We met up today.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

So me and the ex have been LC for about the last 3 months since our break up. Well in this past week ive gotten alot more texts from her than usual. Like 3 days in a row of actually responding alot when usually i only ever hear from her about once every 2 weeks. Now im to the point where i dont respond very quickly i let her wait because i know its best not to look needy or like i have no life. Well now the dynamics have changed she used to be the one not responding unless i texted 3 to 4 times. Now shes texting me 3-4 times just trying to get my attention saying things like "you dont text fast enough" and sending  faces. So i have indeed taken back the power. Well she initiated us hanging out today. It wasnt long but we met after she got off. This is very strange for me as work and her friends were always a part of the smear campaigns so it was odd actually being painted white and meeting and conversing with them all. It was nice but just a little off being on the otherside. She was nice enough to get me food too from her work. She was definitely a little more guarded though around her friends as if she was keeping up some kind of front to show she as interested in my company. Also got weird when she brought up something about living arrangements and hinted she was on her own and i asked about it. Yet during our texting session shes informed me all about it...   When i very well know she is due to the fact of her apologizing through a text she couldnt see me longer. Also going as far as to initiate us going out together soon for coffee or whatever i wanted to do. She been blowing up my phone pretty decently too. I have to assume the front comes from her painting me black at one point and the smear campaigns with these friends. Well needless to say im not sure what to expect. Shes seems to be doing ok but underneath it i can tell by even just her living situation description shes not happy. Just putting on a good front as per usual. Well i guess our one on time will truly tell what shes looking for. Idk if its a recycle... or friendship but honestly i cant lie i missed her and im glad were at least talking again. And the thing is shes being that girl i feel in love with more especially over text... idealization i sense. But its almost as if for brief moments i dont see the disorder if i let go.(although im so hyper aware i see everything and its very clear what actions are the disorder) Its a blessing with a curse. But its keeping me from falling into the fog. It keeps me in check and tune as to stay the predator and not the prey. Its sad it has to be this way but i know that with her i have to keep a part of myself closed off especially emotionally... to protect myself... her in a way too i suppose.     

[Loveofhislife]

Chasing Ghosts--in many ways, your name says it all.  I fear you are chasing something that no longer exists:  a memory.  I have been there and done that with an NPD relationship, and it worked out ok.  It was really tough at first, because we worked together, and he had cheated on me and led a double life.  But eventually, what brought us together in the first place was stronger than our relationship had ever been:  work.  With exbfBPD; it's different.  I'm so afraid I would fall right back into that rabbit hole.  Remember, part of our issues were thinking we could control them when all the while they were set on controlling us.  At least that's how it was in my relationship.  Eventually, I'm going to need to see my exbfBPD--something my nearly 21-year-old son volunteered to do tonight.  He is tired of seeing me devastated.  Just beware Greeks bearing gifts, and stay strong.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Remember, part of our issues were thinking we could control them when all the while they were set on controlling us.

Thank You Loveofhislife,

In many ways this is something im realizing more and more. That i was just as controlling as her. That i wanted to make her "better" instead of letting her be who she is and accepting and loving it no matter how hard. All we do when we essentially project all this onto our BPD is lead them on a path they can facilitate. And in the end the detached protector awakens and splits us.

Im planning on doing things differently this time. On not honestly caring in the way i did before. I can care about her but only on her terms. And thats ok because otherwise i engulf her. Obviously i want better for her but i know that unless she wants that... well its pointless to try. Ill fail and push her away. I wont enable her but i will let her do her thing. She can be the disordered girl and im strong enough to handle that. My love is strong enough to understand that. And when i do get glimpses of the girl i love... even if its not real i wont take it for granite. Because to me what really defines reality? Ones perspective. And to me it shows enough that its real. Not sustainable. But real at that time. Thats enough for me. Her time means more to me than anything in the world i realize. I think i didnt stop and analyze that during the relationship. Too much emotion clouded my perception. But now that im out its as if i can go back in with armor. Not of the white knight but of the battle scarred warrior who had stood the test of time. Im not saying i may not faulter. Im not saying i might not hurt. But shes worth it. She always was i just couldnt see it at the time in the right perspective i suppose.

