Question about our mothers

[drummerboy]

In the process of letting go, getting over my ex I've been reading quite a lot about attachment styles and also about how a BPD could etch themselves into our limbic brains so quickly and once etched, why is it so hard to get them out of our limbic brain.

When our mothers cared for us a very strong bond is etched into our limbic brain, when our mother would leave a room we often fretted that she would not come back, of coursed she always did, so that becomes the norm for us, those we love can go away but they always come back.

If we got dumped by our BPD and our mother is still alive, it will still hurt but in our subconscious we know that our mother is still there. Contrast this to the situation if our mother is no longer with us. The idealisation phase and the connections we formed with our BPD were similar to the connection we felt with our mother, we were loved unconditionally and assumed that like our mother, she would also come back. So when we got dumped and if our mother is dead, there is a gaping hole.

So my question to everyone is this. Those of us who were shattered when our BPD dumped us, is your mother alive or dead?

[maric]

Alive... .

[ajr5679]

I don`t think I have ever posted anything about my mother. I was adopted into a white family . I am native American.

my mother was just about as BPD as they get. so I was conditioned to be a lonely child. my mother was horrible to me. my adopted dad left my mother when I was eight and that is when she turned me black. she just kind of left me. I don`t ever remember my mother loving me unless I was doing something that she could brag to her friends about.

she passed away when I was 13 . I don`t remember grieving her. I just knew I had to do whatever to survive. my ex waif was just like my mother I really feel this is why I had no boundaries with her . she became my drug of choose because I could finally please my mother. this is why I went to the mental hospital because I knew no matter how hard I tried this women would never love me. I allowed her to abuse me . I allowed her to come back two years later after the nervous break down because I had try when I was healthy. what a mess.  it did not work . I now know why I did this and why I still need help.

[Turkish]

Alive. It took many months after my Ex left me for my mom to admit to me that her T 20 years ago gave her a sly, suggestive dX of BPD. Mind. Blown.

But not quite, since I had already joined the Coping and Healing board to discuss her.

FYI: my mom adopted me when I was 2.4, and she later told me that she was surpisedat how quickly I bonded with her, but was also concerned that in the beginning I never went to her for comfort when I was hurt, preferring to suffer in silence (I'm still like that). My mom was my fourth home/caregiver by that age. Aside from inborn emotional resiliency which I have (thankfully, or I may have turned out BPD), that had to have affected my brain development in some way.

[Infern0]

My mother is an interesting case and I've never really looked at it until this borderline thing happened to me as to say yeah, she's part of the problem.

As a kid my mother was often hit by my father and was always coming to me for support etc I can remember it I must have been 5 or 6 and I was in bed and my mum comes in crying and asks me to take a photo of her black eye.

Nice eh

Like I say all this had sort of been buried at the back of my mind but certainly it's put certain things into my head.  I've always had a massive weakness for women in distress. 

[Turkish]

I don`t think I have ever posted anything about my mother. I was adopted into a white family . I am native American.

my mother was just about as BPD as they get. so I was conditioned to be a lonely child. my mother was horrible to me. my adopted dad left my mother when I was eight and that is when she turned me black. she just kind of left me. I don`t ever remember my mother loving me unless I was doing something that she could brag to her friends about.

she passed away when I was 13 . I don`t remember grieving her. I just knew I had to do whatever to survive. my ex waif was just like my mother I really feel this is why I had no boundaries with her . she became my drug of choose because I could finally please my mother. this is why I went to the mental hospital because I knew no matter how hard I tried this women would never love me. I allowed her to abuse me . I allowed her to come back two years later after the nervous break down because I had try when I was healthy. what a mess.  it did not work . I now know why I did this and why I still need help.

ajr5679, my birth mother was born on the reservation, adopted out to very stable middle class white folk (both were college professors). She was an alcoholic and a drug addict. My mom got in contact with my birth aunt (also adopted) who told my mom that my birth mother likely never had a chance because she thought she was fetal alcohol syndrome. My birth mother killed herself of that around the time I was 9. My birth father was also an addict (maybe that's why I'm not good at math).

When I was a kid, both my mom (a registered nurse) and a doctor said that there were indications that my nose may have been broken as a baby. I remember some things back to when I was 2 but not that.

