Annoyed that I am annoyed

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Its been 5 months since I ended things with my uBPDexgf of 5 years (and about 10+ recycles). I didn't know about the disorder until a few weeks after us ending, and thankfully a mate fessed up as he had suspected for some time. I have looked into the disorder extensively and she ticks every single box. Anyway, this board and books I've read have been a great help as far as dealing with my biggest time wasting problem - trying to rationalise or fathom her mean actions and behaviour. Like many people on this board, I've pretty much had the same experience as many of you so in summary: she ran to me days out of 3 year relationship, lovebombed, devalued, back to ex, back to me, back to ex, back to me, off somewhere else and many "drunken mistakes", tears, breakups, and then coming back with tears and very "self-aware moments"... .After two years, she committed the worst thing I've ever experienced and I didn't speak to her for 2 years. She was shamed by her actions and for being busted for it so kept out of my hair.

About a year ago, she returned and confronted me. She'd spent months overseas travelling, seemed different, apologised, lots of tears and "I haven't moved on since you" (ahem... .not what I heard) and you're my one etc... .and I thought we could be friends. But of course we got close again and got back together very quickly. Then the mirroring started - which was actually pretty awesome. She communicated well, was generous and thoughtful. I did find it weird she had no remorse for her cruel and hideous actions that broke us up last time - she literally shrugged her shoulders and demanded we wipe the slate clean and I get over it. After 4 months I did let it all go, sold on the girl who had finally changed. Ya, no.

Cut to 6 months later and the moods, excessive drinking, devaluing all kicks in. The arguing had escalated beyond my level of tolerance with her or anyone (I don't fight - nor see it as necessary form of communication most of the time). And during our 2 year split I did a lot of work on myself and set boundaries with girls and even friends who took the piss. Above all though, I kept an eye on myself. In our last few months I paid attention to my gut which kept saying "this isn't how I conduct or ever want to conduct any of my relationships" so the red flags began to wave. But I think I'm going to fix all of this!

I nailed my dream job with dream pay that would cover her costs while she figured out what she wanted to do with her career... .even though she refused to have more than a 5 minute discussion to flesh out ideas. And rather than be happy for me, something triggered her big time. She was not remotely happy for me, devalued me beyond belief... .Then her 1 year of mirroring unraveled to expose her usual negative patterns from 5 years ago... .and I had naively thought we'd seen the back of that girl. Nope, she was back and in full force. So my defences and rational mind decided to stop things before they could get ugly or she did something horrible. I wanted a civilised ending. Eventually I put my hand up and said I'm not dealing with on the fence behaviour or fighting over dumb stuff. I want to settle down, I have my ducks in a row, I want kids and she should know by now what she wants rather than have feelings that blow with the wind. And also, I'm a generous, loving person and it would be nice for my partner to be happy for my success rather than yell at me for not getting her a job while she watches TV series and parties 5 nights a week... .while I pay for everything and try to help her get off her butt with sensitivity and understanding re. being lost career-wise included. Been there and it's tough.

So I lay down an ultimatum. We go to therapy together, work this out and move forward or we stop. She gives me the "I'm empty inside. I have nothing to give. You deserve so much more. I need to deal with my issues so I can ultimately be the person you deserve... .I need to figure out my career and your success stifles me and feel bad about myself. And I need to do that on my own" speech with tears etc. I say okay, will be your friend and support that. She comes back twice in that time (in hindsight she needed money but I didn't notice at the time). She lovebombs the hell out of me, sex 4 times a day just like in the beginning but having had a couple weeks away from her I felt it was a ploy for me to remember her well. I also realised the most healthy thing was for her to do that work she had said she needed to do. So I said no to reconciling with a lot of love and even said "it's too soon, sort out your stuff and we rethink us when you're sorted".

Within a week, she was shacked up with a 60 year old multimillionaire - she is 29. She carefully and unnecessarily revealed this info to my close friends who of course relayed it back to me. I didn't react at first, as I wasn't surprised but when it came time for me to have to ask for my house keys back via email I did say it hadn't been pleasant hearing about her relationship from my friends, and I would have shown her a bit more sensitivity and respect - those words exactly. I also asked that she not contact me and give me some space to heal and wished her the best. In turn she fires me two really mean emails... .cause you know, how dare I tell her I was hurt by her lack of sensitivity  I didn't respond. Well I did but never sent the emails... .no point engaging.

