Seeing uBPD mother as a person rather than an ogre

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone

I feel as though I've made a bit of a breakthrough recently. Last week my therapist and I were talking about my mother, and the long and short of it is that I suddenly felt very mournful and as though I was experiencing her as a sad, frightened child, rather than a controlling, intrusive, demeaning monster.

Last night I talked to him about my reading of "Surviving a Borderline Parent" and my belief that my mum is Borderline - he's discouraged me in the past from taking a theoretical approach to my therapy as intellectual work is something I've used as a distraction from emotional life in the past. However, he was saying that the way in which I'm looking at things now demonstrates that I'm not so enmeshed - and I do feel a lot freer. Plenty of work to do, still, but progress! I think I may have started healing.

I'm still very low contact with my parents at the moment, and have avoided being with them without my fiancée present since going LC. I think the next step may be to experience what it's like to be with them without her as a shield. Does anyone have any advice on that front?

[WilliamItWasReallyNothing]

Hello everyone

I feel as though I've made a bit of a breakthrough recently. Last week my therapist and I were talking about my mother, and the long and short of it is that I suddenly felt very mournful and as though I was experiencing her as a sad, frightened child, rather than a controlling, intrusive, demeaning monster.

Last night I talked to him about my reading of "Surviving a Borderline Parent" and my belief that my mum is Borderline - he's discouraged me in the past from taking a theoretical approach to my therapy as intellectual work is something I've used as a distraction from emotional life in the past. However, he was saying that the way in which I'm looking at things now demonstrates that I'm not so enmeshed - and I do feel a lot freer. Plenty of work to do, still, but progress! I think I may have started healing.

I'm still very low contact with my parents at the moment, and have avoided being with them without my fiancée present since going LC. I think the next step may be to experience what it's like to be with them without her as a shield. Does anyone have any advice on that front?

[HappyChappy]

Great to hear you're making progress. Re: advice on moving from LC to more contact, just make sure it's all on your terms. Go at your speed. So for example, if meeting your parents at their home creates bad memories, or gives your BPD more control, meet somewhere else. If your BPD doesn't like to make a scene - meet in public.

I was NC for 9 months and felt well enought to go back into battle and try LC. So recently e-mailed my BPD. She sent an agressive attacking e-mail back, making various demands. This kicked off my PTSD. Not realy a problem, because I only wanted contact with my dad - so I just left it. My dad recently sent an e-mail. My BPDm always controls correspondence, so this was momentus first. Feel so much better, for holiding my boundaries. A BPD is a person. But a true BPD will always be looking to control. Also they instintivly attack the week or at your weekest moment, so make sure you're fighting fit when you go it alone. Best of Luck.

[Indie]

WilliamIWRN, once again this board is amazing.   HappyC is so right about needing to be mentally in a very good place to handle contact. 

If your finance is your support, I would say don't push it if you have any question at all about whether it is the right time to go it alone.   I really like the idea meeting on neutral ground.  Environments are more important to our feelings and behavior than many people realize.

[WilliamItWasReallyNothing]

Thank you both for your replies - that really helps.

So far contact by text message and email has been positive, as have the occasional times we've invited them round for a cup of tea and a piece of cake. One of the issues regarding meeting on neutral ground is that my uBPDm has a good number of hermit tendencies and so doesn't really like to go out (as of course she can't control what's going on so easily).

In preparation I've spent a little time writing down a list of things I might say if she were to go into a witch-rage (which, in reply to my email in which I instigated LC, she promised never to do again), and how I might address attempts of inducing guilt. The real difference is that I feel able to say these things now, and I kind of feel as though I need to put it to the test. Is that a bit mad?

[Indie]

Not necessarily mad :-).  I personally wouldn't want to go in thinking it a test, which implies a grade or a pass/fail.

I think it is a great start that she said she would not do the rage thing again.  If you go in without expectation, with your boundary up, that is the best you can do.  Looking froward to other thoughts.

Btw, tea and cake... .nice!

[WilliamItWasReallyNothing]

Thanks. Perhaps I should reframe it in terms of using it as a way of seeing how it feels, and how I react?

[Indie]

That re-framing sounds good to me.   

