Broke NC please help

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Feel like hell, she texted me a week a go like if nothing has happened between us, I was NC for almost 2.5 months. I couldn't stay NC and texted her yesterday gosh, I feel like 3 tons of sh**it on top... .

She was just the same at first she was caring she called me we talked... .I tried calling her back 10 minutes after and she didn't answer and she just sent me a text saying we are in peace and that she wished me the best.

I sent her or tried to explain her by text all about BPD how she attaches to people etc etc with no answer... .

I called her today, she answered, and i asked her that if she read what I sent her, she said like ''Yeah'' with no interest... .

I told her please not to contact me again and she said ''Really''? Well ok... .I told her the same that I wished her the best and that please try and see for herself

Gosh I am like a walking dead, don't even know how I feel just wrecked... I just want to disappear... What should I do  :'(  

[bunnysc]

Feel like hell, she texted me a week a go like if nothing has happened between us, I was NC for almost 2.5 months. I couldn't stay NC and texted her yesterday gosh, I feel like 3 tons of sh**it on top... .

She was just the same at first she was caring she called me we talked... .I tried calling her back 10 minutes after and she didn't answer and she just sent me a text saying we are in peace and that she wished me the best.

I sent her or tried to explain her by text all about BPD how she attaches to people etc etc with no answer... .

I called her today, she answered, and i asked her that if she read what I sent her, she said like ''Yeah'' with no interest... .

I told her please not to contact me again and she said ''Really''? Well ok... .I told her the same that I wished her the best and that please try and see for herself

Gosh I am like a walking dead, don't even know how I feel just wrecked... I just want to disappear... What should I do  :'(  

[tim_tom]

block her

[bunnysc]

Ok, I will do that... .Man why am I so lame and don't have the power to do it... I still feel, care about her even though I told her not to contact me again... (But in the inside I do want to here from her or be with her) Its just so F*(* UP... .I just hate myself

[Skip]

She was just the same at first she was caring she called me we talked... .I tried calling her back 10 minutes after and she didn't answer and she just sent me a text saying we are in peace and that she wished me the best.

Was she was going for closure - "I'm OK, you're OK" kind of thing?   What was the gist of the first phone call.

[bunnysc]

Was she was going for closure - "I'm OK, you're OK" kind of thing?

Yes totally because on the text a week a go she said that things ended pretty bad and she wanted to see me...

When I texted her yesterday she was interested in the talk, but I was kinda like indifferent or with short answers and she wanted to know about me... .And when I let go, she became the girl I never knew... .And I got the text:

''Its fine we are in peace wish you the best''

Today I called her and she was kinda caring again with her nice voice... .  I told her please not to contact me again... .But in reality thats not what I want...

I am LOST

[tim_tom]

Ok, I will do that... .Man why am I so lame and don't have the power to do it... I still feel, care about her even though I told her not to contact me again... (But in the inside I do want to here from her or be with her) Its just so F*(* UP... .I just hate myself

Yes, well it's hard. I am fine when I don't hear from her. The minute I get a text, i descend into anxiety. If I don't respond, I worry that I'm losing a chance to get her back. If I do respond and she's nice, I get my hopes up. If she's cold, I get depressed.

The thing is though, what we are all pining for is that initial idolization phase that made us feel better then we've ever felt. But it's wasn't real, just a symptom of their disorder. It's not coming back, if it does, it will be transient and the same issues will re occur.

It's better to just cut all ties and commit to moving forward with out them. They are toxic people

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

See it for what it is.  They abandon you before you abandon them - usually by jumping into bed with another it seems.  You then go NC for survival purposes.  They experience this as abandonment - you have turned the tables on them.  So they lure you in again, in order to abandon you once more.  It is a childish game.  They are kids in adult bodies.

[bunnysc]

Yes, well it's hard. I am fine when I don't hear from her. The minute I get a text, i descend into anxiety. If I don't respond, I worry that I'm losing a chance to get her back. If I do respond and she's nice, I get my hopes up. If she's cold, I get depressed.

I feel exactly the same, its just a torture

[Skip]

Today I called her and she was kinda caring again with her nice voice... . I told her please not to contact me again... .But in reality thats not what I want... .

It's recoverable.  Closure will help.

She was trying to bring closure to it all and end things on a more constructive note.  For now she has moved beyond the emotion of the breakup.  You are still in the emotion of the breakup - its rare that both parties process at the same speed so that is normal - but can make for awkward exchanges.

