How is it possible for BPD to be in RS without idealisation?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Well in my RS there was 3-4 months of idealisation at the start,  and I spoke with a lot of her friends etc who were always telling me how happy she was with me and that she never stopped talking about me etc.  

When our RS failed was i got devalued over the period of about a week because her behaviour had become unacceptable to me,  I didn't know she had BPD so I was basically like stop messing about here.  She had flaked on a few nights out with me at the last minute and I lost patience.  

Eventually she text me to tell me she was with bilbo baggins now.

Well I thought she was lying about that because she had always mocked this guy and actually treated him pretty bad. He was like locked in her friendzone for years.

There was no idealisation,  her friends have told me she's embarrassed to be with him,  and she's saying that they won't last etc.

Our RS was very different in that I didn't spoil her or anything she basically chased me until I agreed to get together.  He has been her lapdog for years.

Well it didn't take long for me to be painted white again. Like within a couple of weeks after all the chaos.  We are now in fairly regular contact and she has not mentioned bilbo baggins much at all,  I'm not sure if they are still "together"

It just seems odd that there was no idealisation phase.  Is this common with pwBPD?

[Infern0]

Well in my RS there was 3-4 months of idealisation at the start,  and I spoke with a lot of her friends etc who were always telling me how happy she was with me and that she never stopped talking about me etc.  

When our RS failed was i got devalued over the period of about a week because her behaviour had become unacceptable to me,  I didn't know she had BPD so I was basically like stop messing about here.  She had flaked on a few nights out with me at the last minute and I lost patience.  

Eventually she text me to tell me she was with bilbo baggins now.

Well I thought she was lying about that because she had always mocked this guy and actually treated him pretty bad. He was like locked in her friendzone for years.

There was no idealisation,  her friends have told me she's embarrassed to be with him,  and she's saying that they won't last etc.

Our RS was very different in that I didn't spoil her or anything she basically chased me until I agreed to get together.  He has been her lapdog for years.

Well it didn't take long for me to be painted white again. Like within a couple of weeks after all the chaos.  We are now in fairly regular contact and she has not mentioned bilbo baggins much at all,  I'm not sure if they are still "together"

It just seems odd that there was no idealisation phase.  Is this common with pwBPD?

[Bak86]

Sounds to me she used him just to make you jealous

[Infern0]

Sounds to me she used him just to make you jealous

Well yeah. 

But it's like she can't just give up the charade now.

[shellbent]

Well in my RS there was 3-4 months of idealisation at the start,  and I spoke with a lot of her friends etc who were always telling me how happy she was with me and that she never stopped talking about me etc.  

When our RS failed was i got devalued over the period of about a week because her behaviour had become unacceptable to me,  I didn't know she had BPD so I was basically like stop messing about here.  She had flaked on a few nights out with me at the last minute and I lost patience.  

It just seems odd that there was no idealisation phase.  Is this common with pwBPD?

This seems to be a lot like my situation. As I read somewhere, if one is a passive and quiet person in the relationship the other has to be active and loud. So I too lost my patience with her a couple times. I think she felt a lot of shame though. We got thru it, unless she was already then looking for a replacement.

The only thing here that is different, is that my ex was hiding most things about herself after our bu. She told me when we split that it was her choice, so she would let me contact her anytime I wanted and she would agree to the type of relationship I wanted to have. I still don't know what that means, just that she never initiated talking to me, but eventually had enough of the push/pull.

And in all fairness I was way to fast for her. She needed a lot of time to process these things and when I didn't get the type of response I hoped for I would get "second thoughts" then write dramatic letters to her. None of this came thru to her as I wanted it to. Eventually I told her I needed a period of NC, that is when everything went to hell. At that point I did something (in her mind) much worse than what she did to me: leave me. Even though I told her how in love I was with her and that I just needed to heal, but would always be there for her if something came up, still she shut me off completely.

Of course I follow her FB time to time and see that she is talking to guys and going out, plus her r/s status changed from single to hidden a day after she told me there is no point in putting up you are in a r/s so quickly. (Don't know if she just hid it or is in a new r/s) A part of me wishes that she would just tell me.

Some part of me holds on to the fact that she will have a lot harder time idealizing someone else because we are so much alike. I guess this is a false notion, being such vulnerable children, who are crying for attention. Since this is such a serious mental condition, I guess they can idealize almost anyone whom they see fit to give them enough attention.

I went through something similar with another girl. I was desperately trying to get over my ex and a girl was interested in getting into a r/s with me, but I felt like I shouldn't, even though I was at first sexually attracted to her. I was trying to make her seem like better r/s material in my mind, but just couldn't get to that point.

Must be really desperate with no self respect to just jump into whatever.