A small disclaimer that I am not at the top of my game of late, so grain of salt!

[HappyChappy]

... .go into a witch-rage (which, in reply to my email in which I instigated LC, she promised never to do again), and how I might address attempts of inducing guilt. The real difference is that I feel able to say these things now... .

I guess it does depend on how far up the spectrume you BPDm is, but I don't believe BPD feel guilt, well not as we do. I think it's great you feel able to speek openly to your BPDm. But the theory does suggest that there's unlikely to be permanent change, unless they go for intensive Therapy (and even then it's not guaranteed). But that doesn't stop you from having a relationship.

Are you aware of the techniques on this website, such as S.E.T. that give a framework for how to approach a BPD in order to get the best results ? They work with my BPD. If your BPD has hermit

tendancies, what about skype or a vidio conference call ?

[Harri]

Hi William!

Wow, that is a big step in healing when you can see your mother for the hurt child she really is.  It in no way changes what she has done or how we have to deal with her, but I think it does help put things into perspective and not take things so personally. 

I am glad to hear that you are preparing for various things she may say.  That is excellent and so very wise. 

HappyC and Indie have some great advice.  Reframing it into seeing how you feel and how you react is good as well.  Forgive me if you already know this, but (!)   keep in mind that any time you try something new there is a bit of nervousness and anxiety and that is when it is something pleasant.  When I first starting saying no and sticking up for myself, I was nervous, my voice shook, I was sick to my stomach and I shook for hours after... .but the interaction itself was still a success.  Each time after it became easier and easier and my reaction was less intense and I was instead able to direct more energy to *responding* rather than trying not to react.  I mention that because sometimes we/I define a successful interaction as one where I do not get upset of feel tense or scared.  It has been my experience that that is just not a reasonable expectation when changing how we interact with our families.  Over time, yes I think it is doable but when you change your role, there will first be some upset.  Do it anyway, just be prepared and do not define success based on your emotions at the time.   

[gentlestguardian]

Hello everyone

I'm still very low contact with my parents at the moment, and have avoided being with them without my fiancée present since going LC. I think the next step may be to experience what it's like to be with them without her as a shield. Does anyone have any advice on that front?

I think before you take a step back into your parents' world, you should really evaluate why you're feeling the need to do so. If you're doing it just to test your own strength and resolve against the BPD, I don't think it's worth it. The BPD wins almost every single time, at least in my experience, and leaves you three steps back for every step forward you took in your own healing. That probably sounds horribly pessimistic, but I if you're genuinely trying to re-establish the relationship, why not start smaller, like with email or phone calls? Gl!

[P.F.Change]

WilliamIWRN, I can relate to a lot of your post, especially about tending to intellectualize as a means to avoid feeling emotion. It took me a long time to be able to identify and confront and feel my feelings. I am glad you have a therapist to help you work through all of this. It sounds like it is benefitting you already.

I think it is a big step to be able to stop splitting our parents "all bad" and begin to recognize they are integrated human beings with real pain. So congratulations on this. I wish for you to be able to continue in compassion and detachment while also finding compassion for yourself.

If you would like to be with your mother alone, I am confident that you will find ways to take care of yourself. However, there is nothing wrong with preferring to have someone else with you. I found my mother's behavior is generally much better when there are other people around. I think it is good that you are prepared with some responses for taking care of your boundaries. I think it's likely you will be given plenty of opportunities to practice without intentionally seeking them out. Since you asked, if your only reason for wanting to try time alone with mum is to put yourself to the test, I'd question whether it's a good idea.

Do you want to be alone with her for any other reason?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[WilliamItWasReallyNothing]

Thank you all for these additional thoughts - all very helpful.

Having read others' stories on here, I don't think my mother is anywhere near as far along the spectrum as the BPD family members some of the rest of you have had to deal with; while it doesn't make my own past suffering any less real, in some ways it's helped me to know that, actually, it could have been so much worse.

As for why I want to see my parents on my own: good question. I guess I would like to attempt to relate to them in person as an adult, rather than as a submissive child - and would like to reestablish a relationship. In part it has to do with overcoming my own fear of being alone with them, and using overcoming that fear as a way of growing. Does that make sense?

