Flipping herself between absent Mom and savior Mom is draining me to empty

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

It has been a while since I posted.  The months have marched on, she is on  therapist n+7, we are up to babysitter n+8, we have marriage/family counseling often.  She's not yelling anymore, she is helping do the things I used to do (cook, clean, take kids to school).  I am at my new job and spend hours each night trying to finish the day's work.

I'm struggling.I am in a local support group, and seeing a T, but I feel more pressure than ever to be the perfect Dad.  I so want to be home to give my kids something.  But I can't be.

My spouse takes the kids to school then gets back in bed.  Ditto the afternoon after pickup.  The kids are mostly unsupervised, and they have been very physical amongst themselves (3 in elementary school).

In fact , this week each has had a shining moment of "awfulness," that no one is getting an allowance this week (which I started based on a household helper type of chart).

Tonight the youngest had already hit big brother 3times, and he was "sent to the showers."  It was after our dinner.  I beg every night for a peaceful dinner, and have even rearranged the seating pattern to separate the boys, but it invariably deteriorated despite my gentle asking and example setting of respect.  It makes me so sad : there their mother is , like a 4th child.

So after 25 minutes and no shower noises, I snuck into the boys' rooms to see what was going on--there was the littlest jumping all over the bathroom , no where near in the shower.  I caught him in the act and told him, firm but gently how disappointed I was.  He sat and cried. I picked up his room a bit , gave him his pj's and left. 

I went downstairs.  I told my wife. After she finished two of her cigarettes, she finally went upstairs  to see him.  I came up and she told me I had startled him too much. I spoke softly, apologized, and asked my son if we could have more good times and laughter.  I told him some funny stories from my childhood . 

My point--here she is calming him; yet now I feel worse.  For 98% of the time she is up in her bed not parenting, not engaging.  I try my best but have to work, and I am shot when I get home.  Finding the 3 watching some insipid tv show.  That's why I want to hire someone to come to the house every afternoon to provide structure until I can get home.

How much should I beat myself up over this?  Is she trying to worm her way back after years of absenteeism?  Does she have me running to "save" the kids just set me up like I used to try and save her all those times in the past?  Knowing I will fail, so she can sweep in and be the white knight?  She tells me I'm too tough on the kids which she knows triggers some FOO issues for me.

[gary seven]

It has been a while since I posted.  The months have marched on, she is on  therapist n+7, we are up to babysitter n+8, we have marriage/family counseling often.  She's not yelling anymore, she is helping do the things I used to do (cook, clean, take kids to school).  I am at my new job and spend hours each night trying to finish the day's work.

I'm struggling.I am in a local support group, and seeing a T, but I feel more pressure than ever to be the perfect Dad.  I so want to be home to give my kids something.  But I can't be.

My spouse takes the kids to school then gets back in bed.  Ditto the afternoon after pickup.  The kids are mostly unsupervised, and they have been very physical amongst themselves (3 in elementary school).

In fact , this week each has had a shining moment of "awfulness," that no one is getting an allowance this week (which I started based on a household helper type of chart).

Tonight the youngest had already hit big brother 3times, and he was "sent to the showers."  It was after our dinner.  I beg every night for a peaceful dinner, and have even rearranged the seating pattern to separate the boys, but it invariably deteriorated despite my gentle asking and example setting of respect.  It makes me so sad : there their mother is , like a 4th child.

So after 25 minutes and no shower noises, I snuck into the boys' rooms to see what was going on--there was the littlest jumping all over the bathroom , no where near in the shower.  I caught him in the act and told him, firm but gently how disappointed I was.  He sat and cried. I picked up his room a bit , gave him his pj's and left. 

I went downstairs.  I told my wife. After she finished two of her cigarettes, she finally went upstairs  to see him.  I came up and she told me I had startled him too much. I spoke softly, apologized, and asked my son if we could have more good times and laughter.  I told him some funny stories from my childhood . 

My point--here she is calming him; yet now I feel worse.  For 98% of the time she is up in her bed not parenting, not engaging.  I try my best but have to work, and I am shot when I get home.  Finding the 3 watching some insipid tv show.  That's why I want to hire someone to come to the house every afternoon to provide structure until I can get home.

How much should I beat myself up over this?  Is she trying to worm her way back after years of absenteeism?  Does she have me running to "save" the kids just set me up like I used to try and save her all those times in the past?  Knowing I will fail, so she can sweep in and be the white knight?  She tells me I'm too tough on the kids which she knows triggers some FOO issues for me.

[Turkish]

gary seven,

It does sound like you've taken on the parent role for the entire family,.and you're resentful towards your wife still, even if she has calmed down a bit. Do you attribute her change in behavior to something you changed, or is it hard to tell?

Dealing with your kids, it must feel like you're a single parent. You have my sympathy about the kids "idling" as it were. I literally have to stay in the room and direct my son to get dressed. I dint like feeling like a drill Sgt, but I have to be.

Earlier in the year, you said you were going to bear this through the summer and make plans to leave when you were able. Is this still the case, or do you feel stuck each day, just surviving?

[vortex of confusion]

My heart goes out to you gary seven! 

I know how rough it is to feel like a single parent. I have four daughters ranging in age from 5 to 13 and I have felt like a single parent more often than not. I am the mother and the father. I recently took a second part time job to help with the finances and work on developing my career. My other part time job allows me to work from home.

I think your expectations for your kids may be too high. Kids fight. That is normal. Kids goof off and don't shower or do what they are supposed to do. It is all very normal. The problem is when you can rely on the kids more than you can rely on your spouse. When I get home from work in the evenings (around 10), the kids aren't in bed and there is usually some sort of fire that I have to put out. And, the kids have to tell me all about how dad was a jerk or spent the entire evening playing on his computer and largely ignoring them. Even that is an improvement though. There for a while, I was afraid to work outside of the house because I couldn't rely on him for much of anything.

You might check out some alternative parenting strategies to make your life easier. Do you have to have a sit down dinner every night? If so, can you find ways to make it fun like having dinner around the coffee table or outside? I have had to do so much multitasking and finding creative solutions to get things done that I find that there are times when I am twisted in knots. I crave peace. I put the younger three to bed and then go and sit with the oldest to get a report about her day and what she is learning. When I ask him, he will lay on the floor and fall asleep and the girls will come and get me anyway.

And yes, there are times when I have everything under control and he will try to step in and act like a dad. That makes things worse because he sets off the kids. He will completely ignore the kids until something is up and then he will interrupt me and then it will make the situation even worse. If I am being loud and firm with the kids, I do NOT need him to jump in and interrupt me and start yelling and acting like he is some kind of super dad. I don't know how old your kids. My older two (10 & 13) see right through their dad's crap. They have gone so far as to say that dad is my fifth child and that our dog is more of a man than him. Ouch!