Trying to move on, but staying friends

[Jessica84]

Hello, I'm really new here. I gave my background under "new members". Short story: exBPDbf broke up with me again this week. We've been together 5 years on/off/on/off... .coming to terms with his disorder and this breakup. You'd think I'd be used to it. Sadly, I think I might be. At least, I've learned not to take it as personal as I used to.

He texted me last night saying "Sorry I cannot explain myself" since he had no rational reason for this break up. I wrote back "You don't have to". We decided to remain friends so today he called to share some good news with me. He also asked me if I got married yet. Haha, it's been 2 days! And then he brought up the break up. Ugh. But I stayed calm and positive, listened while he struggled the best he could to explain the unexplainable with his jumbled thoughts/feelings, and finally I changed the subject to something else. Look, shiny object! Distracting him from painful conversations may not help him, but it sure helps me! Some of his words can cut like a knife and I just don't need to hear them.

He also told me all the things he was doing to take better care of himself... what, in 2 days? He said to move on with my life and not expect for us to get back together again - EVER, EVER AGAIN. Ouch. I told him I wasn't holding out any hope of that. I lied.

I do need to stop hoping. I wish things were different and it could all work out in the end, but that's not realistic. I'm not addicted to the "idealization" phase that comes and goes. That part always made me rather uncomfortable - the excessive adoration and praises, the gifts, the flowers, the many texts and phone calls. I liked it much better when we were past that "honeymoon" period and had what I thought was much more genuine. What I'll miss most is the deep friendship and the affectionate touch you can only get inside a relationship -  the hugs, kisses, holding hands, curling up beside him. All inappropriate things to do with someone who is "just a friend". I do have some boundaries.

I know remaining friends with him will make it that much harder for me to move on, but the idea of going NC is just unthinkable right now. Truth is, he's a better friend than boyfriend. Hard to explain, but he seems to feel trapped or pressure in a relationship. Only difference I see between the 2 really is whether sex is involved. I'll miss that too!

I've started reading the "lessons" to learn how to accept this as the final breakup. That helps a lot. But still hurts. The worst part is grieving alone in silence because no one knows we had gotten back together. I have to pretend nothing's wrong. My family and friends sure got tired of helping me recover from this relationship over and over again. I must've looked like someone beating my head against a brick wall for taking him back as many times as I did! All the more grateful for this community because I know you all "get" it. I don't have any questions, just needed to vent I guess. Thanks

[Waifed]

The problem with remaining friends is he once again gets what he wants and you continue to disrespect yourself. History on this board shows it likely won't work. Another issue is the lack of boundaries he will likely show you. What happens in a week when he starts telling you about the new person in his life. You need to take care of yourself. Recovery will take time and trying to be friends will just prolong the recovery process. Sorry to sound so negative.

[patientandclear]

Jessica, I walked the path you are contemplating. For pretty much those reasons. With an exbf I was so close to who, like yours, couldn't really explain. Like yours, mine was a better friend than bf. He felt too pressured in a r/s with someone he knew well and cared about.

What changed for me at a certain point was that he felt too pressured to be in a r/s with me, but not with other women (who eventually were left too, but the getting there and the uncertainty killed me). I couldn't give him the best of me and watch him head out to see if he could do better than other women.

But I get where you're at completely. And I know how hard it is.

[fromheeltoheal]

Nice venting Jessica; it can feel good to type it down and in a sense go public with it.  Makes us feel less alone, and yes, folks around here do get it.

As you mention you didn't ask any questions, but a few things came to mind reading your missive:

I know remaining friends with him will make it that much harder for me to move on, but the idea of going NC is just unthinkable right now. Truth is, he's a better friend than boyfriend. Hard to explain, but he seems to feel trapped or pressure in a relationship. Only difference I see between the 2 really is whether sex is involved. I'll miss that too!

