How do you not take rejection personally?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been pondering this question in light of a couple of threads.

On one hand, I know that my husband's rejection of me is not personal. However, it feels very, very personal. Last night, he went so far as to say things like:

"I don't know why but I don't have any sex drive with you. I don't have that problem with other women."

"After we got married, sex with you started feeling shameful."

"If we are going to stay together until financially stable, we are both going to have to go elsewhere to get our needs met."

"I don't know why I lost interest in you after we got married."

Why the hell would a person stay in a marriage if they felt this way from the beginning? I knew something wasn't quite right be he always told me that I was wrong and that I was imagining things.

Part of me wants to take things personally and feel like it was about me. At least that would mean that he thought about me. I want something to be about me. I am so tired of dealing with these feelings of rejection. I know this is a futile question to ask or even think about but WHY in the world would somebody treat another human being this way? WHY would somebody string another human being along like this?

After hearing him say those things to me, I feel so unbelievably horrible. I just feel so friggin' worthless like who in this world would want me if my own damned husband doesn't even want me or find me attractive. And he keeps trying to say that there is hope. He keeps trying to talk me out of holding on to the idea of leaving.

[vortex of confusion]

I have been pondering this question in light of a couple of threads.

On one hand, I know that my husband's rejection of me is not personal. However, it feels very, very personal. Last night, he went so far as to say things like:

"I don't know why but I don't have any sex drive with you. I don't have that problem with other women."

"After we got married, sex with you started feeling shameful."

"If we are going to stay together until financially stable, we are both going to have to go elsewhere to get our needs met."

"I don't know why I lost interest in you after we got married."

Why the hell would a person stay in a marriage if they felt this way from the beginning? I knew something wasn't quite right be he always told me that I was wrong and that I was imagining things.

Part of me wants to take things personally and feel like it was about me. At least that would mean that he thought about me. I want something to be about me. I am so tired of dealing with these feelings of rejection. I know this is a futile question to ask or even think about but WHY in the world would somebody treat another human being this way? WHY would somebody string another human being along like this?

After hearing him say those things to me, I feel so unbelievably horrible. I just feel so friggin' worthless like who in this world would want me if my own damned husband doesn't even want me or find me attractive. And he keeps trying to say that there is hope. He keeps trying to talk me out of holding on to the idea of leaving.

[antelope]

"I don't know why but I don't have any sex drive with you. I don't have that problem with other women."

I wish I didn't feel so shameful about cheating on you, b/c it has destroyed our sex life

"After we got married, sex with you started feeling shameful."

after I started to cheat on you I felt too ashamed to be intimate with you

"If we are going to stay together until financially stable, we are both going to have to go elsewhere to get our needs met."

if you cannot help pay my way, or most of it, I'll find someone who will

"I don't know why I lost interest in you after we got married."

I hate the fact that I always find myself in this situation in all of my relationships.  It shames me

tell me if the bold above ^^ makes more sense as to what he's trying to say

[antelope]

... .and to answer your question: How do you not take rejection personally?

b/c there was NOTHING personal about it... .we are placeholders in their lives, expendable, replaceable, and transient

[vortex of confusion]

"I don't know why but I don't have any sex drive with you. I don't have that problem with other women."

I wish I didn't feel so shameful about cheating on you, b/c it has destroyed our sex life

No, this is not about cheating. This goes back to when we first got married. The first week we were married, I woke up to him looking at porn. There was not cheating. What destroyed our sex life was saying "I do."


"After we got married, sex with you started feeling shameful."

after I started to cheat on you I felt too ashamed to be intimate with you

Nope, there was no cheating, only porn and objectification. The cheating didn't happen until we gave each other permission to see other people so it technically wasn't cheating. Before we were married, we weren't supposed to be having sex and nobody knew that we were. After marriage, people knew that we were having sex because that is what married people do. It no longer excited him because it was no longer taboo or off limits.

