Irrational Jealousy - anyone dealt with this?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My uBPDexbf broke up our relationship (that he said he was committed to for life) almost out of the blue several months ago.  Looking back & knowing what I do now, it was fears of abandonment very closely followed by engulfment fears.  I had no clue at all about BPD back then & from what he said, he didn't either, although I'm not sure that I believe him now, as he had some pretty good insight after the breakup.

Initially, we tried to maintain a friendship, with varying levels of success, for a few months.  Until he told me he had met someone else, unexpectedly, about 8 weeks ago, and he more or less dropped me and the friendship, for some respite space, as he said.  We have had NC since.  Also my choice, because I couldn't cope with seeing him and exacerbating my feelings of grief and loss even further.

Since then, I have read a LOT more about BPD and so much of what happened during and after the relationship now makes sense in the framework of the disorder.

The problem is, I find myself plagued by jealousy of his new gf and feelings of anger towards him; often quickly replaced by a deep longing for him, especially when memories of what he said or did during the idealization phase of our relationship.

It drives me mad, because this is not rational! Why would I be jealous of someone who sooner or later will also be exposed to my exbf's struggles with relationships, as he didn't really take the time to address his issues?  Why do I so long for something when I know it wasn't real, but part of a dysfunctional pattern and therefore could have never worked as it was?

I just can't make sense of these feelings and why they seem to have such an overwhelming hold on me at the moment.  I'm worried that they will stop me from moving on if I can't let go of them soon.  I'm not normally a resentful or unkind person.  For a long time, I didn't feel angry towards my ex.  So I really don't like what I am seeing in myself at the moment.

Anyone had similar experiences or can help with this?

[Pets]

My uBPDexbf broke up our relationship (that he said he was committed to for life) almost out of the blue several months ago.  Looking back & knowing what I do now, it was fears of abandonment very closely followed by engulfment fears.  I had no clue at all about BPD back then & from what he said, he didn't either, although I'm not sure that I believe him now, as he had some pretty good insight after the breakup.

Initially, we tried to maintain a friendship, with varying levels of success, for a few months.  Until he told me he had met someone else, unexpectedly, about 8 weeks ago, and he more or less dropped me and the friendship, for some respite space, as he said.  We have had NC since.  Also my choice, because I couldn't cope with seeing him and exacerbating my feelings of grief and loss even further.

Since then, I have read a LOT more about BPD and so much of what happened during and after the relationship now makes sense in the framework of the disorder.

The problem is, I find myself plagued by jealousy of his new gf and feelings of anger towards him; often quickly replaced by a deep longing for him, especially when memories of what he said or did during the idealization phase of our relationship.

It drives me mad, because this is not rational! Why would I be jealous of someone who sooner or later will also be exposed to my exbf's struggles with relationships, as he didn't really take the time to address his issues?  Why do I so long for something when I know it wasn't real, but part of a dysfunctional pattern and therefore could have never worked as it was?

I just can't make sense of these feelings and why they seem to have such an overwhelming hold on me at the moment.  I'm worried that they will stop me from moving on if I can't let go of them soon.  I'm not normally a resentful or unkind person.  For a long time, I didn't feel angry towards my ex.  So I really don't like what I am seeing in myself at the moment.

Anyone had similar experiences or can help with this?

[tim_tom]

It's the ego at work. It's bruised cause you were dumped and replaced, implicit in this transaction is that the new girl is better then you, but it's a mirage.

You were dumped and replaced cause that's what BPD's do. Very likely, the new girl will get her turn. And if she marries him, it's very likely she was have a horrid emotional roller coaster of a marriage. Pity her.

You tried to have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy individual. It was pre ordained to fail, and the breakup clock began ticking the moment  you first met. You just didn't know it.

[Mutt]

I felt angry and jealous of the new bf. It triggered feelings of inadequacy within me.

Is he better than me? Am I the one that's defective?

The truth is he's not better than me and I'm not a misfit toy. Yes, I have emotional baggage but I'm a good man.

It's an attachment disorder. She couldn't cope. She has an unstable sense of self and finds that self in other partners. I became depressed, angry, and defensive.

A borderline wants to feel good. They don't want what they project mirrored back and that's when things broke down on both sides.

She returned to her emotional baseline when she found a new attachment. It reset everything. She has unstable interpersonal relationships. That is a hallmark of the disorder irregardless of whom the person is.

Do you feel like this new gf is better than you? Is that what triggers your jealousy?

[Infern0]

Things were very similar for me. Looking back and knowing the disorder I can see where things started to go wrong.

All the time I was cool on things and just having fun it was great.

After she flaked on me one time too many I decided to go LC for a few days in order to teach her not to mess me about (cue abandonment fears) at this point devaluation started.

After this it was push pull until I admitted I loved her an just wanted to stop playing games (engulfment fears)

I do get jealous of my replacement but also feel sorry for him

He's not better than me by any stretch,  when I was told by her that she was with him,  I actually laughed because I just couldn't belive she would stoop that low. I thought she was lying to try make me jealous. Don't get me wrong by all accounts he's an alright lad, but he's not got much about him brains wise, he's nice but dim.