Despite my request for NC, and also my lack of acknowledgement of her nasty emails, like clockwork, I hear from her at least every 10 days even though I never respond. She suddenly subscribes to my music, follows me on things I can't block people on. Emails me things, texts etc... .and I don't answer. I did however say happy birthday about 2 months ago as she sent me an invite to her birthday with a long speech saying how she couldn't imagine it without me there and it would make her so happy etc... .I knew her next email would be "nice" as the "mean" didn't get a response. It took me a couple days but I decided to reply and let her know I would be away and to have a good time. Selfishly, I didn't want to appear like a jerk or immature for not saying happy birthday - or that I was bothered by her (even though I am) - but at the same time it wasn't a gesture to invite further conversation. Yea, well that didn't work. She's still at it and I returned to ignore mode.

Anyway, on Friday evening she texted me asking me for a recipe of mine for a dinner party. I didn't answer as per usual. Then my very close friend calls and tells me that my ex had gone to his shop and invited him to said dinner party at her boyfriend's house. My friend declined the invitation, out of respect to me (and general lack of interest in her), but I find it irritating that she would do that. Essentially, you're going to ask my close friend over to your boyfriends for dinner? And then potentially use my recipe to make dinner for my mate and the replacement? When I haven't answered your texts/emails in 5 months excluding a text to say happy birthday a couple months ago.

I have heard from other friends that she is making efforts to edge her way into my social circle (I'm 8 years older so we hang out in different crowds mostly) which I admit triggers me in the moment but I in no way openly react when she is mentioned. She's asked some other mates of mine (she may have met once?) to hang out with her and her bf before. They all say no... .and on their own accord and without informing me before their decision. I would never say no to them hanging out - people can do what they want. All I have asked is for my mates to not mention her in conversation if they see her out etc... .but they can't help themselves... .namely because they see the humour in the audacity of her behaviour. They know she was never interested in them while we were together so they find it odd she would reach out to them now and find it rather transparent.

But this kind of stuff really annoys me. I find it so inappropriate and I can't help but feel there are intentions or a deliberateness to this as she knows my mates would relay this stuff back to me. Then the other side of me thinks she is just so clueless, or thinks we're "cool" (even though I don't speak to her or have indicated any coolness between us) and this is perfectly appropriate and mature and normal behaviour and it shouldn't be an issue. Or is the issue mine? I would appreciate if she would give me some space - and therefore remain out of my life and circle that she so vehemently undermined when we were together. NB. my friend circle comprises friends I've known for 10-20 years... .hers comprise of friends she's known from 2 days to 2 years tops... .she changes friends like I change my underwear.

Anyway, I needed to vent as I'm certainly not going to give rise to it openly. If anything, I'm annoyed this stuff still bothers me. I get great days of peace, but I can't get past a week without a jab... .sometimes directly and other times indirectly. But she's not an idiot - she has confessed to me in her drunken state the weird things she has done to find me or hurt me for a reaction etc. She even secretly installed Find My Friends on my bloody phone (I luckily found it and deleted) and used my keys to enter my apartment, smell my sweater and cry in my bed when we broke up 5 months ago. Glad I got my keys back.

Over the years I know with all things in life there comes a day when you hit indifference. I really hope I can get there. I don't want drama... .I just want some space and for my wishes to be respected. Granted I know she would like to be friends one day and I would contemplate that for the sake of our very limited number of mutual friends if and when I am definitely indifferent toward her on an intimate level. But I'm not there yet and she has her new guy and it's been 5 months and she won't ever have to commit to him or have kids with him cos he's been there and done that and her parents will not approve at all (he's older than her mom!). It's the perfect scenario for her. But I just wish she would stay on her side of her street. I will get to where I need to be, and am close but these moments I find aggravating and if anything I'm annoyed at myself for even processing this stuff. It's a waste of time and energy to trip up on her niggles.

