It's been a month, my feelings of grief and loss

[CloseToFreedom]

So, it's been over a month now that I split up with my uBPDexgf. To be honest, I don't even really care anymore if she was borderline. I do know our relationship was highly toxic. We've split up ten times, and past each honeymoon phase we were like worst enemies. It's so easy after the relationship has ended to think about the good times, because they were there, but I have to keep in mind that there were so many bad times, that I never felt appreciated for what I did for her.

It's been a very hard month. I probably was (and still am somewhat) in depression, sleeping a lot, having no energy whatsoever. Trying to work here and there (the normal work week is starting monday again), sometimes going to the gym, sometimes meeting with friends. It doesn't help my ex has taken over part of my friend group, well not taken over because they still are my friends as well, but its hard to avoid all contact like this. On New Years Eve I celebrated it with my friends, and my ex was there too, but it opened up my eyes somewhat: she wasn't that perfect at all, her looks were highly overrated by me and her personality is quite frankly boring. All things I have to try and keep in mind while I am healing.

I do think she has it easier with coping with the break up. She's just not as co-dependant as me. For me, it feels like a big chunk of my life, of my identity, has been erased. For her, it seems like she enjoys getting over it as quickly as possible and doing as much fun stuff as possible. Of course, that is the best remedy, but part of me is surprised as she was always so controlling and jelous and what not in our relationship. Even if I went a night out with friends she would go all crazy on me and even threathen with suicide. I guess that's the splitting black of her, seeing me as a total enemy that makes it easier to cope with her feelings. As for myself, I don't think in black and white so I also still remember the good things that have happened in the 4,5 years we were together.

So, its been a month of constant thinking, of a constant feeling of dread in my body and in my stomach. It's even hard to breathe, like something is constantly pressing on my lungs. I'm trying to work through the good and bad times, all the memories we shared go through my mind, trying to find a place for them. The constant arguments about nothing at all, the yelling, calling names, all around mean behaviour of us both. The good times, holidays we had, stuff I bought and did for her, but also the things she did for me of course, and the house we shared that I still live in. I all have to give it a place.

I'm not totally over the obsession with her yet. I keep checking her whatsapp status, and I really need to quit doing that. We are blocked on every other social media outlet though, so that's a good thing. She knows I love her and she knows that if she'd get into contact again, I'd probably reconsider the break up, so for my sake it is a good thing she's not trying to re engage with me.

I am not ready at all to start dating again, although there are a few women that have expressed their interest, I guess. It all feels so... .emotionless, other women, like I am not ready to feel anything for them. So that's a sign for me that I'm not completely ready yet. On the other hand, she is dating already, but for my own well being I shouldn't turn this into a competition. Take it easy, take it slow.

I'm 30 now and there is still time to build a happy and fullfilling family life with someone. I have to keep that dream alive. And no, staying with my ex wouldn't have made me happy, it would have made me miserable. I was miserable the past year. I have to keep that in mind. Don't forget it.

Thank you for reading. Its been a hard road, a very difficult month, but I have the feeling I'm slowly starting to heal. It's very slow, but its getting there. I want to thank this forum for all the help. Without it I would have felt more alone than now.

[downwhim]

'I do think she has it easier with coping with the break up. She's just not as co-dependant as me. For me, it feels like a big chunk of my life, of my identity, has been erased.'

I feel exactly as you. We were together 8 years and were engaged. My best advise after being almost 3 months next week N/C is this. Take baby steps. Stay strong. Get her off of all social media, it only fuels the fire checking on it.

Be good to yourself. Work out or go for a walk. Read all you can about the disorder on this forum and read some of the books they have recommended. Post and the advisors will give valuable information you can either chose to do or not but I have found them to be extremely helpful.

Borderlines are difficult. Mine took off with replacement after sending me an email our engagement was over. He is cold and calculating and meets every criteria but one to meet the definition of a borderline. I lost myself in him and I am slowly finding my way out. I am now starting to look at me but that is after 3 months of grieving, not eating, working out, reading all I could etc...

At 3 months the gut twisted feeling is almost gone. I have a little anxiety but not like it was. The only way I have maintained this is to stay totally away from him and cut off all contact. Do I still love him, yes, was he right for me, no. Did he put me through hell and back yes.

Hang in there, it get's better but takes lots of time

[CloseToFreedom]

I guess part of the reason it takes so slow for me to heal is these constant doubts if it was her, or me. Probably both, but still. I know in the end of the relationship, I often chose to ignore her feelings and being around her. I just couldn't take it anymore. Even if I would listen to her feelings, she would still claim I wouldn't. It was just no use. I had to build a wall around myself to keep my sanity. But it has made me feel like the bad guy, you know?

Its uplifting to hear that there's light at the end of the tunnel. The most bothersome thing is this dreadful feeling in my stomach right now. I want to get rid of it. I guess one 'plus' is that my legs and arms are feeling tired today. Like my body is start to feel the month of stress I was under and is starting to work to make it better. I dont know if that makes sense.

[downwhim]

My body too ached. The stress takes ahold. Can you afford to get a massage? Start taking care of yourself. Even a little every day. I can tell you it helps. Your in the FOG right now. It is easy to blame ourselves and second guess our behavior. Yes, we play a role in the r/s but many times it is a reaction to the craziness.

