It's been a month, my feelings of grief and loss

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

In the end she abandoned me and went back to the cocaine binges and her old life of abusive men.

As someone sober who's been there, you know the pull the powder has; been there, done that myself.  Could part of the drive to 'save her' come from the same place you went to save yourself?  Could your 'addiction' to the fantasy that is her be a transferred addiction from the chemicals?

Not sure I am understanding this correct.

Which part?

[fromheeltoheal]

In the end she abandoned me and went back to the cocaine binges and her old life of abusive men.

As someone sober who's been there, you know the pull the powder has; been there, done that myself.  Could part of the drive to 'save her' come from the same place you went to save yourself?  Could your 'addiction' to the fantasy that is her be a transferred addiction from the chemicals?

Not sure I am understanding this correct.

Which part?

[CloseToFreedom]

I know I shouldn't do it, but had a tiny bit of contact on whatsapp today.

Me: Can you let me know when you're picking up your post?

She: My mother will be in contact with you for that.

Me: Alright. How you've been?

She: Fine! You?

Me: Yeah fine, although I do miss you sometimes.

She: Oh. I don't know what I can say about that.

Me: That's alright, I wanted to ask you how you've been and since you've asked it back, I wanted to answer it truthfully.

She: Ok.

It's obvious I still have feelings, like a normal human being after a relationship of 4,5 years. She perhaps has them too, but won't show them. And that's her right. I don't know why I do this to myself. Its part trying to get validation, answers, or something. And part hope. The past 9 times we broke up, we would always get back together. She seems to be sticking to the plan of not getting back together this time though. And I truly know its for the best. But it also hurts so much.

[NYMike]

In the end she abandoned me and went back to the cocaine binges and her old life of abusive men.

As someone sober who's been there, you know the pull the powder has; been there, done that myself.  Could part of the drive to 'save her' come from the same place you went to save yourself?  Could your 'addiction' to the fantasy that is her be a transferred addiction from the chemicals?

Not sure I am understanding this correct.

Which part?

All of it...

[fromheeltoheal]

In the end she abandoned me and went back to the cocaine binges and her old life of abusive men.

As someone sober who's been there, you know the pull the powder has; been there, done that myself.  Could part of the drive to 'save her' come from the same place you went to save yourself?  Could your 'addiction' to the fantasy that is her be a transferred addiction from the chemicals?

Not sure I am understanding this correct.

Which part?

All of it...

Well, it's common in sobriety to trade one addiction for another; quit drinking and become addicted to AA meetings, or to work, or fitness, or helping other people, or caffeine, or pot, the list goes on and on but the underlying reason is the same: chasing something external to ourselves to try and fill up the empty hole in us.  Taking on a borderline and her needs to try and fill up that hole, give ourselves a sense of worth, feel loved is just like any other addiction.  And then, if we've already found sobriety from the chemicals, 'saving' someone from those same chemicals can feel virtuous and right, while filling up that hole and letting us feel love.  Help any?

[NYMike]

In the end she abandoned me and went back to the cocaine binges and her old life of abusive men.

As someone sober who's been there, you know the pull the powder has; been there, done that myself.  Could part of the drive to 'save her' come from the same place you went to save yourself?  Could your 'addiction' to the fantasy that is her be a transferred addiction from the chemicals?

Not sure I am understanding this correct.

Which part?

All of it...

Well, it's common in sobriety to trade one addiction for another; quit drinking and become addicted to AA meetings, or to work, or fitness, or helping other people, or caffeine, or pot, the list goes on and on but the underlying reason is the same: chasing something external to ourselves to try and fill up the empty hole in us.  Taking on a borderline and her needs to try and fill up that hole, give ourselves a sense of worth, feel loved is just like any other addiction.  And then, if we've already found sobriety from the chemicals, 'saving' someone from those same chemicals can feel virtuous and right, while filling up that hole and letting us feel love.  Help any?

Yes.My life is so empty and I took on this woman and all her problems.She had so many problems from her cocaine addiction.I took a liking to her and had this fantasy to ''save'' her and live happily ever after being sober with her.