[JB8888]

Its been 5 months since I ended things with my uBPDexgf of 5 years (and about 10+ recycles). I didn't know about the disorder until a few weeks after us ending, and thankfully a mate fessed up as he had suspected for some time. I have looked into the disorder extensively and she ticks every single box. Anyway, this board and books I've read have been a great help as far as dealing with my biggest time wasting problem - trying to rationalise or fathom her mean actions and behaviour. Like many people on this board, I've pretty much had the same experience as many of you so in summary: she ran to me days out of 3 year relationship, lovebombed, devalued, back to ex, back to me, back to ex, back to me, off somewhere else and many "drunken mistakes", tears, breakups, and then coming back with tears and very "self-aware moments"... .After two years, she committed the worst thing I've ever experienced and I didn't speak to her for 2 years. She was shamed by her actions and for being busted for it so kept out of my hair.

About a year ago, she returned and confronted me. She'd spent months overseas travelling, seemed different, apologised, lots of tears and "I haven't moved on since you" (ahem... .not what I heard) and you're my one etc... .and I thought we could be friends. But of course we got close again and got back together very quickly. Then the mirroring started - which was actually pretty awesome. She communicated well, was generous and thoughtful. I did find it weird she had no remorse for her cruel and hideous actions that broke us up last time - she literally shrugged her shoulders and demanded we wipe the slate clean and I get over it. After 4 months I did let it all go, sold on the girl who had finally changed. Ya, no.

Cut to 6 months later and the moods, excessive drinking, devaluing all kicks in. The arguing had escalated beyond my level of tolerance with her or anyone (I don't fight - nor see it as necessary form of communication most of the time). And during our 2 year split I did a lot of work on myself and set boundaries with girls and even friends who took the piss. Above all though, I kept an eye on myself. In our last few months I paid attention to my gut which kept saying "this isn't how I conduct or ever want to conduct any of my relationships" so the red flags began to wave. But I think I'm going to fix all of this!

I nailed my dream job with dream pay that would cover her costs while she figured out what she wanted to do with her career... .even though she refused to have more than a 5 minute discussion to flesh out ideas. And rather than be happy for me, something triggered her big time. She was not remotely happy for me, devalued me beyond belief... .Then her 1 year of mirroring unraveled to expose her usual negative patterns from 5 years ago... .and I had naively thought we'd seen the back of that girl. Nope, she was back and in full force. So my defences and rational mind decided to stop things before they could get ugly or she did something horrible. I wanted a civilised ending. Eventually I put my hand up and said I'm not dealing with on the fence behaviour or fighting over dumb stuff. I want to settle down, I have my ducks in a row, I want kids and she should know by now what she wants rather than have feelings that blow with the wind. And also, I'm a generous, loving person and it would be nice for my partner to be happy for my success rather than yell at me for not getting her a job while she watches TV series and parties 5 nights a week... .while I pay for everything and try to help her get off her butt with sensitivity and understanding re. being lost career-wise included. Been there and it's tough.

So I lay down an ultimatum. We go to therapy together, work this out and move forward or we stop. She gives me the "I'm empty inside. I have nothing to give. You deserve so much more. I need to deal with my issues so I can ultimately be the person you deserve... .I need to figure out my career and your success stifles me and feel bad about myself. And I need to do that on my own" speech with tears etc. I say okay, will be your friend and support that. She comes back twice in that time (in hindsight she needed money but I didn't notice at the time). She lovebombs the hell out of me, sex 4 times a day just like in the beginning but having had a couple weeks away from her I felt it was a ploy for me to remember her well. I also realised the most healthy thing was for her to do that work she had said she needed to do. So I said no to reconciling with a lot of love and even said "it's too soon, sort out your stuff and we rethink us when you're sorted".

Within a week, she was shacked up with a 60 year old multimillionaire - she is 29. She carefully and unnecessarily revealed this info to my close friends who of course relayed it back to me. I didn't react at first, as I wasn't surprised but when it came time for me to have to ask for my house keys back via email I did say it hadn't been pleasant hearing about her relationship from my friends, and I would have shown her a bit more sensitivity and respect - those words exactly. I also asked that she not contact me and give me some space to heal and wished her the best. In turn she fires me two really mean emails... .cause you know, how dare I tell her I was hurt by her lack of sensitivity  I didn't respond. Well I did but never sent the emails... .no point engaging.