I have learned I am co dependent and have trouble standing up for my needs. When I did and put up boundaries my exBPD went nuts.

So, all I can really say is nurture yourself right now. Take care of you. Find ways to stop the ruminating by keeping busy. Be gentle on yourself.

[fromheeltoheal]

I do think she has it easier with coping with the break up. She's just not as co-dependant as me. For me, it feels like a big chunk of my life, of my identity, has been erased. For her, it seems like she enjoys getting over it as quickly as possible and doing as much fun stuff as possible. Of course, that is the best remedy, but part of me is surprised as she was always so controlling and jelous and what not in our relationship. Even if I went a night out with friends she would go all crazy on me and even threathen with suicide. I guess that's the splitting black of her, seeing me as a total enemy that makes it easier to cope with her feelings. As for myself, I don't think in black and white so I also still remember the good things that have happened in the 4,5 years we were together.

She only seems to have it easier because she's had a lifetime of practice using the tools, the defense mechanisms, that help her deal with emotions she couldn't handle otherwise, which we all do to an extent, but with the extremely strong, unregulated emotions she experiences due to the disorder, her tools need to be strong too.  Speaking of chunks of identity, borderlines attach to people to feel whole, not in a 'you complete me' romantic way, but in an unhealthy fusing of psyches to form one person way, and if you attached you're going to feel the loss when that attachment is severed, but while you're feeling the loss, she feels like she ceases to exist, since borderlines don't have a fully formed 'self' of their own.  The abandonment, which is how it's interpreted by her, is the worst thing that could ever happen to a borderline, so having 'as much fun as possible' is pure distraction borne out of panic, while looking for new attachments to quell the abandonment fears.  Sitting with your feelings and processing them, like you're doing, is the harder path, but the right one, so you can actually heal and grow instead of repeat the cycle on an endless loop of chaos like borderlines do.

I guess part of the reason it takes so slow for me to heal is these constant doubts if it was her, or me. Probably both, but still. I know in the end of the relationship, I often chose to ignore her feelings and being around her. I just couldn't take it anymore. Even if I would listen to her feelings, she would still claim I wouldn't. It was just no use. I had to build a wall around myself to keep my sanity. But it has made me feel like the bad guy, you know?

Yeah, I know.  We want to help and care, but when it becomes apparent the issues are extreme and our partner will be nothing but a full time project, and our efforts are not only unrewarded but the abuse and disrespect escalates, we use our own defense mechanisms to cope, as in the sanity-preserving wall you built.  The part we don't understand until we learn about the disorder is you were helping by tolerating the abuse; that was her offloading stuff she couldn't deal with, assigning it to you in an unhealthy, disordered way.  Codependency, BTW, is a letting down of those walls and becoming enmeshed in the chaos full time, going with the flow wherever it leads and enabling the behavior, just as dysfunctional as the disorder, so congratulate yourself for building those walls.

Its uplifting to hear that there's light at the end of the tunnel. The most bothersome thing is this dreadful feeling in my stomach right now. I want to get rid of it. I guess one 'plus' is that my legs and arms are feeling tired today. Like my body is start to feel the month of stress I was under and is starting to work to make it better. I dont know if that makes sense.

Even though our hearts and minds might be caught up in it, our bodies never lie to us, and discontent will show up somewhere; my shoulder totally seized near the end and after I left her, and it took a year to heal.  30 days is very little after 4 and a half years, there's plenty of growth still to do, but it's the best work, motivated by pain, and you will come out the other side stronger and wiser than ever if you do that work.  The best thing you can do right now is take very good care of yourself, as you slowly shift the focus from her to you and from the past to the future, and use us to help with that.  Take care of you!

[CloseToFreedom]

Thanks for the replies people. They all help. Downwhim: I will try my best to take care of myself. Someone has to, right?

She only seems to have it easier because she's had a lifetime of practice using the tools, the defense mechanisms, that help her deal with emotions she couldn't handle otherwise, which we all do to an extent, but with the extremely strong, unregulated emotions she experiences due to the disorder, her tools need to be strong too.  Speaking of chunks of identity, borderlines attach to people to feel whole, not in a 'you complete me' romantic way, but in an unhealthy fusing of psyches to form one person way, and if you attached you're going to feel the loss when that attachment is severed, but while you're feeling the loss, she feels like she ceases to exist, since borderlines don't have a fully formed 'self' of their own.  The abandonment, which is how it's interpreted by her, is the worst thing that could ever happen to a borderline, so having 'as much fun as possible' is pure distraction borne out of panic, while looking for new attachments to quell the abandonment fears.  Sitting with your feelings and processing them, like you're doing, is the harder path, but the right one, so you can actually heal and grow instead of repeat the cycle on an endless loop of chaos like borderlines do.

I understand what you are saying but it sometimes makes me feel I have borderline as well. I mean, I also feel pretty much invisible because of the seperation, although hanging out with friends and going out have helped. I am afraid that everything I do is also for distraction of this horrible feeling. How do I know it was she, and not me, with the disorder? That's so difficult to determine. I mean, what if she will get a great life now that we're seperated, did that mean that I was the thing holding her back? Even though I supported everything she did and encouraged her to get outside more and get more friends... .

