Reality check for those of us that are "stuck".

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been on this board for a little while before I got the courage to post.  I have been reading about a lot of you and see a lot of the same patterns that I have in my own situation.  I am working with a T and reading and reflecting and trying to work on ME to get past the hell of my uBPDexgf.  I have not been out that long, just short of 3 months.  I still think about her all the time, have dreams about her, sleepless nights, regret, ruminations, the whole deal that all of you have been dealing with.  I came to a realization though and wanted to share.  There are many of us that talk about how the sex was so great, the idealization was so wonderful, the "connection" was like nothing we had ever shared with anyone else.  All that taken in consideration, I have to ask myself the following:

1. Would I rather have physically amazing sex, with little to no real emotional connection, or a true emotional "all-inclusive" sexual experience?

2. Would I rather have someone that "mirrors" and idealizes me as a form of keeping me "hooked" or would I rather have someone that truly trusts, supports and respects me?

3.  Would I rather have an emotional rollercoaster of extreme highs and sometimes more extreme lows, or a level, less drama filled "comfortable" interaction with someone, even if it seems boring in comparison sometimes?

4.  Would I rather have to rely on outside forces to "make me feel good about myself", or take the time, do the work and learn to make myself feel good about me?

5.  Do I want to put the fate of the rest of my life in someone elses hands?

When I contemplate these questions, it helps me to realize the reality of our situation.  Seduction and physical attraction are short lived.  Feeling self-love and good in our own skin may be hard work, but will work better for all of us in the long run.  I ask all of you that are feeling stuck right now to take some time and answer these questions for yourself.  Maybe it can help, even just a little.

Much love and support to all of you in this new year!

GH

[GettinHealthy]

I have been on this board for a little while before I got the courage to post.  I have been reading about a lot of you and see a lot of the same patterns that I have in my own situation.  I am working with a T and reading and reflecting and trying to work on ME to get past the hell of my uBPDexgf.  I have not been out that long, just short of 3 months.  I still think about her all the time, have dreams about her, sleepless nights, regret, ruminations, the whole deal that all of you have been dealing with.  I came to a realization though and wanted to share.  There are many of us that talk about how the sex was so great, the idealization was so wonderful, the "connection" was like nothing we had ever shared with anyone else.  All that taken in consideration, I have to ask myself the following:

1. Would I rather have physically amazing sex, with little to no real emotional connection, or a true emotional "all-inclusive" sexual experience?

2. Would I rather have someone that "mirrors" and idealizes me as a form of keeping me "hooked" or would I rather have someone that truly trusts, supports and respects me?

3.  Would I rather have an emotional rollercoaster of extreme highs and sometimes more extreme lows, or a level, less drama filled "comfortable" interaction with someone, even if it seems boring in comparison sometimes?

4.  Would I rather have to rely on outside forces to "make me feel good about myself", or take the time, do the work and learn to make myself feel good about me?

5.  Do I want to put the fate of the rest of my life in someone elses hands?

When I contemplate these questions, it helps me to realize the reality of our situation.  Seduction and physical attraction are short lived.  Feeling self-love and good in our own skin may be hard work, but will work better for all of us in the long run.  I ask all of you that are feeling stuck right now to take some time and answer these questions for yourself.  Maybe it can help, even just a little.

Much love and support to all of you in this new year!

GH

[ExTreme]

Thanks for these thoughtful, realistic questions. Pondering these points is something I hadn't consciously done before- now THAT's crazy... .  In doing so I have just found my truth! My vision of a bright future has unfolded before me! I am unstuck!

Ironically, pwBPD and their nonBPD could discuss these specific items together, out loud to each other, to gain clarity on the r/s. But, as often is the case that leads to the final breakdown, BPD and CoDep are afraid to reveal their true hearts to each other. What a shameful waste.      :'( 

[ricky rick]

GettinHealthy,

Bravo on the post you just wrote. Absolutly awesome. I will copy and paste this and read it evey day. Its so true. I am also 3 months out. I can relate to exactly what your going through. Its very hard. I hope it gets easier soon. Its been a long road... .  

Rick

[johnnyonthespot]

So true... .  Thank you for your thoughts. Personally, I hope you write more.

[Cimbaruns]

Great post !

I will surely read it each and every day!

Keep posting and much strength to you as you move forward.

This has given me some much needed insight!

Thank you GettinHealthy

[Seb]

GettinHealthy,

Bravo on the post you just wrote. Absolutly awesome. I will copy and paste this and read it evey day. Its so true. I am also 3 months out. I can relate to exactly what your going through. Its very hard. I hope it gets easier soon. Its been a long road... .  

Rick

It is a long road Rick, but it does get easier, especially if you're prepared to do the necessary introspection.  The only way to ever get over this hell is to do the work on ourselves, and ask the hard questions - Why was I prepared to settle for that type of relationship? Why didn't I think more of myself to get out when I noticed the red flags? Why didn't I enforce appropriate boundaries? Why did I let someone so destructive in to my life? In my case, why, after all that, did I wait to be dumped?

