One-sided sex / awkward when the focus was the BPD partner

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Is it okay to discuss our sexual relationships with the exes?

I am a woman and my ex is a man.

In the beginning of the r/s we had incredibly intimate make out sessions with more intensity and words of love and physical affection than I have ever experienced.

We also had lots of non-intercourse sex, almost entirely centered around ME and my pleasure (which was wonderful and completely different from anything I've ever experienced--oxytocin overload, for sure).

But--we almost never had actual sexual intercourse.  I'm guessing less than a dozen times in 2.5 years.  I never saw him naked, he had some ED problems and is very overweight... .I attributed it to that.  And it was only in one particular position, one in which he didn't have to actually look at me.  I don't think he actually climaxed more than five times in the entire relationship, which was actually very physical/sexual despite that.

Okay, just typing that out makes me realize what a huge    it is.

It's funny bc even though this was such a strange situation (my previous r/s had been far more typical, with my partners being more interested than I was), it still felt like the best sex life I've ever had.

Did anyone else have a strange sexual r/s, but in this sort of way?

(I'm sorry if this is too explicit, or not allowed.)

[SickofMe]

Is it okay to discuss our sexual relationships with the exes?

I am a woman and my ex is a man.

In the beginning of the r/s we had incredibly intimate make out sessions with more intensity and words of love and physical affection than I have ever experienced.

We also had lots of non-intercourse sex, almost entirely centered around ME and my pleasure (which was wonderful and completely different from anything I've ever experienced--oxytocin overload, for sure).

But--we almost never had actual sexual intercourse.  I'm guessing less than a dozen times in 2.5 years.  I never saw him naked, he had some ED problems and is very overweight... .I attributed it to that.  And it was only in one particular position, one in which he didn't have to actually look at me.  I don't think he actually climaxed more than five times in the entire relationship, which was actually very physical/sexual despite that.

Okay, just typing that out makes me realize what a huge    it is.

It's funny bc even though this was such a strange situation (my previous r/s had been far more typical, with my partners being more interested than I was), it still felt like the best sex life I've ever had.

Did anyone else have a strange sexual r/s, but in this sort of way?

(I'm sorry if this is too explicit, or not allowed.)

[Jessica84]

Absolutely! Totally got myself hooked on what you call the "oxytocin overload". The trap is thinking you'll never find that again with someone else. I did read somewhere that impotence, if not caused by some physical reason or due to a side effect of medication, can be a sign of fear of intimacy with some BPD men. Especially if sex is the way they emotionally bond with someone. Kind of makes sense.

[Recooperating]

Interesting thread!

Same thing here! I also got hooked on the oxitocine overload! Our sex life revolved more around pleasing me, then him. Not that I was lazy or didnt want to... .I did try to please him orally and ehh manually... , but he always made it around me. We did have intercourse, but he would loose his erection a lot. Best way for him was from behind.

He would go into rage when he lost his erection, mostly out of shame. He always assured me it had nothing to do with me, but he would end up punching walls, banging his head against the wall or threathn with suicide... .

My ex was also very overweight, huge! I always guessed it was because if his obesaty that he would loose his erection.

He did have a bug interest in knowing how to please women. He told me he used to watch youtube videos all the time to learn how to please women. The fact that I didnt get orgasms from penitration made him rage and feel extremely insecure. He thought he was doing it all wrong. Never did he realize a lot of women dont. He would go on about it for months, doubting himself and his penis size and accusing me of wanting to have sex with other men, since he thought he was a dissappointment. Then my exes would be drawn into it by him and the rage would reach its climax. Nothing I did or say would calm him down or make him feel better. He didnt believe when I reassured him he was the best and all I ever wanted... .

Our sex life was good, but it caused a lot of headaches too! 

[vortex of confusion]

Nope you are not alone. Sex has always been a bit awkward between me and my spouse. He couldn't get his equipment to work with me but he could get it to work for himself. He could have a sexual relationship with himself but not me. At least that is the way it felt. And, he rarely, if ever, focused on pleasing me. He would try to please me but then give up after a few minutes if I didn't respond correctly. I guess I was supposed to act like a porn star or something. And he would get mad or upset if I asked him to do anything. Sometimes, he would accidentally hurt me. It wasn't a big deal (pinched skin, pulled hair, something obviously inadvertant) but he would make a huge deal out of it and that would stop everything. Fast forward to the last year or so. The only way he could get excited about me was if I was with another man and told him about it. I was not comfortable with that. He claims to have ED but things work fine if I take care of him manually or orally. Or, if I start bringing up what I have done with other men, his equipment will start working again.

Things rarely seem to work if it is actual intercourse.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Things rarely seem to work if it is actual intercourse.

Screams fear of intimacy/engulfment. Probably triggers him to get to that point with you especially since youre married. Itd be like a death sentence for him to do this and still sustain a connection that is comfortable.

