Want to understand - How can you communicate if they won't respond

[Tryingtomakeit]

Hi, I'm a newbie so please forgive any tech newbie errors. I have two adult children, I was divorced when the kids were 2&3.  Teenage years with my daughter were rough.  I tried to be both disciplinarian and friend (I felt I had a good balance, there's no instructions on being a parent) My daughter would have tantrums during her teenage years into young adult years, but I mostly chalked that up to puberty, she stole money & items from me and we had to put a lock on my sons door.  My daughter split my family up about seven years ago, refusing to have anything to do with my son (her brother) when he got married. My daughter did not approve of his wife and refused to be at any family functions that my daughter in law attended.  This broke my heart, there was no empathy on my daughters part, her words "i don't create your happiness".  After a year or so my daughter agreed to counseling, but the therapist mainly said My daughter was power struggling with me.  I had to decide whether to keep seeing her or not.  By then she was became pregnant. So I decided to see her and she could have holiday dates that I wouldn't be with my son and his family. He has two wonderful children, who will never know they have an aunt and two cousins. She was married 4 years ago and converted to a different religion to marry her husband, whose family is devote (they do not believe in divorce) , two years ago she started pushing her husbands family away from them and now my daughter & my son in law are separated.  He supports them, my daughter had another daughter a year ago. So I have 2 granddaughters from my daughter, but 2 months ago we go into a silly argument over her saying she might need an antidepressant, when I said that might help she went off on how neither myself nor her husband are ever any support for her, and I HAVE to apologize for hurting her feelings, which I already had done. For the first time in a long time I said "no", now she will not return calls or text. I'm in therapy and my therapist advised me to get a book, which the bookstore didn't have, so I picked up 'walking on Eggshells' after reading it and finding this wonderful website and discussing BPD with my therapist, I believe I am a mother of an adult daughter who seems to have BPD & npd tendencies; this has not been confirmed or diagnosed. This is very condensed and not written well, for that I apologize. But I want to get started on this journey, of trying to understand, feel less angry and less hurt.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

Hello Tryingtomakeit 

When a child (even an adult child) suffers from BPD the whole family is affected. I know from my own experience how upsetting it is when it causes these rifts in the family. I hope that you will join us on Parenting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board where you will find a lot of information about BPD and the most effective ways to communicate with your daughter and also to maintain your own boundaries.

There is also a lot of support to help us manage the distress that this illness can inflict upon the whole family.

There are many of us there with similar experiences who will understand the issues you are facing-i hope that you will join us-I will look out for you on the parent's board

[sadmumma]

Hi there, I am a newbie too and I have a daughter with BPD as well.  I can sincerely sympathize with you, as my daughter has also sent all the threats of cutting all of us off from her. My daughter is only 17 though, so I have heard her tell me this a thousand times, but when it comes down to the crunch, she comes back a mess.  She can't apologise, as she can't see anything wrong with her behavior.  She broke into my home (yes she moved out a few months ago, much to my disgust) on Friday but I had a suspicion this was coming, and had neighours on the look out, which worked in my favor. I got back here and caught her in the act. I called the police on her and the police suggest that i don't have her charged as this will alienate her even more from us.  Such a struggle, as they psych we saw at the hospital after the break in (she then threatened suicide - hence ending up at the hospital) said it would be VERY WISE of me to press charges against her as she needs VERY CLEAR BOUNDARIES.  So I'm very confussed as to what to do... .but i am feeling that i will have her charged, so she knows she crossed a boundary and this is unacceptable.  I always hear ":)r Phil" in my head telling me what to do (and I'm almost certain he would say "She did the crime, she needs to be held accountable for her actions"... .

I hope we can get to know each otherd, as it is so hard not knowing what to do or how to approach things when it comes to BPD. 

I do hope that one day, your daughter will relax a little and allow herself the opportunity to be part of her nieces/nephews lives.  It would also be lovely for her children to know there cousins.  Pray, because i know the power of pray is great, and sometimes, that's all we can do.

take care & hugs to you.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello Tryingtomakeit, 

What a heartbreak... .you are not alone in this - there are many parents like you here, and they understand what you are going through!

Welcome among us - this disorder is so cruel, but there is also hope!

I am so sorry that your daughter doesn't speak to you at this time. Is this the first time she "cut you off"? Having grandchildren in the mix is even more painful... .

It will give you time to read up on the disorder, though, and prepare for the next time: there usually IS an opportunity for a do-over. 

What's the book that your therapist recommended that the bookstore didn't have? Was it something on BPD, or something else?

And - don't worry, your post is well written - you describe your situation in a way that is easy to understand... .

There is a wealth of resources on this site, there's lots to absorb, but a good start is in the right hand panel --->

(Listening with empathy and validation are a great start as we are learning more tools)

It's great that you have a therapist! Do you also have someone in your life (partner, friends) that can support you through this?

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Tryingtomakeit & 

I'm so sorry for all the trauma and troubles you have been having with your daughter... .All of us on the Parenting a Son or Daughter suffering from BPD can understand what you are going through, and are so happy you have found our family 

It's really awful when our children become the impetus for discord in the family, and when we cannot have "normal" holidays or family get-togethers; I do know about this as my undiagnosed (most likely) BPD daughter-in-law thinks that my older son (who was diagnosed with BPD in 2013 but is now in recovery from it because of ongoing treatments and Therapies) is "toxic" and she refuses to be involved with family if he is there. It's very sad and does cause me some angst... .

Have you had the chance to check out the links to the right-hand side of this page? Starting at the top and working your way down the list, please check out the information we have available... .Many of us have found that the TOOLS and THE LESSONS have helped us to improve our relationships with our BPD loved ones, and made things at least a little better for our families. Does your daughter live nearby to you? Have you actually not seen her or your grandchildren for the last 2 months? Have you talked to her at all in that time? Are you looking for ways to reunite with her somehow?

Please tell us what you think of the information to the right on this page, and more about your situation... .We'd love to help, Tryingtomakeit... .