My knight in Shining Armour was in full affect and I killed myself to help and love her.It filled me with a purpose and I became addicted to her mess of a life.It filled me with a sence of purpose and made me feel good.In the end she spit on me and turned on me.

I still ask myself why.Why would she toss away the only guy that gave her so much and believed in her.?... How can she not miss me for all the love and support I gave her.?.To me I thought she would appreciate a good man that loved her and supported her life and recovery.I was the only sober loving man she ever had.She tossed all this away to go back to the crazy world she is used to and the crazy men.This hurts a lot.

In the end she has painted me black,she seems to hate me and tells the world I am no good and ill.That just hurts because I gave 100% to her,the dog and her daughter.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes.My life is so empty and I took on this woman and all her problems.She had so many problems from her cocaine addiction.I took a liking to her and had this fantasy to ''save'' her and live happily ever after being sober with her.

My knight in Shining Armour was in full affect and I killed myself to help and love her.It filled me with a purpose and I became addicted to her mess of a life.It filled me with a sence of purpose and made me feel good.In the end she spit on me and turned on me.

I still ask myself why.Why would she toss away the only guy that gave her so much and believed in her.?... How can she not miss me for all the love and support I gave her.?.To me I thought she would appreciate a good man that loved her and supported her life and recovery.I was the only sober loving man she ever had.She tossed all this away to go back to the crazy world she is used to and the crazy men.This hurts a lot.

In the end she has painted me black,she seems to hate me and tells the world I am no good and ill.That just hurts because I gave 100% to her,the dog and her daughter.

As far as addictions go, getting addicted to helping people is one of the better ones, although it's still and addiction.  And there's a difference between helping someone and rescuing them; helping someone can be on a level footing, a meeting of equals, and may result in someone we've helped helping us one day, a fair deal.  But rescuing someone is not and equal deal, someone is weaker and someone is stronger, the stronger person gets a benefit out of being the strong one and it may never be reciprocated.  And then of course getting involved with someone with a personality disorder and a substance abuse problem just makes the dysfunction skyrocket.  

Best for all of us to do the inner work required to create our own peace, happiness, and contentment, live there for a while, and then take that out into the world, in a way where we're not looking for something external to fill us up because we're already full.  And it's amazing what we attract when we show up in the world full.  Take care of you!

[NYMike]

Yes.My life is so empty and I took on this woman and all her problems.She had so many problems from her cocaine addiction.I took a liking to her and had this fantasy to ''save'' her and live happily ever after being sober with her.

My knight in Shining Armour was in full affect and I killed myself to help and love her.It filled me with a purpose and I became addicted to her mess of a life.It filled me with a sence of purpose and made me feel good.In the end she spit on me and turned on me.

I still ask myself why.Why would she toss away the only guy that gave her so much and believed in her.?... How can she not miss me for all the love and support I gave her.?.To me I thought she would appreciate a good man that loved her and supported her life and recovery.I was the only sober loving man she ever had.She tossed all this away to go back to the crazy world she is used to and the crazy men.This hurts a lot.

In the end she has painted me black,she seems to hate me and tells the world I am no good and ill.That just hurts because I gave 100% to her,the dog and her daughter.

As far as addictions go, getting addicted to helping people is one of the better ones, although it's still and addiction.  And there's a difference between helping someone and rescuing them; helping someone can be on a level footing, a meeting of equals, and may result in someone we've helped helping us one day, a fair deal.  But rescuing someone is not and equal deal, someone is weaker and someone is stronger, the stronger person gets a benefit out of being the strong one and it may never be reciprocated.  And then of course getting involved with someone with a personality disorder and a substance abuse problem just makes the dysfunction skyrocket.  

Best for all of us to do the inner work required to create our own peace, happiness, and contentment, live there for a while, and then take that out into the world, in a way where we're not looking for something external to fill us up because we're already full.  And it's amazing what we attract when we show up in the world full.  Take care of you!

I agree that I am looking ''outside''  myself to fill something inside of myself.I am not sure how or why this happened to me at 21 years sober but it did.