[Raybo48]

My ex was very uncomfortable sexually, at least with me.  She had to be under the covers, didn't like to be touched, etc.  She was willing to have sex, but not in the way you read as some BPD do with their hypersexual nature.  I almost was thinking she was abused as a child by someone because of the way she acted, but who knows.  I took my time with her and was caring because I could tell she was not at ease at all. 

[fred6]

My ex was very uncomfortable sexually, at least with me.  She had to be under the covers, didn't like to be touched, etc.  She was willing to have sex, but not in the way you read as some BPD do with their hypersexual nature.  I almost was thinking she was abused as a child by someone because of the way she acted, but who knows.  I took my time with her and was caring because I could tell she was not at ease at all.  

Mine had to have the lights off and be under the covers also. We had sex one time during the daylight hours that I can remember in 3 years. She didn't have a problem being naked around me though. She would get out of the shower or change clothes and walk around naked looking for clothes.

My ex has told me stories that seems to me like she was promiscuous. Things like, "I believe in god and know sex without marriage is wrong, but if I want sex I go to the bar and get sex". She gets pregnant by a married guy and needs a DNA test because she was sleeping with another guy at the same time, obviously unprotected. She was involved with another guy that was separated(married). And other assorted stories. However, she never seemed comfortable having sex with me. Always detached and never did anything but laid there. Almost seems like she didn't know what to do. Then about halfway through the 3 year relationship she started to sexually withdraw and give the excuse that due to her first BF raping her several times, that "sex means nothing to me". After a while of this detached sex, no participation from her, and being turned down half the time I started having performance issues. I don't know if me being 42 has anything to do with it or not. Never had problems before unless I was drunk. Our sex life was dysfunctional for the whole 3 years with exception of the first few months. Given her sexual past and her cheating on me, how can someone not like sex but be promiscuous like that. Can a slut really not like sex? If you don't like it, why would you do it?

Actually, that reminds me what she said the first time we had sex. We were having sex and I told her that it felt good. Her reply was, "It's all the same, just another wet hole". What the hell does that mean?

[vortex of confusion]

Speaking of awkward sex, did anybody else's partner have to clean up immediately after? My husband kept a towel under the corn of the bed so he could clean up immediately afterwards. And, there was usually very little cuddling before for after. The guys that I have been with other than my husband did not make a big deal out of cleaning up and they would usually cuddle or talk or engage in some kind of foreplay or after play. With my husband, there was never any of that to speak of. He used to complain that he was afraid the kids would hear something so I would get the kids to sleep and then come to him. We would do our thing and he would roll over with his back to me like I was nothing more than ___. It got to the point where I felt like nothing more than a dumpster. But, my husband is a sex addict and used me.

I speculate that sex with a spouse is way more difficult than it is with somebody else because a spouse expects intimacy and a hook up does not.

[clydegriffith]

Never anything awkward sexually with the BPDx just too much. At first that was great but after a while it's probably not a good idea to be up until 2am having sex for hours every single night when you have to wake up at 7 for work. She would want to go again before i left for work. My attorney thought she was a sex addict.

[fred6]

Speaking of awkward sex, did anybody else's partner have to clean up immediately after? My husband kept a towel under the corn of the bed so he could clean up immediately afterwards. And, there was usually very little cuddling before for after. The guys that I have been with other than my husband did not make a big deal out of cleaning up and they would usually cuddle or talk or engage in some kind of foreplay or after play. With my husband, there was never any of that to speak of. He used to complain that he was afraid the kids would hear something so I would get the kids to sleep and then come to him. We would do our thing and he would roll over with his back to me like I was nothing more than ___. It got to the point where I felt like nothing more than a dumpster. But, my husband is a sex addict and used me.

I speculate that sex with a spouse is way more difficult than it is with somebody else because a spouse expects intimacy and a hook up does not.

We both would clean up and put clothes on. She would get up and sit on the toilet and I would kind of wipe off. In the beginning we would have some pillow talk and/or cuddle. But towards the end, we would just clean up, go back to bed, and say "I love you". By that time, I was so sexually frustrated that I would just "get mine" as quickly as possible and go to sleep. Having sex with someone that detached from sex gets to you after a while. I swear to god that most of the time she looked like she would rather be laying in a dentist chair getting a tooth pulled. I fear that I'll have performance issues with future partners from all of this crap.

[vortex of confusion]

We both would clean up and put clothes on. She would get up and sit on the toilet and I would kind of wipe off. In the beginning we would have some pillow talk and/or cuddle. But towards the end, we would just clean up, go back to bed, and say "I love you". By that time, I was so sexually frustrated that I would just "get mine" as quickly as possible and go to sleep. Having sex with someone that detached from sex gets to you after a while. I swear to god that most of the time she looked like she would rather be laying in a dentist chair getting a tooth pulled. I fear that I'll have performance issues with future partners from all of this crap.

