Am I over-reacting? Pls help

[Depression = 72% of members]

Coming in late on this!  Harri, you are so articulate.  Thank you for taking the time to write out the details.  To everyone else, such good feedback.  I can imagine that to some, who are more "normal" or not encumbered by the type of past we here share, the details of these encounters and your feelings and reactions may be boring!   

I want to tell you how much I get it.  The whole second guessing, am I too thin skinned, too whatever, not enough whatever. what is wrong with me and my radar, on and on.

Communication tools, here I come.

Ice cream?  Did someone say ice cream?   

[Indie]

Coming in late on this!  Harri, you are so articulate.  Thank you for taking the time to write out the details.  To everyone else, such good feedback.  I can imagine that to some, who are more "normal" or not encumbered by the type of past we here share, the details of these encounters and your feelings and reactions may be boring!   

I want to tell you how much I get it.  The whole second guessing, am I too thin skinned, too whatever, not enough whatever. what is wrong with me and my radar, on and on.

Communication tools, here I come.

Ice cream?  Did someone say ice cream?   

[Panda39]

Hi Harri,

Sounds to me like your "gut" is working fine (even though you're not totally sure about it).  Not confirming an appointment and then blaming you for not showing up is just plan rude.  And yes it sounds like she wants to get involved and share way too much way too fast.  I also want to validate your self-awareness in questioning if your perceptions seem skewed.  I really don't think they are in relation to this situation you were able to spot those pesky red flags   

I think everyone else had good advice and I agree just let this fizzle out and don't feel guilty about it    It is okay to let this acquaintance go.  If you had decided to let a long term friendship go then I think more discussion with that person might be warranted but in this situation it's really not needed.

I guess I'd also like to point out that there are many levels of friendships. Not everyone you are friends with has to be your "kindred spirit" and some friends may even have some qualities that you don't really like but can overlook because they have other overriding qualities you do like and other friends you just hit it off with right away, other friends may just involve a particular interest that you both have in common.  Friendships also change sometimes moving closer and sometimes moving apart just because people change over time.  So along with listening to your "gut feelings" also maybe think about the scope of the friendship. 

I have a friend for instance that can be manipulative in the ways she goes after things she wants however she is also very generous, thoughtful, fun, funny and very outgoing.  I was aware of the manipulative side and as long as that was kept in check regarding me and our friendship I was fine.  Five years later that began to shift and I began to feel used so I have placed some emotional distance between us and don't hang out with her nearly as much as we had in the past.  I also put up some boundaries up around what I will and won't do for her.  It's what I had to do for me.  We are still friends just not as close but in a place that I feel comfortable.

Keep listening to that voice inside you.  If it tells you someone isn't right for you... .then someone isn't right for you.

Keep up all the good work your doing great 

[Harri]

P.F.Change, thank you for the direction on matching values and boundaries!  I have been thinking about that and actively working on it the past couple of days.  It is actually hard to identify my values.  Most of the boundaries I have expressed successfully were with my parents or only kicked in once situations/relationships had reached toxic levels because I did not set boundaries from the beginning.  As I've said before, they were hard lined and pretty in your face as that was what was needed and by then my emotions were at an all time high.  I think I am going to have to do a lot of checking with myself and maybe here as I work on this issue. 

Also, I want to thank you for reminding me of the value of the tools.  I have recommended them to people here because I do know they work and are useful.  When I bi*ched about them here, I was very grumpy about the need for them to begin with and I was focusing on what I wished were reality rather than just accepting what is.  It does frustrate me at times that there are people out there who were raised in 'normal' families who do this stuff naturally.  It just comes naturally to them.  They don't have to think about them and stress out over being too sensitive.  I don't often have pity parties for myself, but I did do that here.  I'm sorry.

Ziggiddy, thank you.  I definitely do get caught up in thinking I should have already mastered this and I should have more friends than I do have, etc.  I am not sure my parents ever tried to hurry me along with stuff.  I don't remember that being an issue.  I do remember being told I was 'born knowing how to talk to people and behave' and I was often asked for advice and opinions and was relied upon to make decisions at a very early age.  So maybe that is where the pressure to get this done comes from?  Am I still thinking there is some part of me that automatically knows all this stuff?  I dunno.

Also, thanks for you kind words.  I do feel very supported by the people here though I am always somewhat surprised that people do respond.  Everyone is so giving and patient even when we may not agree on certain things.  It really is a unique board in terms of the support and compassion offered here.  I am thankful to be a part of that. 

Most people get it and WON'T punish or blame you. And if they do, then you know for sure they are not a good fit for you.

Somehow I am going to have to get this through my head.  I *always* go to "what is wrong with me" and "why don't people like me" and that needs to change.  I don't expect to be liked by everyone (though i would not mind that) and I am aware that I am more of an acquired taste and i need to be truly okay with that.  Thanks for that Zig.  Rather than me being bad or them being bad, it is simply a matter of being a poor fit.  That sounds more balanced.

So I process things as I am writing and I never really know where I am going to end up.  After writing that last part about needing to be okay, I immediately thought about the fact that I will self-sabotage how people see me.  (I think I spoke of this on another thread but I don't remember where.  It may even have been this one.    )  I want to make sure people know I am a jerk, flawed, not good on my terms rather than have them find out later after I have grown to like them.  That way I protect myself from being hurt when they decide I am not someone they want to be around.  And this is in conflict with what I said in the above paragraph about not expecting to be liked by everyone.  Why would I self sabotage if I truly felt that way?  So there is a disconnect there... .  Ugh.  Where to go with that?  I have no clue.