But she actually is with him yet mercilessly backstabs him to all and sundry including me, is attempting a recycle with an ex from two years ago whilst laying the foundations to attempt a recycle with me.  Telling everyone how deeply unhappy she is (what else is new) but happy to take all the gifts and money he spends on her.

I see his goofy looking grin in pictures where he is saying how happy he is (they are never together in pictures because she's embarrassed of him) and he has no idea the death star superlazer is charging up about to smash his heart into a million pieces.

It's ok,  I'll go and get him when he's living under a bridge in a couple of months

[Pets]

It's the ego at work. It's bruised cause you were dumped and replaced, implicit in this transaction is that the new girl is better then you, but it's a mirage.

It triggered feelings of inadequacy within me. Is he better than me? Am I the one that's defective?

Do you feel like this new gf is better than you? Is that what triggers your jealousy?

Yeah, I think I do feel like that quite often.  Although I don't know his new gf at all (we went NC as soon as he told me he was with someone else), I have a picture of her in my mind as better than me.

In the sense that I imagine her as emotionally stronger, more able to deal with BPD traits, or that those problems will never even surface with her.

The fear is that she will be able to make the relationship work (something which my exbf obviously believes, otherwise he would not have gone into it).  Ending in the conclusion that it was down to me that the relationship didn't last, that I was inadequate for what he needed.  Even though I would have been prepared to learn and to understand.

[Pets]

I do get jealous of my replacement but also feel sorry for him

When my uBPDexbf told me he had met someone else (after telling me he clearly wasn't ready for a relationship and needed therapy to address his issues), I did feel the urge to find the girl and warn her, tell her what he had said.  Not that it was any of my business.  But I also knew it would be too late anyway - she would already be drawn in by a process that is very intoxicating.

Sometimes I wish someone had told me, because I had no idea, but then I would not have believed them that the person I knew then and the relationship we had could change so much.

I do know about a couple of my exbf's ex-partners (the mothers of his children) and sometimes I think about making contact with them (they have picked up contact with each other), just to be able to speak to someone who has experienced "the other side" of him, but then I think that that would be really selfish.  Probably not that helpful for any of us in getting on with our own lives to go back to the past rather than look to the future.

[Infern0]

I do get jealous of my replacement but also feel sorry for him

When my uBPDexbf told me he had met someone else (after telling me he clearly wasn't ready for a relationship and needed therapy to address his issues), I did feel the urge to find the girl and warn her, tell her what he had said.  Not that it was any of my business.  But I also knew it would be too late anyway - she would already be drawn in by a process that is very intoxicating.

Sometimes I wish someone had told me, because I had no idea, but then I would not have believed them that the person I knew then and the relationship we had could change so much.

I do know about a couple of my exbf's ex-partners (the mothers of his children) and sometimes I think about making contact with them (they have picked up contact with each other), just to be able to speak to someone who has experienced "the other side" of him, but then I think that that would be really selfish.  Probably not that helpful for any of us in getting on with our own lives to go back to the past rather than look to the future.

Mine told me that she needed to go and work on her issues,  that she loved me but needed to get well before we could be together the way we should be.

And you know what I accepted that.  I was down but I understood.

Two days later I find out she's with my replacement.

Ughhhhhh

[Blimblam]

I do get jealous of my replacement but also feel sorry for him

When my uBPDexbf told me he had met someone else (after telling me he clearly wasn't ready for a relationship and needed therapy to address his issues), I did feel the urge to find the girl and warn her, tell her what he had said.  Not that it was any of my business.  But I also knew it would be too late anyway - she would already be drawn in by a process that is very intoxicating.

Sometimes I wish someone had told me, because I had no idea, but then I would not have believed them that the person I knew then and the relationship we had could change so much.

I do know about a couple of my exbf's ex-partners (the mothers of his children) and sometimes I think about making contact with them (they have picked up contact with each other), just to be able to speak to someone who has experienced "the other side" of him, but then I think that that would be really selfish.  Probably not that helpful for any of us in getting on with our own lives to go back to the past rather than look to the future.

Mine told me that she needed to go and work on her issues,  that she loved me but needed to get well before we could be together the way we should be.

And you know what I accepted that.  I was down but I understood.

Two days later I find out she's with my replacement.

Ughhhhhh

I know the feeling. And man it hurts so bad like nothing I ever imagined. Like a splinter in the mind. It is sad but she wants to do the healing work she just doesn't have the tools. Accepting this is what I am struggling with myself. The inconsistency is mind boggling. Making sense of it when we are attached to the fantasy we projected and they reflected back and the roles they projected into us and we identified with are inconsistent with the actions and triggers our limbic system. We know something just ain't right but I kept going holding onto false hope which was traumatizing.

