Dream Interpretation -- Jung Anyone?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So I had a dream last night and wanted to document it if only to make sense of it... .

Two key parts.

1.) I remember my dreams almost every night. This one rattled me enough that it shot me out of a dead sleep.

2.) I have a recurring dream where I'm in the back seat of a car and no on is driving the car. I'm desperately trying to reach forward to grab the wheel of the car and can't. I feel like I often have this dream when I feel like I'm out of control.

So the dream... .

The dream was occurring when I was 15. I felt 15 in my dream.

Where I went to highschool, we were on a military base and every once in a while, there would be increased security on the base --- even sometimes it being locked down. There were instances when we would all literally have to get off the school bus as they searched the bus with 30+ kids standing on the side of the road.

So this happened and there we were standing on the side of the road, not even a mile from the school.

I had forgotten some book on the bus and I planned to sneak onto the bus, and as I opened the back of the bus -- the driver was sitting there waiting for me. Good loocking guy (sort of, he looked like Jim Carrey) holding one of my papers (wrapped in a Ziploc bag?) with a Cheshire grin on his face.  Wouldn't look me in the eye and he says "Is this what you're looking for". I replied that it actually wasn't but that I needed a book. And he told me "well, you can have this or nothing". I snapped at him, "fine, whatever. I'm not that worried about it" and proceeded to start to get back off the bus. He then apologized, told me I could get back on and that he'd grab the book for me.

And he did. He told me to take a seat and he proceeded to slide into the seat with me. We were in the back corner of the bus and I had no where else to go. I wasn't afraid though. I also didn't feel a desperation like I've experienced in my dreams before -- to get away, to grab the wheel, to scream. I felt nothing but a curiosity as to "what's happening?"

So then in dream world, he started the bus (from the back seat-- I know, weird) and we started to drive away.

And then we just talked. I don't even remember about what, but then suddenly the bus was pulled over by the military police and he clearly went into a panic. All he kept saying was "How is this going to look?" He then oddly enough kept telling me that everything was going to be okay and that he was so grateful for me listening to him (I seriously can not remember the conversation). The police officer (whose face I can see vividly in my mind down to the pimple on his chin) very aggressively pulled him from the bus and handcuffed him ---- and as clear as day I can remember the bus driver's face looking at me and him mouthing to me "I'm so sorry".

I felt nothing but confusion and misunderstanding. All I kept thinking was that he didn't deserve to be treated so poorly.

And my eyes shot open with every emotion very fresh in my nervous system. Sadness, confusion, realization.  

______________

 

I'm a little choked up in writing that because as I write it out, it helps me make better sense I think.

I'm not in therapy anymore and I feel like I've reached a point where I don't feel the need to tell my sad story all the time. I also don't know where else to express this but to my anonymous friends. Not because I'm ashamed, but just because I don't need to express it like I once did. I don't need an emergency appointment with a therapist.

It didn't happen last night or 20 minutes ago, but over a period of months, heartache and more time --- I think I've learned to let go of the real "bus driver" in my life who has always seemed to have some kind of hold (control) over my life since I was a little girl. The man who shattered my boundaries at a young age and who shaped the way I viewed love/sex/relationships -- which was a pretty dysfunctional view. It crossed my wires like it does for most young girls who learn that being admired and trusting someone can lead to dark places.

And that's OK.

It's OK that I didn't understand. It's OK that it happened. It's OK that I was vulnerable to him because I was never taught any different. It's OK that I loved him in a way that a young girl cares about this kind of person. It's also OK that I do forgive him.  And where I used to want him to just be sorry --- for screwing me up, for causing a black hole of darkness that was my childhood, and even to be sorry for just being gone one day --- I no longer need that.

When I looked at the driver's face in my dream, I realized that I felt confused because I couldn't figure out what he was really sorry for. I didn't need him to be sorry and I didn't need him to make it all OK. I also realize that I don't need to feel like that police officer arresting him in my dream to be "normal". I don't need to hate him. I don't need to be disgusted with him. I accept that it just happened and it was beyond any of my control. Especially at 9 years old.  

And it's OK to trust someone. To love someone. To forgive him. To be open to him. And that every step and misstep is just the path I'm taking. That love doesn't equal hurt. It really, really doesn't.

Perhaps it's because I'm finally beginning to realize that I am the person I am. That's it. Me.

And I'm really, really starting to be OK with that person. In all her glory.

[DreamGirl]

So I had a dream last night and wanted to document it if only to make sense of it... .

Two key parts.

1.) I remember my dreams almost every night. This one rattled me enough that it shot me out of a dead sleep.

2.) I have a recurring dream where I'm in the back seat of a car and no on is driving the car. I'm desperately trying to reach forward to grab the wheel of the car and can't. I feel like I often have this dream when I feel like I'm out of control.

So the dream... .

The dream was occurring when I was 15. I felt 15 in my dream.

Where I went to highschool, we were on a military base and every once in a while, there would be increased security on the base --- even sometimes it being locked down. There were instances when we would all literally have to get off the school bus as they searched the bus with 30+ kids standing on the side of the road.

So this happened and there we were standing on the side of the road, not even a mile from the school.

I had forgotten some book on the bus and I planned to sneak onto the bus, and as I opened the back of the bus -- the driver was sitting there waiting for me. Good loocking guy (sort of, he looked like Jim Carrey) holding one of my papers (wrapped in a Ziploc bag?) with a Cheshire grin on his face.  Wouldn't look me in the eye and he says "Is this what you're looking for". I replied that it actually wasn't but that I needed a book. And he told me "well, you can have this or nothing". I snapped at him, "fine, whatever. I'm not that worried about it" and proceeded to start to get back off the bus. He then apologized, told me I could get back on and that he'd grab the book for me.