Yeah, I know.  We want to help and care, but when it becomes apparent the issues are extreme and our partner will be nothing but a full time project, and our efforts are not only unrewarded but the abuse and disrespect escalates, we use our own defense mechanisms to cope, as in the sanity-preserving wall you built.  The part we don't understand until we learn about the disorder is you were helping by tolerating the abuse; that was her offloading stuff she couldn't deal with, assigning it to you in an unhealthy, disordered way.  Codependency, BTW, is a letting down of those walls and becoming enmeshed in the chaos full time, going with the flow wherever it leads and enabling the behavior, just as dysfunctional as the disorder, so congratulate yourself for building those walls.

Yeah, I was heavily co-dependant. It was a mix of things that happened that made me this way. First losing my childhood love because she kept cheating, and I was with her for 9 years, I mean I practically grew into an adult with her. Then meeting my uBPDexgf, it feels like she was perfect for me, loved everything I love, wanted to spend day and night with me. I was so adored by her, and I guess I fell in love with that feeling, instead of her. And of course, once she really had me, she started to slowly hate on everything I did.

Even though our hearts and minds might be caught up in it, our bodies never lie to us, and discontent will show up somewhere; my shoulder totally seized near the end and after I left her, and it took a year to heal.  30 days is very little after 4 and a half years, there's plenty of growth still to do, but it's the best work, motivated by pain, and you will come out the other side stronger and wiser than ever if you do that work.  The best thing you can do right now is take very good care of yourself, as you slowly shift the focus from her to you and from the past to the future, and use us to help with that.  Take care of you!

I just hope I won't catch any serious illness because of the stress, like in a few years down the line. What if I'm happy then but thanks to the stress I feel now, I will get sick? So yeah I really need to start taking care of myself.

[fromheeltoheal]

How do I know it was she, and not me, with the disorder?

When we become enmeshed with a disordered person we start exhibiting some of the traits ourselves, they're called fleas around here.  4 and a half years is a pretty long time; do you remember how you were and who you were 5 years ago?  Getting back to that, but a new and improved that, is the goal, and as you said, the diagnosis and the labels don't matter, your own serenity and mental health do.

I just hope I won't catch any serious illness because of the stress, like in a few years down the line. What if I'm happy then but thanks to the stress I feel now, I will get sick? So yeah I really need to start taking care of myself.

Yes you do.  Worrying about a serious illness is stressful and might make you ill on it's own.  I'm sure you've heard 'that which does not kill you makes you stronger', and now's a good time to get stronger on purpose.  Diet, sleep and exercise are the big three, get those 3 in order and put one foot in front of the other, and in a year you just might look back and be amazed at the life you've built for yourself.

[CloseToFreedom]

Man, I'm still far from over it. Dreamed a few times about her again. Mostly dreams where we are back together, or never went apart. She's overtly sweet in those dreams, like she was in the beginning (because later in the relationship she almost never was like that). Sometimes its her, sometimes its an ex before her, sort of a mish-mash of the two people I guess. Very confusing.

I slept 14 hours. I feel like a ghost. Tomorrow work starts again, I hope I can drag myself out of bed.

I still can't get over the fact that she isn't contacting me anymore. She always did that after break ups, eventually. That tells me that I somewhere still had hope, I guess. Letting go of all hope is so difficult, almost impossible. I want to know if there's this same feeling of loss in the back of her head that keeps groing until she can't be without me anymore. But these thoughts are wrong, I know. They don't help me. Trying to control something that isn't controllable is a terrible feeling.

It would help me SO, SO much if she would just contact me and tell me she misses me. I wouldn't even have to go back to her or say anything at all. Just knowing she is going through the same thing would already help me.

Each day when I wake up, this dreadful feeling in my stomach and chest is there again. Arg. I feel like I can't take it anymore. Toying with the idea of suicide sometimes, although I know I won't do that. I just don't have the guts to do that. But going through these feelings each and every day is wearing me out badly.

[CloseToFreedom]

I'm sorry for the double post but I'm really having a hard time. First day of work and man, it feels like I'm a zombie. I can barely function. I manage, but from the inside I'm dying, a little bit more each day I think.

I do think I know why its getting harder and harder: because the time since our last contact, or rather, the time that she reached out to me, is getting bigger. In our countless previous break-ups, she would always come back eventually. But it seems things are really over now and I know its for the best, but it hurts like hell.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm sorry for the double post but I'm really having a hard time. First day of work and man, it feels like I'm a zombie. I can barely function. I manage, but from the inside I'm dying, a little bit more each day I think.

I do think I know why its getting harder and harder: because the time since our last contact, or rather, the time that she reached out to me, is getting bigger. In our countless previous break-ups, she would always come back eventually. But it seems things are really over now and I know its for the best, but it hurts like hell.

Hi Close-

I'm really sorry you're struggling right now; I went through exactly what you're going through, and it is very difficult, but I'm here to tell you it will get better, just hang in there.  It's only been a month and that's early.

Do you have anyone to talk to in the real world?  You don't need to be alone with your thoughts right now, and when you start talking about suicide that's a serious problem; is there anyone you can talk to live, face to face, today?  You need to do that.

