Need advice. Contact with BPD's exbf.

[Hadlee]

My BPDx BFF split with her bf over 2 months ago.  He and I used to chat and be mates until chaos entered the friendship (I now know who caused it!).  Her ex and I hadn't been in contact for over a year.

Anyway, I sent him a Merry Christmas message a couple of days ago to wish him and his kids (not hers) a lovely day.  He replied and wished me well.  Every other year I have bought his kids gifts - this was the first year I didn't.

So I have received a message from him today asking how I've been and what's happening with me.  I really feel for the guy cause I believe he was totally screwed over by his BPDx.  He is a good guy, not the monster the BPD has made him out to be.  At the same time, I'm a little nervous about maintaining ongoing contact with him.  Obviously I wouldn't engage in any talk about the BPD, but I'm a little paranoid that she may hack his Facebook account and see messages between him and I.  He and I aren't friends on Facebook anymore as he deleted me a while back due to a blowup the BPD caused, but he can obviously still message me.  I'm pretty certain that the message is from him - not her.  Well, I hope so anyway

I've come a long way in healing from my friendship with the BPDx BFF, but I still have some paranoia where she is concerned.  

Any advice on what is best in this situation would be appreciated.

And Merry Christmas to all  





 

[Mutt]

Your friendship may of been estranged. I think he's being sincere. If you value the friendship, it sounds like you do ( presents to kids ), I'm not sure that I would worry about his ex. One way to look at it, let bygones be bygones?

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Hadlee,

What makes you nervous or paranoid about maintaining contact with him?

You have the right to talk to anyone that you want.  I believe the same concept goes for him too.

You both were friends prior to the breakup between him and BPDx BFF.  I do not see a problem with chatting with him.  

[Aussie JJ]

Hmmmm,

What is healthy for you.  It seems their is substance (or was) with your relationship to him and it wasnt based on yoru friends relationship with him. 

A big thing for me has been deciding who I do and dont want in my life.  If he is a good person and you havent been hurt by him so to speak.  Why not?  Whats wrong with you having him as a friend. 

An intro might be, Not bad myself, wondering how you and your kids are doing.  Thinking of you and know you have been through a lot. 

Ignore the exBPD in his life, if he brings it up then address it.  Until then it is irrelevant to your relationship withj him. 


AJJ. 

[Hadlee]

Thank you both

We continued chatting today and it was good.  He did mention the BPD a few times, but I didn't comment or mention her name at all.  I'm actually proud of myself  The way he was talking, I gather he still thinks the BPD and I are are still close.

EaglesJuju - I was paranoid for a moment due to all the stories she has told about her ex.  She is using those stories as a way to play the victim and to get as much attention as she can.  It made me feel unsure as to how she would react to her ex reconnecting with me after all the rubbish she has told.  She initially said he cheated on her, which is the reason she broke up with him, but she recently said he didn't.  Knowing that... .I don't want to get caught up in any crap i.e. that he is now after me or anything like that.

You both are right though - I do have the right to talk to anyone I want.  And I do adore his kids

[Hadlee]

Hmmmm,

What is healthy for you.  It seems their is substance (or was) with your relationship to him and it wasnt based on yoru friends relationship with him. 

A big thing for me has been deciding who I do and dont want in my life.  If he is a good person and you havent been hurt by him so to speak.  Why not?  Whats wrong with you having him as a friend. 

An intro might be, Not bad myself, wondering how you and your kids are doing.  Thinking of you and know you have been through a lot. 

Ignore the exBPD in his life, if he brings it up then address it.  Until then it is irrelevant to your relationship withj him. 


AJJ. 

Thanks AJJ.  That's pretty much how our conversation went today.  He mentioned her name, but not in regard to their break up.  I just spoke about other things, including his kids, and ignored any reference to her

[EaglesJuju]

We continued chatting today and it was good.  He did mention the BPD a few times, but I didn't comment or mention her name at all.  I'm actually proud of myself  The way he was talking, I gather he still thinks we are close.

EaglesJuju - I was paranoid for a moment due to all the stories she has told about her ex.  She is using those stories as a way to play the victim and to get as much attention as she can.  It made me feel unsure as to how she would react to her ex reconnecting with me after all the rubbish she has told.

You both are right though - I do have the right to talk to anyone I want.  And I do adore his kids

I understand how you could feel nervous or paranoid by her reaction. I agree with Mutt and AJJ, it should be about what is healthy for you and not to worry about your ex BFF.  It feels great to do what you want.     I am glad that you had a conversation with him and it went well.  You were friends with him before, whatever she thinks should be irrelevant. 

[Hadlee]

Thanks EaglesJuju.  That's made me feel better   Merry Christmas to you  

[EaglesJuju]

 Merry Christmas to you.