"If we are going to stay together until financially stable, we are both going to have to go elsewhere to get our needs met."

if you cannot help pay my way, or most of it, I'll find someone who will

He is the primary bread winner. He is not talking about money. He is talking about sexual needs. He cannot live with the idea of going without sex. I would rather go without than have casual or meaningless sex. Yes, I have a high desire in the context of a serious relationship. Outside of that context, I can take it or leave it. Sex is not something that I have to have so it frustrates me when he makes everything about that. I know part of that is his sex addiction talking.

"I don't know why I lost interest in you after we got married."

I hate the fact that I always find myself in this situation in all of my relationships.  It shames me

No, he doesn't find himself in that situation in all relationships. He hasn't had a lot of relationships. In his first serious relationship, they didn't do stuff often enough for him to lose interest. He and I have been together for almost 18 years and he has that chick as a FB friend. Once or twice we have run into her and it seems obvious to me that there is still something there even though he denies it. One time when we rand into her, the two of them got into a conversation and he started agree with her and talking down to me.

I know it isn't about me on an intellectual level. It is that raw, visceral, gut level where I feel so unbelievably worthless.

[vortex of confusion]

... .and to answer your question: How do you not take rejection personally?

b/c there was NOTHING personal about it... .we are placeholders in their lives, expendable, replaceable, and transient

In some ways, knowing that makes it worse for me. I spent 18 years of my life giving myself to somebody that didn't friggin' care about me as an individual person. I spent 18 years of my life with somebody that has little or no regard for me. How could I have been so unbelievably stupid? How can I NOT feel rejected? Yeah, I can be kind of cold at times but I do have feelings. I do care. I am NOT a friggin' robot. I am tired of feeling like a robot.

[GoodThingsToCome]

Hey Vortex,

I hear your pain given the situation. Whilst my relationship was only 2 years, she came out and said all kinds of things shortly after we broke-up. Things such as:

"She doesn't miss a single thing about the relationship"

"She feels so free"

"She can look at pictures of me or think of sex with me and feel nothing" (we had really great sex together btw).

"How the relationship was so emotionally abusive for her"

bla bla bla... .

When this happened, it hurt like f**k... .it was hard to not take it personally. However, my stance on it is that they actually DO feel something and that deep down they are hurting quite badly; I firmly believe my ex was hurting and she acted out in this way because it was too hard for her to handle the rejection or to just be honest with herself for once and admit her true feelings. My viewpoint is that people who aren't hurting, don't need to hurt others... .so her actions actually became quite transparent.

I know my situation is different to yours... .so I can't compare apples with apples, but what I always say is don't ever make assumptions about what others are feeling... .these people live a world of hurt and they will do whatever they can to cover it up. You both were together for 18 years, I'd wager that it meant something to him as well. I do believe these people care to some extent, it is just that they cannot love unconditionally. In their minds they are loving as best they can, and we just need to accept that that is who they are, as much as it is a hard pill to swallow.

[vortex of confusion]

so I can't compare apples with apples, but what I always say is don't ever make assumptions about what others are feeling... .these people live a world of hurt and they will do whatever they can to cover it up. You both were together for 18 years, I'd wager that it meant something to him as well. I do believe these people care to some extent, it is just that they cannot love unconditionally. In their minds they are loving as best they can, and we just need to accept that that is who they are, as much as it is a hard pill to swallow.

I am not making any assumptions about his feelings. I don't really care what his feelings are or were. I am focusing on how his actions and his words made ME feel.

His actions: Looking at porn instead of being with me.

How I felt: Rejected, ugly, unattractive

His actions: Getting excited about going on a date with another woman a couple days after our anniversary. He couldn't plan a date with me but he could with somebody else.

How I felt: Rejected, unworthy, like I didn't matter

His actions: spending most of his spare time playing computer games instead of hanging out with me or the kids

How I felt: Rejected, like computer games are more interesting, fun, important than me or the kids

What he said: "You just don't trip my trigger like other women do." "I don't have as high a drive with you as with others."

How I felt: Rejected, fat, ugly, worthless

What he said after he found out the hours for my new job: "What about my Tuesday night meetings?"

What I felt/heard: I am more important that you.

His actions: Ignored my pleas for help with regards to a whole host of things.

