Question: Could my family members be BPDs explaining my attraction to them?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

  I dont know if there have been any other posts like this on here, but recently I have had this realization that my past three boyfriends all had BPD. , which explains to me everything! I thought one was a Nar.  and another a psychopath until I did a memory inventory and almost fell out of my chair.


                                    Now, Im making a big change in my life. Ive moved from Oklahoma to North Carolina where my mother and sister live.  I came for two reasons,  one to help them out with our sick Aunt who has had several strokes who has a farm with many animals I have agreed to take care of while living here.  The second reason is because this is a big farm, I own horses who need grass and I will have a better chance of meeting like minded people here in the sport horse arena.

                                     The problem is that sister has made it very very clear how much help they need here with all the animals. No problem on my side of things, how ever,  now that I am here my sister wont let go of most of the chores that I could easily do. They have a plot of land next door where my Aunt lives with them.  Its been up setting to me because she over does things for me. Its been great that her and my mother have helped me un pack and allowed me some time to get my bearing,  but whats happened is this family dynamic that went on when I was little, Im the youngest,  Its abusive,  toxic.  and now its like 10 times more intense. Im 53 years old and I get treated like Im 10 from my sister.   I cant tolerate it.

                                     It feels as if she over helps as a means to gain and keep her control and dominion of this farm over me.  Its uncanny.   My Aunt told me personally she wanted this place to go to me. It doesnt matter really, its just the principle of the thing. The land tax is so high. Who would want it?  Early on when my Aunt got sick she told me she put my name and hers on the deed together.  It came out later she only put her name. Youd think shed want help with this tax wouldnt you? Ive all ways been open and more willing to help with this.     I think to a certain degree my mom and sister are pathological liars.  They tell you things and then two later later they tell you something else. Its like huh?  This goes on and on. Its a pattern.


                        Why am I telling this story?  (I wish it was, but its real.)    I know there is some connection with the abusive male relatioships  Ive had with BPD,  and them... .  There is a huge control issue here with them.  and Ive been co -dependant to a point with all my BPD relationships.   This is getting to the core. Im right in it.  not happy about it either,  but Im going to learn whats going on and change myself for the better so I dont have to feel that my life and happiness is steered around by people with toxic problems.     

[goingtostopthis]

  I dont know if there have been any other posts like this on here, but recently I have had this realization that my past three boyfriends all had BPD. , which explains to me everything! I thought one was a Nar.  and another a psychopath until I did a memory inventory and almost fell out of my chair.


                                    Now, Im making a big change in my life. Ive moved from Oklahoma to North Carolina where my mother and sister live.  I came for two reasons,  one to help them out with our sick Aunt who has had several strokes who has a farm with many animals I have agreed to take care of while living here.  The second reason is because this is a big farm, I own horses who need grass and I will have a better chance of meeting like minded people here in the sport horse arena.

                                     The problem is that sister has made it very very clear how much help they need here with all the animals. No problem on my side of things, how ever,  now that I am here my sister wont let go of most of the chores that I could easily do. They have a plot of land next door where my Aunt lives with them.  Its been up setting to me because she over does things for me. Its been great that her and my mother have helped me un pack and allowed me some time to get my bearing,  but whats happened is this family dynamic that went on when I was little, Im the youngest,  Its abusive,  toxic.  and now its like 10 times more intense. Im 53 years old and I get treated like Im 10 from my sister.   I cant tolerate it.

                                     It feels as if she over helps as a means to gain and keep her control and dominion of this farm over me.  Its uncanny.   My Aunt told me personally she wanted this place to go to me. It doesnt matter really, its just the principle of the thing. The land tax is so high. Who would want it?  Early on when my Aunt got sick she told me she put my name and hers on the deed together.  It came out later she only put her name. Youd think shed want help with this tax wouldnt you? Ive all ways been open and more willing to help with this.     I think to a certain degree my mom and sister are pathological liars.  They tell you things and then two later later they tell you something else. Its like huh?  This goes on and on. Its a pattern.


