPD used to use coke a lot but always tried to get me to get it for him, we would argue as I wouldn't but he would ring the dealer of my phone and borrow the money of me (I did lend him the money) tried to tell people he only did coke when he was around me

The lie now is that I have "ruined him" and it's my fault he can't trust anyone and my fault that he can't have sex with his new girlfriend,  it's so ridiculous and so unfair.

He's in a v bad way at the moment but I'm sick of being blamed for everything that goes wrong for him.  He said "you don't know how badly you have fxxxxd me up" and then I think of how much I've struggled I'm only just getting back to myself

[rollercoaster24]

Hi merlin4926

Rest assured you are better off away from him, (like we all are).

I was once told by a counsellor that if we are in a relationship with a drug addict/alcoholic/gambler/workaholic and so on, we will never be able to have a healthy functioning two way relationship that will work, unless the person with the addiction is prepared to face their demons, and get off the 'substance' whatever that may be.

Even then, if the other party is in treatment for their addiction, it will be a long hard road.

They used to tell us at Alanon, and 12 step programs not to get into any relationships for at least 2 years after beginning recovery/treatment, and I still think about this today.

Generally it is hard to have a healthy relationship with anyone embroiled in an active addiction, however mood altering drugs make that more impossible than ever.

So, please don't beat yourself up, not only are you dealing with ex's mental illness, but his active addiction to a heavy drug as well.

Stay safe and look after your heart

Today I have been on Ebay, and found some more really good books, (also brought some cheaper ones). One is called, 'Its your life now', and is for those of us in the aftermath of a Borderline/Toxic relationship. It shows our path to healing, and takes us on that path.

I'm really looking forward to it arriving in the mail.

When next on the boards, I will share the names of some of the other books I have found out there, that may help all of us on our path of recovery from our EX's.

Much love

Roller

[mywifecrazy]

I actually pondered this in another thread about them being accountable for their actions (lies, distortions, etc).

My uBPDxw went around telling people that I beat on her, raped her, was a controlling ogre and that I beat on my kids.

I like you was/is pissed not only that she told these lies but more importantly that she gets away with it. I actually confronted her about it and her reaction... .? SHE LIED ABOUT IT

I was able to talk to a couple a key people that I know we're being told these stories. But where does it stop? My head was spinning thinking of all the people that were probably told these lies. People at church? Neighbors? People at our kids school? I actually was going to talk to everyone at church that I knew she was close to then I realized... .Now I'm acting crazy! I just let it go because I knew if I didn't that I was being CONTROLLED by her.

I've already experienced that people are finding out the TRUTH on their own. And if they don't and believe her lies? The hell with them. If they believe lies about me without even talking to me first then they aren't people that I would consider a friends anyway.

I do know how you feel and why you started this thread. It makes you feel so VIOLATED! And by someone you loved and cared about... .What doesn't kill you will make you stronger. We are all made of steel on these boards, Forged in Fire!

Hope you find peace in your journey... .MWC

[Penumbra66]

Today I have been on Ebay, and found some more really good books, (also brought some cheaper ones). One is called, 'Its your life now', and is for those of us in the aftermath of a Borderline/Toxic relationship. It shows our path to healing, and takes us on that path.

I'm really looking forward to it arriving in the mail.

When next on the boards, I will share the names of some of the other books I have found out there, that may help all of us on our path of recovery from our EX's.

Much love

Roller

Roller,

Please post these books! I think most of us here would greatly appreciate that, especially if you would add a comment or two.

Thanks in advance.