How I felt: Rejected and unimportant. I felt like I was not worth his time or energy.

His words: "After we got married, sex with you started to feel shameful."

How I felt: Rejected, worthless, like he was ashamed to have me as a wife

His words: "If we are going to wait until we are financially stable, then we are both going to need to go elsewhere to have our sexual needs met."

How I felt: Rejected, like he could replace me with no problems, completely replaceable

His words: "I am not going to ask you to stay. I have hurt you too much and don't think I could ever repair the damage."

How I felt/what I heard: I felt like I am not worth his time or effort.

I am sick and tired of trying to understand him and his point of view. I am sick and tired of all of the emphasis on him and whatever it is he has and how he is or isn't feeling. Why can't I say "I felt rejected because of how he treated me?" without having other people try to justify his actions. Why can't I say, "I find his actions deplorable, insensitive, rude, and just plain thoughtless" without somebody pointing out that he has a mental problem and that is the nature of his condition. I don't give a rat's a$$ what he was truly thinking or feeling. I don't give a rat's a$$ that he is wounded and hurt and blah, blah, blah. I am hurt and I am wounded. I am trying to have a relationship with myself, not him.

I want to be able to say, "I feel rejected" and simply accept it without the need for psychoanalysis, etc. Can anybody tell me that I should't feel rejected? Would any normal person feel rejected if facing the things that I have faced? Am I crazy for feeling rejected and cast aside?

[GoodThingsToCome]

I understand. My intention wasn't to justify any of his actions or put the focus on him... .I completely understand how you feel rejected and I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that. I only hoped to make you feel better in the sense that deep down I do think they cared about us... .it was just that their way of caring was so warped and unhealthy.

I agree with you 100% in that actions speak louder than words and it seems like his actions were clearly disrespectful and hurtful towards you. As a result, you have every right to feel angry and rejected considering what you put into the relationship. You also have every right to (and you should) not give a s**t about him or his feelings anymore. Time to focus on you and move forward.

I think most of us on here felt rejected at some point... .and still do on certain days and its a process we all work through.

I'm really sorry you are feeling this and I know the pain and rejection must be immense. I wish you all the best in your recovery and getting your life back on track.

[vortex of confusion]

I understand. My intention wasn't to justify any of his actions or put the focus on him... .I completely understand how you feel rejected and I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that. I only hoped to make you feel better in the sense that deep down I do think they cared about us... .it was just that their way of caring was so warped and unhealthy.

I think I have become immune to a lot of the talk about how, deep down, they do care. I am immune to all of the times I have heard, "But I didn't mean to hurt you." Well, guess what, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I like to use the analogy of stubbing your toe. Nobody ever means to stub their toe. Does that mean that it doesn't hurt? Hell no, whether or not something was intentional is irrelevant to the amount of pain it caused. When I stub my toe, it hurts like hell. Period. And, if I stub my toe again before the sore toe has fully healed, that is going to make the pain twice as bad.

[Artisan]

We can't but help take it personally. There really isn't a way to not take it personally, even understanding that its their disconnect. At the feeling level, that reason doesn't make a difference. At the feeling level, it is personal, its non-thinking and non-rational ... .

[Skip]

How do you not take rejection personally?

Sometimes we get a little confused on this.

There are many in the moment responses which are really in the moment.  It is a mistake to hold onto these.  They come in positive and negative versions.

What he said: "You just don't trip my trigger like other women do." "I don't have as high a drive with you as with others."

There are many things where the cause and effect are not connected. The bottle or a orn site or gambling is internal to him - not related to you.

His actions: Looking at porn instead of being with me.

But some things are deeply personal.

His words: "I am not going to ask you to stay.

It's hard to separate them out and it really helps to do it. We take way to many things personally.

But some are.

[vortex of confusion]

It's hard to separate them out and it really helps to do it. We take way to many things personally.

Thank you for that distinction! I think it will help if I can figure out how to differentiate what is truly personal and what isn't.

A lot of the things that deal with physical and emotional intimacy are deeply personal for me.