                        Why am I telling this story?  (I wish it was, but its real.)    I know there is some connection with the abusive male relatioships  Ive had with BPD,  and them... .  There is a huge control issue here with them.  and Ive been co -dependant to a point with all my BPD relationships.   This is getting to the core. Im right in it.  not happy about it either,  but Im going to learn whats going on and change myself for the better so I dont have to feel that my life and happiness is steered around by people with toxic problems.     

[Turkish]

After many months here as a Leaver, I made my way to the Coping and Healng board. I felt almost guilty talking about my mother. A little over a month ago, my mom revealed to me that she was given subtle diagnosis of BPD by one of her therapists about 20 years ago. Knowing now what i do from being here, i see that an explicit dX would not have helped her. This explained her reaction when I shared my armchair dX of BPD regarding my Ex, "of course she's BPD!" Mind. Blown. The final piece to the puzzle.

I think most, though not all, Leavers would benefit by posting to Coping and Healing to talk about family members who have BPD traits. Maybe you can post there and talk about your family. I think you will find many of us on the same journey.

Turkish

[goingtostopthis]

I wasnt sure where to go with it.  I dont think they have BPD. I think they just have a lot of dysfunctional traits that for some reason has driven me towards these type pf people.   I not sure now what this catogory Im in is about.  I thought it was for looking at your self and though Im talking about  two family members, it really has everything to do with me and my recovery. I have to change how I deal with them and how I deal with myself. Like learning to walk away even though Im still in the same room and to take a look at my self esteem issues which my sister has been really triggering. I still dont really understand how you can think you know some body and then out of no where they change into another person and totally attack you.   My mom and sister are nothing like this. At least I have some constancy there.  It might be happening that I end up with BPD's  because I all ways get caught up in the rushing  aspect of it all.  Ive gotten taken in so easily every time. 

                     It may be a kind of escape syndrum I have, kind of looking for someone  where I can feel free to be who I am and loved for it at the same time. That's the illusion anyways. With in my family Ive felt that I have all ways been pushed and pressured to conform to what they want me to be. I can never fully be myself, but who can in a family.  I suppose Ive been subconsciouly looking for my freedom all my life., and its like Dorathy in the Wizard of Oz.  She's had those ruby slippers on the whole time. She could have gone home anytime she wanted to.  Home in the sense of personal freedom to be in my case.  This to me has a lot to do with self love. I all ways thought I had self love,  but according to how I allow my sister to trigger me  and cause me to feel like ___,  well, Im allowing it alltimatley. I cant spell today. As the saying goes:  No one can "make" you fell anything. Im allowing it, and this says to me that I need to do more work at respecting myself.

                     +It's funny,  but she was walking around my room which wasnt unpacked yet and in her weird way, by comments and doing stuff, saying you better clean out the cat box, Are you going to clean out those stalls?, youre not leaving that there are you? By the time she was through  I felt like crap., in competent and stupid.  I told her the wooded floors in m room felt greasy ,she said it must be because of the cleaning solution they used on it.   "I" said well I think Im going to just wash them with water, meaning no detergents of any kind., And she said: Well, youre not going to pour water on it are you, they are ilaminate.

                   I was insulted. Instantly I felt like I was being regarded as a 10 year old,  like I didnt know what kind of floors they are and that leaving water on them was bad.  I had a plan to get on my knees with a rug out rag and paper towels.   Anyways, that triggered me.

                   So my  point here is that I went over to their place for dinner. I had a chance to look around and she had cloths thrown all over the place. Her bathroom was a disaster area.  I couldnt believe it,  believe that she had the gull to judge me like she has when Im actually neater and better organized then she is.   Big lesson here for me.  Something she obviously likes to keep covered up about her self. Well, I know the balancing  truth now.  Before I would have been so memorized by her hen picking and so full of my own defenses I wouldnt even have noticed that.  YOu know,  the bigger picture.   The Beautiful Bigger Picture.