You endured abuse into your teen years, in addition to being orphaned, and that was so much worse.

Doing what you needed to in order to survive? I've always felt like that. Detached. X, Y, then Z needs to be done. No choice. It's how we operate. What's the alternative?

[MrFox]

My mother is still alive.

She also has BPD.  I was unaware of this until my break-up with my ex.  My step-father confessed that she had been diagnosed with it years ago.

I always knew there was something off about her, but could never put my finger on it, plus it was "normal".  Since I have been looking into myself and my family, I have come to realize that my mother set me up perfectly for a relationship with my ex.  In fact, it is kind of sickening to me to finally see how similar they are to one another.

As a child my mother often spoke about how she wished she never had children, or how she sometimes felt like getting in the car and driving away and never coming back.  About age 6 I became her psychologist.  I remember having to hold her and comfort her while she told me her problems.  She is the classic waif/hermit.  My ex is the classic waif/hermit. 

[Fluff]

My childhood was ok, no obvious abuse. My father was originally my mothers psychotherapist. After 6 months of knowing each other they thought it was a great idea to have a child, me. I consider them both messed up. I see BPD/npd in both of them. My father was a rager and my mother in need of rescuing. From the age of 10 I lived with my raging father 5 hours away from her and my sister. My father is dead but my mother is alive.

[Aussie JJ]

Interesting topic, my mother is normal in many respects.  She has "very strong healthy boundary's".  Her words, she is dependant on my father and has a very BPD like relationship with him.  She instant rages for a second then rolls her eyes like my father is all wrong and says seriously why do that,  i told you to do XYZ.  My dad enables this. 

My mum has some BPD tendencies but more narc in her.  She has cut out her mother and two sisters for the last 9 years, because it was healthy to do so.  Her mother is NPD (undiagnosed) and I believe her... . 

Thing is she has some of those behaviours as well.  Very has to be my way or the highway and over thinks things so she doesn't have to make up her mind then gets angry when you say why not do XYZ.  I found validation etc was horrid with her.  Even very basic stuff.  There is no room for truth in any statement it has to be her way.  So, I validate and agree with very open terms then do my own thing. 

I think she knows that I know as well.  She has tried to fight it at times and started asking me why I am talking to her differently.  It is only when she has a sugestion. 

Also the black and white thinking, all memememe.  Very NPD however I had her breakdown on me many times as a kid like my ex used to.  Most recently when talking about my ex she was going off at her.  I sort of stood back and said, she cant help it why be angry at her?  Why be angry at someone with the emotional development of a child.  My mother went into shame face and asked me if I thought she had no empathy and said, I do feel sad for her.  Almost with tears in her eyes. 

I have early childhood memories of my mother raging as well.  Then crying on my brother or myself, always triangulation.  It is what it is, she has some BPD behaviours and some NPD behaviours and thought patterns form what I caan see. 

Where does that leave me, struggling at the moment. 

My ex was diagnosed with BPD 4 nd a bit years ago, never told me in 100 % terms but dropped hints and when having a breakdown said I didn't understand she had BPD.  Always retracted it to bi-polar etc.  She is in denial to the extent that I doubt she will ever get help that she needs to manage it all properly.  I offered to spend cash on therapy etc even if separated instead of legal fees.  She decided that I was evil and didn't know what I was talking about and has since been doing all kinds of crazy ___ just to get at me. 

MEH. 

[Whiteytheox72]

My mom is alive and is a cold cold cold woman.

[Infern0]

Yeah I also hilariously tried talking to my mother about my ex and she just went into rage and threatened to "call her and tell her what a b___ she is" and I'm like... .I just told you she's mentally ill... .

Sigh

[Recooperating]

My dad has NPD traits, my mom is a classic codependant.

My dad didnt know how to love us since he comes from an unstable family.

I've never heard the words I love you coming out of either of their mouths. We had to "win" his affection. We had to be prestige children, i graduated with all A's but 1 B. Only thing he could say was... .Too bad about that B. He chose my college major, he wanted me to become a hot shot manager, which I did. My mom would minimize his behaviour, I can still hear her say: He doesnt mean bad... .He's not a bad man... .She lived her life for him. She never had hobbies of her own, she never had a job, she didnt have a sense of self. He used to say he had a wife for the comfort of it, in a joking way. My mom dedicated her life to be of service to him. But I cant remember them hugging or showing affection towards each other. I know my dad cheated.