Time is a healer, as cheesy at that sounds.  In time we miss them less, and with the right self-love, we can actually look for healthy people to share a life with. As GettinHealthy said, someone who can actually return our love and respects us... .  wouldn't that be nice? We are worth that, it's just a case of truly believing it.

Time and self-help, it's what it takes, but it does get better. Hang in there!  

[ricky rick]

seb, It does get easier. I agree. We really have no choice in the matter. We greive and we move on learning from what has happened. On a good note, at least we know what to look for now so that we dont get hurt again.

[OutsidetheHermitWalls]

GettinHealthy,

You nailed it.  The most difficult part I think for most of us it move the focus off then and on to us.  Why?  The reasons are different but I ultimately think it boils down to not wanting to deal with issues in our lives that are not easily resolveable.

Who am I if I am not rescuing somebody?

What do I actually like to do?

Who am I if I am no longer identifying with my wounds?

What will I do with all this free time that comes about by not having to be in a BPD relationship?

If I love the person who I am when I am with them, why do I not love the person I am when I am only with me?

or the more basic,

I currently don't paticulary like my job, i make good money but I am not fulfilled and I am in an industry that is going through tremendous changes

I have always wanted to go to graduate school but am scared to do so

I don't like being 44 and having to start over

I did not think life would look this way at 44

I have alot of regret about choices i made when I was younger.


So if given the choice as painful as the BPD relationship is on some level my mind would rather analyze, understand and dissect her; at least that pain and fear is familiar;  my life a little more uncertain, it makes me a little more anxious.  I am being a little facetious here as I am starting to face all of these fears and my BPD relationship is becoming a little more foggy everyday.  But asking the right questions is where I think we need to start for those of us who want to heal.  Good Work

[trouble11]

I don't know if this is the right thread to post to ... .  but I am soo STUCK

Five years ago I had a very successful retail store in AZ, lots of friends, a great house, many toys, and my sanity.  Today I’m unemployed, about to, get evicted from a rental in WA, leave most of my belongings, move back to AZ, and live in a camper.   I feel like I’ve aged 10 years in the last 3 and that my IQ has dropped about 50 pts.

I guess I should introduce myself ……... I’ll try to be brief, but that’s borderline impossible …… no pun intended.

I had joined the Reunion site and there he was. I had dated him briefly in high school and had thought about him often.  He was actually engaged when we dated, but when a seventeen year old guy tells you he’s engaged it’s hard to take it too seriously.  When we reconnected  I was living and Phoenix, running my store, and raising German Shepherds.   He was a K9 handler for the county I currently live in.  I emailed him in order to network and to have a possible outlet for the dogs I was raising.  It wasn’t long until we were talking on the phone and the mirroring started.  At that time he was working 4 tens at night and it wasn’t unusual for us to talk through his whole shift.  He convinced me to come to WA and visit him.  I had grown up in WA and it was nice to come here to see him.  I don’t have to explain here about the connection, intensity, great sex, or the way he made me feel wanted.  It was the same as all have described.  It did start as an affair, when I broke it off he simply started lying about being separated.  After a year and a half and five visits to see him I decided to move to WA.  My store had taken a pretty hard hit by the economy and it wasn’t looking good, so I closed it and left.  uxBPDbf had told me hundreds of times by then he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me ……… I was his soulmate ……... I was the love of his life…….he would never let me go again ……. Blah blah blah.   I bought it all. I recently learned about there words being dreams as opposed to the truth.  I’ll add the details of his lying, cheating, recycling his ex wife and another girlfriend for later.  Right now I’m scared to death ……... not of him, as he is a male waif, but that I won’t recover.  I know my heart and soul will heal, but I don’t know about my mind.  The anxiety is crushing me.   Five and half years ago I was getting my private pilot cert. this week I drove to the grocery store twice only to turn around because I couldn’t figure out what I wanted.  I’ve spent the better part of the last several months playing solitaire on my phone.  He convinced me to let my health insurance go as he was going to put me on his …… which of course he did not ……... so I can’t even get help.  Reading your messages and typing this seems to be somewhat of a temporary fix.   It’s been a little over two months since I’ve seen him.  He had lived here most of the summer, but left in October to recycle an ex girlfriend.  She caught him lying dumped him and two days later he had a new girlfriend.  He’ll never get help because as a cop there is an endless supply of women for him to move in with.  He texted me a few nights ago telling me he will always love me and he is sorry that he ruined everything by handling things so badly. 

AUGH ………. I’m so STUCK.

My question is ……… does your mind ever recover?   

Sheri

[ricky rick]

Sheri, thats a great question. Do our minds ever recover? Im sure they do in time but ill tell you this much, Ill never forget what my BPD ex put me through... .  EVER! In some respects, I think we will all be damaged to a point for life because of the abuse. But also smarter!