It's the Tone of Voice

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Morning everyone.

Something just happened a few moments ago that prompted me to share.  I was sitting in the bedroom watching TV and working on the computer when my uBPD mother barged in.  It was only about 10:30 am and she had just woken up.  She announced, "I'm cleaning today.  So you need to get out.  Your oatmeal is in the kitchen.  Will you be eating it?  Because I need to clean the kitchen and it's in my way.  This is MY house and I clean on Saturdays.  That's MY routine... ."

It was just so inappropriate on so many levels.  First, it was so sudden - just completely out of the blue.  Yesterday, she was being nice to me.  She was being "good mommy" and was trying to get close to me and talk to me (that didn't go well, for me, at least).  Then, suddenly this morning 360 turnaround - different posture, different approach... .

It's the tone of her voice that really gets me. It's so awful.  It's very domineering and dictatorial.  It is also seething with resentment and an "Oh, I am just so put upon" edge.  And it's so insistent that I do what she wants when she wants, so I'm supposed to jump up and run to the kitchen and clean my oatmeal out of the crockpot.

These are the times when I just want to scream at her and tell her how ill she is and that she needs to be medicated and to stop blaming everyone else for her life and to take some responsibility for her behavior. But, because of this board and the work I'm doing in therapy, I realize the futility of this.  Any criticism, no matter if I couch it very gently, will immediately send her into a rage and she will blame me for being the problem.  The rage will escalate and she'll scream and yell and rant and rave and this will go on for an hour.  Then, I'll get the silent treatment for four days until she returns to baseline.  At that point, she'll start trying to befriend me again.

Now, what's tough about this situation is that it sounds like I'm a child here, but I'm not.  I'm 45 and I'm living back with my parents because of financial difficulties and she said it was OK, but now both her and my uNPD stepfather are acting like I'm a horrible daughter.  I am able not to personalize this, finally, at this point in my life, because they treated me this way when I was 10 and, obviously, there's not much a 10 year old can do to provoke this kind of resentment and anger.  They're just angry, resentful and unhappy people.

For the most part, things are working out here because I just don't fight back anymore and that's been a big lesson for me.  For the most part, my mother leaves me alone, but I've just learned to accept that when she does talk to me it will either be to criticize me or some type of insult veiled as a compliment.

I have recently started going to Adult Children of Alcoholics and also a food program called Food Addicts in Recovery because I'm very overweight after a bout with thyroid cancer.  These programs are helping me a lot to learn how to better manage my relationship with my parents.  Much of the time, that management means not responding to their provocations and trying not to personalize their behaviors.  A good by-product of this is that I also find myself walking away quicker from narcissistic people and situations, and that's a good thing.  It's good to be able to recognize when something or someone is toxic for you.  It's taken me a long time.

But, you know, that tone in her voice.  It's just horrible.  In that few moments when her impulsiveness and her inner urge dominates her personality, she simply must tell me what she thinks right at that moment.  And the message is always that I'm doing or am wrong - that my entire being is just not satisfactory. It's only now with adult eyes and mind that I can look at her and just realize how absurd, insane and sad her behavior is.  Sad for me. Sad for her.  Sad for everyone.  That "tone" of voice destroyed my self-esteem as a child and even as an adult. 

My hope is that someday I'll be able to have a happy and fulfilling life.  And, I mean I hope that I can really be happy and have fun.  I am just now realizing how miserable my parents are and how much fun and joy they have robbed me, and themselves, of. 

[jmanvo2015]

Morning everyone.

Something just happened a few moments ago that prompted me to share.  I was sitting in the bedroom watching TV and working on the computer when my uBPD mother barged in.  It was only about 10:30 am and she had just woken up.  She announced, "I'm cleaning today.  So you need to get out.  Your oatmeal is in the kitchen.  Will you be eating it?  Because I need to clean the kitchen and it's in my way.  This is MY house and I clean on Saturdays.  That's MY routine... ."

It was just so inappropriate on so many levels.  First, it was so sudden - just completely out of the blue.  Yesterday, she was being nice to me.  She was being "good mommy" and was trying to get close to me and talk to me (that didn't go well, for me, at least).  Then, suddenly this morning 360 turnaround - different posture, different approach... .

It's the tone of her voice that really gets me. It's so awful.  It's very domineering and dictatorial.  It is also seething with resentment and an "Oh, I am just so put upon" edge.  And it's so insistent that I do what she wants when she wants, so I'm supposed to jump up and run to the kitchen and clean my oatmeal out of the crockpot.

These are the times when I just want to scream at her and tell her how ill she is and that she needs to be medicated and to stop blaming everyone else for her life and to take some responsibility for her behavior. But, because of this board and the work I'm doing in therapy, I realize the futility of this.  Any criticism, no matter if I couch it very gently, will immediately send her into a rage and she will blame me for being the problem.  The rage will escalate and she'll scream and yell and rant and rave and this will go on for an hour.  Then, I'll get the silent treatment for four days until she returns to baseline.  At that point, she'll start trying to befriend me again.