As a child I would addapt my character around his moods. Always trying to figure out how to behave not to set him off and try to win affection. I would do anything to please him.

My brother and sister did too.

I cant say I had a bad childhood (apart from the sexual abuse the sitter inflicted). My parents were financially very stable. I got my license, education, clothes everything... .

They provided me with everything I needed. I have a good job and I can take care of my self.

But I cloned my mother, I became my mother in the rs with my exBPDbf... .

Working really hard now to overcome to codep traits and becoming the person I truely am.

My mom is terminally ill, breast cancer and in the last stage of her life. My dad has changed trough this experience. He is taking care of her now and has become a person I never thought he could be. Im proud of him.

[irishmarmot]

Very interesting thread.  My mother is alive.  My expwBPD was so low functioning and textbook case that I started really looking.  at myself. Every woman in my adult life has been BPD and I never saw it until now.  It all goes back to my mother who has BPD.  My younger sister had it also and I played the role of trusted rescuer to her.

[camuse]

Interesting.

Mine is alive but I almost never speak to her. When I do, she starts an argument over anything, so I avoid it now. As a result I hardly ever see my father either. It makes me sad, but I have given up trying to get on with them - she starts arguments over nothing, and he then blames me for it. I can't be bothered any more.

No idea if she is BPD, as i don't know her well enough anymore to say, but she is a cold and difficult person. My father I think I would get on with were it not for her influence.

I'm sure all this does have a connection to why I ended up in the BPD nightmare, but I can't quite explain how it all fits together.

My uBPDex often told me it was my own fault my parents don't like me, and that by not entering into arguments, she could see why they got angry with me - she'd say this in a rage when I stepped back.

[maxen]

both alive and dead. when my wife bolted last year, she was alive; this past april she died; and divorce negotiations have now begun. i certainly see how interactions with my paranoiac mother conditioned what i was willing to tolerate from my BPD wife. and i wouldn't be wholly unhappy about my mother's passing, she was relentlessly arrogant and verbally abusive and did not help, but made worse, my condition after my w's blindsiding. but the savagery of what my wife did has overshadowed and suppressed whatever grief or indeed whatever reaction at all i would have to the death. for all that, there is a frightening hole.

[Rifka]

Interesting.

Mine is alive but I almost never speak to her. When I do, she starts an argument over anything, so I avoid it now. As a result I hardly ever see my father either. It makes me sad, but I have given up trying to get on with them - she starts arguments over nothing, and he then blames me for it. I can't be bothered any more.

No idea if she is BPD, as i don't know her well enough anymore to say, but she is a cold and difficult person. My father I think I would get on with were it not for her influence.

I'm sure all this does have a connection to why I ended up in the BPD nightmare, but I can't quite explain how it all fits together.

My uBPDex often told me it was my own fault my parents don't like me, and that by not entering into arguments, she could see why they got angry with me - she'd say this in a rage when I stepped back.

This is pretty much my story as well!

I grew up attending to my mothers every whim and request. I never heard that she loved me, just that whatever I did was never good enough and she demanded more. It was abusive. I was fast enough to outrun her to avoid being slammed most times. I lived my whole childhood trying to make her happy. I learned as an adult that was not a possible project, not my job, and stopped trying. I disconnected from her and moved on with my own life. My father was rarely home and when he was, just did what she said to avoid the conflict. I never saw any love between them either. They had separate bedrooms.She was a very unhappy person, bad childhood. Her parents were divorced when she was young. She is still a miserable person.

Yes this is where it all began!

She was exhausting, even just thinking about it now!

[camuse]

Mine says openly that she regrets having kids and that i "used to be a nice little boy" i.e. I'm not nice now - not that she would know anything about me now.

I probably don't like to lose relationships because I don't have my parents to fall back on, but I think there's more to it than that - wanted to please, be admired, feel like a good person. Probably all comes from this, maybe I should talk it over with my T.

I feel myself changing now though, looking to myself for validation instead of others. Working on myself after the BPD experience has been very helpful in this.

