BPD Sister stooping to new low: let's use the kids

[funfunctional]

My BPD sister whom I have been no contact with for a few months now has stooped to new low.   She has her young son send a letter to my son.   It goes thru all that he has been doing in the last few months and comments on how long it's been since they have seen each other.  Continues on to say "hope to see you soon".

There is no WAY in HELL this kid did this on his own.  SHE suggested it as a tool of manipulation.  My kids already feel bad but do not deserve this "head trip" of a letter laid on them.   I know how she works and this makes me sick.  My son will not be subjected to this.

Piece of work!  Her x husband needed to step up a long time ago and get full custody of these kids.  Yet another generation of screwed in the head people/emotionally damaged.

UGGGGGH

[pessim-optimist]

Hello funfunctional,

Does your ex brother-in-law have full custody of his kids now? How often does your sister see them?

Although it is a terrible thing to manipulate kids to send letters on her behalf, I would consider talking to the ex brother-in-law and see if he would want to get together sometime so the cousins might see each other? Keeping them in touch and out of reach of your sister might kill two birds with one stone?

I do not know your personal situation, so this may not be a good idea after all, but in general, it is traumatic for kids to lose contact with their relatives when their parent has BPD. So, if it is feasible, fostering a relationship between the cousins might be helpful to them... .

[funfunctional]

thank you pessim-optimist!

I appreciate that you took the time to respond to my dilemma.

Deal is this:   x brother in law is AFRAID of her.     He is weak and has decided to pay for her home and anything else she needs and pay for her free loading boyfriend & continue to "walk on eggshells" carefully around her which mean NOT TALKING to ME.     

I am burning the letter and as far as I am concerned it never came!    That is the end of the drama!

How is that?    She is trying to use the kids to create drama & I won't let it happen.    Poof!   Mail these days isn't always all that good.

AMEN

[funfunctional]

And as you can tell,  I sound very angry and I am.    I just want to be "left alone".   I want my BPD sister to stay away and leave us all alone.   I am sorry her two kids are STUCK in this but there is a wall she has built around her that does not allow me in.    In her true BPD fashion nothing good is said about anyone.  She can only spread lies and nasty stuff.   I don't want her drunk around my kids anymore.    Even when we had he and her kids over for sleepovers she was trashed and laying hungover the next day when we had so much stuff to do and couldn't get rid of her.    Her kids are innocents but I know her x husband and x inlaws know that if they are caught talking to me at all she will go NUTS.    Her x husband told me that he can't talk to me as she will turn on HIM.

It is a sad situation but the kids have a dad and grand parents and they will have to step up.

Say a prayer.  And I have to breathe and chill now!

[Kwamina]

Hi funfunctional

And as you can tell,  I sound very angry and I am.    I just want to be "left alone".   I want my BPD sister to stay away and leave us all alone.   I am sorry her two kids are STUCK in this but there is a wall she has built around her that does not allow me in.    In her true BPD fashion nothing good is said about anyone.  She can only spread lies and nasty stuff.   I don't want her drunk around my kids anymore.    Even when we had he and her kids over for sleepovers she was trashed and laying hungover the next day when we had so much stuff to do and couldn't get rid of her.    Her kids are innocents but I know her x husband and x inlaws know that if they are caught talking to me at all she will go NUTS.    Her x husband told me that he can't talk to me as she will turn on HIM.

It is a sad situation but the kids have a dad and grand parents and they will have to step up.

Say a prayer.  And I have to breathe and chill now!

I can understand why you're so angry. You are convinced that her son couldn't have written the letter by himself and considering this if I were you I would probably be very pissed too after getting such a letter.

You make your own family and own children your first priority and I totally agree with that. It would definitely be nice if your kids could have some contact with your sister's kids, but considering everything that's going on this may just not be possible right now. Perhaps in the future.

Protecting your own children from your sister's behavior is your primary concern here and it perhaps would be pleasant if you could also do more to help your sister's kids, but not at the cost of your own family of course. I hope this situation will change in the future and that the other adults involved will like you say 'step up' to the plate.

[funfunctional]

((Kwanmina))

Thank you for understanding.

If my son got that letter it would upset him.   That was the intent.  Her son is 8 years old and what was said in it was not from an 8 year old.  He said "oh, it's been a few months since we have seen you".         And to drag this issue into his classroom as it was an assignment from the teacher.    I am so glad i don't live in same town.    Let her do her freaky act all alone and paint herself and her son to be victims of evil me.    You can tell I hit my "had it" mark a long time ago.    This has bothered me all day today and distracted me from work and my life. and this needs to stop right now.

This woman should not have these kids.  She is NOT a good mother.    I tried for over 3 years to help... .to listen to the dramas and the ridiculousness of it all.  Just becuz someone is family does not give her the right to be abusive & mean & nasty.   Sad I know.  My kids deserve better than this.      My sister is dying to get her hands on my kids so she can manipulate them and lie and turn them against me.   That IS her intention.   This is how she operates.  SICK.

[pessim-optimist]

Thanks for explaining funfunctional,

From what you describe, I agree with Kwamina that in this situation your nephews/nieces will have to do without their cousins. Sad, but necessary.

As for you and your kids:

I understand how that's absolutely maddening, and I understand your anger and agree with your decision.

Protecting your family is essential. And if your sister isn't safe to be around, then that's what it takes.

If my son got that letter it would upset him.

So you got to intercept it before he got it? That's a success, I thought that he got it and was being manipulated and confused already... .that would be even worse.

[funfunctional]

Yes Pessi-optim:

I intercepted it!

Then I put it thru a shredder at work. 

Destroy the energy of it!

Thank you!

[HappyChappy]

Funfunctional, I’m trying to wean myself off this site, but your threat stuck a cord. My BPD did exactly the same to us, she even included a SAE for a reply. We also intercepted the letters. And yes it is a very effective way of getting us wound up, and getting the reaction they seek. But the fact it triggers you in this way (and me) may suggest you have PTSD. If you’re stressed over other issues, a BPD is more likely to have a go, and you’re more likely to get triggered. So avoid BPD when stressed. Note, Chrismass is a time of stress, so expect funny bussiness then also.

The earlier suggestion about children seeing relatives has to come second to shielding a child from dysfunctional behaviour. I realy hated spending time with my PD relatives as a kid so it also follows it can be cruel to force certain relatives onto your kids. Your statement of wanting to be left alone, sounds like a good plan for now. If a BPD gets no reaction at all, they’re more likely to move onto someone else. Another way to destroy the negative energy.    

[funfunctional]

Thank you Happy Chappy for coming back to leave me a note.     

I think you are right.  I think I do have some post traumatic stress going on here.  The knot in stomach and my anxiety reaction & anger but also feeling "threatened" or "fearful".    Like "please leave me alone... .don't bother me cause you are too painful to deal with".    The post traumatic stuff isn't just in regards to my BPD sister... .it's my upbringing too.   As far as stress I am juggling a full time job,  two kids that I single parent and their sports and college apps and all sorts of stuff.    I agree that BPD love to jump in on that and she won't be allowed to.  I am NC with her and want to keep it that way.   I don't talk about her to my dad at all anymore.   Refuse to.   

I am calming down.   Re-establishing some inner peace Happy Chappy.  I have some down time this weekend to re-collect, exercise & have some FUN!

Thanks again Happy Chappy for your observation about the PSTS.