[P.F.Change]

As for why I want to see my parents on my own: good question. I guess I would like to attempt to relate to them in person as an adult, rather than as a submissive child - and would like to reestablish a relationship. In part it has to do with overcoming my own fear of being alone with them, and using overcoming that fear as a way of growing. Does that make sense?

Yes, that makes a lot of sense. It might be good for you to create some new experiences of feeling like an adult around them. And it's good you have support while you try it.

[PleaseValidate]

Reframing is always so helpful IME! When my Grams was sick, I was thankfully able to deal w her as "a woman w special needs due to her BPD whom i MUST deal w" as opposed to "the extremely selfish and abusive woman who raised me that i try not to interact w."

Unfortunately,  she is now back to the latter since my Grams died. But I still re frame in that i remind myself it was good for me to give her another chance because now I have no doubt that i should ever give her another chance.

[Ziggiddy]

William - I have read your post but not the other replies. I just wanted to HAD to say CONGRATULATIONS! no matter what you decide to do about your contact status you have made a very very important breakthrough here. At the risk of sounding condescending I' m so SO proud of you! it takes a huge level of empathy to step away from our own pain and see that others' behviour is not created in a vacuum. Your mother suffered - that is a massive contribution to her own legacy to you. In acknowledging that you really did something special. I hope you keep that precious  moment with you. Well done!

[WilliamItWasReallyNothing]

There's nothing condescending in that Ziggidy - thank you. I don't mind admitting that your post brought a tear to my eye. 

[yogibear60]

WOW, thank you for the honestly.  I was reading these posts and found truth in such a simple statement.  Trying to bring resolve does nothing but take one three steps back.  I believe it was Mark Twain who said.  Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results is a sign of insanity.      

I think before you take a step back into your parents' world, you should really evaluate why you're feeling the need to do so. If you're doing it just to test your own strength and resolve against the BPD, I don't think it's worth it. The BPD wins almost every single time, at least in my experience, and leaves you three steps back for every step forward you took in your own healing. That probably sounds horribly pessimistic, but I if you're genuinely trying to re-establish the relationship, why not start smaller, like with email or phone calls? Gl![/quote]

[WilliamItWasReallyNothing]

All, thank you for your input so far.

I did it - as I've said further up this thread, I think my uBPDm is much less severe than many of the situations some of you describe on here, so I decided to give it a go. I "flew solo" yesterday evening and it was fine. There was no conflict this time, but more importantly for me, I faced my fear, and while there I felt like an adult rather than an anxious child. It feels like a big milestone. I think I'm healing. 

[Harri]

Hi William!  What a great post to read first thing this morning! 

I "flew solo" yesterday evening and it was fine. There was no conflict this time, but more importantly for me, I faced my fear, and while there I felt like an adult rather than an anxious child. It feels like a big milestone. I think I'm healing.

It is a big milestone!  Facing your fears without losing sight of *you* is huge!  Happy healing! 

[Ziggiddy]

Weeehoo! Good to hear William!

It brought to mind a scene from a movie where this guy fancies this girl and his friends are all going "Ask her to the party! Go on! Ask her!" So shaking he calls her up and asks her. then she answers and he just starts smiling the happiest goofiest smile - he is over the moon. And then his friend says "Well? What did she say?" He goes "She said no."  So the friend says "well ... then why are you smiling?" He says "because I asked!"

Truly the moment is about you and not her. It gives you anew platform to stand on. One that is not the same position as you were before you 'tested your mettle' so to speak.

Personally, I have found it very important to go into my mother's company from time to time but it is only possible to not be scathed by her because I see it more as an experiment than anything.

It's like this: if she is nice and polite then we can get on and play happy families for a little while. if she is 'having a turn' and acting out all it does is to serve to confirm that I am right in my diagnosis. i even start making predictions to myself which trick will come out of the bag next.

Once you have achieved some emotional distance you can't help but grow in your own self esteem.

Maybe it's not that she's not as bad as the others, William. maybe you've just grown so much that it doesn't feel as bad.

No matter what happens next, your view has changed - you've faced your fear and that took spine. Good on you.

Ziggiddy