[Bak86]

Alive and my mother is probably the sweetest woman alive. Love her very much

[Pingo]

I hope it's okay I comment on this thread, my uBPDexh didn't end the marriage, I did.  And it was when I realised that I had married my 'mother' that I knew I had to end it.  I had never heard of BPD until after the r/s ended.  And then things started to make sense.  I don't know if my mother is BPD (both my parents are still alive).  But I always knew she was a bit crazy.  She doesn't rage but she loves her silent treatments.  When I was a teen she once gave me the ST for 3 months b/c I had lied about quitting band.  She was moody, depressed and had told me when I was a very small child that she had been suicidal in the past.  She also told me all about the incest in her FOO.  I became her confidant.  Sick.  She is controlling, paints people black all the time (including myself and my siblings), is very compulsive, always starting a new crazy diet, always has some kind of ailment, always going to the Dr for tests.  She drinks a lot but is in denial about being an alcoholic, yet accuses everyone else of being an alcoholic.  She's highly anxious and worries about everything and everyone.  My father is the codependent one I guess.  He's easy going and well liked.  He gets a lot of his validation outside the marriage, mostly involved in their church.  This bugs my mother.  

I have always had a very rocky r/s with my mother over the years, going for months sometimes not speaking.  Then almost 5 yrs ago my mother tried to take over parenting my teenage daughter, decided she didn't approve of how I was handling the situation and this made me sever the r/s.  I have not spoken to her since.  She is very toxic.  I speak to my father on occasion, he is always trying to repair things but he won't stand up to her.  He figures it's his responsibility as her husband to stand by her.

I love both my parents but don't want a r/s with them, at least not right now.  This BU has exposed so many old wounds and I have a lot of healing to do before I would consider reconnecting with them.  Maybe it'll never happen.

[RedDove]

My Mother is alive, however, she abandoned the entire family when my Dad and her divorced. I have not seen or heard from her in almost 20 years.

Like others, after I ended it with my ex BPDbf and during my recovery journey, I dug deep inside to my inner child and FOO issues. As the middle child, I was the target for my mothers emotional and physical abuse. I walked on eggshells because I could do nothing right in this women's eyes. She told me I wouldn't amount to anything in life. When I cried over a break up with my first boyfriend when I was 16, she told me to stop being such a weakling and toughen up.

In recent years my Aunt (her sister) has revealed that she suffered from bipolar disorder and depression. She believes my Mother does as well. She talked about loosing their Mother (my Grandmother) and being passed around to various relatives because my Grandfather traveled so much for work and couldn't care for them. She also hinted at sexual abuse by various relatives/Uncles. My Dad also comfirmed my Mother talking about strange stories from her childhood.

Learning this has helped me to understand why I the "lonely child" was attracted and trauma bonded to my ex BPDbf, the "abandoned" child. I had been seeking approval my entire life from others. Not anymore. My inner child "little" now knows I "big" will always love her and accept and approve of her and her feelings!  

[maternal]

My mother is alive and well, and after my breakup with my dBPD ex boyfriend, I have come home to live with her.  I was in a really bad financial way, and even though I am more than capable of taking care of myself and getting back on my financial feet, I needed more than just the money help this time.

She is a lovely and selfless person, my mom. She's also exceedingly emotionally distant and while I've always had everything I needed, I lacked a LOT in the emotional needs department from my mom.  I am like her in many ways, but I recognize where I could have used a bit more love from her and also where I can be emotionally distant in my own life.  She didn't provide a lot of hugs and kisses and such, she's pretty socially awkward and very uninspired and "boring" in many respects (she has no goals or dreams and doesn't always have much to say beyond small talk).  When my father died, there wasn't much from her.  No emotion.  No support.  Love, yes, but distant, quiet, alone.  I'm fairly certain, and my therapist tends to agree, that a big part of why I even got involved with my ex is that I never fully dealt with the death of my father.  Not emotionally, anyway.  And my ex came, offering up so much love, so idealized... .that pedestal was amazing, that I almost had no other choice, emotionally... .He offered me what disappeared from my life when my father died, because my mom couldn't.

I don't dislike her or hate her, and we have a good relationship, I just recognize now, after having been away and having to now rebuild myself after my PBD relationship, that she was never really "there" for me in the emotions department.