These relationships do a number on us, and our bodies don't lie to us even though our brain is conflicted; you will probably be tired for a while, but sleeping is a lot is better than not sleeping, and it's also a sign of depression, which you'd probably agree with.

As you mention, letting go of hope is the most difficult part.  Even though the relationship might have been chaotic, with all those recycles it sounds like yours was, letting go of the hope that it might one day work out is a severing of something that you might have been completely committed to, the relationship of your dreams, the perfect union with your soulmate, but think about it: was the real relationship ever that, or was that a fantasy in your head?  It certainly was a fantasy in mine, the real relationship never measured up to the fantasy one between my ears, but the good news is that had nothing to do with her, it was all an internal struggle, a reconciliation between my illusion and reality, hard to do definitely, and very growth-inducing, but it had nothing to do with her.  What would it mean if she contacted you?  It might mean that that hope would be kept alive for another day, but hope for what?

Please let us know who you've connected with in the real world today, don't make it her, and take care of you!

[CloseToFreedom]

Thank you for your concern. I have my parents to talk to and I do so regulary, although after 5 weeks they don't really know what to say anymore either. They are concerned as well because they thought I'd be further 'healed' after five weeks, and in their eyes its only getting worse. I can't disagree.

When we broke up two years ago for 1,5 month, I was in a big depression where I couldn't even get myself to work. At least I'm doing that now, but I thought I learned from that experience and I promised myself I would never become so co-dependent on her again. Of course, that was just nonsense, as I was getting better we got in contact again and the dance started once more. I guess I never healed, just the fact that we got back together was the healing at that time.

I also have an appointment with my T this thursday, but I just go once a month because its pretty expensive.

And yes, you are absolutely right, its painful to give up the dream of the relationship. Because we've split up and got back together so much, at least for me, it made me more determined to make it work each time. There was so much pressure on that and now to really accept it is the end, is the hardest thing. I do not believe I have fully accepted it yet, as I'm still waiting for her to drop me a message. Against all odds. I mean, she always ended up contacting me after each break up, but I do really think she won't do that this time. And still, there's hope there. Giving that hope up totally seems nearly impossible. I guess I have some work to do in the coming months.

The thoughts about suicide are not really realistic, but they still pop up in my mind a few times a day. I wouldn't know how to do it, though. I don't see myself cutting my wrists or something, and I don't have a gun. So i guess I'm safe. If there was an easy, quick option, I wouldn't know if I'd do it. Its very tempting to think about stopping this constant pain in my heart (or head, depending on how you look at it). The thought of giving up this relationship and not spending the rest of my life with her, even with the knowledge that she is broken or at least we can't function as a couple, is almost unbearable.

I'm a 30 year old man and I feel like a little child, I just can't believe its taking such a toll on me. How is that possible? I should be able to just go on with my life, like her, and start dating again and being happy with things I do. But I have this massive missing hole that I just can't ignore. Blah.

[Deeno02]

Its been almost 5 months for me and while she moved on like a week after dumping me, Im left to pick up the pieces. Your going through your stages. Second guessing myself still occurs, even this far out. Its not bad anymore like at the begining, but it comes and goes , what if I did this, said this, done that. Wouldnt have mattered much. It does get better. Its getting better for me, but I still have my moments. Use this forum and the lessons to learn and to heal. Post what you feel as I can guarentee just about everyone of us has gone through it. Its really a LOL moment when you post something and strangers from all over the world respond back with "did we date the same girl/guy?". Thats how insidious this thing is. Different people, different parts of the world, but the illness/disease follows the same script.

[fromheeltoheal]

Giving that hope up totally seems nearly impossible.

It's difficult, but it's not optional, you need to do it.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but you seem to have accepted that the relationship won't work and you're better off apart, but you want her to contact you anyway, so you're conflicted.  What helped me was to make a list of all the unacceptable crap she pulled, and read it as much as necessary to help shift my focus to the fact that we really should be apart.  What's the first entry on that list?

The thought of giving up this relationship and not spending the rest of my life with her, even with the knowledge that she is broken or at least we can't function as a couple, is almost unbearable.

Detachment is discussed a lot around here.  It is possible to feel the feeling or grief, of longing, but not be those feelings.  A realization that you are much bigger than those feelings, and you can put them off to one side a little, so you can be with them but not be them, is the path to detachment.  There's what happens and what we make it mean: what happened is you broke up, what you're making it mean is that all of life sucks right now.  :)oes it really?  A relationship that wasn't working anyway is over, that sounds like the good news, it's that hope that needs to be let go of, and as you feel the feelings associated with that, try standing off to one side of them and let them be, as you take steps towards your future.  It works, it just takes a little practice.

Promise us you'll mention your thoughts of suicide to your therapist on Thursday.

[NYMike]

Thanks for being honest close to freedom.

I read a lot on here and I am glad I am following your post.I am 23 days NC and feel just like you do.Please believe that you are not alone.I am right here with you.I have thoughts of suicide also but I will not act on that.I am devested by this whole experience I had with my ex.

The feelings of loss and grief I have is so very painful.I feel like this will never end inside of me.I lost 35 lbs,i obsess,i am angry,sad and left to pick up the pieces.I had no closure and was discarded and tossed away like trash.I was then painted black and she called police on me.