[Skip]

A lot of the things that deal with physical and emotional intimacy are deeply personal for me.

The question is, what actions on his part are personal to him.

For example, if he says he doesn't love you anymore - and it wasn't impulsive - then it is very personal.  However, if he forgets to bring you flowers on your birthday, which might be really imortant to you, it might not be personal.

[vortex of confusion]

A lot of the things that deal with physical and emotional intimacy are deeply personal for me.

The qestion is, what actions on his part are personal to him.

For example, if he says he doesn't love you anymore - and it wasn't impulsive - then it is very personal.  However, if he forgets to bring you flowers on your birthday, which might be really imortant to you, it might not be personal.

Hmmm. . .I am going to have to think about this.

Could you expand on this a bit?

I am trying to figure out what actions on his part are personal but I am wondering about what is personal to him versus what is personal to me. To me, when he continually does something that hurts me even though I have told him that it hurts me, I have a difficult time not taking it personally. I am not talking about flowers either. In our 18 years together he has only bought me flowers once or twice. I rarely, if ever, get any kind of gifts or even thoughtful gestures.

I am trying to sort this out. I don't feel like I take anything personal that is an isolated incident. I don't feel like I take anything that is said in the heat of the moment too personally either. Maybe I am kidding myself though. It is about the larger context and how he has repeatedly chosen other people and other things over me.

For me, it is about a pervasive pattern of him not thinking about me or having any kind of regard for me. Him having ED because he doesn't find me attractive is not something that either of us can control. It hurts but I try not to take it personally. What makes it difficult for me to not take personally is the fact that his actions and his words have not aligned. He has tried to convince me that my perceptions were wrong. I could see things for myself yet he tried to convince that I was perceiving things incorrectly. There is no good way to deal with the fact that my husband is not attracted to me like a husband should be. I want to be with somebody that wants me and finds me attractive. That is about me, not him.

[antelope]

I like to use the analogy of stubbing your toe. Nobody ever means to stub their toe. Does that mean that it doesn't hurt? Hell no, whether or not something was intentional is irrelevant to the amount of pain it caused. When I stub my toe, it hurts like hell. Period. And, if I stub my toe again before the sore toe has fully healed, that is going to make the pain twice as bad.

^^you stubbed your toe for 18 years. 

The question at the end of all of these relationships that is crux to unraveling all this confusion, anger, loneliness, fear, etc is: Why did I stay?

[antelope]

I am trying to figure out what actions on his part are personal but I am wondering about what is personal to him versus what is personal to me. To me, when he continually does something that hurts me even though I have told him that it hurts me, I have a difficult time not taking it personally. I am not talking about flowers either. In our 18 years together he has only bought me flowers once or twice. I rarely, if ever, get any kind of gifts or even thoughtful gestures.

I am trying to sort this out. I don't feel like I take anything personal that is an isolated incident. I don't feel like I take anything that is said in the heat of the moment too personally either. Maybe I am kidding myself though. It is about the larger context and how he has repeatedly chosen other people and other things over me.

For me, it is about a pervasive pattern of him not thinking about me or having any kind of regard for me. Him having ED because he doesn't find me attractive is not something that either of us can control. It hurts but I try not to take it personally. What makes it difficult for me to not take personally is the fact that his actions and his words have not aligned. He has tried to convince me that my perceptions were wrong. I could see things for myself yet he tried to convince that I was perceiving things incorrectly. There is no good way to deal with the fact that my husband is not attracted to me like a husband should be. I want to be with somebody that wants me and finds me attractive. That is about me, not him.

^^chronic dysfunctional behavior that you hung around for... .why?

figuring out that question is how you detach from taking things personally 

[Skip]

I am trying to figure out what actions on his part are personal but I am wondering about what is personal to him versus what is personal to me. To me, when he continually does something that hurts me even though I have told him that it hurts me, I have a difficult time not taking it personally.

These are really to different things.

If he drinks, that is not personal to you.  He has an addiction.

At the same time, if having a person with an addiction in your life is unacceptable, those are your values to hold.

But this doesn't mean his drinking is targeted at you.

