Hello, moreaware & I'd like to join
formflier in welcoming you to this site. I would also like to encourage you to take his advice, and to check out that link he gave you, and every single link to the right-hand side of this page.
Also, many of us have found that it isn't productive to try to convince our BPD loved ones that they are mentally ill; it's really a very tricky subject to broach, and instead of focusing on the illness, we try to work with the behaviors that trouble them (and us!) and try to make things better that way.
We have an Article that can help you a
lot with the issues you are talking about:
Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy. It has a lot of insights and advice, and something from that Article that I find very enlightening when it comes to your situation is:
What can we do for a loved one with Borderline Personality Disorder traits?
If we want to help a loved one to get into therapy and, more importantly, to embrace the therapy, we need to "plug in" and understand both the perceptual filters that our loved one has, and their motivations. This generally requires a great deal of listening.
Studies show that there are three areas that are most productive for family members to focus on.
Building trust. Not blaming or not finding fault, but rather respecting our loved one's point of view, listening without telling them that they are wrong - especially regarding their point of view that they are not ill if that is their thinking. Amador says that family members and clinicians should listen carefully to the loved one's fears. "Empathy with the patient's frustrations and even the patient's delusional beliefs are also important", remarked Amador, who said that the phrase "I understand how you feel" can make a world of difference.
Reinforcing the developing awareness. Reinforce the struggles that the loved one perceives as concerning. One of the most difficult things for family members to do is to limit discussions only to the problems that the loved one with the mental illness perceives as problems - not to try to convince them of others. Work with what you have. It is important to develop a partnership with the loved one around those things that can be agreed upon.
Our belief that the loved one will benefit from treatment. Our loved one may be happy with where they are and moving them from this position is as much art as it is science - and it may take time.
What Not To Do
Professionals do not recommend that you tell a loved one that you suspect that they have Borderline Personality Disorder. We may think that our loved one will be grateful to have the disorder targeted and will rush into therapy to conquer their demons, but this usually doesn't happen. Instead, this is difficult advice to receive and more likely to sound critical and shaming (e.g., you are defective) and incite defensiveness, and break down the relationship trust. It's not like a broken leg where the affliction is tangible, the cure is tangible, and the stigma nonexistent. While we are grateful to learn about the disorder and the pathways to recovery - for us the information is validating and represents a potential solution to our family problems- to the afflicted, it is shaming (you are defective), stigmatizing (mental illness in general, Borderline Personality Disorder specifically), and puts all the responsibility for the family problems on the loved one's shoulders
I do recommend you read the whole Article I linked to above... .Everything in it is very eye-opening and helpful, and please come back with your thoughts about what you've read, and any questions you might have. We'd love to help you, moreaware