I found out through T that this has been my ''hobby'' and it don't work.Saving messed up woman and becoming addicted to there dysfunction and screwed up life.I have to give up on this rescue mission.

In fact I should of never been there from day one.She just seemed so sincere in wanting sobriety and wanting to change her life.I fell for it and went full force to save the day.In that process I lost me.

[fromheeltoheal]

I know I shouldn't do it, but had a tiny bit of contact on whatsapp today.

Me: Can you let me know when you're picking up your post?

She: My mother will be in contact with you for that.

Me: Alright. How you've been?

She: Fine! You?

Me: Yeah fine, although I do miss you sometimes.

She: Oh. I don't know what I can say about that.

Me: That's alright, I wanted to ask you how you've been and since you've asked it back, I wanted to answer it truthfully.

She: Ok.

It's obvious I still have feelings, like a normal human being after a relationship of 4,5 years. She perhaps has them too, but won't show them. And that's her right. I don't know why I do this to myself. Its part trying to get validation, answers, or something. And part hope. The past 9 times we broke up, we would always get back together. She seems to be sticking to the plan of not getting back together this time though. And I truly know its for the best. But it also hurts so much.

Sorry Close, highjacked your thread a little with Mike.  You're showing good self awareness, and as you say, you've still got feelings.

And I truly know its for the best. But it also hurts so much.

Yes.  And the only way through that is through, to feel the feelings all the way until they burn themselves out and you are able to move on.  And of course you'll need to stop communicating with her to do that, either that or set yourself up for another recycle or pine for her once she gets with someone else.  Which is better?

[fromheeltoheal]

In that process I lost me.

And how exciting to have the opportunity to find yourself again, the wiser version, yes?

[CloseToFreedom]

I know I shouldn't do it, but had a tiny bit of contact on whatsapp today.

Me: Can you let me know when you're picking up your post?

She: My mother will be in contact with you for that.

Me: Alright. How you've been?

She: Fine! You?

Me: Yeah fine, although I do miss you sometimes.

She: Oh. I don't know what I can say about that.

Me: That's alright, I wanted to ask you how you've been and since you've asked it back, I wanted to answer it truthfully.

She: Ok.

It's obvious I still have feelings, like a normal human being after a relationship of 4,5 years. She perhaps has them too, but won't show them. And that's her right. I don't know why I do this to myself. Its part trying to get validation, answers, or something. And part hope. The past 9 times we broke up, we would always get back together. She seems to be sticking to the plan of not getting back together this time though. And I truly know its for the best. But it also hurts so much.

Sorry Close, highjacked your thread a little with Mike.  You're showing good self awareness, and as you say, you've still got feelings.

And I truly know its for the best. But it also hurts so much.

Yes.  And the only way through that is through, to feel the feelings all the way until they burn themselves out and you are able to move on.  And of course you'll need to stop communicating with her to do that, either that or set yourself up for another recycle or pine for her once she gets with someone else.  Which is better?

No problem, if more people here can be helped in 'my' thread, its all for the better.

I know what you are saying. I always know what's best for me, but my behaviour is sometimes counter productive in that regard. Its so difficult to let go of the illusion of the relationship we had. I was so used to communicate with her, to try and please her, to make sure that she felt loved and needed. Now that I can't do that anymore, it feels like I am the one that needs to be loved and needed.

[fromheeltoheal]

Its so difficult to let go of the illusion of the relationship we had.

And give yourself credit for realizing it was an illusion.

it feels like I am the one that needs to be loved and needed.

Learning how to love and need yourself, motivated by the pain of the breakup, can be the gift of the relationship.

[cehlers55]

Dear ClosetoFreedom. Your relationship was very similar to mine. 4.5 years long. then i broke it off with her. So many times since then i wanted to rekindle the relationship. In fact we were married for 2.5 of those years. It made it even harder. The only thing to save my sanity was my list. As of today i've written 48 bullet points on the things she's done. All from memory. When i feel sad i read the list. and just reading a little bit is enough to satisfy my need to feel validated. The list is key. I need it because i need to know that my 5 weeks no contact is the right way to go. I've been NC solid and going to stay that way.

Make a list.