Lost touch with myself

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

xBPD husband has been gone for two weeks.  Moved at my request into a room sharing with a couple of others.  I just couldn't take all of the acting out anymore including infidelity, porn, websites, etc.  We were in counseling for the last year because of infidelity and a## clown behavior, including copious amt of pot smoking, This is a 50 year old man doing this crap and it just made my head spin. I kept at it because we have been together for 25 years and wanted it to be different.  I thought he could get help, was addicted to porn/sex and pot ,and I could somehow power my way through it and help him fix it. The last great fixer of all things, ha. Then I found out that he has BPD.  Counselor told him, you don't have a pot problem, you have a personality disorder and behavioral issue.  He was proud of it, telling me see! I told you that I didn't have an addiction! WOW, really?   Anyway it degenerated to the point I felt I would be insane if it didn't get away from him.

Now after two weeks and him avoiding me and only coming to the house to leave bills on the counter for me to pay.  I am an emotional wreck and feel like an empty shell of person.  I am having such a hard time and he is running around just fine.  I realized today that for the past two weeks I have done nothing but think about him and be miserable.  I was standing in the bathroom and noticed that the floor was filthy, not just dirty but filthy because I had not swept or vacuumed for two weeks.  And then I started to look around my house and yep the whole place was a sty.  Its like I woke up from a dream or something. I am just so upset with myself. I think I am depressed or PTSD? 

[Painterly2014]

xBPD husband has been gone for two weeks.  Moved at my request into a room sharing with a couple of others.  I just couldn't take all of the acting out anymore including infidelity, porn, websites, etc.  We were in counseling for the last year because of infidelity and a## clown behavior, including copious amt of pot smoking, This is a 50 year old man doing this crap and it just made my head spin. I kept at it because we have been together for 25 years and wanted it to be different.  I thought he could get help, was addicted to porn/sex and pot ,and I could somehow power my way through it and help him fix it. The last great fixer of all things, ha. Then I found out that he has BPD.  Counselor told him, you don't have a pot problem, you have a personality disorder and behavioral issue.  He was proud of it, telling me see! I told you that I didn't have an addiction! WOW, really?   Anyway it degenerated to the point I felt I would be insane if it didn't get away from him.

Now after two weeks and him avoiding me and only coming to the house to leave bills on the counter for me to pay.  I am an emotional wreck and feel like an empty shell of person.  I am having such a hard time and he is running around just fine.  I realized today that for the past two weeks I have done nothing but think about him and be miserable.  I was standing in the bathroom and noticed that the floor was filthy, not just dirty but filthy because I had not swept or vacuumed for two weeks.  And then I started to look around my house and yep the whole place was a sty.  Its like I woke up from a dream or something. I am just so upset with myself. I think I am depressed or PTSD? 

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

The same thing happened to me... everytime me and BPD ex would break up or be struggling my house is a bloody mess. when iv been away from him for awhile it stays clean. they do a number on us. i def feel like i have ptsd from being in too many abusive relationships.

[Deeno02]

xBPD husband has been gone for two weeks.  Moved at my request into a room sharing with a couple of others.  I just couldn't take all of the acting out anymore including infidelity, porn, websites, etc.  We were in counseling for the last year because of infidelity and a## clown behavior, including copious amt of pot smoking, This is a 50 year old man doing this crap and it just made my head spin. I kept at it because we have been together for 25 years and wanted it to be different.  I thought he could get help, was addicted to porn/sex and pot ,and I could somehow power my way through it and help him fix it. The last great fixer of all things, ha. Then I found out that he has BPD.  Counselor told him, you don't have a pot problem, you have a personality disorder and behavioral issue.  He was proud of it, telling me see! I told you that I didn't have an addiction! WOW, really?   Anyway it degenerated to the point I felt I would be insane if it didn't get away from him.

Now after two weeks and him avoiding me and only coming to the house to leave bills on the counter for me to pay.  I am an emotional wreck and feel like an empty shell of person.  I am having such a hard time and he is running around just fine.  I realized today that for the past two weeks I have done nothing but think about him and be miserable.  I was standing in the bathroom and noticed that the floor was filthy, not just dirty but filthy because I had not swept or vacuumed for two weeks.  And then I started to look around my house and yep the whole place was a sty.  Its like I woke up from a dream or something. I am just so upset with myself. I think I am depressed or PTSD? 