I love her. I always will. And again her love may not be sustainable but its real to me and as i said thats enough. Maybe i enjoy having one foot in wonderland... because the other has been in such a harsh reality of the pain ive lived that its nice to get a break from it all. When it is a fairytale a fantasy a disney story... its perfect. Thats enough to keep me hanging on. Because in a sense were both children who have gone through trauma just trying our best at the end of the day. And when i see her smile well that gives me more hope than you can imagine. And i know that somewhere inside she feels the same. The connection we have tells me this when i smile. I see it in her eyes. And for a moment i feel safe. Like the world isnt as scary as its all made to be. Were just two kids playing with matches... and started this fire we called love. And ill keep trying to pouring kerosene even if it mean i have a chance of getting burnt.

I know she cheated lied manipulated abused blamed gaslighted and distorted my reality. But isnt she just emulating what a fallen world has provided her for a family and growing up in an abusive household... I guess i have to much compassion to hate. Too much love not to let go. But im also not a fool and will stand my ground. I have boundaries and she will know when shes crossed them... ive already proved that and she shes still around. So this gives me hope. Maybe im chasing a ghost... but that ghost can haunt me for as long as it wants because i love it. And im learning to love her other parts too. Even for her dark. Because underneath that its the most innocent light ive ever known and a beauty none of which i can compare in the world today. This is also helping me love myself more to see that ive had that same light hidden in me along. Shes an inspiration. Such a lesson that i keep learning from... how can i not keep her in my life? 

[tim_tom]

Good luck bro, I have a feeling this will not end well, but I am rooting for you.

Do keep us updated!

[Infern0]

It's a dangerous road you are on mate,  I'm going to shoot from the hip here I think you may be back in F.O.G.

However I do understand how you feel and I can't judge because I'm in contact with my BPD and I do still love her and still have hope.

Just protect yourself at all times mate,  like legitimately,  you do not want to end up totally lost in FOG again. Keep posting on here,  keep us updated and get our honest advice.  Look out for YOU and keep your mind clear and yourself strong.

I wish you all the best and hope things work out in the way you want.  Just don't get murked again.

[Blimblam]

I feel for you ghost. Good luck. You must never show fear or weakness. Like in this movies where they have the guy tame the tiger. Or in avatar when they tame the dragon.

[Loveofhislife]

And as my T reminds me always, do try to love you the way you love her.  You will always have you.  It's easier said than done.  T told me to use his idealization and mirroring as a proxy--to tell myself (and believe) all the things he told me about me--that's who I fell in love with in the first place.    

[hurting300]

You are a smart man. Think hard about all this...

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Thank you all.

Its nice to know that you all are here to support me. I really feel like i truly can come to all of you and get the most honest open caring and concerned answers and advice i could ever ask for. I will stay strong.

Id like to say even though i feel alll these things i know in my head i must keep one quote alive. "The root of all heartache is expectation." I know with her i must expect the worst at all times. Granite i still have hope but i dont let it attach as realistically when dealing with her. I know better. And when she does show me the better well ill honestly cherish it more. I realize i have to in a sense be a surrogate parent, a protector. And as Blimblam stated i cant show weakness. I must be her rock. And i will show her this. This is why i have you my friends and also my few close mates in my life to confide in. To let out the side i cant with her. The emotional one.

Its funny how i tried to tell her this the last time. She didnt understand and wanted me to show that side anyways. Well the last time i really showed her it was heartbreaking to say the least and i wont put myself through such an experience ever again. Its almost like i know whats best for her but like a stubborn child wanting responsibility that of which she cannot handle. Shes even admitted that i do.

One day at a time i suppose.

[myself]

I know with her i must expect the worst at all times.

Good luck, man. Sounds like putting her needs before yours.

Understandable you don't want to abandon her, but... .

Is it also a case of you're not sure who you are without her?

Without that push and pull? Thinking you can control the FOG?

I went back many times, from different angles, and BPD won.

Second place is I'm better off, which I'm still learning to live with.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

I know with her i must expect the worst at all times.

Good luck, man. Sounds like putting her needs before yours.

Understandable you don't want to abandon her, but... .

Is it also a case of you're not sure who you are without her?

Without that push and pull? Thinking you can control the FOG?

I went back many times, from different angles, and BPD won.

Second place is I'm better off, which I'm still learning to live with.

I would respectfully disagree that im not. Im only protecting myself from heartache. If you want to be with a person with a BPD no matter what the relationship is you have to realize they play by differnt rules. Operate in a different reality. I know the disorder engulfs her at least half of the time. Im just being aware of this and playing it to my advantage which is best for my needs. If i was putting her needs before mine id expect the best. And this just project unsustainable and unrealistic views of what she is to which always fail. I also woundnt keep any boundaries as i did before... it was a free for all. Now the tables have turned. I have the power and i intend to be strong enough to keep it because im more responsible to handle it. I know i will have constant backlash via the disorder but i know now not to take it personally, in turn making me emotionally vulnerable, and giving her the power. And letting her keep playing this cycle till im broken. At which point she ditches anyways. Its pointless.  Thats simply not something she will ever get the satisfaction of doing again.  Even if i fall i wont be down for long. I simply cant afford it. For my sanity. 