If you can, take her up on the closure.  Put it all at peace with her.   Tell her you appreciate her reaching out.  Email her something positive (not personal) about her.  Make a small apology for the comments from yesterday - maybe "Sorry to make it seem so complicated yesterday" (8 words is long enough).  End with an upbeat - "let's keep in touch from time to time".

And be OK when she doesn't respond.  A not like this is closure.  Stay away from "have a nice life" or "don't contact me" or... .

Process the other feelings and thoughts of BPD here.  She not the person to have those chats with now.

[bunnysc]

It's recoverable.

She was trying to bring closure to it all and end things on a more constructive note.  For now she has moved beyond the emotion of the breakup.  You are still in the emotion of the breakup - its rare that both parties process at the same speed so that is normal.

If you can, take her up on that.  Put it all at peace with her.  Email her something positive (not personal) about her.  Tell her you appreciate her reaching out.  Make a small apology for the comments from yesterday - maybe "Sorry to make it seem so complicated yesterday" (8 words is long enough).  End with an upbeat - "let's keep in touch from time to time".

Process the other feelings and thoughts of BPD here.  She not the person to have those chats with now.

I don't have the power to do that ^, cause it will be like keeping a hope in her which is already dead ;(

[Recooperating]

Dear Bunny,

Sorry if Im filling in the blanks on your behalf... .But we all can relate here.

Im sorry to tell you, you want something that doesnt exist. You want the future you imagined with her, the dream... .But reality is, she's not that fantasy version, she is ill.

Do you love her, or do you want her to change/get help so you can be with her?

If you choose to be with her, you get all of her, the good, the bad the ugly and the nasty.

If you can do that Bunny, if you can be the emotional caretaker, if you can deal with the dysregulation then that is fine too! Take a peak at the staying board, these people are commited to making it work, they have realistic expectations and have accepted the illness of their partner. Its not an easy life, but its not impossible!

If you dont know what you do want, start with the things you dont want. Make a list and see!

The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation itself, but your thoughts about it. (Eckhart Tolle)

[Skip]

I don't have the power to do that

It's OK to feel that way.  Its all very new.  

In many ways the more controlled "do not ever contact me" ending feels less vulnerable than a softer and more ambiguous "it was good and its over" ending.  The downside is that you want to talk to her.  And, when a person has NC thrust on them, they are often motivated to wrestle that control back.

In either case, the goal is to disengage.  One has a heavy emotional imbalance that will likely be uncomfortable for both - the other is more of a letting go.

You need to choose what works for you.  One member said block her number.  That is an option too.

[tim_tom]

I don't have the power to do that ^, cause it will be like keeping a hope in her which is already dead ;(

I went out of my way to alleviate guilt from my ex. I got nothing but a thank you and further coldness from her.

I regret doing it, but honestly F her. She was abusive in the relationship, she dropped me out of the blue and went cold as ice. She's an ahole and hope she gets what's coming to her. I hope the universe repays her

[bunnysc]

Dear Bunny,

Sorry if Im filling in the blanks on your behalf... .But we all can relate here.

Im sorry to tell you, you want something that doesnt exist. You want the future you imagined with her, the dream... .But reality is, she's not that fantasy version, she is ill.

Do you love her, or do you want her to change/get help so you can be with her?

If you choose to be with her, you get all of her, the good, the bad the ugly and the nasty.

If you can do that Bunny, if you can be the emotional caretaker, if you can deal with the dysregulation then that is fine too! Take a peak at the staying board, these people are commited to making it work, they have realistic expectations and have accepted the illness of their partner. Its not an easy life, but its not impossible!

If you dont know what you do want, start with the things you dont want. Make a list and see!

The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation itself, but your thoughts about it. (Eckhart Tolle)

Thanks, Its true I want something that doesn't exist, I've always been the kind of person that feels and needs, the urge to help others even tho I am being ''Run over'' or treated bad... I still have no control over these or why I do it. I like to give my power or energy to others with the consequence of feeling like HELL after... Wrecked and in pain... .

It's OK to feel that way.  Its all very new.   Man hug

In many ways the more controlled "do not ever contact me" ending feels less vulnerable than a softer and more ambiguous "it was good and its over" ending.  The downside is that you want to talk to her.  And, when a person has NC thrust on them, they are often motivated to wrestle that control back.

In either case, the goal is to disengage.  One has a heavy emotional imbalance that will likely be uncomfortable for both - the other is more of a letting go.

You need to choose what works for you.  One member said block her number.  That is an option too.

