BPD & OLD AGE- Do they get better without help?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Now, I am not talking about the extreme side of BPD were they physically want to harm themselves etc.  I do know that can be improved.  I am talking more about the relational side of this.

I am asking on this board since many are in relationships, some at and older age. 

I was with my EXBPDgf of over 2 1/2 years she was 58 when I met her, and 61 when I finally left.  She did pretty much all of it.

She Rage out of control without warning, over stuff like my hair was too long. (Not even over my ears) or I wanted to take her on vacation (But she was looking for a job) so she raged at that, and these rages involved even hitting while driving the car, or starting a fight with a guy in a restaurant holding seats for his friends, things like that, and of course the ever wonderful, blaming me for this or that, or I can't even do this, or saying things or accsuing me of things I never said. 

She use to go to a 12 step program Child of Alocholic parents, but eventually somehow got kicked out of there.  She quiet bright, and attractive, and Knows all the guidlines and rules of twelve step program and CO-Dependency.  Doesn't live it but does practice at times when convienent. . 

She even mentioned a few times to just validate her, and really I was a novice and had no idea, but usually did say, I sorry you feel that way.  I didn't know about SET, but highly suspect after 1 year she was BPD.

Anyway, the IFs,  After 3 failed marriages, 4 engagement, and some guys before me and our 2 1/2 year romance , she most likely on to another, since she is very attractive and well built.  But we did have corresposndence 4-5 months ago and she seem to wanted me back.  At one point she begged me.  I almost did.

I know I shouldn't since we broke up several times, mostly her, and finally by me because I was so exhausted and worn out, and the last straw was catching her very active on a dating site, (We were exclusive) and her refusing to get off, saying I can't tell her what to say or do.   Sort a real slap in the face.  No remorse, no feeling for me, yet she still wanted to be with me, but I wasn't going to stick around for my replacement. 

Actually after typing this, I feel stupid asking this question since she treated me so badly. (Sickness or not)  It doesn't matter. 

But do they get better with age?  Do they learn something after each break up.  I mean , I know she wept tears, and did it before, and well, yes, it didn't mean much, since she actually devalued me even more once I was back , but do they get better, or just wishful thinking, like I can come back, and things woudl be better.  Yes, I know I would have to change quite a bit regardless and real apply SET and other tactics to gain peace. 

Gee, then again, even writing this seems awful to even try, like so so risky to be chopped up again. but she , like others I heard made us feel so alive.  It's probably due to the BPD, the good & bad parts.  I know it could never be a normal relationship. 

It's been 2 months N/C and 14 months not seeing her.  But I guess, I am having a weak moment or rationalizing or hanging on.  Not good!  I guess at age 61 if she could control herself then , 62 not going to be much better.   

[outside9x]

Now, I am not talking about the extreme side of BPD were they physically want to harm themselves etc.  I do know that can be improved.  I am talking more about the relational side of this.

I am asking on this board since many are in relationships, some at and older age. 

I was with my EXBPDgf of over 2 1/2 years she was 58 when I met her, and 61 when I finally left.  She did pretty much all of it.

She Rage out of control without warning, over stuff like my hair was too long. (Not even over my ears) or I wanted to take her on vacation (But she was looking for a job) so she raged at that, and these rages involved even hitting while driving the car, or starting a fight with a guy in a restaurant holding seats for his friends, things like that, and of course the ever wonderful, blaming me for this or that, or I can't even do this, or saying things or accsuing me of things I never said. 

She use to go to a 12 step program Child of Alocholic parents, but eventually somehow got kicked out of there.  She quiet bright, and attractive, and Knows all the guidlines and rules of twelve step program and CO-Dependency.  Doesn't live it but does practice at times when convienent. . 

She even mentioned a few times to just validate her, and really I was a novice and had no idea, but usually did say, I sorry you feel that way.  I didn't know about SET, but highly suspect after 1 year she was BPD.

