Lost and confused ... again

[Harlygirl]

Who is the fool?... .if the BPDexbf  goes back to the HPDexgf he left for me... .and they are still together 2 years later... .then who is crazy?   Why?   Why... .as the non... .who offered him the opportunity to have a HEALTHY... .LOVING?... .relationship... .am the one he couldn't handle?   Can someone please tell me how THAT DYSFUNCTION... .could possibly be working?    Why do I feel as though. I am the one who has lost their mind?

[Harlygirl]

Can someone please help me to understand?... .I feel like such a failure... .:'(

[Deeno02]

No easy explaination other than they are totally wired wrong. Im sorry this happened to you. None of deserved this at all. If you get a chance, please read the material on the site. It is so infomative. Im 4 weeks in to a break up after a year and a half relationship and Im still completely devastated, but I now know what transpired. Good luck on your journey here on the sight. There are alot of good people on here who will help you as well. Just let them.

Deeno02

[enlighten me]

Im starting to think that pwBPD need to look after someone for the relationship to work. Or at least certain types of pwBPD do.

My exgf is very good with her children and most of the time you wouldn't realise that there was anything wrong with her. With me on the other hand she was a nightmare. Im very independent and this bugged her. Her exH on the other hand was very needy and she had to almost parent him. She was more intelligent than him and even earned more than him. They lasted for 6 years compared to my 2 1/2.

If your exs new partner is histrionic then your ex will have the role of the carer so maybe that's why theyre still together.

Just a thought.

p.s. what type of BPD was your ex? waif, witch, queen?

[Harlygirl]

Thank you so much for responding... .He is a waif... .though very capable of portraying himself as hardworking,efficient, and in control in the work place.  He portrayed the exHPDgf as unstable, and this seemed to be substantiated by a family member.   He always referred to her as someone he had to look after, that she was someone he had to walk on eggshells around and be careful of how he spoke to her without setting her off... .I have always been emotionally stable and independent... .more so than he... .and certainly healthy in the sense that I am not disordered ... .Is that why they recycle... .because they are disordered?... .is it because they feed off each other?... .is that what works for them?

[BlackHoleSun]

Im starting to think that pwBPD need to look after someone for the relationship to work. Or at least certain types of pwBPD do.

My exgf is very good with her children and most of the time you wouldn't realise that there was anything wrong with her. With me on the other hand she was a nightmare. Im very independent and this bugged her. Her exH on the other hand was very needy and she had to almost parent him. She was more intelligent than him and even earned more than him. They lasted for 6 years compared to my 2 1/2.

If your exs new partner is histrionic then your ex will have the role of the carer so maybe that's why theyre still together.

Just a thought.

p.s. what type of BPD was your ex? waif, witch, queen?

They want someone they can control. Someone who will cater to their every whim. In my experience they want someone to look after them unconditionally, almost like a parent figure. Sounds like she could just tell him what to do and control him better than yourself. Its all about their needs!  

[patientandclear]

Hey HG -- I completely understand why it is painful to look at that from the outside ... .there is a tendency to wonder if you were not good enough to make the effort for, if you could have done what she does and seen a different outcome in your own relationship.

Perhaps it would help to think of this as somewhat more mechanical than that.  It is less about who is worth it and more about who doesn't trigger them.  Triggers are not about being worth the effort ... .they are about fear and prior experiences and fight or flight, all subconscious impulses that make little or no sense objectively.

My uBPDexbf was obsessed with his exgf of 10 years.  He wasn't trying to make it work with her or anything ... .he was trying to make it work with me and then a succession of other women.  As far as I know he never even reached out to her, initially I thought because he didn't like her, and more recently I've realized because he was deadly afraid of rejection from her.  But my point is, he was with me, but he was obsessed with her.  So who was more important to him?

At that moment he could be with me -- I had not yet triggered him -- but that doesn't mean I was more important, more special, more worth his effort.

When being with me required effort, he split.  Just like he always has.  He chose other women.  He stayed with them till being with them required effort.  Then he split.

Do you see how the current configuration really says nothing about worth or desire or ... .?  It works for him for whatever reason, for now.  Not because she is better.  Because it doesn't set him off.  Yet.