Yes I still want to contact her be with her its just a nightmare... I just want to wake up! I can't block her NO IDEA WHY feel bad doing that 

I went out of my way to alleviate guilt from my ex. I got nothing but a thank you and further coldness from her.

I regret doing it, but honestly F her. She was abusive in the relationship, she dropped me out of the blue and went cold as ice. She's an ahole and hope she gets what's coming to her. I hope the universe repays her

Sometimes I wish to have that power  and feel that way, it would make thing so easier... But I don't I am all about emotions and feeling guilty myself 

[Skip]

Yes I still want to contact her be with her its just a nightmare... I just want to wake up! I can't block her NO IDEA WHY feel bad doing that  

There are a million complex reasons for all of your feelings.  There is time to work on it with friends here.

Right now, there is a much smaller decision - do you tidy up yesterday's contact and leave things on a more neutral basis while you sort through and process your feelings with your friends here - or do you keep it high conflict.

Thats all.

It's not a time to coach her on BPD.  You need not make any decisions about being friends.  There is no recycle in process.  You are both not in a position to reconcile.  None of these complex or threatening things are happening.

She extended an offer to make peace.  A baby step.  You can even share a draft of your intended resonse to make sure its not too long or complex.  2-5 sentences.

Interestingly - this type of move is beneficial if you want to be forever done or if you want to leave the door cracked open.

The high conflict stuff is all about attachment and scaring.

[Deeno02]

15 days N/C and counting. She was so cold to me at the B/U via text and when I tried to win her back at the gym incident, that I think shes wrote me off in every way shape and form. Im happy, but yet sad. I would just get back on the horse and stay N/C. As much as I would love to be in her life again and I miss her, I cant. The damage was done to both me and my kids. Hang in there.

[bunnysc]

There are a million complex reasons for all of your feelings.  There is time to work on it with friends here.

Right now, there is a much smaller decision - do you tidy up yesterday's contact and leave things on a more neutral basis while you sort through and process your feelings with your friends here - or do you keep it high conflict.

Thats all.

It's not a time to coach her on BPD.  You need not make any decisions about being friends.  There is no recycle in process.  You are both not in a position to reconcile.  None of these complex or threatening things are happening.

She extended an offer to make peace.  A baby step.  You can even share a draft of your intended resonse to make sure its not too long or complex.  2-5 sentences.

Interestingly - this type of move is beneficial if you want to be forever done or if you want to leave the door cracked open.

The high conflict stuff is all about attachment and scaring.

Things are neutral at the moment, I spoke with her recently. She told me she had her time and was feeling better and that she still feels about me, even for a future relationship   But I am lost, I don't want to fight, should I just remain calm and live my life with out expecting anything 

[Deeno02]

Yep... .keep moving on.

[Skip]

But I am lost, I don't want to fight, should I just remain calm and live my life with out expecting anything 

For now, yes.  Detaching from the bad emotions will make it easier to understand what you want and what is available.

[Waifed]

She just wanted to see if she still has control of you. She has likely moved on to someone else and wants to see if a backup is still in place for the future. Keep working on yourself and in time you will realize that she is not worth all the pain you are experiencing. Let her be someone else's problem. You don't need a one way relationship with anyone. A decent person would not contact you all friendly and then dismiss you like a sales call. I'm sure she was feeling something about you when she reached out and by the last time you talked she had moved on to new feelings. Your feelings do not matter to her. This is probably what hurts more than anything.

[Duped11years]

Our situation required that we end it, or cool it off anyway. Shes the one that initally said we needed to find happiness in our current lives & wished me luck & happiness. I was hurt but I experienced this last summer & also felt it was time because it was getting so nasty. So there it was, closure. 

After less than a week, where we did text cordially saying how we miss each other etc, I reached out again and she went balistic because of something I did. For revenge, she said she gave 2 bjs that day and described more. But then it was I again that reached out to get peace, she was initially sweet, wouldnt want to talk about what we should do & how, instead we had sex to shut me up & then she would rage and attack. That went on for two months, twice a week easy.

I kept going back under the guise of seeking to end it amicably (Not knowing the pain Im going through now though) but deep down i also was hoping for whatever we had to show up again.  Wont. Apparently what enrages her is that she was going on with her life, but I couldnt. She wanted to build another relationship but i couldnt. I broke it off for good recently and went NC. And now Im hurting big, wanting the woman from the idealized phase but knowing the relationship is wrong & that person doesnt exist. I would love closure but its not possible, and not having that closure compounds the hurt. So Im trying to find happiness but I cant get over her, and today is day 15 and Im so damn tempted to text. Thanks to this forum, Im battling through it