Despite my request for NC, and also my lack of acknowledgement of her nasty emails, like clockwork, I hear from her at least every 10 days even though I never respond. She suddenly subscribes to my music, follows me on things I can't block people on. Emails me things, texts etc... .and I don't answer. I did however say happy birthday about 2 months ago as she sent me an invite to her birthday with a long speech saying how she couldn't imagine it without me there and it would make her so happy etc... .I knew her next email would be "nice" as the "mean" didn't get a response. It took me a couple days but I decided to reply and let her know I would be away and to have a good time. Selfishly, I didn't want to appear like a jerk or immature for not saying happy birthday - or that I was bothered by her (even though I am) - but at the same time it wasn't a gesture to invite further conversation. Yea, well that didn't work. She's still at it and I returned to ignore mode.

Anyway, on Friday evening she texted me asking me for a recipe of mine for a dinner party. I didn't answer as per usual. Then my very close friend calls and tells me that my ex had gone to his shop and invited him to said dinner party at her boyfriend's house. My friend declined the invitation, out of respect to me (and general lack of interest in her), but I find it irritating that she would do that. Essentially, you're going to ask my close friend over to your boyfriends for dinner? And then potentially use my recipe to make dinner for my mate and the replacement? When I haven't answered your texts/emails in 5 months excluding a text to say happy birthday a couple months ago.

I have heard from other friends that she is making efforts to edge her way into my social circle (I'm 8 years older so we hang out in different crowds mostly) which I admit triggers me in the moment but I in no way openly react when she is mentioned. She's asked some other mates of mine (she may have met once?) to hang out with her and her bf before. They all say no... .and on their own accord and without informing me before their decision. I would never say no to them hanging out - people can do what they want. All I have asked is for my mates to not mention her in conversation if they see her out etc... .but they can't help themselves... .namely because they see the humour in the audacity of her behaviour. They know she was never interested in them while we were together so they find it odd she would reach out to them now and find it rather transparent.

But this kind of stuff really annoys me. I find it so inappropriate and I can't help but feel there are intentions or a deliberateness to this as she knows my mates would relay this stuff back to me. Then the other side of me thinks she is just so clueless, or thinks we're "cool" (even though I don't speak to her or have indicated any coolness between us) and this is perfectly appropriate and mature and normal behaviour and it shouldn't be an issue. Or is the issue mine? I would appreciate if she would give me some space - and therefore remain out of my life and circle that she so vehemently undermined when we were together. NB. my friend circle comprises friends I've known for 10-20 years... .hers comprise of friends she's known from 2 days to 2 years tops... .she changes friends like I change my underwear.

Anyway, I needed to vent as I'm certainly not going to give rise to it openly. If anything, I'm annoyed this stuff still bothers me. I get great days of peace, but I can't get past a week without a jab... .sometimes directly and other times indirectly. But she's not an idiot - she has confessed to me in her drunken state the weird things she has done to find me or hurt me for a reaction etc. She even secretly installed Find My Friends on my bloody phone (I luckily found it and deleted) and used my keys to enter my apartment, smell my sweater and cry in my bed when we broke up 5 months ago. Glad I got my keys back.

Over the years I know with all things in life there comes a day when you hit indifference. I really hope I can get there. I don't want drama... .I just want some space and for my wishes to be respected. Granted I know she would like to be friends one day and I would contemplate that for the sake of our very limited number of mutual friends if and when I am definitely indifferent toward her on an intimate level. But I'm not there yet and she has her new guy and it's been 5 months and she won't ever have to commit to him or have kids with him cos he's been there and done that and her parents will not approve at all (he's older than her mom!). It's the perfect scenario for her. But I just wish she would stay on her side of her street. I will get to where I need to be, and am close but these moments I find aggravating and if anything I'm annoyed at myself for even processing this stuff. It's a waste of time and energy to trip up on her niggles.