It is what it is. Accepting this and internalizing it is a journey.

[Infern0]

I think what that showed me is that you can deal with the pain if you are being told truth and there are reasons.  But when it's gaslighting and their words are just meaningless,  it's that that gets you.

Your brain just can't process lies like that,  when they seem so genuine and heartfelt but are just complete trash

[goldylamont]

the great BPD Lie i hear told over and over and over to the recent-ex is such BS. my ex told me the same. she wanted to take time for herself, be single for a while and take time to heal and self reflect. this is really the stupidest thing in the world. it's so crazy seeing so many other people fed this same line. i think it was 12? 14? days later that my ex was starting her new r/s? and it could have started earlier.

we have to realize that they say this same crap, over and over and over, to each new person as they are breaking up with them, because they realize that this gives them the distance they need to establish a new sexual partner with minimal repercussions and guilt on their part.

after practicing on many partners having gone through the same thing repeatedly the one line that seems to calm us down (and fool us every time) is "i need time to myself to figure things out." i have to admit, it's pretty ingenious.

[goldylamont]

The problem is, I find myself plagued by jealousy of his new gf and feelings of anger towards him; often quickly replaced by a deep longing for him, especially when memories of what he said or did during the idealization phase of our relationship.

It drives me mad, because this is not rational!

the problem with rationality is that it tends to diminish anything beyond its understanding. so then any concept that is misunderstood seems 'irrational'.

first i want to say that while i no longer see the behavior as irrational, i do strongly feel that it's unfair. that it's wrong. that it is abusive.

now, if you keep going back 5, 6, or 15 times, then you have to take responsibility for your own growth in this case. but i think it would take most anyone at least a couple rounds to wrap their heads around what's going on. i can see the patterns and rationality of it now, but it took a long time to figure out just how it worked.

the first concept i'd like to offer is this -- the way you are feeling now: jealous, abandoned, confused and hurt. angry, raging, depressed and more confusion. this is by design. this is how pwbd want all of their exes to feel. that the ex is flawed. that the ex is terrible and deserves to be treated like they mean nothing. ultimately, a pwBPD wants you to feel the horror that they feel. they walk around every day (perhaps) with this toxic existence, and well, misery loves company, right?  what is difficult to fully wrap our heads around, especially being so fresh out of the r/s with idealization keeping our attachment strong, is the craziest thing of all--the seemingly most irrational thing of all-- Pet, your xbf thinks you *deserve* to feel what you are feeling now. he truly feels he has every right to mistreat you, make you jealous, beat you down emotionally and rub his new r/s in your face. because for him, you deserve it.

but Pets, we know this isn't true. you don't deserve this. all this negativity is created in his head and his head alone. it's hard not to take the abuse personally. and you know what's even harder? not taking the idealization personally as well. over time you will learn for yourself what you know in your heart was true and what was not. for now though, let me be very firm in telling you this -- this next woman is *not* better than you. at the same token it's highly likely that she is not less than you either. let time tell and then decide for yourself.

if i could give you anything in this moment it would be perspective. what comes to mind now is this -- your exbf has likely put many, many women in this exact same position before, using the same techniques and telling the same stale lies. the difference between you and the woman he's seeing now will *not* be how he treats her. it will not be any more successful a relationship. if you have patience you will see, just have patience. there is a kernel of difference though, and that is within you. the only difference between you and the person he's with now, and the many people he's pulled this ruse on before is: how you handle yourself in possibly one of the worst emotional states you've been subjected to. how will you get through this? how will you behave and act? will you do the same things women before did? will you act just like his next toy will when she finds out the truth? these are what are most valuable to you and what will determine how you 'measure up', if you will.

[Infern0]

I got a three page letter full of that crap,  wanting to work on herself,  figure out how to be happy,  get better etc.

Three pages,  couldn't say it to my face obviously,  dropped the letter and ran like a coward.

What still gets me is how beautifully worded it was.

I sat on my porch crying into that letter,  held it dear and then told her I understood and I wanted her to get better too and would always support her.

By this point she was probably already with the replacement tbh,  I asked her when she had gotten with him and she said she couldn't remember because she was off her meds and confused about everything.

[goldylamont]

I got a three page letter full of that crap,  wanting to work on herself,  figure out how to be happy,  get better etc.

Three pages,  couldn't say it to my face obviously,  dropped the letter and ran like a coward.

What still gets me is how beautifully worded it was.

I sat on my porch crying into that letter,  held it dear and then told her I understood and I wanted her to get better too and would always support her.

By this point she was probably already with the replacement tbh,  I asked her when she had gotten with him and she said she couldn't remember because she was off her meds and confused about everything.

no. she didn't forget the complete inception of a new relationship. but the truth that she started so soon after giving you that letter, or before/during this time would make her accountable for it. easier to just block it out and lie about it. i mean, i would be embarrassed too, who knows how hard it is for a BPD in this situation? or perhaps how incredibly easy it is for them to disassociate to such an extreme... .