See.

Now in the list you posted, most of that is not targeted at you.  But some is.

At the same time, if having a person in your life that is not nurturing is dragging you down, those are your values to hold.  This is what antelope is saying.

[vortex of confusion]

I am trying to figure out what actions on his part are personal but I am wondering about what is personal to him versus what is personal to me. To me, when he continually does something that hurts me even though I have told him that it hurts me, I have a difficult time not taking it personally.

These are really to different things.

If he drinks, that is not personal to you.  He has an addiction.

At the same time, if having a person with an addiction in your life is unacceptable, those are your values to hold.

But this doesn't mean his drinking is targeted at you.

See.

Now in the list you posted, most of that is not targeted at you.  But some is.

At the same time, if having a person in your life that is not nurturing is dragging you down, those are your values to hold.  This is what antelope is saying.

Thanks! I get it. I have no reason to feel rejected or take anything personally because I made the choice to stay with somebody that did not nurture me. Even the things that were directed at me, weren't really directed at me because they were a result of his addiction and his condition. I did not uphold my own values so it is all on me.

[Skip]

I'm not sure the explanation implies that "its all on you".

Maybe you are getting caught in the blame game a little here. 

Even if something is not personal done to you (like excessive drinking) it still can be unacceptable to you.

[vortex of confusion]

^^chronic dysfunctional behavior that you hung around for... .why?

Complete stupidity!

[vortex of confusion]

I'm not sure the explanation implies that "its all on you".

Maybe you are getting caught in the blame game a little here. 

Even if something is not personal done to you (like excessive drinking) it still can be unacceptable to you.

I don't think I understand what you are saying.

I feel like the explanation implies that it is all on me. I stayed in a dysfunctional relationship for too long. The stuff that my husband did to me personally could easily be dismissed as part of his sex addiction.

You gave the example of drinking: "If he drinks, that is not personal to you.  He has an addiction."

The same logic could be applied to a sex addiction: "If he wants to have sex with everybody but you, that is not personal to you. He has an addiction."

[Conundrum]

Sounds a little like the Madonna/___ complex or some variation on it. Some people can't get their freak on in an intimate and/or serious committed relationship. I don't think it has much to do with you personally, but your status as a wife--it's a symbol--of what he can't be. Conjoining intimacy and sexuality in a committed bond. Often, the only time they can ever break through that bottleneck is when they're supa-wasted. That allows them to forget what you symbolize. Some can't even do it then. That type of entrenched mentality/behavior/dysfunction is really difficult to alter. Sometimes I think it's either hopeless or you have to shake things up in the kraziest of ways. In ways that he would never expect.         

[vortex of confusion]

Sounds a little like the Madonna/___ complex or some variation on it. Some people can't get their freak on in an intimate and/or serious committed relationship. I don't think it has much to do with you personally, but your status as a wife--it's a symbol--of what he can't be. Conjoining intimacy and sexuality in a committed bond. Often, the only time they can ever break through that bottleneck is when they're supa-wasted. That allows them to forget what you symbolize. Some can't even do it then. That type of entrenched mentality/behavior/dysfunction is really difficult to alter. Sometimes I think it's either hopeless or you have to shake things up in the kraziest of ways. In ways that he would never expect.         

Thanks for this perspective. I don't think I have ever heard of the Madonna/___ complex. I will have to see if I can find some more information about that. Before we got married, there was never a problem. After we got married, it was like somebody flipped a switch.

I am pretty sure that alcohol was involved when a couple of our kids were conceived. :-)

I think our situation is hopeless because I have tried to shake things up in the craziest of ways. The things that are needed to get him excited about me are things that I cannot live with doing. Believe me, I tried. I cannot be his personal ___ that goes out with other guys and then comes home and gives him the details. I tried it and that does not work for me at all. I am all for kinky and trying new things but there is a fundamental difference in the things that trip his trigger versus the things that trip mine. I can live with doing just about anything with ONE man. He is more interested in things that involve multiple people such as cuckolding or being a third wheel. He doesn't care about the connection whereas I crave connection and intimacy.