Intolerance For Unpredictability

[Troubled Tourettes]

I'm almost certain, that I have undiagnosed Tourette Syndrome, and my mom BPD. After years of being, physically, verbally lashed out at, and constantly made a scapegoat, I ended up getting clonidine prescribed. It worked for a while, but the tics are back, as bad as ever. My mom frequently shifts from me being the source of all her problems, to being the most important person in her life. I know people with BPD have a hard time dealing with unpredictable things, and it's a tough thing to deal with anyways. My corpilalia often got me in trouble. She was easily offended, by tics, like eye darting sighing. My tics were often a source of our conflicts. I used to wonder what was wrong with me, and why I couldn't stop doing these things, but when I told her I couldn't help she wouldn't believe it. She also has a very selective memory, and shifts quickly, so it' hard to talk to her about it. It's very hard now, because of the tics, and the flashbacks, of the violence that occurred at home. I thought for many years if she felt better about herself, she wouldn't lash out, and take things so personally, but I never could. I feel like it's just left me feeling bitter towards the world. I sometimes wonder if I was never born if she would be better. I mean, she is unhappy a lot, but seems to get by. Also my family seems to deal with her alright. Granted they just humor her a lot of the time, still I feel a lot of guilt.

It's tough though because she says our family would be better off without me, and stuff like that, but then says she doesn't know what she'd do without me. She's always saying if she could get me help everything would be okay, but I know it's not true. She's called me crazy, psychotic, since as long as I can remember. I didn't even know what it meant, but I know it's not true. She says she had a troubled childhood, and that affects her negatively too. Although she often flips what she says, and sometimes will say she had a great childhood. She ounce suspected I had BPD, and I read the symptoms, and they sounded a lot like her. I know she complains about me a lot, but she even says herself, I'm much more attuned, and empathetic towards her than  my other siblings. It would make sense if I saw her in it. If I were to say, she's very severe, and very high functioning, if that makes sense. Although I'm starting to have a new problem. I don't feel very empathetic at all. I don't know what's happening. I've tried to ignore this, but I don't think I can stand to anymore. Not sure if anyone else has any suggestions.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello Troubled Tourettes,



It sounds like your mom has been putting a lot of pressure on you throughout your life... .That must have been really stressful.

Nobody should ever be told that life would have been better without them... .I am so sorry you had to endure that... .

Welcome among us, this is a safe place to share and learn from each other to cope with your BPD relatives.

Are you now in close contact with your mother? It sounds like your body is begging for a break.Is there a way for you to "take a break" from your mom a bit?

Also, do you have access to a therapist, maybe they could figure out what seems to be the trouble?

[clljhns]

Hi Troubled Tourettes,

Cross-post with pessim-optimist,

Also, do you have access to a therapist, maybe they could figure out what seems to be the trouble?

I have a lot of the same suggestions to offer. I think it is imperative that you protect yourself from the damaging comments from mom. I am so sorry that you have endured so much pain and unhappiness. It is not true that your family would be better off without you! Do you have a support group through friends, or other family members? Stay strong and keep posting!

Peace and blessings.

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Troubled Tourettes,

I wanted to add in my welcome with the others. And also agree that it is awful to be told you shouldn't be told the family would be better off without you - that's an awful thing to say and no wonder it causes you stress. You have your own very special value as a human being and that can make you feel like the very foundation of yourself is shaky.

You may or may not be aware that pwBPD can often engage in projecting behaviour - saying things to you that they actually feel about themselves but cannot tolerate.

If you can start to see the things like that as an indication of HER state of mind and wholly disconnected with YOU it will help you a great deal. My mother would say cruel cutting things to me and then if I objected would tell me I was too defensive/oversensitive. This would leave me wondering what was wrong with me!

As I understand it Tourette's becomes inflamed with stress and you are under a good deal of stress from your situation.

Please believe me you are NOT to blame. It is very natural for distress to come out physically and being's how tics are very visible they could be used as evidence that something is wrong with you - it's not. It's your body's way of trying to deal with the pain you are in.

And while I am sympathetic that she may have had a bad childhood it does in NO way minimise hurtful behaviour. Her pain is not more important than YOUR pain.

It might be worth your while to read about BPD behaviours - there is an article here that explains the way in which BPD can surface in mothers:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61982.0

I am glad that you are trying to find new ways in which to relate to your mother. You could probably get some ideas/information by reading the posts on the Family board. The link is:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0

Hope to hear more of your story

Ziggiddy