[Blimblam]

It's my opinion that you are doing this out of "need".

Are you projecting your own needs to tame your own dragon by feeling whole with her?

[Chasing_Ghosts]

It's my opinion that you are doing this out of "need".

Are you projecting your own needs to tame your own dragon by feeling whole with her?

I still would say i dont need her. I care and love her greatly. But its more or less that id rather have her in my life as she brings me great introspection into myself. If i was an alchemist why would i knowingly give up the philosophers stone? I could still practice and master alchemy without it but it gives me a much easier way to channel what i have within myself to make my potential substantiate even faster.

I would say im still working on taming my dragon but its something i know i alone must do. Im not planning on rushing back into things. I want to work my way back. Not too fast as i still have alot of taming to do. I plan on bringing this up if she talks about anything more than a friendship. Im open to the relationship but i need to keep myself in mind in this too as she always ends up consuming much of me if i let her. I cant in turn tame my dragon when focusing on someone elses. Boundaries are the key to all this. And im definitely willing to let those come into play this time... i deserve that for myself after all that gone on. 

Hope this clears things up a bit.

[Blimblam]

Trust me I can identify with what you are saying. 

Have you thougt about what it is you are projecting onto her?

And what is it she is projecting and how do you identify with that?

[myself]

she brings me great introspection into myself. If i was an alchemist why would i knowingly give up the philosophers stone?

I see what you're saying. We've all done it. Trying to turn sh!t into gold.

Maybe devil's advocate a bit, but, does that mean you're using her? Hanging on and, as Blimblam is saying, seeing her as something she's really not? Because you can find great introspection into yourself by yourself. These boards are filled with people expressing that very thing. It's happening! A good question is, Can we really be good caretakers of anyone else before being better caretakers of ourselves? Introspection= Personal Growth.

[Blimblam]

she brings me great introspection into myself. If i was an alchemist why would i knowingly give up the philosophers stone?

I see what you're saying. We've all done it. Trying to turn sh!t into gold.

Maybe devil's advocate a bit, but, does that mean you're using her? Hanging on and, as Blimblam is saying, seeing her as something she's really not? Because you can find great introspection into yourself by yourself. These boards are filled with people expressing that very thing. It's happening! A good question is, Can we really be good caretakers of anyone else before being better caretakers of ourselves? Introspection= Personal Growth.

You found the stone and it went to hell right?  Did The relationship became a living hell?  Didn't the stone sink in deep?

The transformation happens within the depths within.

She relives that pattern over and over idealize devalue.   How did that make you feel? Everything you felt is in you.

"Forget everything you think you know about you and me" - Tyler durden

[shellbent]

Remember, part of our issues were thinking we could control them when all the while they were set on controlling us.

Thank You Loveofhislife,

In many ways this is something im realizing more and more. That i was just as controlling as her. That i wanted to make her "better" instead of letting her be who she is and accepting and loving it no matter how hard. All we do when we essentially project all this onto our BPD is lead them on a path they can facilitate. And in the end the detached protector awakens and splits us.

Im planning on doing things differently this time. On not honestly caring in the way i did before. I can care about her but only on her terms. And thats ok because otherwise i engulf her. Obviously i want better for her but i know that unless she wants that... well its pointless to try. Ill fail and push her away. I wont enable her but i will let her do her thing. She can be the disordered girl and im strong enough to handle that. My love is strong enough to understand that. And when i do get glimpses of the girl i love... even if its not real i wont take it for granite. Because to me what really defines reality? Ones perspective. And to me it shows enough that its real. Not sustainable. But real at that time. Thats enough for me. Her time means more to me than anything in the world i realize. I think i didnt stop and analyze that during the relationship. Too much emotion clouded my perception. But now that im out its as if i can go back in with armor. Not of the white knight but of the battle scarred warrior who had stood the test of time. Im not saying i may not faulter. Im not saying i might not hurt. But shes worth it. She always was i just couldnt see it at the time in the right perspective i suppose.

