1) Yes, the non-BPD can validate and hear and be understanding over and over again. But where does that leave the non-BPD in the bigger picture? I mentioned how incredibly exhausting the whole process can be and how its so damn hard not to get defensive over time. When is there ever a soft place for the non-BPD to fall back onto?
I don't recall ever having a soft place to fall back onto. I feel like I was always supposed to be strong for him and support him in whatever he was doing/feeling but he did not do the same for me. I am trying to remember a time when he would support me and be there for me and I honestly can't remember much outside of the times when I was pregnant.
2) How are these techniques applicable when the pwBPD has extreme behavioural episodes? My ex has fought with my family members, created dramas at special family events... .What the heck was I meant to do about this? Just validate and hear her out and everybody else must just move on?
I don't think that you are supposed to validate the invalid. If a family member is frustrating your partner, you can validate the frustration without validating the behavior. Something along the lines of "I understand that Auntie Weirdo is annoying." without saying that it is okay to pick a fight with Auntie.
3) How can one possibly deal with this when the same issues arise over and over again? It is like new information cannot be assimilated by these people. I'm a patient guy, but how patient does one have to be? It is like I could never win.
It is very, very difficult. I have been married to mine for 16.5 years. The same issues keep arising between us because he will tell me what I want to hear but not actually do anything different. And, he is really good about twisting things and making me feel like I am being impatient or demanding. I continually bring up the lack of intimacy between us because it is very difficult to have a relationship with somebody that seems to be unplugged. I could spend lots and lots of time with him and would still feel like he wasn't really there. I know I am not making that up because I have had other people tell me the same thing about him.
Just want to know what you guys think of these techniques... .if any of you have had any success using these them or experienced similar feelings as I've mentioned above.
Before I ever read the stuff on these boards, I was familiar with validation techniques from the parenting stuff that I had been reading. I didn't know there was a name for a lot of what I had been doing. The problem that I have had with the techniques is that the more I validated, the more he wanted validated. He was so hungry for praise that I could never give him enough. He wants praise for the tiniest of things. The more I gave, the more he wanted. It is infuriating and exhausting and I ran out of steam.