Anyway, the IFs,  After 3 failed marriages, 4 engagement, and some guys before me and our 2 1/2 year romance , she most likely on to another, since she is very attractive and well built.  But we did have corresposndence 4-5 months ago and she seem to wanted me back.  At one point she begged me.  I almost did.

I know I shouldn't since we broke up several times, mostly her, and finally by me because I was so exhausted and worn out, and the last straw was catching her very active on a dating site, (We were exclusive) and her refusing to get off, saying I can't tell her what to say or do.   Sort a real slap in the face.  No remorse, no feeling for me, yet she still wanted to be with me, but I wasn't going to stick around for my replacement. 

Actually after typing this, I feel stupid asking this question since she treated me so badly. (Sickness or not)  It doesn't matter. 

But do they get better with age?  Do they learn something after each break up.  I mean , I know she wept tears, and did it before, and well, yes, it didn't mean much, since she actually devalued me even more once I was back , but do they get better, or just wishful thinking, like I can come back, and things woudl be better.  Yes, I know I would have to change quite a bit regardless and real apply SET and other tactics to gain peace. 

Gee, then again, even writing this seems awful to even try, like so so risky to be chopped up again. but she , like others I heard made us feel so alive.  It's probably due to the BPD, the good & bad parts.  I know it could never be a normal relationship. 

It's been 2 months N/C and 14 months not seeing her.  But I guess, I am having a weak moment or rationalizing or hanging on.  Not good!  I guess at age 61 if she could control herself then , 62 not going to be much better.   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

The only thing age has done for my dBPDex is refine her seduction skills.  She is only 31 but still a trainwreck.  She is barely 3 months into life with my replacement (moved in with him after one date, two weeks after cancelling our engagement) and she is already making facebook posts about needing to feel physical pain.  If anything I think the unaddressed baggage and guilt from a lifetime of bad decisions is taking a toll.  I hope she doesn't begin cutting again, sonething she resolved previously with CBT.

[outside9x]

WOW,   I am so sorry to hear that, and for your pain.  I know you must have loved her dearly,  I know we all do, but she really has issues that are very physical in nature as well as emotional.   

I wish you peace and just the best.  I think like me, we just need to move on and help ourselves. 

Take care!

[ReluctantSurvivor]

WOW,   I am so sorry to hear that, and for your pain.  I know you must have loved her dearly,  I know we all do, but she really has issues that are very physical in nature as well as emotional.   

I wish you peace and just the best.  I think like me, we just need to move on and help ourselves. 

Take care!

Thank you for the kind words.  I know she has deep issues. I also know there is nothing I can do right now to help her.  I hope that she finds the way to therapy.  I still care deeply about her well being.  With that being said, you are absolutly right about moving on.  I am slowly rebuilding my own life.  I am able to stay distracted with work, night school, daily gym visits, time with family and bi-monthly therapy sessions.

Not to derail the thread too much -  I personally think that improvement over time without help is unlikely.  BPD is about the inability to cope, their lives are a hot/cold series of coping mechanisms that bring temporary relief.  Once the latest escape mechanism fades they are faces with the same core issues now with the added weight of any shame from the latest acts of escape.  It is heart-breaking.  I know that my ex is a sweetheart but a lifetime of pain and abuse has left her running and grasping for any relief.

[outside9x]

For my two cents and limited knowledge.

Now, I was only with her 2 1/2 years but I heard enough stories from her about hatred for her father and family and I believe that probably both parents were unable to give her unconditional love, her Mom has mental problems.  Never met her, she wouldn't let me, and she would only see her twice a year .    She hates all her sisters, too, her only brother so I never met anyone from the family except the daughters.  The whole family, including uncles, aunts etc she says hates her.   Its a shame and her one sister was trying to reach out and she would tear her up on the phone, and then cry and accusing her of being jealous and wanting to just get information out of her to tell the family? Huh?

When I first met her she was donating her time to Loaves & fishes, going to church, in a support group, carring a rosary everywhere.  That all dropped after 5-6 months.  After we broke up, and I visited her FB page (I no longer do) You would though you were reading from Mother Theresa FB page.   She does reinvent herself.  She is determined.