Welcome, youve come to the right spot. Post, vent, read, its all here to help. To answer your question,  yes. We have all suffered in some ways.  Some worse, some less, but the take away is yes, we all suffered in some sort and now its time to rebuild our lives after this trauma...

[vortex of confusion]

 

Hi Painterly! You have definitely come to the right place. You will find people in all phases of detachment and they are a great help. I have only been with my husband for 18 years (married 16.5). We are still living together but I still found such great freedom and hope in letting go of the idea that I could fix/rescue/protect or somehow make things better. My husband is a sex addict and has been in a 12 step program for the last year or so and has not made much progress in my opinion. He still seems relatively clueless and disconnected. He is no longer acting out sexually. Instead, he hides in computer games.

I also want to send you a great big hug.   I know how hard it is to be in a relationship with somebody for such a long time and wake up one day and wonder if you have been in some kind of dream turned nightmare turned freakshow.

[myself]

I am having such a hard time and he is running around just fine.

Its like I woke up from a dream or something.

Is he really 'fine'? Reread your description of him. There's no way he's changed that much. It's hard to break our harmful patterns, but you're doing it. It's easier for him not to. Congratulations on waking up! It's going to be a gradual process. Be good to yourself. Today and all the rest are yours!

[Tibbles]

Hi

The start is so hard. I was with mine for 30yrs. It's hard when you have been with them for so long. You will think of him constantly and you will feel like it is sending you crazy. It will get better. You may have PTSD or depression, these crazy relationships do that to us. This is a great place to come to, to see you are not alone in your struggles. Keep posting and reading as you struggle out of the FOG. You will come out the other side braver, better and in such a better place. Life does get better.

[going places]

xBPD husband has been gone for two weeks.  Moved at my request into a room sharing with a couple of others.  I just couldn't take all of the acting out anymore including infidelity, porn, websites, etc.  We were in counseling for the last year because of infidelity and a## clown behavior, including copious amt of pot smoking, This is a 50 year old man doing this crap and it just made my head spin. I kept at it because we have been together for 25 years and wanted it to be different.  I thought he could get help, was addicted to porn/sex and pot ,and I could somehow power my way through it and help him fix it. The last great fixer of all things, ha. Then I found out that he has BPD.  Counselor told him, you don't have a pot problem, you have a personality disorder and behavioral issue.  He was proud of it, telling me see! I told you that I didn't have an addiction! WOW, really?   Anyway it degenerated to the point I felt I would be insane if it didn't get away from him.

Now after two weeks and him avoiding me and only coming to the house to leave bills on the counter for me to pay.  I am an emotional wreck and feel like an empty shell of person.  I am having such a hard time and he is running around just fine.  I realized today that for the past two weeks I have done nothing but think about him and be miserable.  I was standing in the bathroom and noticed that the floor was filthy, not just dirty but filthy because I had not swept or vacuumed for two weeks.  And then I started to look around my house and yep the whole place was a sty.  Its like I woke up from a dream or something. I am just so upset with myself. I think I am depressed or PTSD? 

I was w my exh for 25 years also.

When my 'healing' began to heal by leaps and bounds?

When I threw him, and all of his stuff, out AND I blocked him on all forms of communication (except email, because until the house sells, I do have to talk to him about thing that pertain to the house).

ONCE he was out of my face / our of my ear / out of my space... .the healing really began.

I have goals.

Sell this house. Pack up, move from IN to FLA. Find a new house and start creating a new home for my kids.

Find a new job, start my own business, connect with my new community... .

I focus 100% on these goals.

In my 'not medical' opinion what you have described is a lot like the deep debilitating depression I went thru... .and still have days where I just don't want to do anything (I no longer have negative thought patterns, but simply don't want to do anything)... .

Check your community for a local women's abuse center / shelter.

They have counselors that that specialize in what you have been thru... .and know how to help guide you back to 'normal'.