How to respond? Runaway DD21

[FireWalker]

Long story short, unless you look up my previous posts;

Our DD21 was released from hospital a few weeks ago after 3rd suicide attempt in a year.  Dr. released her after day 5 of a 14 day hold (which was ordered by a judge - because she demanded a hearing after reading patients rights brochure, she's smart as a pistol & thought she could beat the system, which she basically did by that Dr. not keeping her there the full 14 days).

She was home for one day then took off/disappeared without telling us.  I found out thru a friend of hers that she went to another city an hour away and she told that friend to tell me that she was fine, I should stop looking for her, she is going it on her own.  Fast forward to last night, I get a late night text msg from her saying:  "I'm not okay.  I've lost everything. My laptop was stolen. I've been asleep for 2 days in a garage. I'm so sick. But I'm so ashamed of myself. I don't know what will happen to me."

How to respond? 

We've "rescued" her so many times in the past 2 yrs. She has never been on her own yet and has always lived at home with us.  The terms we set after this most recent hospital release were:

1) She has to focus on therapy and attend a 4 week intensive DBT therapy (which begins this next Tues)

2) No contact with ex BF (which has been the central cause of all 3 suicide attempts) (he is in city where she ran to)

3) No driving privileges (she wrecked 2 cars), but we are willing to take her places.

4) No more contact with drug taking/dealing acquaintances

Seeking advice from those of you who have been through this sort of scenario numerous times.

If she misses this DBT session, the wait is another 4 weeks until the next one & near impossible to find these programs.

Do we go get her & hope she'll go to therapy?

Do we sit back and see if she can get back on her own?  (she's very resourceful when she wants to "get away"

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Wow, FireWalker... .I feel so bad for your daughter and your family (and you!). I can't tell you what you should do--only you know yourself and your daughter well enough for that--but I can tell you what I would do (and have done in a similar situation). I would go get her, and then guide her to the rules you have set up, telling her that she will be going to the DBT session and then you guys will go from there... .

There are a few reasons that I would do--and have done--something like that. Right now it was probably devastating for her to call you and admit her failure; she is also ashamed and beaten down, and admitting that was very hard for her. She is in a terrible place, and will be very thankful to you for coming to her aid. And now that she is in this mind-set, she is more likely to take your advice to save her life. At least that is how it worked with my own BPD son, when he was in a situation like that.

There's an Article that is incredibly insightful and helpful, and will give you some very good ideas on how to approach this: Supporting a Child in Therapy, even if she is not being treated at this time. Also, here's one that will also give you insights and practical advice regarding encouraging her to go into that DBT therapy: How to get a Borderline into Therapy.

The main thing is to remember not to order her to follow your rules, or to go to Therapy. You need to work this out with her as a collaboration, where she feels she has a say in her future. Being firm in what you are expecting for her to do, but compassionate in helping her to see that this is all in her best interests.

When solving a family member’s problems:

a) involve the family member in identifying what needs to be done

b) ask whether the person can "do" what’s needed in the solution

c) ask whether they want you to help them "do" what’s needed. Problems are best tackled through open discussion in the family. Everyone needs to be part of the discussion.

People are most likely to do their part when they are asked for their participation, and their views about the solution are respected. It is important to ask each family member whether he or she feels able to do the steps called for in the planned solution. By asking, you show recognition of how difficult the task may be for the other person. This goes hand in hand with acknowledging the difficulty of changing. You may feel a powerful urge to step in and help another family member. Your help may be appreciated or may be an unwanted intrusion. By asking if your help is wanted before you step in, your assistance is much less likely to be resented.

I encourage you to read both of those Articles (the info above was taken from the first one); they are especially appropriate for you with this situation... .And if it were me, I'd be picking her up right now, and once I get her I'd hug her so hard she would know that I love her and care about her situation. I wouldn't argue, accuse, berate or humiliate her in the car... .She's feeling awful enough as it is; now is the time to be compassionate and loving and not angry and accusatory. And read the Articles before setting up the future for her; the DBT session isn't until Tuesday. You have a day or two before you have to let her know that she will be going (there shouldn't be a choice for her; you can "collaborate" about that with her after learning how).

You can do this, FireWalker... .You love your daughter and she needs your guidance right now. Her life probably depends on it 

[qcarolr]

Firewalker

My heart goes out to you and your dh and younger daughter. My prayers are there for your DD to be safe and to feel your love for her. I hope that coming here and reading our comments is helpful for your family. Take what you need and leave the rest.

Sometimes I get worn down and so discouraged that I want to give up on my DD28.  She keeps reaching out for me when things get really life threatening for her - whether perceived or real. I admit that I have done lots of things that did not help in the past. I really have to get myself into a safe, secure, stable place to be able to follow all the good advice in the articles that Rapt Reader refers to. I went back and read these again tonight and see so many places to make improvements. There are also many places that I have made progress and have felt success in my relationship with DD.

In addition to not judging my DD, I have to stop judging myself. We are both doing the best we can in the moment, even when it is not effective. I need to be a better listener with DD. She has been in jail for nine months and will be released in 2 weeks. She was sentenced to several different programs that did not 'work' for her. Her misdemeanor convictions were for 2012 DUI/pot, 2013 harassment of exbf, violation of no contact, and lots of probation violations. She ended up in the women's recovery pod for the past 2 months. Mandatory classes every day. She is starting to have panic attacks about her release and all the expectations for her to participate in recovery (meth mainly, though she has used everything available over the past 5 years of being in the homeless community - even when technically living in our home for a couple of those years); for her to participate in mental health treatment - individual and group therapy; if she wants to restore contact with her 9 year old daughter she also needs to participate in family therapy and stay clean.

This is a lot of pressure. I struggle to know what to do that is supportive to her recovery and what will enable her to be in denial and avoidance. I continue to reach out to my support network to overcome my exhaustion in advocating for her.

My love for DD will always be there no matter what. I have told her this sincerely. The ways to show her this with my attitudes and actions are sometimes a mystery. So I practice ways to stay in the moment and let go of my worries day by day. My support network helps me with this - therapist that 'gets' it, a sponsor in the recovery group I participate in for my resentments and faulty thinking, friends at my church bible study that listen and care even though some of their suggestions may not fit.

My dh has stepped up to be here for his family in more positive ways. As I have reached out for comfort from him - at the suggestion my T - our connection has become stronger, our communication more respectful and productive. We are raising our gd9 (custody since a baby) and these  connections for support are needed for me to be there for her. It is like having two daughters 19 years apart in many ways. Girls that love each other and the daughter wants no contact with the mom. Dh and I are the parents for gd with legal custody. The tension I must hold with the conflicting needs of gd and DD tears me apart. Others experience this with siblings, like your younger daughter.

The good part is DD has had some self awareness and self reflection while in jail. Her panic right now is getting in the way of this ability. How do I respond to this? Keep on expressing my love for her in non-threatening ways, continue advocating for her as she requests in her release plans, reading these two articles every week so I remember that I do know what to do if I let go of my own panic... .? It is a process.

Hang in there. We hope to hear how things have gone in the past couple of weeks.

qcr