Now, what's tough about this situation is that it sounds like I'm a child here, but I'm not.  I'm 45 and I'm living back with my parents because of financial difficulties and she said it was OK, but now both her and my uNPD stepfather are acting like I'm a horrible daughter.  I am able not to personalize this, finally, at this point in my life, because they treated me this way when I was 10 and, obviously, there's not much a 10 year old can do to provoke this kind of resentment and anger.  They're just angry, resentful and unhappy people.

For the most part, things are working out here because I just don't fight back anymore and that's been a big lesson for me.  For the most part, my mother leaves me alone, but I've just learned to accept that when she does talk to me it will either be to criticize me or some type of insult veiled as a compliment.

I have recently started going to Adult Children of Alcoholics and also a food program called Food Addicts in Recovery because I'm very overweight after a bout with thyroid cancer.  These programs are helping me a lot to learn how to better manage my relationship with my parents.  Much of the time, that management means not responding to their provocations and trying not to personalize their behaviors.  A good by-product of this is that I also find myself walking away quicker from narcissistic people and situations, and that's a good thing.  It's good to be able to recognize when something or someone is toxic for you.  It's taken me a long time.

But, you know, that tone in her voice.  It's just horrible.  In that few moments when her impulsiveness and her inner urge dominates her personality, she simply must tell me what she thinks right at that moment.  And the message is always that I'm doing or am wrong - that my entire being is just not satisfactory. It's only now with adult eyes and mind that I can look at her and just realize how absurd, insane and sad her behavior is.  Sad for me. Sad for her.  Sad for everyone.  That "tone" of voice destroyed my self-esteem as a child and even as an adult. 

My hope is that someday I'll be able to have a happy and fulfilling life.  And, I mean I hope that I can really be happy and have fun.  I am just now realizing how miserable my parents are and how much fun and joy they have robbed me, and themselves, of. 

[smrk871345]

Wow thanks for sharing! You just wrote my life! That is exactly what I'm going through right now - almost to the letter - except that I'm in my late 30s and not overweight (and I attribute that to all the fat-shaming I've had to endure.) My financial circumstances are similar to yours. My mother is as you described. My path of healing is close to what you shared. I really want to write more and expound on all that, but I'm too upset right now and I have to study. Finishing the emotional work and getting my insurance license are what's gonna get me out.

[Indie]

It is amazing how powerful a voice/sound/tone is.  There has been research on this.  While we are visual beings for the most part, sound is intimately connected to our emotions.

I am NC with my 92 year old uBPDm for a few months now.  It has not improved all areas of my being, but the fact that I do not have to hear her voice is a blessing.  Her voice had become excruciatingly painful to my entire physical system.  To the point where I did not believe I could hang on to my own sanity if I had to hear her go on and on. 

Sending you a hug, and love and peace.

[aubin]

the fact that I do not have to hear her voice is a blessing.  Her voice had become excruciatingly painful to my entire physical system. 

This! Even after a few years of reading these boards, I'm still amazed to come across posts that describe my exact situation. Throughout my childhood the sound of my mother's voice would Instantly send me to a place of fear and anger . And her tone -- so haughty and nasty and full of contempt. Ugh. VLC with my mother has also meant quieting her voice in my head, a blessing indeed.

So sorry you still have to deal with this jmanvo, though it sounds like you have good insight into your own emotions and not getting caught up in hers. Hang in there.

[yogibear60]

Hi;  My mother's tone could freeze the blood in my veins.  It would raise the hair on the back of my neck.  I knew something was heading my way.  This is so healthy that you are calling the triggers.  The later years that she lived with me I started wearing head phones, listening to music, blocking out that noise.  She use to sit in the front room which is right next to my office and say things just loud enough for me to hear.  When I would confront her she would respond with "just talking to myself, is that all right with you?"  Of course it was in a very nasty voice... .  trying to pick a fight.  Headphones worked for me, most of the time. 

[Blimblam]

Jmanvo

I can really relate to what you are saying.

My uBPD mom does these types of things too. She is I'm therapy but it's like she really can't help it. It doesn't make it hurt any less though.

The situation you are in is really tough and I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

When people close like your parents systematically undermine your autonomy and authority over yourself it is horrible!

There's been a few occosions I have entered into situations with my parents like your own and my self confidence was decimated by it. It makes it very difficult to achieve in your life when you are stuck processing the pain someone else "gifted" you and keeps you off ballance. That has been my experience.

The strategy I have slowly began to is to create a false self specifically for them to feed them Nsupply with so I can remain slightly detached. I do this with awareness of when I am utilizing the false self then when I feel genuine gratitude express genuine gratitude.

I am not sure this is the healthiest way to go about it.

The thing is they want you to succeed so they tell you this and encourage you then with the other hand undermine you so they can keep you in a one down positions to have this authority over you and continue to express their disapproval and sympathy. It's a vicious cycle!

Ugh. At least we are aware now and this gives us the opportunity to depersonalize it as much as possible.