I was blamed for everything and she has gone on this trail to destroy my credibility and my character.This is so confusing and hurtful.It was 100% change from the woman who loved everything about me in the beginning and even 3 days prior.

So here I am.Devestated,confused,sad,desperate,lost and in a lot of pain and hurt.I go to Therapy every week and keep trying to get through this devestation.My feelings of loss and grief are real and so painful.I still cry at least 2 times a day.I am also taking medication for this.

I just wanted to say that you are not alone.I am 47 and I feel just like you do.Please keep posting because it helps me.  

[CloseToFreedom]

Its been almost 5 months for me and while she moved on like a week after dumping me, Im left to pick up the pieces. Your going through your stages. Second guessing myself still occurs, even this far out. Its not bad anymore like at the begining, but it comes and goes , what if I did this, said this, done that. Wouldnt have mattered much. It does get better. Its getting better for me, but I still have my moments. Use this forum and the lessons to learn and to heal. Post what you feel as I can guarentee just about everyone of us has gone through it. Its really a LOL moment when you post something and strangers from all over the world respond back with "did we date the same girl/guy?". Thats how insidious this thing is. Different people, different parts of the world, but the illness/disease follows the same script.

Yeah I've had that a lot, me posting stuff that happened and people recognising it. Im still not sure if she is BPD or it was just the dynamic of the toxic relationship, but these things seem to be major red flags:

- At the start she was highly jelous, if I didnt had time for her she would get very angry or very sad

- Always busy with herself, talking about herself, making pictures of herself

- Very insecure in the beginning

- Pushing and pulling, but I did that too in the beginning

- Which made her obsessed, ringing my doorbell at midnight

Then later, when I was hooked, it slowly turned into something else:

- Never agreeing with me

- Always saying I was a bad listener and she couldnt show her emotions to me

- Critizising all sorts of stuff I did, small things that were blown out of proportion

- Giving the silent treatment when I would go out with friends, at the last minute before I left start screaming, crying, threatening suicide

- Critizising the stuff I did in the home, like my cleaning

- Expect to be treated like a princess at all times, wanted me to rub her back at night (without getting anything back), massage her feet often, I always had to get the drinks or clean towers when we were on holiday, she sometimes even called herself a princess

Her father left her when she was a child, went to the other side of the world to start a new family. She did the black and white thinking with him as well. Sometimes, he was like this god she looked up to, other times, she said to me she would stop all contact with him because he wasn't worth it. She did the same with friends. And with me, i suppose.

Now, I had my fair share of problems but damn I've put so much efford in the past four years to make it worth. But I got very burned out and couldn't give any more energy. I felt so empty. I couldn't handle it anymore. Of course, when I'm without her for 5 weeks now I think this is even worse, and I would give anything to get back to the situation like it was. But that is not realistic.

Giving that hope up totally seems nearly impossible.

It's difficult, but it's not optional, you need to do it.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but you seem to have accepted that the relationship won't work and you're better off apart, but you want her to contact you anyway, so you're conflicted.  What helped me was to make a list of all the unacceptable crap she pulled, and read it as much as necessary to help shift my focus to the fact that we really should be apart.  What's the first entry on that list?

The thought of giving up this relationship and not spending the rest of my life with her, even with the knowledge that she is broken or at least we can't function as a couple, is almost unbearable.

Detachment is discussed a lot around here.  It is possible to feel the feeling or grief, of longing, but not be those feelings.  A realization that you are much bigger than those feelings, and you can put them off to one side a little, so you can be with them but not be them, is the path to detachment.  There's what happens and what we make it mean: what happened is you broke up, what you're making it mean is that all of life sucks right now.  :)oes it really?  A relationship that wasn't working anyway is over, that sounds like the good news, it's that hope that needs to be let go of, and as you feel the feelings associated with that, try standing off to one side of them and let them be, as you take steps towards your future.  It works, it just takes a little practice.

Promise us you'll mention your thoughts of suicide to your therapist on Thursday.

You are right, I know the relationship is bad for me, and I've basically ended it, but Im having a very hard time truly accepting that we won't get back together. There remains this small glimmer of hope that I can't let go of right now. Part of it is also that I still have her on Whatsapp and I can't stop with looking at it during the day to see if she is online. Its so stupid as she doesn't say anything to me on there and I don't say anything to her, but I hope to see her typing to me one day. Its the last thing thats connects me to her. Its the only way I have some sort of contact with her, even though its no contact at all.

I promise I will be honest with my T.

Thanks for being honest close to freedom.

I read a lot on here and I am glad I am following your post.I am 23 days NC and feel just like you do.Please believe that you are not alone.I am right here with you.I have thoughts of suicide also but I will not act on that.I am devested by this whole experience I had with my ex.

The feelings of loss and grief I have is so very painful.I feel like this will never end inside of me.I lost 35 lbs,i obsess,i am angry,sad and left to pick up the pieces.I had no closure and was discarded and tossed away like trash.I was then painted black and she called police on me.

I was blamed for everything and she has gone on this trail to destroy my credibility and my character.This is so confusing and hurtful.It was 100% change from the woman who loved everything about me in the beginning and even 3 days prior.