[purpleavocado]

Harlygirl... .keep in mind that everything you have heard about his ex is from his perspective, which is a warped one. My ex told me horrific stories about her ex, but looking back on how they were told, I really relate more to the ex than her.

None of this is a reflection on you. Just remember that.

[JonnyKrunch]

Who is the fool?... .if the BPDexbf  goes back to the HPDexgf he left for me... .and they are still together 2 years later... .then who is crazy?   Why?   Why... .as the non... .who offered him the opportunity to have a HEALTHY... .LOVING?... .relationship... .am the one he couldn't handle?   Can someone please tell me how THAT DYSFUNCTION... .could possibly be working?    Why do I feel as though. I am the one who has lost their mind?

I really know how you feel.

I think BPD can't handle healthy and loving for any significant length of time. So how can he handle you?

They can talk about it and say they want it, but its just words mixed with maybe a fleeting moment

of positive action.

Sososososososo many  times I questioned if I had lost my mind. And many times she had me leaning that direction.

Nonononononono longer do I question my sanity . This site has really help see me see things clearer, but

believe me I am still confused about many things, but that's just because I can't figure them out, not because of my sanity.

( nonBPD person questioning their mind seems to be a fairly common theme around here.)

[crookedeuphoria]

My theory on this is that they don't get the engulfment portion of the program with a PD partner because their PD partner is just as unhealthy as they are, and possibly just as incapable of forming a real lasting bond. We love them truly and deeply and that's way too much for them to take.

My ex's exwife is personality disordered, I think either NPD or BPD. She was horrible to him and generally, is not a nice person. He was with her 12 years and whenever she would text or email when we were together, he would become riddled with anxiety. What do I do, what do I say, how do I respond, I have to do this, I have to do that... .on and on and on it would go. He was TERRIFIED of her. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if I hear that they get back together.

[Harlygirl]

Thank you all for responding... .Crooked... .your experience sounds EXACTLY like mine... .he was AFRAID!  Afraid to set limits with her... .respect boundaries... .because neither one of them had ANY... .Afraid of being alone... .so he ran back to her when there was tension between us... .ran back to everything he said he no longer wanted... .and discarded me because he was AFRAID!

[Trog]

Its totally usual for people with BPD to find another personality disordered person straight after a 'good guy non'. All the things you may have been accused of, not earning enough money, being too fat, not enough friends, drinking too much, wont matter and will certainly be far worse in the replacement.

Bpd people are not really into physical attractiveness for any other sale than how it reflects on them, but they could date the ugliest person going if they could successfully control and manipulate and guilt trip the next partner. Its about supply and its not about looks or money or anything we'd think is quite shallow.

They want to make people feel bad, to guilt them, to control them, to shame them, if they are also disordered the person may well take it and stay and tbh two disordered people out of the dating pool, taking each other out, is the best thing for the rest of the world. Do not take t as a slight on you, and as I try to tell myself every day, ONLY focus on the bit of this that is about you. Why you put up with this for so long, what childhood factors or coda factors are you suffering from, try to detach the emotion a touch and look at it for what it is, an opportunity to learn about you and ensure you never take that shi* again.

[Blimblam]

I believe histrionics less capable of love than a pwBPD.  Therefore they don't trigger them and the pwBPDs idealization mix well with a histrionics attetioon whorish qualities. The pwBPD gets to chase while the histrionic brings outside attention to them both.

I know it's not fair and you know it won't last.

[pieceofme]

Thank you all for responding... .Crooked... .your experience sounds EXACTLY like mine... .he was AFRAID!  Afraid to set limits with her... .respect boundaries... .because neither one of them had ANY... .Afraid of being alone... .so he ran back to her when there was tension between us... .ran back to everything he said he no longer wanted... .and discarded me because he was AFRAID!

this was my exact experience, as well. i am very independent, calm and stable. my ex failed (and refused) to set boundaries with his ex. she ruined two of our vacations with her incessant texting (which made him extremely agitated and angry towards me). he always told me he HAD to "deal with her" because "she acted like a child," and because it was easier than dealing with the "drama" of establishing a boundary. worse, he allowed her to cyber bully me and he even participated in it!

in the end, he ran back to her... .