uBPD Mother and Now Suspect uNPD Father... Like a Bad Dream

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi Everyone.  So, I first was told by a therapist that my mom may be BPD about 2 years ago.  Since participating in this forum, I strongly suspect she is and my sister has many of the traits as well.  Now, I may sound like I am getting diagnosis happy, but I am starting to suspect that my father is NPD and I I'm feeling like I am in a nightmare.  Right now, I get along with my father the most and we have a good relationship for the most part.  It has been strengthened because I am doing some work for him, so he "needs" me more, you could say.  And me being the fixer and pleaser, I willingly take on responsibility.  I know that is my fault.  Anyway, my Dad asked how I was today and I told him not so good and told him about a problem in my world and he just said nothing.  Was totally self-consumed and just expressed 0 empathy.  In fact, he has very little empathy historically.  Most of his adult life he has been concerned about his career and a workaholic.  I feel like he and I have connected more as adults because I have more understanding of the working world and he can vent to me and seek support.  But I feel like it is a one-way street.  He also has some major ego issues and always has to repeat ever single compliment he gets in detail to me to the point that it is like he is bragging and it just makes me want to puke.  He'll even repeat the same story about whatever compliment he got.  Now, he did go through a hard time that hit his self-esteem pretty bad, so some of it could be a reaction to that.  But today, when he had no time for me and 0 empathy, it just made me so angry.  I asked if I could meet him for breakfast on Saturday to discuss an important family issue with him and he complained that it cuts into his golf time.  This is after I have worked for him for many hours for FREE!  He calls me whenever he wants and I have made myself available.  Now, as I type this I know that I need to take responsibility on my end and set more boundaries.  I guess what I want to know is if any of you later came to a painful realization that the non-BPD parent is likely NPD?  It is like a double whammy! 

[Change2014]

Hi Everyone.  So, I first was told by a therapist that my mom may be BPD about 2 years ago.  Since participating in this forum, I strongly suspect she is and my sister has many of the traits as well.  Now, I may sound like I am getting diagnosis happy, but I am starting to suspect that my father is NPD and I I'm feeling like I am in a nightmare.  Right now, I get along with my father the most and we have a good relationship for the most part.  It has been strengthened because I am doing some work for him, so he "needs" me more, you could say.  And me being the fixer and pleaser, I willingly take on responsibility.  I know that is my fault.  Anyway, my Dad asked how I was today and I told him not so good and told him about a problem in my world and he just said nothing.  Was totally self-consumed and just expressed 0 empathy.  In fact, he has very little empathy historically.  Most of his adult life he has been concerned about his career and a workaholic.  I feel like he and I have connected more as adults because I have more understanding of the working world and he can vent to me and seek support.  But I feel like it is a one-way street.  He also has some major ego issues and always has to repeat ever single compliment he gets in detail to me to the point that it is like he is bragging and it just makes me want to puke.  He'll even repeat the same story about whatever compliment he got.  Now, he did go through a hard time that hit his self-esteem pretty bad, so some of it could be a reaction to that.  But today, when he had no time for me and 0 empathy, it just made me so angry.  I asked if I could meet him for breakfast on Saturday to discuss an important family issue with him and he complained that it cuts into his golf time.  This is after I have worked for him for many hours for FREE!  He calls me whenever he wants and I have made myself available.  Now, as I type this I know that I need to take responsibility on my end and set more boundaries.  I guess what I want to know is if any of you later came to a painful realization that the non-BPD parent is likely NPD?  It is like a double whammy! 

[clljhns]

Hi Change2014,

It took many years of trying to understand my mother's behavior, that I didn't give much attention to my father's role in their relationship. I first thought him to a down-trodden man, who took a great deal of abuse in silence. The classic martyr. Then when I finally parted ways with my parents, I began to reassess my father. Yes. I believe him to be NPD. He had no capacity to show love or compassion, but reveled in his intelligence and didn't miss a chance to tell any of kids how intelligent he was. Yes. He was intelligent. He actually did invent a part that would cut down on air pollution produced from burning fossil fuels. So, I give him that, but as a human being, he lacked so much. After ten years of NC, I suspect that nothing has changed.

I might suggest to you that talking with dad about mom's problems will not get the results you want. Empathy. He probably already knows her problems, and is getting his needs met through a person who is such a mess. I think NPD's love BPD's  because they have someone that they can compare themselves to, and come to the conclusion that they are better put together, therefore, they are better. It is kind of a sick way to get your ego stroked, but it works for them. I remember telling my dad that he liked my mother the way she was, because then she was much easier to manipulate. My dad would communicate to us kids through her. So he clearly pulled the strings.

Do you have someone that provides you with the support you need? Someone that you can share anything with? I would agree that setting some firm boundaries with dad is in order. How terrible it is to give so much of yourself, willingly, and unconditionally, without receiving that in return.

Wishing you all the best.

Peace and blessings. 

