New to this and convinced I woke up in the Matrix

[Biggbulldog51]

My wife of twenty two years and I are having huge issues currently and I believe she may suffer with BPD.  Here is a list of things she has said and continually says to me:

1.  You don't listen to me.  You may be able to quote me, but you don't really hear me.

2.  I have lost who I am.  I am just trying to get "me" back.

3.  I feel hollow/empty.

4.  I can't trust you with everything.  I have never been able to completely trust anyone.

5.  Everything you say is negative.

6.  I know how I behave is causing you pain and I hate that.

7.  I am always hesitant to do anything around you because you make me feel stupid.

8.  (Last night... .we had a two hour "discussion" because I told her "thank you" and she accused me of having malicious intent.)  Actually happened, not something she said.

9.  I feel like I am never your priority.

10.  You never complete anything.

11.  Just because I am emotional doesn't mean I am wrong.

12.  I feel guilty because I am angry with you.

When I empathize, she feels like I am making the conversation about "ME".  If I say, "I understand" or "I hurt too" she is offended because I am taking the focus away from the emotion she is attempting to convey to me.

From a behavioral perspective, she has recently reconnected with a high school lover via facebook.  They are separated by thousands of miles physically.  He is also married and she claims they are just friends.  That well may be accurate, however, she takes on a completely different countenance when speaking with or texting him.  That is what gets my attention.  Her personality change is visible.  Even though I have asked her to put the friendship on hold until our issues are resolved, she refuses.  She spends money we don't have in the budget and turns to "retail therapy" as often as possible and blames me for not having a budget when we in fact do have one on a spreadsheet.  I can say the most benign thing and she will create an entire back ground story around it that forces my comment to seem malicious.  She sees anger in my face that is not there and hears condescension in my voice when there is none in my heart.

My wife has had one visit with a counselor recently and has more scheduled.  She also has seen one a couple of times over the years.  She was diagnosed with depression a few years ago and is taking an antidepressant regularly as prescribed.  She did make a suicide attempt around 25 years ago.  As for recent changes in our situation, I had a failed spinal surgery 5 years ago and am now wheelchair bound.  I once had a fairly high six figure income career and now am on disability from social security.  Where she never had to budget before, it is now required.  My career kept me away from the house 80 hours or more per week.  Now I am home most days.  She now has her own business, it is profitable but it is in its infancy.  We lost our house 3 years ago due to the disability and our not being able to afford it any longer.  We do, however, own our current home without mortgage and we have clear title to four automobiles.  We have four children in the house ages 15, 17, 19 and 31.  There is another son and grandson living about 550 miles away.

She says she loves me deeply and I believe her.  She tells me she wants our marriage to heal and last as a healthy one should.  She refuses to physically cheat as it is a line I crossed roughly 18 years ago.  She admits to one previous emotional affair but will not categorize her newly rekindled friendship as such.  I tend to be narcissistic to a degree but would more often be considered an A-type personality.  Although disabled and morbidly obese, I am not depressed.  I volunteer at a local nursing home.  I lead a small group within our church and have friendships that have endured my lifetime.  That was a long way to go to get here.  I am lost.  I cannot figure out the next step.  Everything I attempt makes things worse for her.  So, please... .help.

The more time I spend here on this site, the less excited I am.  The vast majority of the information, posts and boards deal with ended relationships and the wounds and healing from these ended relationships.  I keep waiting for the punch line.  ... .Nope... .still nothing to laugh about.  I almost expect two things will happen.  First I suspect the members here are waiting for me to self discover that good, happy and healthy relationships are not possible when BPD is involved and once I discover this, I get to graduate to the other boards.  Second, it feels as if I am supposed to realize at some point that I am the one with BPD.  While I do not relish this possibility, I would almost be ok with it. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[takingandsending]

 Hi Biggbulldog 

The behaviors that you describe sound like BPD or at least BPD traits. The first couple of Lessons on the right of this page really do contain a lot of information that help someone begin to make sense of the Matrix.

The more time I spend here on this site, the less excited I am.  The vast majority of the information, posts and boards deal with ended relationships and the wounds and healing from these ended relationships.  I keep waiting for the punch line.  ... .Nope... .still nothing to laugh about.  I almost expect two things will happen.  First I suspect the members here are waiting for me to self discover that good, happy and healthy relationships are not possible when BPD is involved and once I discover this, I get to graduate to the other boards.  Second, it feels as if I am supposed to realize at some point that I am the one with BPD.  While I do not relish this possibility, I would almost be ok with it. 

I can appreciate where you are coming from. I am in a 17 year relationship (15 married) with my uBPDw. When I first checked out this website, I didn't register, as I felt the posts were too overwhelmingly negative. Not sure why, but I came back to it, and I have found that slowly, consistently learning and applying the lessons, the communication approaches, taking care of myself before resentments build up, not reacting so much ... .all of these things are having a positive impact on my relationship with my wife.

The reason so many people post their heartache or trauma is that there is so little opportunity for validation within the relationship with pwBPD. It's part of the illness. So, we should all be working to respect each other's journey here and do the best we can to support one another. I think if you start looking at the Lessons and applying the tools, you will see that people will support you on your path. There is nothing easy about this mental illness, for the people suffering from it or the nons who live with them. But that isn't to say there is no hope for things improving. For me, it is turning out to be a lot of examination of who I am, what I want, and where I am willing to work on my contribution to the RS.

I encourage you to give this a chance. It's never easy when you first begin to wrestle with the possibility that your loved one may have a mental illness. So many natural feelings arise. But if you can stay with those feelings, sometimes in the deep hurt of them, they can begin to grow into something better.

Please keep posting. Let us know what you are doing and how you are doing. And ask specific questions as they arise. I believe there is help here.