I love her. I always will. And again her love may not be sustainable but its real to me and as i said thats enough. Maybe i enjoy having one foot in wonderland... because the other has been in such a harsh reality of the pain ive lived that its nice to get a break from it all. When it is a fairytale a fantasy a disney story... its perfect. Thats enough to keep me hanging on. Because in a sense were both children who have gone through trauma just trying our best at the end of the day. And when i see her smile well that gives me more hope than you can imagine. And i know that somewhere inside she feels the same. The connection we have tells me this when i smile. I see it in her eyes. And for a moment i feel safe. Like the world isnt as scary as its all made to be. Were just two kids playing with matches... and started this fire we called love. And ill keep trying to pouring kerosene even if it mean i have a chance of getting burnt.

I know she cheated lied manipulated abused blamed gaslighted and distorted my reality. But isnt she just emulating what a fallen world has provided her for a family and growing up in an abusive household... I guess i have to much compassion to hate. Too much love not to let go. But im also not a fool and will stand my ground. I have boundaries and she will know when shes crossed them... ive already proved that and she shes still around. So this gives me hope. Maybe im chasing a ghost... but that ghost can haunt me for as long as it wants because i love it. And im learning to love her other parts too. Even for her dark. Because underneath that its the most innocent light ive ever known and a beauty none of which i can compare in the world today. This is also helping me love myself more to see that ive had that same light hidden in me along. Shes an inspiration. Such a lesson that i keep learning from... how can i not keep her in my life? 

This is exactly how I feel, so I can relate to your post.

Unfortunately it seems like to much damage has been done already and she is keeping herself busy with friends all the time.

We work together so that is the only reason for our LC.

The last time I tried calling her, she ended up texting me "stop calling me"

Mind you I only called once in 2-3 weeks.

She is still trying to block me out, and I am just trying to live my life and not get affected by this. Honestly though even when we were still talking and texting I didn't know about her BPD so I was causing more damage.

It feels like now I could do things better that I am aware. It feel like now I am ready to communicate with her without causing tension.

Maybe she still needs time, but quite possibly she has detached herself enough never to look back.

She told a few months ago we could be friends, but anytime I asked to hang out or go somewhere she would find excuses not to.

I wasn't being pushy or overbearing. Still she is into new things, probably pursuing someone, or even in a rs already.

Still doesn't quite add up. She said I was a major part of her life, and that she cared about me.

I don't know why she is still acting like I don't exist.

[goldylamont]

Chasing Ghosts there's no stopping you now so I won't try and stop you. I think you need to be discarded again to learn more about yourself and the futility of the situation. It sounds like now you've learned a couple of things. One is that you were as controlling of her before as she was of you. So going back in you want to try being less controlling. Second that before you had no boundaries but now you've acquired some so going back in you now won't stand for abuse and will be stronger. This is what I'm gathering.

How I see this playing out is that over time you will realize that you simply don't mean the same thing to her as she does to you. It's there for you to see already, but I think you now have these new techniques to try and prove otherwise. I think your biggest blind spot here is that you place far, far more value and put her on a far higher pedestal than she is doing you. You are staring to receive more texts and communication from her now and this gives you a sense of power and control you never felt before. Just by seeing her be a bit needy is enough to overlook the fact that she's slept with how many other people during your tenure? The bit of power and control that you are just now getting a taste of has been something she's had perhaps the duration of your r/s with her, plus the fact that she probably wields even more of this power over other intimate and putonic partners.

I think you may be overestimating her attachment to you by just looking at the recent communication. If you were at the same level of detachment you would have already had several other partners by now just like she has. You could even talk to each other about this as common ground as equals. As it stands now though, she's successfully managed to get you to completely attribute your whole being in life, your whole soul to her, just by appearing needy to you for just a bit. At the end of the day is it safe to say that she can be confident that no matter how abusive she is to you, that she knows she can get you back when it suits her needs? Before it was probably easier to fool you but now dangit she had to send you texts for 3 days in a row for the same result. Perhaps frustrating for her with all she is juggling in love and work.

CG when a grown person is as sure as you about what they are going to do, im not foolish enough to try and stop them. Best of luck to you. What I recommend though is that you make this count! Learn something new this time like you just did. If you are setting boundaries now with this new found power, just how far are you willing to go? Can you set a timeline and goals and if they aren't met then you'd be prepared to walk away for good? Or do you think no matter what happens this go round that you'll stick around for more chances of recycle?

You've got to have an exit plan. Otherwise you will continue to be under the control of a mentally disordered person until she bores of you, which will happen much faster than the strong attachment you have thinks possible. Having g a bit of control for you has piqued your interest. Don't overestimate its power though. Make your own exit plan or find yourself folly to hers... .