[Harri]

Hi Change.  There are several posters here who have NPD BPD parents.  NPDs are often the perfect compliment to BPDs.  I am not sure what PD my father was or whether he started off less damaged prior to his marriage and became worse over the 46 years of abuse.  He was definitely struggling with his own issues though.  I do struggle with the 'non' parent aspect of this.  When i am at my most honest with myself, I do not believe there is anything such thing as the 'healthy' parent in such a relationship, unless of course they are actively working on their self and their own issues. 

It sounds like it is time for you to actively start putting yourself first rather than being so available to your father.  Have you thought of specific ways you might be able to do this?

[Tiredbride313]

Hi change. I can certainly relate. Growing up, my mother could be very sweet and loving, but she was also very controlling of me and an emotional time bomb. When she felt slighted in any way, she would go off on these rages until she was placated. My father is very much like yours - cold, aloof, no empathy, and very into himself... I thought we had a decent relationship when I became an adult, but I really only suited a purpose for him - he would brag about my accomplishments like they were his own, and he just saw me as someone who would deal with my mother so he wouldn't have to.

Things went south when I became engaged. My mother totally lost it and started saying and doing horrible things to me and my now husband. My father acted like he was on my side at first - but when he realized I wasn't going to let them walk all over me, he changed his tune and became very cruel and manipulative. He never had the nerve to say things to my face. It was always over email or letter. He even went so far as to disown me (multiple times) and tell me he didn't care about my future, health, or happiness. My only purpose in life was to serve them. I put myself and my marriage first and have gone NC with them. They were not at my wedding and the last few months have been a period of reflection and personal growth. Its not easy and I still think about them and how things could have been different if they weren't this way. But I have wonderful family in my husband, his family, and our friends. They love me for me. And I can live my life in peace.

My therapist told me that the NPD/BPD couple is not uncommon. She suspects my uBPD mother is a product of my uNPD father - that he controlled and isolated her to the point where it manifested itself as BPD. I do see how these two personalities can feed off each other. It's important that you put yourself first. Having a support system of friends or other family members is key. Setting clear boundaries with your parents and communicating what you will and won't tolerate is so important and there are good tips on that on these boards. Its not easy, but your emotional and physical health will be so much better for it in the long term.

Wishing you the best! You aren't alone!

[HappyChappy]

Sorry to hear about your situation, it does sound tricky. Your farther wasn’t being very considerate. I have a BPD mom and NPD bro. There was a recent study that showed, researchers were able to diagnose NPD in men by studying only their appearance. Basically a NPD will put a lot of effort into their appearance, so is prone to: body building, plucking eyebrows, buying expensive cloths among other things. A NPD male is unlikely to wear glasses. This is all true of my NPD.

Another tell tail sign is a sense of arrogance, an assertion of superiority. Also a NPD has a strong sense of entitlement. So they must sit at the head of the table, they must be served first, have the biggest plate of food etc... .A BPD doesn’t have this sense of entitlement.  Another test is to ask the NPD how they feel, they will see this as an attack and will avoid answering. A NPD is very guarded over giving out personal information out, even to his wife. However, a BPD is very keen to get information out of you, so when a NPD and BPD get together, although the BPD is attracted to the NPD, they tend to clash big time.   :)My BPD mom and NPD bro, had the mother of all fights, almost every other day. Screaming kicking shouting, threats, all the time. The BPD normally wins over. Hope that helps, and well done surviving such as mix, a BPD and NPD, double trouble, I know.

[Change2014]

Thank you everyone for your responses.

Clijhns - You described exactly why I think my father likes being with my UBPD mother.  He is able to boost himself up by pointing out all her flaws.  You are right, it is very sick.

Harri - I have decided that I basically need to be less available to my father's calls... .and establish some boundaries.  I have to stop being so immediately responsive.  I also have recently told him that I will not be taking care of my mother (when she will require home care).  I have given him information on a good insurance plan for such a situation and I have decided I can lead a horse to water, but can't make him drink.  I've done my part.

Tiredbride313 - My father is similar to yours in that he would brag about me, which was unbeknownst to me, and I think it was more about his ego.  He was in a weird (probably still is) competitive thing with his brother and they both brag about their children.  My father also expects me to deal with my mother for him and take care of things.  The ___ always lands on me.  And I told him I am done.  I am not taking on any caregiver responsibility in the future.  I can't imagine how hard it was for your going through that with your parents before your wedding.  Good for you for taking control of a very difficult situation and finding peace!

HappyChappy - Funny you should mention NPD don't usually wear glasses.  My father wears glasses, but has to buy many pairs of the most expensive kind.  LOL.  He tends to think material things are going to make him happy.  The entitlement you describe is definitely there.  He loves to be waited on hand and foot and must always sit in a certain chair at a table.  I thought these were just little quirks, but you are right, they are very self-centered and reek of entitlement.  Also, he does get defensive as you describe sometimes when I ask him how he is doing, especially if he is not in the best place.  He refuses to admit when something is bothering him and goes into denial.