I am sorry Little Zig got upset.  Little Harri has not been around for a long time.  I was thinking she was grown up but does that ever truly happen?  I am starting to doubt it.  So I would like to join you under the slide and maybe little Zig will come out and have some icecream.  No cone for me though.  I prefer a bowl because the cones get in the way of the good stuff!   

Jman, Indie and panda, thank you so much for your support.  It means more than I can say to have you all read this and give me feedback.  You all telling me to listen to and trust my gut is something i really need to hear.  I have learned not to trust it because trusting it was a direct threat to my safety when I was a kid so unlearning that is so very challenging. 

Indie, thank you for saying this thread helped you too.  It still seems like a silly problem to me, but it is usually the small things that trip me up and then lead to bigger issues.  Grab a spoon (or a cone) and come join us under the slide!

Panda, thanks for your input re: the scope of friendship.  It makes sense and it is something I have been trying to work on so your examples are very helpful.  It sounds like you have really mastered this friendship business!

As a final note, I think I have chased this friend off and I am okay with that.  She had messaged me again wanting to go for coffee and I refused.  She then posted a bunch of annoying stickers in our chat showing her eating junk food (she is not supposed to due to health issues) drinking (she is an alcoholic) and ended with one with tears streaming down her face.  That annoyed me to no end so I replied that I will be very busy for the next month so I will not be available which is true.  I have had one major source of stress favorably resolved (as in I will not be losing my home and all my possessions!  ) and will hopefully get more good news in the next two and a half weeks and then i should be able to breathe and focus a bit better than I have.  I do not need to add more stress and annoyance to my life.  So after that, if she still contacts me I am just going to tell that I don't think we are a good fit (or whatever).  I don't want to leave it hanging if she has not gotten the message but with that last bit with the stickers I have firmly moved her into the bat s*it crazy bin.   

Thanks again for listening and sticking with this post! 

[Koala Bear]

I am only new here but found the way you worked through the issue very inspiring. Keep up the good work.

She had messaged me again wanting to go for coffee and I refused.  She then posted a bunch of annoying stickers in our chat showing her eating junk food (she is not supposed to due to health issues) drinking (she is an alcoholic) and ended with one with tears streaming down her face.

To me this sounds like an attempt at manipulation by guilt. Red flag material if anything was and the near collision. She would have been in the wrong if there had been one. So, obviously she twists everything around until she is in the right.

[pessim-optimist]

You are doing really well tuning-into your gut instincts. 

It does frustrate me at times that there are people out there who were raised in 'normal' families who do this stuff naturally.  It just comes naturally to them.  They don't have to think about them and stress out over being too sensitive.

You mean it frustrates you that you have to work over-time at it, and others had this dropped into their laps gift-wrapped with a ribbon on it? 

It's just that your senses are confused. They are functioning well, they are just conditioned differently. Like when you have been out at sea for a long time, and step off onto solid ground, it feels like the ground is moving. 

If you take a while, your inner-ear adjusts and the ground "stops moving".

There will be a day when you don't give it much thought either, and will be doing things more naturally.

[Harri]

Hi K-bear, and welcome!  Thank you.  I am glad if this helps someone else too.  I agree that she tried manipulation tactics through guilt and little does she know, but that is one of my hot buttons.  I get angry with that type of behavior but I am more repulsed by it than anything so this whole potential friendship is over for me.  I am just thankful she is showing this so early on and that I am at a point where I can see it before it becomes too big of a problem. 

Pessim-optimist, thank you for the encouragement and for the new perspective re: my gut instincts.  It makes me happy to think that someday this stuff will be second nature to me.   I was wondering how to tell the difference between fear which sometimes tells me to run and a good gut instinct that tells me to run.  So far, the only thing I have come up with is that the healthy "run" message is the quiet one in the back saying clearly and calmly to run, something is wrong, etc rather than the loud panicky one.

[pessim-optimist]

You're welcome, Harri.

I was wondering how to tell the difference between fear which sometimes tells me to run and a good gut instinct that tells me to run.  So far, the only thing I have come up with is that the healthy "run" message is the quiet one in the back saying clearly and calmly to run, something is wrong, etc rather than the loud panicky one.

That's a really good way to look at it.

Also, if you ask yourself: Ok, I feel like I need to run. Why do I need to run?

If the answer is something like: 'because this person will get to know me, and they will not like me' that's clearly fear. Even here, it might be a signal that perhaps you see already that you have some deep differences and may not be compatible, and you fear that you will get to know each other, and then drift apart and you are afraid that it might turn awkward, or painful, but it's also a possibility that it's just plain fear.

However, if the answer is: 'because I see these behaviors    that are not healthy.' or simply 'because this person creeps me out'. Then it's your gut talking. Again, some unhealthy behaviors may be ok to tolerate in an acquaintance, as nobody it perfect, but the more   , the less close the r/s needs to be to keep yourself safe.

[Harri]

Thank you, Pess-Opt!  Those are wonderful questions to use as a self-check.

So now I need to get a group of crazy people and normal people, get friendly with them and then do some gut assessment and use the self-check questions!     Okay, I can do this.  I just have to come out of my cozy shell... .  and I can do that too.

Thanks again everyone!