So here I am.Devestated,confused,sad,desperate,lost and in a lot of pain and hurt.I go to Therapy every week and keep trying to get through this devestation.My feelings of loss and grief are real and so painful.I still cry at least 2 times a day.I am also taking medication for this.

I just wanted to say that you are not alone.I am 47 and I feel just like you do.Please keep posting because it helps me.  

Well I am glad that my postings helps other people as me posting certainly helps me, its a way to express yourself and your feelings that you are in conflict with each hour of the day. I've read your topics as well NYMike and they have helped me as well. As I remember correctly you wanted so badly to get back with her but in the process you've realised this isn't an option. Good for you that you have medication. I haven't as of yet but if things keep going this way it might be a good idea.

[fromheeltoheal]

There remains this small glimmer of hope that I can't let go of right now.

Going from a small glimmer of hope to no hope at all is a huge leap, but there is no way to get beyond the relationship without taking that leap.  And what will happen once you do is you will start to process all that you went through personally in the relationship, and it could end up being a profound period of growth, the gift of a relationship with a borderline.  That's something to look forward to, as you shift the focus from the past to the future.

Part of it is also that I still have her on Whatsapp and I can't stop with looking at it during the day to see if she is online. Its so stupid as she doesn't say anything to me on there and I don't say anything to her, but I hope to see her typing to me one day. Its the last thing thats connects me to her. Its the only way I have some sort of contact with her, even though its no contact at all.

Obviously that is not helping, but it does help keep that glimmer of hope alive.  You need to stop doing that and you know it.

[CloseToFreedom]

Oh I know it, although I hate reading it like that. I immediately start to go in defense, with thoughts like 'but I cant stop looking' or 'I cant let her go completely'. She still feels like the ONE, that I don't want to give up.

[fromheeltoheal]

Oh I know it, although I hate reading it like that. I immediately start to go in defense, with thoughts like 'but I cant stop looking' or 'I cant let her go completely'. She still feels like the ONE, that I don't want to give up.

That's your challenge right there, it's like an addiction and really has nothing to do with her at this point.  The only way to stop is just stop, knowing that the hardest part is at the beggining and it will only get easier with time.  Take the leap man, life's too short.

[CloseToFreedom]

Not ready for that, sorry. I hope to phase it out, like keep my phone away from me a few hours a day. That would be a beginning.

I want to know so much if she has a feeling of missing me as well. If I'd hear from her, I guess I'd know it then. But I don't hear from her, probably for the best.

[NYMike]

Oh I know it, although I hate reading it like that. I immediately start to go in defense, with thoughts like 'but I cant stop looking' or 'I cant let her go completely'. She still feels like the ONE, that I don't want to give up.

That's your challenge right there, it's like an addiction and really has nothing to do with her at this point.  The only way to stop is just stop, knowing that the hardest part is at the beggining and it will only get easier with time.  Take the leap man, life's too short.

Any ideas why this is ''addiction'' for us.You are correct.This is hell and like an addiction.Is there something wrong with us.?

[CloseToFreedom]

Oh I know it, although I hate reading it like that. I immediately start to go in defense, with thoughts like 'but I cant stop looking' or 'I cant let her go completely'. She still feels like the ONE, that I don't want to give up.

That's your challenge right there, it's like an addiction and really has nothing to do with her at this point.  The only way to stop is just stop, knowing that the hardest part is at the beggining and it will only get easier with time.  Take the leap man, life's too short.

Any ideas why this is ''addiction'' for us.You are correct.This is hell and like an addiction.Is there something wrong with us.?

I cant speak for others, but for me its an addiction because I got used to it. Four years ago i didnt even use whatsapp, but my ex introduced me to it and kept talking and talking on it, giving me a sense of being wanted by her.

Then, whenever we broke up, there would be silence, but she'd always break it eventually. Also, we looked at each others screens constantly - I knew she did as well because she later admitted that.

There's a high chance she's not doing that now, but the voice in the back of my head says there is a chance. Thus, an obsession is born.

[fromheeltoheal]

Not ready for that, sorry. I hope to phase it out, like keep my phone away from me a few hours a day. That would be a beginning.

You don't need to apologize to me, but I'll just remind you that you're continuing to do something that is causing you to sleep 14 hours a day, drag yourself around and contemplate killing yourself.  And it's optional.  Something to think about.

Any ideas why this is ''addiction'' for us.You are correct.This is hell and like an addiction.

For me, I had an obsession to continue chasing the fantasy in my head when the reality bore little resemblance to the fantasy and was abusive, disrespectful, unsustainable and unfulfilling.  Why would I do that?  Addiction, just like heroin or alcohol, doing something that is clearly bad for you and not working, yet you ignore that and do it anyway.  We could label ourselves stupid, or we could just dig and see why we're doing that.  Why do you think Mike?

Is there something wrong with us.?

Asking questions like that is disempowering.  When we ask our brain "is there something wrong" it will come up with lots of things that are wrong, like well, we're fat, we're stupid, we're lazy, we're not man enough, blah, blah, blah.  Disempowering.  How about asking "how can I use this?"  "What's good about this?"  "How does this serve me?"  Putting your brain to work finding empowering meanings to what happened is most of the battle.

