So afraid to start the process

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I am going to use bullets points to keep this short

6 years married to my dBPDw

4-5 years suspected illness

3 heard about BPD

1.5 years diagnosed

2 years of weekly C for her

2.5 years of 1 a month or so C for me

1.5 years MC ending about 4 months ago

first mentioned a divorce, last summer/fall

I said wanted a divorce, last December

I did not file, but provided a letter from my lawyer this past May

I am stalled at moving forward with my divorce?  I am tired of not having marriage.   I love and care for her, but not as my wife. 

I am tired of the apologizes, and promises. 

She is in denial, and refuses to accept.  I keep having pity\guilt and  become frozen.  I am afraid of what she might do to herself.

I have talked to the MC and more that one counselor about this.  I know her actions are hers, but I am still scared.  I do what to do if she makes a serious threat, but the "I will do this if you leave me" is different than  "I am going to hurt myself"

Side note, so damn annoyed that her family has almost abandoned her.  When one of her number core traits is "fear of abandonment", and she ask for just a phone call from her dad her dad does not even call back.  Yes, they are confused also, but her parents she asked you to call her. 

She has a meeting with her C tonight, I just pray that my wife is honest truthful with her C.   

Its hard enough to care for myself, and then her. When I have become so detached.

[Mike76]

I am going to use bullets points to keep this short

6 years married to my dBPDw

4-5 years suspected illness

3 heard about BPD

1.5 years diagnosed

2 years of weekly C for her

2.5 years of 1 a month or so C for me

1.5 years MC ending about 4 months ago

first mentioned a divorce, last summer/fall

I said wanted a divorce, last December

I did not file, but provided a letter from my lawyer this past May

I am stalled at moving forward with my divorce?  I am tired of not having marriage.   I love and care for her, but not as my wife. 

I am tired of the apologizes, and promises. 

She is in denial, and refuses to accept.  I keep having pity\guilt and  become frozen.  I am afraid of what she might do to herself.

I have talked to the MC and more that one counselor about this.  I know her actions are hers, but I am still scared.  I do what to do if she makes a serious threat, but the "I will do this if you leave me" is different than  "I am going to hurt myself"

Side note, so damn annoyed that her family has almost abandoned her.  When one of her number core traits is "fear of abandonment", and she ask for just a phone call from her dad her dad does not even call back.  Yes, they are confused also, but her parents she asked you to call her. 

She has a meeting with her C tonight, I just pray that my wife is honest truthful with her C.   

Its hard enough to care for myself, and then her. When I have become so detached.

[livednlearned]

Hi Mike76,

You feel pity and guilt, and that is paralyzing you. It's understandable, I think a lot of people here can relate. You are worried she will harm herself. Has she done this in the past? If so, what happened? Does she call someone to tell them that she is harming herself? Has she been hospitalized before?

I wonder if this article about "emotional blackmail" would help you. Maybe this can help you see the patterns clearly so you can do what you want to do in the safest way possible. For you and for her.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

You're not alone. This is hard work. I'm glad you have a counselor involved.



LnL

[chefbruce]

Oh Mike,

It sounds like your stbex might be low functioning.  Mine was uber high functioning.  I never really got the threats to hurt herself.  Only once.  My ex's trick was the divorce card.  It was the trump card for every divorce.  She threatened to hurt herself if I didn't let her free.  She would never go ahead do it.

I need to caution you to protect yourself.  You need to be prepared.  If you're going to leave her, you're about to enter hell on earth.  More so if you have children.  If you don't, please consider it a blessing they're spared.

1.  Is she working.  She will need to be, or you're paying alimony like hell.

2.  Do you have a support network.  You will need it.

3.  Be prepared for false allegations, charges, craziness.  If you have the same friends, be prepared that they will hear horrific stories of your abuse, infidelities, addiction.  Anything she can say about you. She will.

4.  Be prepared that she will wipe out your bank accounts.  Have your own set up in a different institution.  If you have a lot of money saved, quite simply at least half of it with you, but leave enough for her to support herself.  Be fair.  You need to be fair.

5.  Get a lawyer.  Make sure they're clean.  (I don't have a lot of money, got a higher priced lawyer because I needed one, and he dragged things out unneccessarily over seven weeks without actually lifting a finger so I just got charged fees as the emails came in.)  You set the pace for how the lawyer works.  If not fast enough, warn, then fire.  End of story, do not put up with tactics that cost you a fortune.

6.  When you go, you go clean.  No contact.  None. 

7.  Be the first to file a restraining order if you need to.  Do not have one filed against you, or she can still taunt you.  And she probably will.

You need to know that you have every reason to be afraid.  Read 'Spitting'.  It will help you prepare.  If she's at all narcissistic, it will get very, very ugly.

Hang in there friend.  Be smart.  Be cautious. 

Document everything.  Keep all communications.

[Mike76]

Thanks for the post... .

Although she as always work, she does have some low-functioning characteristics.   The mood instability and intense anger aspect very much low functioning.

I have had more the one T share with me,  that they have never worked with someone that carried out some of the borderline manic type traits for the number of months\years that she did. It is a new record for me.  They say to me, how did you do it?

