I texted the replacement and she dumped him. Why do I feel guilty?

[toomanytears]

One year in to the end of our marriage I've finally peeled back what I'm hoping is the last layer of the onion and exposed what my husband has really been playing at these last two years.

No, he hasn't had a nervous breakdown or mid-life crisis. It's not the female researcher he met on a trip to Mexico and moved into his department: he's been having an affair with a high profile spokeswoman for a well-known Christian religious movement. Fancy hotels, fine dining, flowers, valentine's day liaisons etc.

Looking back I began to realise that his behaviour towards me started to change well over a year before he left. Over the months, the splitting and false accusations became more frequent, and the love-bombing vanished. Last week I emailed asking him when exactly this affair began. Response: you are mad, you need therapy, you need help.

So, in a moment of madness, I texted the OW (not stalking, media people's contact details are easy to find online) to ask when exactly her affair with my husband began.

No response. Had I got it wrong, again? No. A few hours later my husband called me, for the first time in nine months, ranting down the phone. The OW had cut off all contact with him, and I was to stop. He was afraid for my mental health etc etc. A barrage of emails followed including threats to tell our son that he is not his father (this, of all the accusations, really takes the biscuit). Next day a letter from his solicitor accusing me of stalking and threatening an injunction if I contacted him or his partner again. Needless to say, I have absolutely no intention of doing so. No need, I have the answer.

Meantime, sensible OW sees the red flags and gets out as fast as she can. I can't help but admire her swift and rather ruthless approach in breaking off the relationship after my brief attempt to contact her. Clearly she felt my BPDH was becoming a liability to her high profile role and threatened her credibility as a religious spokeswoman. And who knows what lies he told her about his 31 year marriage and our family... .I presume my text was enough to tell her that things were not what they seemed.

So why do I feel somehow responsible, even sorry for him, and guilty? Is his gas lighting so masterful that my empathy for him knows no bounds? Or did I do something unconscionable in contacting the OW? He'd started to build his new life around his status as partner of this media-savvy woman and it no doubt fed his narcissism to be closely associated with her... .

[tim_tom]

Meh, not the best thing to do but considering all the stuff I'm sure he put you through I think it's fair to take a certain satisfaction in it.

I wouldn't go around doing it again, but give yourself this 1 time and take some satisfaction in dishing out some karmic retribution.

[toomanytears]

Meh, not the best thing to do but considering all the stuff I'm sure he put you through I think it's fair to take a certain satisfaction in it.

I wouldn't go around doing it again, but give yourself this 1 time and take some satisfaction in dishing out some karmic retribution.

Hi tim_tom

I certainly won't try it again. My solicitor's raised eyebrow was enough of a slap on the wrists for me to realise I'd stepped over the mark.

And I don't take satisfaction in it either. Indeed, I was rather appalled by the outcome - certainly not my intention that she should finish with him. But he once started to involve our kids in his new relationship, introduced her to my daughter, justified his behaviour to our son, and told him to tell me I should move on and sell our house, all wrapped around this brand new friendship he'd just made... .when in truth it had been going on for two years... .it felt like a kind of grooming, and that's what did it for me... .

[tim_tom]

Hi tim_tom

I certainly won't try it again. My solicitor's raised eyebrow was enough of a slap on the wrists for me to realise I'd stepped over the mark.

And I don't take satisfaction in it either. Indeed, I was rather appalled by the outcome - certainly not my intention that she should finish with him. But he once started to involve our kids in his new relationship, introduced her to my daughter, justified his behaviour to our son, and told him to tell me I should move on and sell our house, all wrapped around this brand new friendship he'd just made... .when in truth it had been going on for two years... .it felt like a kind of grooming, and that's what did it for me... .

I would allow yourself to take satisfaction. I would. I once broke up my wifes 9 month relationship with her boyfriend by finding some disturbing stuff about it him online. (We were still married)

It felt great. Petty, sure, but felt good to pay the pain forward. Sometimes it's ok to not feel as though you need to be the bigger person.

[toomanytears]

Thanks tim_tom

I related this to a friend who's been the OW in a BPD scenario. She said that the scales dropped when she accidentally bumped into her BPDboyf with his wife at a party and realised a) he was not already separated from his wife at all as he'd said he was, they were obviously very much a couple, and b) the wife was clearly not the evil hearted witch he'd painted her to be. She ran for the hills... .

[myself]

Whoever they're with next, and whoever after that, until the very last one, will eventually dump them. Or be dumped, scapegoated, exiled, whatever. It's inevitable with this disorder. The patterns don't lie. They are what they are.

[Mutt]

Looking back I began to realise that his behaviour towards me started to change well over a year before he left. Over the months, the splitting and false accusations became more frequent, and the love-bombing vanished. Last week I emailed asking him when exactly this affair began. Response: you are mad, you need therapy, you need help.

Smear campaigns start well before the r/s is over. Distortions are told to family and friends to make you look like the bad person.

I'm sorry that he invalidated. You're not likely going to get the truth from him. He knows what he did was wrong and it triggers negative feelings. He is projecting those negative feelings and actions on you. Listen to your intution and don't listen to his words. Actions, speak louder than words.

So, in a moment of madness, I texted the OW (not stalking, media people's contact details are easy to find online) to ask when exactly her affair with my husband began.

You want answers. You were triggered, its natural. Your H is invalidating and distorting.

No response. Had I got it wrong, again? No. A few hours later my husband called me, for the first time in nine months, ranting down the phone. The OW had cut off all contact with him, and I was to stop.

I'm not sure that I follow. Consider the source. Do you trust him to tell the truth? There's one side of the story and it's his.

He talked to his solicitor. Is it possible that he may of distorted and painted a bad picture of you? He likely lied and triangulated you to the solicitor. He's the victim, you the persecutor in the karpman triangle.

H was triggered. You confronted him in a lie. It is an emotional based disorder. A pwBPD don't like to feel bad. They like to feel good. They will dissociate and project those feelings. Your getting the story from him and not the OW. I'm not sure that I would feel sorry or guilt. Maybe you feel guilt from his FOG?

I think he doesn't want her to tell you the truth that's why he's defensive. OW was probably told distortions about you. Perhaps she's ashamed or scared or maybe a little of both?

[toomanytears]

Mutt and myself

Thanks for your insights. So helpful and essential in order to keep grounded and out of the FOG.

When I said 'had I got it wrong again?' I was referring to my other suspicions that he was having a fling with a researcher in his department - which turned out to be unfounded. Or were they? My BPDh had many more female colleagues than male and thinking about it now, this would have helped to obscure a lot of philandering, and allowed him to gaslight me.

No I'll never get the truth from him. He just won't be able to bear it. I'm concerned about how he will try to manipulate our children. I don't think he'll be able to deceive my daughter - she's far to sensible and grounded. But my son is an innocent and naive 21 year old and I've noticed he's put up some political facebook posts which suggest my husband is influencing him. Not sure what I can do though... .