[CloseToFreedom]

I guess I'm going through the process of letting go. I was just now remembering things I did for her during our relationship. So much things. Ive took her on holidays, booked expensive hotels and tickets for concerts, i once bough her shoes and she had to cry because she was so happy with it, i bought her all kinds of rings, earrings and necklages, Ive massaged her back and her feet hundreds of times, i stayed at home so often when i wanted to go out but she didnt want to, the list goes on.

Only the last half year of us living together I regret sonewhat. I was still doing stuff, like cleaning the house and taking care of her pet rabbits, but i couldve done more. She made me diner almost every night. I couldve been there for her more often instead of focussing on my career and the gym. But I guess it was because i couldnt love her anymore like I used to, because the person i was living with was not the person i fell in love with. She never automatically came to me anymore for a kiss or hug. I always had to ask for it. When she got home from work i felt tension, because i didnt know in what mood she'd be in. I was after some arguments physically shaking for five minutes with no apparent cause, likely stress.

The painful thing is I know she really tried as well. She did love me and tried to make it work, just like me, 10 times. But we failed. And Im so sad we cant be there for each other anymore. And i just want to know if she is feeling the same thing under her cool and hateful exterior.

[myself]

Not ready for that, sorry. I hope to phase it out, like keep my phone away from me a few hours a day. That would be a beginning.

I want to know so much if she has a feeling of missing me as well. If I'd hear from her, I guess I'd know it then. But I don't hear from her, probably for the best.

It's alright to phase things out, that's a way to change your patterns too, just like going cold turkey. Whatever works for you, as long as you keep the focus on what you need to do and follow through with to get past this. If you need to crawl before you walk, at least the goal is walking, which is great. It's been over a year for me, and looking back I see there were times I took small steps, big steps, and sometimes no steps at all. But I kept moving away from the painful mess of the r/s and into the less painful life I'm living now. Once the shock wears off enough, you'll be better able to handle and come to grips with this. We each get there in our own time and depth.

As far as hearing from her that she misses you, I understand that too, and yes did hear from my now-ex those very words. Yes, it was temporarily kind of validating, but mostly just stirred things up again for me for awhile and made me feel extra sorry for her that she has such disordered patterns/problems that made her hurt and throw away someone who had really cared for her. Did she also mention that she loved me or was sorry for how she mistreated me, two other things (of many) I would have also liked to have heard? No. It was all about her and tried to add more blame and guilt on me, which I don't accept. It wasn't a good message overall.

Letting go includes not only the r/s and the physical person, but our expectations. I still catch myself thinking, "If she'd only... .If this would happen, that could happen... ." So instead of, in your case, putting so much expectation on receiving a message from her saying that she misses you (which she may or not be feeling, and wBPD feelings are very fleeting to say the least so how much would that really say about what's really going on with her anyway?), tell yourself that she's human and has a heart so probably does miss you at certain times. Or that she is a pwBPD/traits and wasn't ever really very close with you so probably doesn't miss you/ has scapegoated you. The story of what's going on today is the same either way, when you take a step back to see the bigger picture. It's you there dealing with yourself, improving yourself, letting go. You can do this. Already are.

[Deeno02]

Not ready for that, sorry. I hope to phase it out, like keep my phone away from me a few hours a day. That would be a beginning.

I want to know so much if she has a feeling of missing me as well. If I'd hear from her, I guess I'd know it then. But I don't hear from her, probably for the best.

It's alright to phase things out, that's a way to change your patterns too, just like going cold turkey. Whatever works for you, as long as you keep the focus on what you need to do and follow through with to get past this. If you need to crawl before you walk, at least the goal is walking, which is great. It's been over a year for me, and looking back I see there were times I took small steps, big steps, and sometimes no steps at all. But I kept moving away from the painful mess of the r/s and into the less painful life I'm living now. Once the shock wears off enough, you'll be better able to handle and come to grips with this. We each get there in our own time and depth.

As far as hearing from her that she misses you, I understand that too, and yes did hear from my now-ex those very words. Yes, it was temporarily kind of validating, but mostly just stirred things up again for me for awhile and made me feel extra sorry for her that she has such disordered patterns/problems that made her hurt and throw away someone who had really cared for her. Did she also mention that she loved me or was sorry for how she mistreated me, two other things (of many) I would have also liked to have heard? No. It was all about her and tried to add more blame and guilt on me, which I don't accept. It wasn't a good message overall.

Letting go includes not only the r/s and the physical person, but our expectations. I still catch myself thinking, "If she'd only... .If this would happen, that could happen... ." So instead of, in your case, putting so much expectation on receiving a message from her saying that she misses you (which she may or not be feeling, and wBPD feelings are very fleeting to say the least so how much would that really say about what's really going on with her anyway?), tell yourself that she's human and has a heart so probably does miss you at certain times. Or that she is a pwBPD/traits and wasn't ever really very close with you so probably doesn't miss you/ has scapegoated you. The story of what's going on today is the same either way, when you take a step back to see the bigger picture. It's you there dealing with yourself, improving yourself, letting go. You can do this. Already are.

Thats another puzzling factor. I saw a pic of her and the new guy, they looked happy, I said to her on the photo caption Glad your happy... good bye my love. Got an evil text 20 minutes later calling me passive agressive, remove the comment, dont ever post on it again, if you have something to say, say it to me... .Wondering where the hate comes from. It wasnt her left standing in the gym, shattered, after trying one last time to piece it together, only to be met with contempt and scorn. Not sure why they hate when I did nothing wrong but be me, not perfect, but me.

