Why do I look past bad behavior, which causes more diffulity in detachment?

[Raybo48]

I wonder why I have the ability to look past extremely bad behavior from my BPDxgf that causes more difficulty in detaching.  I'm sure my co-dependency plays a role, but it can't be that simple.  What am I grasping at that has me missing an individual on a regular basis that caused so much emotional turmoil in my life for a relatively short (three years) period of time?   They say we are addicted to them, dopamine levels in the brain have been released, etc.  Do I miss the high, or is it more than that?  I sit around thinking as much about this as I do her on most days and I'm not sure either one is going to improve my self-worth or help me grow.   Any suggestions? 

[vortex of confusion]

I think it is easy to look past the bad behavior when trying to remain balanced. If all I did was think about the bad behavior, then I would feel even worse and it would make the question of "Why did I put up with that?" seem even more daunting. I know why I put up with so much. I put up with so much because we used to have good times. He used to make me feel really good. He used to make me laugh. When I was pregnant and having babies, he was really good at making it possible for me to be a stay at home mom. We used to have silly little inside jokes. We used to pull silly pranks on each other. If I forget all of those things, then I am more apt to slip into a pit of despair and a bit of woe is me because then there would be no reason and no justification for ever staying with him as long as I have (16.5 years of marriage).

For me, remembering the good times is helping me to keep things in perspective. I don't want to have to hate him in order to detach. That isn't true detachment in my opinion. I want to hold those memories near and dear to me while realizing that they are just memories. The man he is now is not the man that I thought I married. Because we have kids together, I will always be connected to him and will have to find ways to be nice and cordial whether we are living together or separately. I don't want my crap to get in the way of my kids being able to do stuff with their parents.

[Waifed]

I wonder why I have the ability to look past extremely bad behavior from my BPDxgf that causes more difficulty in detaching.  I'm sure my co-dependency plays a role, but it can't be that simple.  What am I grasping at that has me missing an individual on a regular basis that caused so much emotional turmoil in my life for a relatively short (three years) period of time?   They say we are addicted to them, dopamine levels in the brain have been released, etc.  :)o I miss the high, or is it more than that?  I sit around thinking as much about this as I do her on most days and I'm not sure either one is going to improve my self-worth or help me grow.   Any suggestions?  

Betrayal, trauma bond, PTSD, etc.  Your ex filled an emptiness inside of you that has always been there, probably through mirroring you.  The hole is there again and you are probably worried that it cannot be filled by anyone else.  We feel almost obligated to them.  It's a strange loyalty.  Your self esteem is shot right now from the mental and emotional abuse so you feel like no one else will ever want you.  It is all mental, but the mind is a powerful thing.  It will take time for it to process everything.  That is how it repairs itself.  Be patient and easy on yourself.  Let the feelings play themselves out.  :)on't fight it, but also try not to dwell on things too much.  Redirect your thoughts after time.  That was probably the hardest thing for me to do at first.  I just wanted it all to go away and on top of that I was convinced that I was permanently damage and no one would ever want me again.  It takes time, but It all gets better!

[Raybo48]

I wonder why I have the ability to look past extremely bad behavior from my BPDxgf that causes more difficulty in detaching.  I'm sure my co-dependency plays a role, but it can't be that simple.  What am I grasping at that has me missing an individual on a regular basis that caused so much emotional turmoil in my life for a relatively short (three years) period of time?   They say we are addicted to them, dopamine levels in the brain have been released, etc.  :)o I miss the high, or is it more than that?  I sit around thinking as much about this as I do her on most days and I'm not sure either one is going to improve my self-worth or help me grow.   Any suggestions?  

Betrayal, trauma bond, PTSD, etc.  Your ex filled an emptiness inside of you that has always been there, probably through mirroring you.  The hole is there again and you are probably worried that it cannot be filled by anyone else.  We feel almost obligated to them.  It's a strange loyalty.  Your self esteem is shot right now from the mental and emotional abuse so you feel like no one else will ever want you.  It is all mental, but the mind is a powerful thing.  It will take time for it to process everything.  That is how it repairs itself.  Be patient and easy on yourself.  Let the feelings play themselves out.  :)on't fight it, but also try not to dwell on things too much.  Redirect your thoughts after time.  That was probably the hardest thing for me to do at first.  I just wanted it all to go away and on top of that I was convinced that I was permanently damage and no one would ever want me again.  It takes time, but It all gets better!

Thanks Waifed, the way you spelled it out helps a lot.  Good material for me to re-read as needed to keep me balanced while I go through this.

[hergestridge]

I can tell that after our break up (20 years rs), I was quite occupied with the injustice/pain of past years even though I didn't have the slighest urge to recycle.

It's a bit like that. Strong feelings are addictive, and also I thought it was justified.

The real eye opener for me that once I allowed to channel my emotions elsewhere I lost interest in my past relationship and exwife almost immediately.

For me this came in the form of a woman I met who kind of seemed interested in me. I fell madly (and probably stupidly) in love, and from that very moment it was like turning off a switch. The pain was just a distant memory.

It's like the love I had for my wife had turned into pain and frustration, and I cherished that pain and frustration like because that was all that was left. The truth is I had forgotten all about love.

If someone would have suggested this scenario to me three months ago I would have just laughed it off.

(and of course it didn't work out with this woman, but it changed so much for me... .)