Dear T.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Dear T. --

It's been a bit more than two months.  I left you in a psychotic rage, decorated with alcohol, in S.  I ran.  Literally.  I ran so hard my legs were sore two days later.  My shins hurt.  I got a flight home from a different airport because I was afraid you would find me.  (I called you from the airport.  By that time you were calm.  The rage was over.  But I knew it would come back.)

It was actually easier at first.  I was relieved.  I got a dog.  The standard advice is to go no contact.  I think that's solid advice.  It's the right advice.  (Or maybe its just not wrong... .the least worst option.)  But its not easy.  There is no closure.  I can't tell you the things you would tell the other person in a healthy breakup.  (Well, healthy as break-ups go.)  Here's what I would tell you if I could.  I love you.  I miss you terribly.  That doesn't mean we should be together.  It makes no sense to be with someone that hates you.  And make no mistake.  At times you hated me at the bottom of your soul.  I don't know why.  And, I don't accept that I deserved your hatred.  And, in your lucid moments, I know that you don't either.

I wish that I could help you stop hurting.  But I've learned that I don't have that power.  I tried to get you to go to therapy.  Therapy was useless.  Not because it can't work.  Not because it won't work.  It was useless because you were doing it "for me."  Therapy will never work until you do it for you. 

I see old photos on Facebook.  The worst memories have faded.  I'm stuck with the ones that were good; the ones that make sure I miss you.  The ones that make me crave real closure.  I desperately want to call.  I want to know you're ok.  I cannot.  And I will not.  I'm committed to that.  Not because it's so good.  And not because its right, but because its all there is.

But if I could I would say, "I love you; I miss you; I wish you well."  And then I would walk a way.  But that's not option.  So, I just walk. Away.

[Caval]

Dear T. --

It's been a bit more than two months.  I left you in a psychotic rage, decorated with alcohol, in S.  I ran.  Literally.  I ran so hard my legs were sore two days later.  My shins hurt.  I got a flight home from a different airport because I was afraid you would find me.  (I called you from the airport.  By that time you were calm.  The rage was over.  But I knew it would come back.)

It was actually easier at first.  I was relieved.  I got a dog.  The standard advice is to go no contact.  I think that's solid advice.  It's the right advice.  (Or maybe its just not wrong... .the least worst option.)  But its not easy.  There is no closure.  I can't tell you the things you would tell the other person in a healthy breakup.  (Well, healthy as break-ups go.)  Here's what I would tell you if I could.  I love you.  I miss you terribly.  That doesn't mean we should be together.  It makes no sense to be with someone that hates you.  And make no mistake.  At times you hated me at the bottom of your soul.  I don't know why.  And, I don't accept that I deserved your hatred.  And, in your lucid moments, I know that you don't either.

I wish that I could help you stop hurting.  But I've learned that I don't have that power.  I tried to get you to go to therapy.  Therapy was useless.  Not because it can't work.  Not because it won't work.  It was useless because you were doing it "for me."  Therapy will never work until you do it for you. 

I see old photos on Facebook.  The worst memories have faded.  I'm stuck with the ones that were good; the ones that make sure I miss you.  The ones that make me crave real closure.  I desperately want to call.  I want to know you're ok.  I cannot.  And I will not.  I'm committed to that.  Not because it's so good.  And not because its right, but because its all there is.

But if I could I would say, "I love you; I miss you; I wish you well."  And then I would walk a way.  But that's not option.  So, I just walk. Away.

[Mutt]

Nicely written and balanced. Spoken from the   Healthy adults in relationships will give each other closure. It's sad and hard when we're left with no closure. You can find closure, by giving it to yourself. It takes time  

[Caval]

Thank you, Mutt.

[Mutt]

You're welcome. I went through your posts   You have good judgement. These break-ups are tough. I'm sorry.