Your case seems like she is trying to get your attention. Not sure of how the texting went down, whether it was out of the blue, or a response to you reaching out. Hard to tell. Maybe she is trying to idealize him as an easy target, but just has a feeling it is not going to end well.

After 4 months I had a couple pleasant conversations with my ex. Of course I realize she is very guarded and doesn't seem to want to open up to me at all.

We see each other at work, and I am always the one who tries to talk to her.

Yesterday she told me she was going to a exhibition on Sunday that I too wanted to go to. I asked her who she was going with and just said "with a boy".

So strange and secretive. Still it was the first time she didn't seem distressed and was in a good mood.

I don't know if I am any color at this point or what I am to her. But I can tell that everything is always about her. It sucks that I still want to contact her, but for now I realize it is not the best thing to do.

Need to be able to let her go, and now I am just angry that I can't stop thinking about her even after 3-4 months.

A part of me thinks if we could be friends again I would be able to move on from my attachment to her. Some part of me thinks I just feel really bad for her, but I think I just still cant bare to deal with the loss I felt from her not being my gf anymore. And after talking to her I wasn't really jealous that she was going out with someone, I just wish she could remember that bond we once felt for each other. Is that even possible I wonder.

[borderdude]

When I broke up with my project, she did not have a new source quite ready , and had to go really strong to find a new really fast and became in a official RS 3 weeks after.

she did an old flame and a fast rebound , they got on/off now engaged after extreme short time.

I think our break came unexpected for her, after I did unfriend on FB  her and moved on , she was still in a FANTASY RS with me and heavily infatuated to my surprise, she suddenly had to grasp the fact it was nothing going on, think she became shocked a lot of grieving and acting ... .was it real? , dono.

Any source will do as long as it is a RS, what the person/object behind is of less importance, she cling to him and does everything in her power to stay the RS floating.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

My mother is BPD.  When I was in their care as a child - there were times my father would work in a different state and be away for months at a time.  My mother always cheated on my father during these times.  My father is a NPD - no doubt he did the same.  Anyway one thing I did notice is my mother could not be alone.  Even if it meant sleeping with a guy who was impossible to idealise.  This happened on one occasion I distinctly remember - this guy she slept with was devoid of character, intelligence and hardly photogenic in any way. I recently asked my sister about this to confirm it wasn't just a faulty memory.  She remembered this guy - remembered how non-descript he was - and simply commented that mother would sleep with anyone.  Being alone is impossible for these people.  My exuBPDgf is alone every Saturday morning after she drops her kids off with their father.  She left me for another and she is still with this guy.  But she still calls or texts me every Saturday morning.  Infact she just called me 10 minutes ago.  I don't answer.  The point is she is suffering alone now.  She can't stand it. 

[Deeno02]

A month out now after b/u. Spent a year and a half with her. Thank god i never moved in. I dont think i could have loved anyone more than her, more than i did my ex wife. After all the triggers she had, all the threats of treat me special or lose me, the final one broke me an i went NC for a week to sort it out. When i made contact, she dropped me with the " i finally figured out what i want". Found out she had been chatting up an old college buddy that  lived local and day after dumping me, shes with him. Tried to win her back with a john cusack moment, met with ridicule and insults. That was the last contact.  Been 9 days now. I guess over the last 4 months i should have seen the devaluation, guess i did but blew it off because i wanted to spend my life with this lady with 5 kids. Just sick to my stomach at times that she had zero  mourning period for me, like i didnt matter at all. That sticks with me and i feel like i dont matter at all, and never will. This by far, was worse than my divorce.

[Blimblam]

Inferno

I know you like things blunt so I will be blunt here.

Are you looking for some sort of validation because you may be considering recycling your ex?

Do you really think if you did it wouldn't result in another nervous break down?

Or perhaps validation that you were special to your ex?

[myself]

it's like she can't just give up the charade now.

Thousands of stories like that around here.

Wearing masks, playing games, and making it up as they go.

Keep being real with her, if you are. It's an antidote to illusions.

[pieceofme]

Just sick to my stomach at times that she had zero  mourning period for me, like i didnt matter at all. That sticks with me and i feel like i dont matter at all, and never will.

this is one of the worst parts for me. it is hard to be thrown away as easy as taking out the garbage.

[Nomad1027]

Inferno

I know you like things blunt so I will be blunt here.

Are you looking for some sort of validation because you may be considering recycling your ex?

Do you really think if you did it wouldn't result in another nervous break down?

Or perhaps validation that you were special to your ex?

I think many of us have struggled with the desire to recycle, even knowing it is temporary and will bring more pain.  That is part of OUR issues.

I also think we all search for some sort of validation that our relationship was special or that we were special to our ex's.  I think it is an expected reaction. We have been suddenly and unexpectedly rejected and replaced and we look for some solace or some affirmation that to them, we meant even a fraction of what they meant to us.