I know exactly what you are saying about the whole detachment thing. I know I got to a point where *I* wanted to rush off and clean up because being with him made me feel a bit dirty. Things should NEVER be like that with a spouse especially after being together and married for as long as we have.

[SickofMe]

Thank you for sharing these "intimacies" with me... .all the puzzle pieces seem to fall into place, slowly.

BPD stuff really is all about intimacy, I guess I never totally realized that.  I consider myself to be sorta average in terms of sex drive and inhibitions.  In previous relationships, I'd often felt kind of "used," sexually... .bc I used to exclusively date very Alpha Male types who were way more sexually driven than I am.

Ironically, I was both elated and relieved that my ex seemed more worried about me, in bed, than he was about his own needs.

Seems like there is always some new, fun (haha) form of dysfunction to learn about--where the heck is normal?

[Lolster]

Sounds familiar.  The guy I was with could not orgasm, at least very rarely.  He bragged about knowing how to please women better than anyone else (he implied all his ex's had told him so). And although he definitely knew how to please a woman it was disturbing  Having sex with him was like taking part in a porn video with an actor. It became boring very fast as he could not deal with reciprocation, and yes, leaves you feeling dirty when they run to shower immediately after!    

[SpringInMyStep]

Yes, interesting thread indeed! My ex wife and I (I'm also a woman) had a sex life focused mostly on BDSM stuff, with me being the dominant one. The thing is, I basically did things to her but she did not reciprocate! I guess I thought that was ok for quite a while because I got to adore her and do things to her and that was fun.

Looking back, I realize that she never really wanted to do things to me. She'd say "well you can order me to do stuff to you!"... .but I didn't want that! I want someone who wants me, not someone I have to order around.

I'm not interested in dating or anything right now and that's ok with me. I think her overt sexuality is sort of a turn off to me now and I feel a little queasy thinking about it.

[vortex of confusion]

Yes, interesting thread indeed! My ex wife and I (I'm also a woman) had a sex life focused mostly on BDSM stuff, with me being the dominant one. The thing is, I basically did things to her but she did not reciprocate! I guess I thought that was ok for quite a while because I got to adore her and do things to her and that was fun.

Looking back, I realize that she never really wanted to do things to me. She'd say "well you can order me to do stuff to you!"... .but I didn't want that! I want someone who wants me, not someone I have to order around.

I want someone who wants me

That has been my biggest complaint. I never really felt like my husband wanted me. For the longest time, I thought I was just being too demanding or reading things wrong. He would always assure me that he wanted me. However, his actions rarely lived up to that. It was this really weird push/pull where he would make it clear that he wanted to do stuff but he would never initiate. So I tried to initiate more and then that would put him on the spot and make him uncomfortable. I had only had one serious relationship before my husband and there was never any weirdness in the bedroom. Most of the time, things were very mutual where it was difficult to tell who was the one initiating things.

[SpringInMyStep]

Vortex... .I feel your pain! To this day I really don't think she was ever actually attracted to me physically. I believe that her definition of love was "someone who buys me things and does stuff for me". Seriously. It's really done a number on my self-esteem! I'm definitely working on it, but for the time being, I have zero interest in dating.

[Spartacus]

This was a very confusing part of my relationship with my uBPDw. Initially she told me about her past relationships where she was very much the victim in all of them, unfaithful partners and abuse. She even thought there was a chance she had been abused by her close family members when very young. So I went slowly and carefully. I told her about my rather unspectacular past relationships yet I said too much in a thoughtless way which she got very upset about.

She made very little effort/detached when we had sex other than demanding it, no foreplay to speak of and I was expected to be ready and up for it at any time. Rage if I wasn't. Yet later on she said that she had never gained any pleasure from intercourse. I would spend long periods pleasuring her for her to then just turn over and go to sleep. Early on she wanted lots of sex. One thing I found weird was her need for us to have sex in her parents house whilst they were out but definitely in the places where her mother and her father liked to sit on the sofa. It was urgent and aggressive like she was getting at them in some way. I never confronted her about this. Awkward.

She frequently accused me of treating her like an object if I closed my eyes or didn't make enough noise. It got so stressful with the break up push/pull behavior, disrupted sleep, accusations and rages that I did suffer from occasional ED and this was yet another thing for her to use against me. She told me that I would be forcing her to go off and have an affair if I didn't fix this.

By the end of the relationship I felt so broken and codependent that she could manipulate me into anything. Glad to be out of the crazy making.

[Deeno02]

16 months together and my GF performed oral on me once. Once. Intercourse, yes. Me? Took care of her numerous times both orally and huddled under the blankets while her 5 kids ran all over the place. Another flag I missed. Totally one sided relationship.