[scraps66]

Think of that... .how did you do it?  If the process is not started, it will be more of the same, and then some.  My situation was a little "easier" to make a decision with... .entrapment and pregnancy after three months, ex's family turned out to be crazy just like her, etc, etc.  But, when it came time to start the process, that was the next step, there was no going back, no entertaining charms (there were none... .guess I was already too black).  It's a marathon.

[whirlpoollife]

Your first post was a week ago, did you tell her straight out yet?

don't let six years turn into 27 like I did. Then divorce with children.

I planned , stalled , wished it all done, planned again , stalled again then went full speed ahead to divorce.

Knowing ahead of time the backlash I was going to receive helped some, but it still was the hardest thing to do.

I'm still in the process as my h is stalling to have control but I am so glad I went though it. I don't regret it.

[ugghh]

Actually it looks like Mike has been around here for about 3 years or so, right about when he heard about BPD from his timeline above.

I only point it out because that is probably pretty typical of many of us here.  The decision to stay or go is incredibly difficult for many of us, based on family history, religion, personal convictions, etc.  Most of us have been there.  I will relate a bit of my story  - married 26 years, 3 kids late teens, badly stuck.   Even with 2 sisters already divorced, I was going to be the one that had the marriage like my parents - 54 years and they truly were best friends.  Gave up being her best friend years ago.  Gave up every hobby I liked.  Gave up time with my family.  Gave up on my own morals and took her back after an affair (which of course was my fault). Gave up tens of thousands of dollars to her overspending.  Family stuck by me, taking my exasperated phone calls and supporting as best they could from afar.

What got me unstuck?  In spring, 2012 I got an email from a friend of 40 years who was announcing the conclusion of his divorce proceedings from his wife of 22 years, also with 3 kids just a few years younger than ours.  I told wife I was going to go out with him, on pretext of providing some comfort to him.  The reality is I needed a heart to heart about what led to his decision and the process he went through.  Suffice to say, his ex was not BPD, but just knowing what the process was and what to expect opened up the door for me.  The next thing that got me unstuck was my D19, who had been off to college for a couple years, and returned to realize just how crazy the house was and just how much not only my mental but physical health was deteriorating. Early summer, 2012,  D19 called me every day at work for weeks to exhort me to get a counselor for myself which I had promised for years.  She finally got through to me and I found a great therapist who helped me find myself again.

I moved out of the house in December, 2013 and never returned.  The divorce was finalized summer, 2014 which pretty much a record for a pwBPD.  However I will caution you not to expect that. 

I will relate one final incident that happened just a few weeks before I moved out.  I came home from work one evening to find the first floor empty, S18 in the basement playing video games, S16 was in his room on computer with headphones.  Hmm, where is stbx wife I thought?  Car is in driveway, dog is in house, I look outside to see if she is at neighbors.  Finally after about 5 minutes I hear my name being called very faintly from a distance.  I stop and listen and I hear it again.  Almost a whisper. Finally I trace it to master bathroom on second floor to find stbx laying on the floor with a bottle of pills in her hand.  Of course I fall right into her trap and start asking her what she has done and bargaining for the pill bottle.  She plays it to the hilt, squeezing the bottle even tighter and refusing to tell me what she had taken or not taken.  Now I am mad, because I know she is manipulating.  I try reverse logic telling her no matter what I am divorcing, so take the pills or not I don't care.  No dice. 

Finally I call my sons to try and help me get the bottle from her. Still I had enough wits about me to not try it without someone else in the room, so as to avoid the spousal abuse charge.  God bless the older son, he plays along for about 1 minute and says ":)ad, we need help I am calling 911"  which is precisely what he did.  Uh oh, you could see brief moment of reality glimmer across stbx who was still lying on floor acting for all she was worth.  Long story short, cops and ambulance show up and she is taken for an overnight psych eval.  Around 6 am the next day, after either pumping her stomach or threatening to do so they deduce that she has fabricated the whole story about taking the pills.  Ironically she does not want anyone to know that she was hauled off for an eval, so she calls me to come pick her up and then proceeds to berate me about how degrading the process was and it was all my fault.  After I dropped her at home and went on to work, I pretty much laughed the whole way in at the absolute ludicrous situation and knowing that divorce was the only way out.

Mike for your benefit I suggest you read the following

Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality#8  - pay attention to number 9.

and this thread from a few years back

Reality Check for those who are stuck

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=191573.0 - hint, time to your oxygen mask on first.

[livednlearned]

It took me 4 years to realize it was time to leave. 3 years were mostly working through emotional and psychological issues, with some light logistical planning, and a whole lot of Google searches trying to make sense of the senseless.

Then, 1 year of serious planning. Talking to lawyers, finding an action-oriented straight-shooting therapist, separate bank account, increased hours at work + health care, researching places to live, talking to therapeutic support staff at S13's school, confiding to one friend, plus my boss, renting a storage locker, photocopying documents, having a separate set of everything stashed outside, a prepaid phone, a post office box, and sold my old jalopy and got a new one, renewed S13's passport. The only thing missing was you guys. I didn't find bpdfamily until I googled "high conflict divorce" after hearing my L say it a bunch of times. That led to "Splitting" by Bill Eddy and then here.

These are not normal divorces. You need a plan. Otherwise you're just reacting, and that doesn't work so well.