Anyway, leaving her months before she turned 62, I have to agreed that for the most part they don't change , because she has burned plenty of relationships (except her daughters, but one is shaky) and she has no real friends, but she can turn on the charm and belong to book groups, or theater groups but it's a once in awhile kinda of thing, so like someone said, they can handle people pretty well, just not in any kinda of relationship, or consistent basis, her only friend, she dumped over something real stupid and told me she doesn't need friends that bad.  Scary!

Maybe someone can overcome their BPD as they get old if they seek help and see the need, but I think of course with her countless enhancing surgeries and most recent Face, chin, neck, and eyelid lift , she still can demand a supply so for her, probably no need to change, because there is no bottom yet.   Sad

[ReluctantSurvivor]

For my two cents and limited knowledge.

Now, I was only with her 2 1/2 years but I heard enough stories from her about hatred for her father and family and I believe that probably both parents were unable to give her unconditional love, her Mom has mental problems.  Never met her, she wouldn't let me, and she would only see her twice a year .    She hates all her sisters, too, her only brother so I never met anyone from the family except the daughters.  The whole family, including uncles, aunts etc she says hates her.   Its a shame and her one sister was trying to reach out and she would tear her up on the phone, and then cry and accusing her of being jealous and wanting to just get information out of her to tell the family? Huh?

When I first met her she was donating her time to Loaves & fishes, going to church, in a support group, carring a rosary everywhere.  That all dropped after 5-6 months.  After we broke up, and I visited her FB page (I no longer do) You would though you were reading from Mother Theresa FB page.   She does reinvent herself.  She is determined.

Anyway, leaving her months before she turned 62, I have to agreed that for the most part they don't change , because she has burned plenty of relationships (except her daughters, but one is shaky) and she has no real friends, but she can turn on the charm and belong to book groups, or theater groups but it's a once in awhile kinda of thing, so like someone said, they can handle people pretty well, just not in any kinda of relationship, or consistent basis, her only friend, she dumped over something real stupid and told me she doesn't need friends that bad.  Scary!

Maybe someone can overcome their BPD as they get old if they seek help and see the need, but I think of course with her countless enhancing surgeries and most recent Face, chin, neck, and eyelid lift , she still can demand a supply so for her, probably no need to change, because there is no bottom yet.   Sad

I think that is a pretty accurate assessment.  After mine split with me I barely recognized her, she was a completely different person.  She is extremely high functioning... .or maybe I am just oblivious, .  She hasn't improved emotionally but I think after our r/s she is at least more stable financially.  She is making more now than ever before although she seems to lack the ability to build a stable home.  She is more comforterable making herself part of other peoples nests. 

  I brought a female friend over to the house I still live in that we shared (and she still has crap left here) and she found it odd that there was no decorating and such done by her.  Just an interesting female observation.

  As far as long term friends, she has one who she keeps pretty distant and who also happens to be a very calm and level guy.  All her other friends I met over my two years with her were a constant carosel of new people or at best old aquaintences she sees 3 times a year.

  The sad part is the honest opinions I hear about her since our split.  People who have been in similar circles have a very poor opinion of her.  It seems she has a long history of leaving a trail of broken men.

  As far as her family, she is on speaking terms with her sister and uncle.  She hates her mother (likely BPD, abandonned her and sister when she was 1) and she avoids her father (history of physical abuse, schitzophrenic).  TBH given her childhood environment it is a miracle she functions at all.

[HowCouldYou]

I can say that my BPDW got worse just as the last of children left for college. That coupled with pre menopause, and her getting off of her anti depressant, affected her and she acted out in a major HPD fashion. She had a secret life online getting valued for her sexiness by many, many men half her age in exchange for cybersex.

That was a few years ago and I have been recovering from the betrayal without help from her ever since.

Now I see more and more BPD rages and push/pull than ever before. I hope that it gets better after menopause but I am not counting on it.