[CloseToFreedom]

I notice that I feel better in the evening, when I'm alone with my thoughts and on bed, ready to go to sleep. Its a bit easier to handle the constant pain than during the day, when I also have to work.

I've also began to write handwritten letters to her. I don't send them to them, I just write it all out on a notepad on bed. Feels like I'm talking to her and it eases my mind a bit. I'm so used to sharing my feelings with her that with it not being possible right now, it helps, a bit, I guess.

I also took a look at her instagram. I have to say her face looks anything but happy. Big black lines under her eyes, not much smiling. I don't know, its stupid that I looked. Makes me want to contact her even more. Maybe I'm just seeing things.

[Ayreana]

Hey,

I am 1 month out of the r/s and still in so much pain, I can hardly handle it. Keep asking myself the same questions as you, is he in pain too (and hoping that he is) but realisticly I know he isn't . The only contact I had was one email and one telephone call to his parents. He still hasn't changed his adress. Even his parents are agressive towards me. And I ask myself "why?". What did I do to deserve this? And why do I blame myself, eventhough I know I did all I can.

Do I make progress? Today it feels, I haven't. Last night I wasn't able to sleep, so had only a couple of hours of sleep. I feel broken. Tired, anxious etc etc.

Sometimes I feel like screaming, or punch something. And angry at myself, why do I let him still hurt me? Why can't I get past it.

And there is something else I noticed, and I am embaressed about it, but I tell it anyway. I grave for male atention, not that I am persuing anything, but if a man is nice to me I kind of like it, or need it. Is that weird or what?

I lost quite some weight since he left, and I am physicly very weak. I try to undertake some stuff but today I don't feel like anything. I am tired and very sad.

I went out this morning for an hour and when I came back I noticed someone called me on the phone. It was a blocked number, and that gave me a scare because I know that the number of his parents is allways blocked. So now I am anxious, and it feels like I am waiting for something to happen.

Sorry for my rambling, but as I said, today ain't a good day for me.

Ayreana

[NYMike]

Not ready for that, sorry. I hope to phase it out, like keep my phone away from me a few hours a day. That would be a beginning.

You don't need to apologize to me, but I'll just remind you that you're continuing to do something that is causing you to sleep 14 hours a day, drag yourself around and contemplate killing yourself.  And it's optional.  Something to think about.

Any ideas why this is ''addiction'' for us.You are correct.This is hell and like an addiction.

For me, I had an obsession to continue chasing the fantasy in my head when the reality bore little resemblance to the fantasy and was abusive, disrespectful, unsustainable and unfulfilling.  Why would I do that?  Addiction, just like heroin or alcohol, doing something that is clearly bad for you and not working, yet you ignore that and do it anyway.  We could label ourselves stupid, or we could just dig and see why we're doing that.  Why do you think Mike?

Is there something wrong with us.?

Asking questions like that is disempowering.  When we ask our brain "is there something wrong" it will come up with lots of things that are wrong, like well, we're fat, we're stupid, we're lazy, we're not man enough, blah, blah, blah.  Disempowering.  How about asking "how can I use this?"  "What's good about this?"  "How does this serve me?"  Putting your brain to work finding empowering meanings to what happened is most of the battle.

Any ideas why this is ''addiction'' for us.You are correct.This is hell and like an addiction.

For me, I had an obsession to continue chasing the fantasy in my head when the reality bore little resemblance to the fantasy and was abusive, disrespectful, unsustainable and unfulfilling.  Why would I do that?  Addiction, just like heroin or alcohol, doing something that is clearly bad for you and not working, yet you ignore that and do it anyway.  We could label ourselves stupid, or we could just dig and see why we're doing that.  Why do you think Mike?

I am convinced I am living with obsession and living a fantasy in my head.I am not sure how I got here or why but it is one hell of a head trip and obsession I stepped into.

The truth is and the reality is this woman is TOXIC for me and unsustainable.I did a pros and cons list and there was ''reality''.The cons outweighed the pros by far.

Not sure ''why'' I became obsessed with her and this fantasy I built in my head.I hate this and it has caused my life damage chasing this woman and this fantasy.I have 25 days NC and continue T.

I seem to have wanted to ''save her'' and give her a better life.I wanted to get her off cocaine and give her a sober life like I been living for 21 years.I wanted to give her everything that she never had.

In the end she abandoned me and went back to the cocaine binges and her old life of abusive men.

[fromheeltoheal]

In the end she abandoned me and went back to the cocaine binges and her old life of abusive men.

As someone sober who's been there, you know the pull the powder has; been there, done that myself.  Could part of the drive to 'save her' come from the same place you went to save yourself?  Could your 'addiction' to the fantasy that is her be a transferred addiction from the chemicals?

[NYMike]

In the end she abandoned me and went back to the cocaine binges and her old life of abusive men.

As someone sober who's been there, you know the pull the powder has; been there, done that myself.  Could part of the drive to 'save her' come from the same place you went to save yourself?  Could your 'addiction' to the fantasy that is her be a transferred addiction from the chemicals?

Not sure I am understanding this correct.