[Verbena]

I know all about that tone of voice.  My H can be very animated with others and speak in a "normal" tone.  With me, he is almost always flat, monotone, mumbly.  And he can switch back and forth at will.  It's a choice to speak that way, and for my H it is a product of his deep-seated anger issues.  He has ZERO recognition of how he comes across. 

Sometimes I try to answer back in a very pleasant voice, just to show him the contrast.  He doesn't get it.   

You describe your parents as "angry, resentful, unhappy people."  That is how I would describe my H. My only advice is to stay out of their way and not respond in kind to that nasty tone of voice.  It's THEIR problem and it's their CHOICE to act the way they do.   

[Dejasade]

Morning everyone.

Something just happened a few moments ago that prompted me to share.  I was sitting in the bedroom watching TV and working on the computer when my uBPD mother barged in.  It was only about 10:30 am and she had just woken up.  She announced, "I'm cleaning today.  So you need to get out.  Your oatmeal is in the kitchen.  Will you be eating it?  Because I need to clean the kitchen and it's in my way.  This is MY house and I clean on Saturdays.  That's MY routine... ."

It was just so inappropriate on so many levels.  First, it was so sudden - just completely out of the blue.  Yesterday, she was being nice to me.  She was being "good mommy" and was trying to get close to me and talk to me (that didn't go well, for me, at least).  Then, suddenly this morning 360 turnaround - different posture, different approach... .

It's the tone of her voice that really gets me. It's so awful.  It's very domineering and dictatorial.  It is also seething with resentment and an "Oh, I am just so put upon" edge.  And it's so insistent that I do what she wants when she wants, so I'm supposed to jump up and run to the kitchen and clean my oatmeal out of the crockpot.

These are the times when I just want to scream at her and tell her how ill she is and that she needs to be medicated and to stop blaming everyone else for her life and to take some responsibility for her behavior. But, because of this board and the work I'm doing in therapy, I realize the futility of this.  Any criticism, no matter if I couch it very gently, will immediately send her into a rage and she will blame me for being the problem.  The rage will escalate and she'll scream and yell and rant and rave and this will go on for an hour.  Then, I'll get the silent treatment for four days until she returns to baseline.  At that point, she'll start trying to befriend me again.

Now, what's tough about this situation is that it sounds like I'm a child here, but I'm not.  I'm 45 and I'm living back with my parents because of financial difficulties and she said it was OK, but now both her and my uNPD stepfather are acting like I'm a horrible daughter.  I am able not to personalize this, finally, at this point in my life, because they treated me this way when I was 10 and, obviously, there's not much a 10 year old can do to provoke this kind of resentment and anger.  They're just angry, resentful and unhappy people.

For the most part, things are working out here because I just don't fight back anymore and that's been a big lesson for me.  For the most part, my mother leaves me alone, but I've just learned to accept that when she does talk to me it will either be to criticize me or some type of insult veiled as a compliment.

I have recently started going to Adult Children of Alcoholics and also a food program called Food Addicts in Recovery because I'm very overweight after a bout with thyroid cancer.  These programs are helping me a lot to learn how to better manage my relationship with my parents.  Much of the time, that management means not responding to their provocations and trying not to personalize their behaviors.  A good by-product of this is that I also find myself walking away quicker from narcissistic people and situations, and that's a good thing.  It's good to be able to recognize when something or someone is toxic for you.  It's taken me a long time.

But, you know, that tone in her voice.  It's just horrible.  In that few moments when her impulsiveness and her inner urge dominates her personality, she simply must tell me what she thinks right at that moment.  And the message is always that I'm doing or am wrong - that my entire being is just not satisfactory. It's only now with adult eyes and mind that I can look at her and just realize how absurd, insane and sad her behavior is.  Sad for me. Sad for her.  Sad for everyone.  That "tone" of voice destroyed my self-esteem as a child and even as an adult. 

My hope is that someday I'll be able to have a happy and fulfilling life.  And, I mean I hope that I can really be happy and have fun.  I am just now realizing how miserable my parents are and how much fun and joy they have robbed me, and themselves, of. 

I know EXACTLY what you mean about tone of voice.  Mine does the exact same thing.  One day it's "nice Mother, sweet Mother" the next it's that domineering, just plain NASTY voice talking to you.

My uBPD Mother did that to me this weekend.  I am currently pregnant w/ my first child (a daughter). I went shopping w/ her (had to... .my husband had our car that we had driven up with) and we were going to visit my sister who just had a baby.  Anyways, being a female, having a baby girl, it's fun to buy clothes for her.  I had picked up 2 outfits I was going to buy and was strolling along the store.  My UBPD mother came over, picked up my 2 outfits and in the nastiest voice said, "stop BUYING HER CLOTHES!"  Just plain mean, nasty, inappropriate, any other negative word you can think of.  It upsets me for a few minutes and then I realize how SICK she really is.  I feel bad for HER.

You can't let your mother destroy you and your life.  You need to remember she's sick.  Don't let her rob you of enjoying life.  I know it's easier said than done... .

Good luck to you.