Taking stock 12 months on from diagnosis

[bpbreakout]

BPDw was diagnosed a year ago making sense of a whole lot of things that had gone wrong in our marriage over the years. She has been seeing a psychiatrist on a regular basis and having therapy on and off.

We have d15 and S13 in high school. Both doing well outwardly but both can see BPDw has major issues.

Early this year the intimacy “drawbridge” went up so to speak on the basis that I wasn’t romantic enough. This was a round the same time as I started on this website and to be honest I was happy enough as I was looking for ways to detach and stop the continual arguing. I also started to do a few more things for myself mainly sports to get out of the house and meet people.

Around the same time as this was happening there were major issues with d15 culminating in 2 physical fights between her and BPDw (I wasn’t present at the time). I put d15 in regularly therapy though my take on it is that BPDw was being extremely antagonistic & provocative & whilst d15 may have lashed out it wasn’t an excuse for BPDw’s subsequent behaviour which was over the top. BPDw is very angry with me that I have not taken her side against d15.

After a while BPDw started accusing me of being cold and unloving especially in the bedroom and then useless and impotent.

BPDw then initiated marriage counselling & this seemed to go well for a well though at same time I had to have an operation and had to curtail a lot of sporting activities.

Things have got better & there are some good times but there are still major tantrums every few weeks (broken doors, walking out of restaurants, smashing things, verbal abuse) and I can’t do anything right round the house. I’m not sure BPDw has made any real progress or gained any insight despite the therapy.

The last incident was when BPDw threatened to get a male prostitute to get some decent sex just as I thought we were making progress. This was in the middle of a trivial argument over who was going to take one of the kids to a party but it totally blindsided me and really cut me to the core and I was sobbing and banging my head on the floor for about 30 mins telling her how useless I felt and it took me a day to get over it (BPDw sort of apologised and was nice for a day but then started on about how much my behaviour had affected her). I feel as if I’ve shown a really vulnerable side with this issue & not sure where it will lead.

I’m ok now but really wondering whether it’s worth carrying on with this relationship. Lot’s of really good things in our life on many levels other than all this crap going on behind closed doors. I really want to be myself without being attacked and criticised.

Any thoughts would be welcome

[Mutt]

Hi bpbreakout,

My heart goes out to you and your family. I'm sorry to hear about D15. That must of been scary for her with mom. Your BPDw wanted you to side with her because your D was split black.

You feel frustrated and depressed when she's engulfed and projecting her detachment when she says you're impotent. Who is cold and unloving? Intimacy is a trigger for her.  Her abandonment insecurities are triggered when she's threatening prostitutes. You feel like your walking on eggshells. I'm sorry.

You have a lit going on. You say she's in T on and off. Is she going to T at the present moment?

[bpbreakout]

Thanks for you understanding Mutt

Just to breifly respond, she has started seeing a therapist which is a step forward though she doesn't really share anything about it (which of course is totally within her rights). I think a lot of stuff she covers is about FOO though more how to deal with current issues rather than how FOO may have affected her approach to relationships.

I agree there is a lot of projection going on as she has basically shut up shop but at the same time tried to make me responsible for it and I guess you are right about intimacy being a trigger given the timing of the last outburst which was exactly 24 hrs after I thought we had made some real progress.

[Mutt]

You're welcome. Any progress is good progress right? Many non-disordered people struggle to get into therapy. I'm happy to hear she's trying.