Who's idea was it to remain friends?  Mine wanted to be 'friends' too, because she "loves me very much, but not like that."  Uh huh, sure.  It took me a while, after learning about the disorder, that she knew on some level that she is triggered by intimacy, as borderlines are, and once triggered she entered that push/pull, too close feel engulfed, too far away feel abandoned, always looking for that precarious fence between the two, never content place that is chaotic and crazymaking for all involved.  She couldn't articulate it like that, she just knew she liked me a lot and I was really good at soothing her emotions when I wasn't the one triggering them, and she wanted that, saw value in that in her life, wanted to retain the attachment too, but at arm's length because it was the only thing that was so-so sustainable.  Kinda like you: 'he's a better friend than a boyfriend'.

Well, a couple things: friendship is based on trust and respect, I didn't trust her and she was disrespectful to me more times than I can count.  Strike one.  And her perfect world would be keep me around to soothe her as needed while she goes and screws who she wants.  Sorry sunshine, strike two.  I'm out.

The worst part is grieving alone in silence because no one knows we had gotten back together. I have to pretend nothing's wrong. My family and friends sure got tired of helping me recover from this relationship over and over again. I must've looked like someone beating my head against a brick wall for taking him back as many times as I did!

And just think, when you heal from him and get in a healthy relationship, you won't need to keep things from people close to you and live more openly and authentically.  I ended up with distance from people I was close to when I was with her too, mostly because the chaos I was living was embarrassing to admit, plus people who care about me would have called me on my sht, and I didn't want to hear it at the time, because they were right, but I was addicted.

That's me, welcome, and yes the lessons and the other docs on this site are valuable and enlightening.  Keep posting and take care of you!

[adventurer]

Whatever you decide remaining NC or not, please take the time to take care of yourself.  Make sure, if you stay friends, that you do not let him monopolize your time and your headspace, so you can move on with other friends and a new relationship with someone healthier for you. 

His comment regarding whether or not you were married yet, after just two days, is not a good sign, I think.

[Jessica84]

Thanks everyone. You give me strength. Your responses tell me you've all been there! I have to maintain some contact with him anyway because we work in the same field. I don't see him everyday, but often enough since he and I have to work together from time to time. All the more reason to keep things at least somewhat friendly between us. I know... not only did I get involved with a colleage, but one with serious mental health issues at that. Can't say I thought that one through! At least I don't have to worry about my job. I'm very stable, and he, well, he has issues and everyone knows it.

I just keep going back and forth from shock/despair to a weird sense of relief. I started making a list of all the freedoms I'll have now. No more being a slave to my phone if, God forbid, I don't take his call or reply to a text within 2 seconds! No more accusations. No more being careful with my words to avoid an argument. No more accidentally hitting a landmine with the wrong topic. No more.

There were Too. Many. Rules.

As friends I'm no longer bound by the same rules. The relationship may have ended... but so did the fear of losing it. Ironic. I may run the risk of losing the friendship too, but what a freedom to know I can hang up, not respond, say whatever I want, disagree with him, say no, not explain myself-- all without fearing he'll end things. He already did that.

Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose...

[SickofMe]

No more being careful with my words to avoid an argument. No more accidentally hitting a landmine with the wrong topic. No more.

Amen.  So exhausting to feel muzzled all the time.

I wish you luck with this.  I don't know if it's possible to change a relationship dynamic with someone like this, but here is your chance to find out.  I'm sorry for your pain.  It's so difficult when you're left with so much pain and confusion, and feel only half-alive to process it.

[FlyingAway]

friendship is based on trust and respect, I didn't trust her and she was disrespectful to me more times than I can count.  Strike one.  And her perfect world would be keep me around to soothe her as needed while she goes and screws who she wants.  Sorry sunshine, strike two.  I'm out.



Heeltoheal, this is beautiful. As a victim of the "friendship" game, this hit home. Jessica84, please heed these wise words. My pwBPD was on a relentless pursuit of friendship following our 6-year relationship, after she met her new bf. Couldn't let me go as a source of soothing for her. I so wanted her in my life that I thought I was willing to compromise. Bad idea. Soon after, the calls started coming, all filled with innuendo about about the developing relationship between her and the replacement. My heart was ripped to shreds. I couldn't hack it, so I went NC.