And he did. He told me to take a seat and he proceeded to slide into the seat with me. We were in the back corner of the bus and I had no where else to go. I wasn't afraid though. I also didn't feel a desperation like I've experienced in my dreams before -- to get away, to grab the wheel, to scream. I felt nothing but a curiosity as to "what's happening?"

So then in dream world, he started the bus (from the back seat-- I know, weird) and we started to drive away.

And then we just talked. I don't even remember about what, but then suddenly the bus was pulled over by the military police and he clearly went into a panic. All he kept saying was "How is this going to look?" He then oddly enough kept telling me that everything was going to be okay and that he was so grateful for me listening to him (I seriously can not remember the conversation). The police officer (whose face I can see vividly in my mind down to the pimple on his chin) very aggressively pulled him from the bus and handcuffed him ---- and as clear as day I can remember the bus driver's face looking at me and him mouthing to me "I'm so sorry".

I felt nothing but confusion and misunderstanding. All I kept thinking was that he didn't deserve to be treated so poorly.

And my eyes shot open with every emotion very fresh in my nervous system. Sadness, confusion, realization.  

______________

 

I'm a little choked up in writing that because as I write it out, it helps me make better sense I think.

I'm not in therapy anymore and I feel like I've reached a point where I don't feel the need to tell my sad story all the time. I also don't know where else to express this but to my anonymous friends. Not because I'm ashamed, but just because I don't need to express it like I once did. I don't need an emergency appointment with a therapist.

It didn't happen last night or 20 minutes ago, but over a period of months, heartache and more time --- I think I've learned to let go of the real "bus driver" in my life who has always seemed to have some kind of hold (control) over my life since I was a little girl. The man who shattered my boundaries at a young age and who shaped the way I viewed love/sex/relationships -- which was a pretty dysfunctional view. It crossed my wires like it does for most young girls who learn that being admired and trusting someone can lead to dark places.

And that's OK.

It's OK that I didn't understand. It's OK that it happened. It's OK that I was vulnerable to him because I was never taught any different. It's OK that I loved him in a way that a young girl cares about this kind of person. It's also OK that I do forgive him.  And where I used to want him to just be sorry --- for screwing me up, for causing a black hole of darkness that was my childhood, and even to be sorry for just being gone one day --- I no longer need that.

When I looked at the driver's face in my dream, I realized that I felt confused because I couldn't figure out what he was really sorry for. I didn't need him to be sorry and I didn't need him to make it all OK. I also realize that I don't need to feel like that police officer arresting him in my dream to be "normal". I don't need to hate him. I don't need to be disgusted with him. I accept that it just happened and it was beyond any of my control. Especially at 9 years old.  

And it's OK to trust someone. To love someone. To forgive him. To be open to him. And that every step and misstep is just the path I'm taking. That love doesn't equal hurt. It really, really doesn't.

Perhaps it's because I'm finally beginning to realize that I am the person I am. That's it. Me.

And I'm really, really starting to be OK with that person. In all her glory.

[Blimblam]

Wow that's a big step in your dreams.

The chechire grin is just that the trickster. When you stand up to the trickster you move foreward in your dream processing. So the feeling of fear has now transferred to pitty. And now the fear has been transferred to a third party the cops.

Now you are dealing with your emotions for pitty for the trickster which is a large source of confusion in your life.

I just recommend staying with these emotions and taking note of the images or energies you see in your daily life and what emotions they trigger in you because now after this break through they may have changed.

I would think this may activate your inner rescuer in relationship to men in general so this may be how you get sucked back into the cycle of dysfunction. Just a warning.

I find taking a sort of third party stance when I feel myself triggered by someone in life then staying with the emotions but not acting on them and embracing them fully to push me forward in my dreams.

When I enter a confusion state i typically need to become aware of my new set of projections in life and corresponding image triggers before I move foreward in my dreams.

Whoever the new "them" is, is typically the new image of either fear or the trickster.

I'm not sure but it could be that now the cops are fear and the trickster is the victim mode of the bus driver. The trickster always "speaks" in half truths that appeal to the mask of your inner lonely child.

The mask I found myself wearing is the white knight rescuer fixer.

[Blimblam]

What was revealed to me the other day by the trickster in half truths is that the victem and the rescuer are two corresponding halves of the trickster. And that the rescuer is a narcissist. The helper is a narcissist. The victim is the lonely child confused and in a stance that triggers the lonely child to ignore their own issues. Their was more revealed to me but it's still sort of confusing. I don't remember my dreams that well.

I have a hard time explaining this. But it's like in Peter Pan when he chases his shadow. Our inner child projects the shadow of what we seek. In this case we see a victim and it triggers our inner recuer. The trick is that we are that our inner child that needs recusing is outside ourself and then we give the energy we need for ourself be rescuing another. That's how the trickster works.

I hope this makes sense it's still foggy to me and I am trying to make sense of it myself.

The trickster splits two corresponding halves and projects.

So in waking life recognizing that projection as yourself and then identifying the fear trigger the fear trigger tends to be who you envy/hate. When I embraced sadistic revenge emotions but did not act on them I guess it sort of embraced the dark aspects of my fears.  Then all the roles were shifted and now I'm confused again.

[fromheeltoheal]

OK, amateur dream analysis: you are the bus, the pure innocent girl is your innocence and purity, the bus driver is the executive adult you, and the cops are those who trespass against you.  The adult you and the girl you are getting along and care about each other, the adult's motives are pure, although the girl is confused.  The adult you gets busted (so to speak), leaving the girl in you to wonder what the hell is going on, and the adult you is apologizing for not protecting the innocence of the girl you.

One man's hallucination.  And if the bus was yellow, don't make it mean you're chicken.